August 24, 2009
I dream I am becoming aroused at an affair at a synagogue. I excuse myself to go to the bathroom and when I look at my genitals I see that they are not mine. When I return to the party everyone is gone and there is no clue to where everyone went. I drive to Roosevelt Mall to look for the party, but I have no luck.

September 27, 1996
I dream I am living in New York with Gail and we go downstairs for a shaved ice. Gail is in line ahead of me but she doesn’t get me shaved ice-she gets a bagel and lox for herself. I am furious and I seek shaved ice around the corner. I wind up at a news stand which has an enclosed area filled with machines lit like video games with bright screens with total darkness below. It occurs to me that these machines are big vibrators that show porno movies; you put in a quarter and watch pornography while pressing your genitals against the vibrating console. I figure “I’ll fix Gail,” and I put a quarter in the machine and ejaculate in seconds. Then I feel remorseful.

October 18, 1995
I dream Lorri wants to practice her pick pocketing act and I agree to be her guinea pig. We stand on a makeshift stage and she attempts to divert my attention while she plunges her hands into my pockets. My friends find this amusing because they think she wants to get to my genitals. One friend, a big fat guy, takes off all of his clothes except for his underpants, sticks his wallet into his crotch, and demands “Pick my pocket, Lorri! Pick my pocket!”

“Fred’s Dreams” is published every Wednesday.

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