Last night, my husband and I had the following dinner-time conversation:

Husband: A few people in my office have swine flu.

Me: (choking) What? How do you know they have swine flu? Were they tested for it?

Husband: Their doctors told them they had swine flu. Doctors aren’t testing patients for it anymore.

Me: Then how are they sure it’s swine flu?

Husband: They are coughing and have a fever.

Me: Maybe you should stay home from work for a few months.

Husband: No, I have to go to work. That’s how we pay for all those things you buy.

Me: Oh. Well, maybe you could wear a hazmat suit or something?

Husband: Where am I going to get a hazmat suit?

Me: Amazon.com?

Husband: Let’s be reasonable.

Me: We’re going to die.

This kind of conversation is not good for a person who suffers from hypochondriasis from time to time (or once a week). I’m still recovering from the threat of avian flu. Wasn’t that going to kill me, along with everyone else in the world, a few years ago? Evidently, birds are so last season, because a few months ago, the media instructed me to start worrying about a swine flu pandemic. Fortunately, I thought swine flu disappeared over the summer. Apparently not.

I’ve been trying to make sense of the dizzying amount of information about swine flu, which I am fairly certain I will be getting. The World Health Organization is predicting an “explosion” of swine flu cases this fall. What am I supposed to do about this? I can’t stop an explosion!

Even though the government is issuing dire warnings about swine flu, the Centers for Disease Control assures us that more people die from seasonal flu than from swine flu every year. Not surprisingly, this data does not make me feel secure. It’s probably because I’m rarely convinced that our fearless government leaders give us all of the facts. (Shocking, I know.) More often than not, the bureaucrats seem to be sounding the alarm while simultaneously trying to reassure us that everything is fine.

Here’s a suggestion for staying healthy, courtesy of the CDC: “Find healthy ways to deal with stress and anxiety.” This handy-dandy tip is preceded by the recommendation: “Follow public health advice regarding school closures, avoiding crowds and other social distancing measures.” Don’t these “tips” seem like contradictory advice? How can I lessen my stress and anxiety when I have to keep my kids far away from school, quarantine myself at home, and maintain an invisible circle of “social distance” around me? I wonder if I can maintain adequate social distance while going to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription of Xanax.

Fortunately, the CDC has saved the day by turning to the most fearless leader of them all. Elmo is being featured in a series of public service announcements that teach children how to wash their hands and sneeze into the bends of their arms. I know Elmo is the authority on all things related to swine flu, but what does Elmo have to say about those toys at my pediatrician’s office, the ones that all the children are licking?

Despite Elmo’s assurances, I still am more than a little anxious about swine flu. I don’t think I am alone. At this point, we can’t even watch Sesame Street without being reminded of the Apocalypse. Our collective mental health is taking a nose dive amidst talk of flu-like symptoms, face masks, Tamiflu, and vaccine clinical trials. How about that for a pandemic?

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