Dear Ruby,
I recently found out through my local newspaper that the nephew of a friend of mine was arrested for something very, very serious. This is not a friend I see very often, but someone I still feel close to.

The nephew does not share the same name with my friend, and I only know about him as a relative because I knew her estranged half-sibling (the nephew’s parent) during the short time (one summer) that they had a relationship with her family. I doubt almost any of her other friends from that time made the connection.

As I said, this was a very, very serious incident; the kind of thing a family will likely never live down. I’m wondering if I should let her know that I know. I’m guessing she might be hoping that no one will make the connection and if I tell her I know I’m afraid it might depress her and make her think everyone knows. I would not want to do anything that would cause her one more moment of grief right now. What do you suggest?

Afraid to Reach Out

Dear Afraid,

It’s a painful, difficult, maybe agonizing situation, but it’s a very simple answer — call. Let her know you are thinking about her.

Your friend may want to pretend that no one knows about what happened, but playing along with this sort of charade is dishonest and will eventually kill your friendship. It will become the big ugly mask you have to wear when you’re with her, and only the most pathological actress and lame friend would want to take on that kind of role. Also, you may be making an assumption — she may not actually feel a great sense of responsibility or shame as a result of the actions of this shirttail relative.

Call her. Tell her you’re sorry for the sad time she and her family are going through. Then listen if she needs you to.

Call her again a week later, and the week after that, and then ask her to have a lunch or dinner whenever she’s free. And if you find that she is very upset and that you are the only friend she’s let in, encourage her to gradually open up to others. A heavy burden for her will also be heavy on you if you are the only one to share the load with her. 

She may react badly for now — or even for a long time. She may want to carry on as though the whole thing has nothing to do with her, or she may want to go into hiding. You can’t determine how this will play out for her or how she will handle it. The only thing you can do is the right thing, and even though it’s hard to imagine, it is the thing you would want her to do if the roles were reversed. Call.

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