August 7, 2009
I dream that I see in the mirror a lump the size of a cheeseburger on my left jowl. I tell Gail I must go to the hospital immediately because there is something wrong with my face. Gail says, “There is nothing wrong with your face.” I say, “Look at my ear.” My ear is diminished in size and hanging lower than usual.

December 20, 2008
I dream I am in a hospital in a shopping mall. I am not sure why I’m there, so I take a walk in the mall and discover that the magic shop is closing. I commiserate with the owner and I hustle a magic wallet off of him. When I return to the hospital, they serve me a bowl of lettuce with diced potatoes dipped in powdered sugar. I really don’t know what I’m there for, but they are certain that I am very sick and they prepare me for chemotherapy. My mother is in the same hospital.

July 12, 2000
I dream I am in a combination hospital/mall/Chinese buffet where a waiter/cook binds me with a combination of handcuffs and noodles. I become such a sensation with my spiritualist noodle escape that I get my own show with my own band of Native American singers and comedians. It’s so avant garde that no one understands the jokes. I assume Americans are just not clever.

“Fred’s Dreams” is published every Wednesday.

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