Dear Ruby,
A question in the form of a haiku:

Nice to work lady
Now she talks to me all day
Want her to stop please

Regards, Johan

Dear Johan,
An answer in the form of a haiku:

Of this I am sure,
If you tried hard to repel,
You are capable.

The fact that you know and use haiku inappropriately tells me that you have a deep well from which to draw annoying and useless conversation fodder, enough of which will stop even “work lady” from listening or talking to you. Use with caution, however. Taken too far, any one of these can end up as material evidence for a restraining order. But, of course, you probably already know that.

1. Start by reading her one Ripley’s Believe it or Not entry a day. 
2. Build to a crescendo with an inch-by-inch description of your “best friend’s” gastric bypass operation and subsequent digestive symptoms.
3. The kicker? An analysis of all the factual and philosophical discrepancies between the new Star Trek movie and the original series. Man! What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall when you get to the thread about why there are no visible signs of damage on the Enterprise after the missile hits it, and then “Aqua” totally nails it by posting, simply, “nanotech self repairing hull.” Wow! Genius! And pure poetry, even if there are a few too many syllables for haiku. And what about the original captain in the original pilot being “Christopher Pike” and the new actor playing Kirk being named “Christopher Pine?” What kind of freaky message is Gene Roddenberry trying to send us from the grave? And, yo, How can Spock be doing it? Parallel uni-wha? What does it all mean?

The answer is within you, Johan. Remember these immortal lines. . .

To out-dork a dork
It is the easiest thing
End with a haiku.

Advice for the Rest/of Us appears here every Friday/and all the lines scan.Send Ruby your question. Extra points for limericks.

 

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