Dear Ruby,
I have married into a cancelling family. The women in my husband’s family cancel things all the time. They don’t even bother to make excuses sometimes. His sister will say, “Something came up,” or “We just couldn’t make it.”

I didn’t mind this so much before we all had children, but now my kids are constantly disappointed that they won’t be seeing their cousins after all, or that Grandma changed her mind about going to the mall. How do you deal with mind-changers without starting a family feud?

Sincerely, Just-Do-It Joelle

Dear J-Dot,
Compulsive cancelling is a tough nut to crack, which is why a lot of people get away with this bad habit. But, before you start that feud, let’s think. Could this be a symptom of other problems?

1. Do these women strike you as anxious, depressed, agoraphobic? Being unable to follow through on plans is a big red flag for depression and other mental disturbances.
2. Could it be an organizing or cognitive problem — is Grandma having trouble keeping track of day-to-day activities and covering it up by saying she changed her mind?
3. Or, is it simply that no one’s ever explained that repeated cancelling is rude and hurts people’s feelings?

If you think mental health is a real issue, it’s time to bring the family together and schedule doctors’ visits.

If there’s no forthcoming diagnosis, you and I are going to take the only path left to us — the path of most passive-aggressiveness. First, we continue to go with #1 as our only working hypothesis. You with me? Next, get overly concerned about it. Follow up every cancellation with concerned calls, concerned handwritten notes, concerned texts from cousin-to-cousin, concerned emails, and follow that up with more concern. Never get angry, just make it clear how big a deal it is by how concerned you get. Send them hyperlinks to medical articles online and mail them vitamin supplements.

When you do get on the phone to plan the next get-together, make a big production out of the planning, reminding them of how their unforeseen events altered the last planned get-together. Say things like, “Remember how long little Janey cried and cried when she didn’t get to go the pool, because you had that other thing going on? Let’s not go there again. Let’s make extra sure we find a date everyone can work with.” 

You haven’t been saying that so far because you don’t like to make people feel bad. Now, it’s the point. They need to know people feel bad when they cancel. Never scold, only make it clear that depressed, anxious, phobic or not — their actions affect everybody. Then, when they do show up as expected, drop it completely and be warm and welcoming.

After a number of these negative reinforcement scenarios, I predict your ladies-who-leave-in-the-lurch will decide that cancelling is not worth the hellacious caring with which you’re carpet-bombing them. Either that, or you will drive them completely underground and never see them again. Prepare your kids by letting them know it’s not about them and that commitments are important. And see if you can’t make plans for the cousins to spend time together at your initiative without requiring parental interaction.

A last word, but it’s gotta be said, dear . . . they just may not like you. Maybe they’re even complaining about you in some other advice lady’s column — because of the way you overcook the artichoke dip, wear skimpy terrycloth rompers year-round, and criticize their home perms? Just give it some thought. Can’t hurt.

Go in peace — Ruby.

Advice for the rest of us appears here every Friday unless something better comes along. Got something better? Tell Ruby.

 

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