I’m rooting for the terrorist geese

I’m surprised it’s taken officials in New York City six months to plan the execution of 2,000 Canada geese. I figured the birds would be murdered within days of America’s favorite new superhero, Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, landing crippled US Airways Flight 1549 in the Hudson River.

“The serious dangers that Canada geese pose to aviation became all too clear when geese struck U.S. Airways Flight 1549,” Mayor Bloomberg was quoted as saying in a story by Associated Press writer David B. Caruso ^[1].

Here we go with the fear …

Did Bloomberg really say “when geese struck U.S. Airways Flight 1549”?

Yes, he did. And he’s full of shit. What he’s implying is that the birds were terrorists on a suicide mission. If Canada geese are plotting and carrying out suicide missions designed to bring down commercial airliners, I applaud them. And if the birds who gave their lives to cripple US Airways Flight 1549 were, in fact, terrorists, I only wish they’d been successful. Instead, “Sully” made sure everyone on the plane survived. That is to say, he did his job.

If Canada geese are terrorists, they’re an embarrassment to the title. According to a Federal Aviation Administration report called “Wildlife Strikes to Civil Aircraft in the United States 1990-2007 ^[2],” terrorist animals have only managed to kill 11 people during those years, and only two of those deaths were caused by Canada geese.

That’s pathetic.

According to my friend Mark, whose research findings are unimpeachable, fire ants killed 32 humans in Florida in 1989 alone. And according to the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health ^[3], only about five of the 8,000 or so people bitten each year by venomous terrorist snakes die.

Despite the ineptitude of the terrorist Canada geese (whose attempts to poison our waterways with their nitrogen-rich feces have caused many a land-use agency to label the species a “nuisance”), the war against them is on. Better to fight them on our soil than in the air.

Glenn Phillips, executive director of the New York City Audubon Society, doesn’t think murdering 2,000 Canada geese will make air travel safer. And yet he’s quoted in Caruso’s story as saying, “It’s clear that we can’t really rule out killing Canada geese,” and, “We have an obligation to manage their population. That said, we also have an obligation to manage their population in a way that is humane.”

So, the United States Department of Agriculture is going to gather 2,000 of the terrorist birds and gas them. Shouldn’t the USDA waterboard a few first to find out who among them are evildoers? I guess officials have decided to go ahead and profile the birds based on the color of their feathers.

I’m hoping that terrorist cells of Canada geese have held high-level meetings and decided that it’s them or us, and that every commercial flight in the United States will soon be attacked by birds on suicide missions.

Most people are not evolved enough to realize that 11 human fatalities caused by animals colliding with airplanes over nearly 20 years is just not a big deal.

It’s just dumb luck.

But we have to blame somebody for the downing of US Airways Flight 1549, don’t we? Even though not a single human died.

And so we’re at war with Canada geese.

I’m rooting for the geese.