I hear people say “that was the worst movie ever” all the time, but what really makes something THE WORST? The objectively worst movie ever was probably never released, but the subjective one…

The worst, like the best, is a matter of personal taste. I didn’t hate Ishtar, but I understand why people did. There was a built up expectation that sorely disappointed, kind of like Sarah Palin, or New Coke. It’s when something you’ve been waiting for, something that you’ve heard so much about happens, and you can’t see how it could be bad, (Dustin Hoffman with Warren Beatty? Awesome! — Al Pacino and Robert Deniro together? Unbelievable!), but somehow it is bad, and you realize that there is more disappointment in the world than you had known possible, that evil truly exists, and it’s a slow decaying of all that’s good.

I know a movie is horrid when I walk out on it. I’m a cheap, lazy, bastard, so if I’ve paid to sit in an air-conditioned seat, eating candy while watching something that has been crafted by artists, I’ll do it for the 2 hours that I’ve paid for, even when I know the movie is bad from the first 5 minutes. I can count on my hand the number of movies I’ve walked out of… Harold and Kumar 2, A Nightmare Before Christmas, etc.

But there is an even rarer category, one called “This movie is so bad, I cannot leave!” Jacob’s Ladder  was the first in this category that I have seen, ShowGirls was the best in this category, there’s been Striptease and a few others, but The Fifth Element remains the most disappointing one. Bruce Willis, Chris Tucker, Gary Oldman, and a LOT of other good actors came together to be in a Luc Besson movie that was simply horrific, although somehow the winner of several awards, and even nominations for an Oscar. The promos had made it look like a great SciFi thriller, and it was a silly spoof of one. Part unwitting comedy, and part horror to watch, this to me is THE WORST MOVIE EVER!

 

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