Dear Ruby,

I work for a large company and I’ve gotten friendly with a woman in another department who’s in the lunchroom when I am. I suspect she’s a lesbian and I’m a straight woman, so I want to let her know that a) her orientation is not a problem with me, and b) I’m not interested in romance but I am interested in having her be my friend. She has not said anything specifically so I am wondering how to bring it up. I think it’s a pretty friendly place to work for gay people so I’m not sure if she’s in the closet just to me or everyone. Any tips to break the ice?

Straight but not narrow

 Dear SBNN,

Penetrating the secret Lesbos underground is not for the faint of heart. If you must know the truth, employ the following ultrasecret decoding techniques that I found online at your own risk:

1. Find an excuse to shake hands. If she clasps your hand, puts her index finger on your first knuckle and flips your hand over and back, she is a LESBIAN. Oh, no, wait, she’s a Mormon. Well, she could be a Mormon lesbian. Hold on, I’m still looking.
2. Tell her your daughter is selling Girl Scout cookies and ask her if she wants to buy a box. If she says no, she’s a LESBIAN! Or maybe a Jehovah’s Witness. Wait a minute . . .
3. Okay, we’re not getting anywhere. It’s time to get personal. Ask her for her opinion of George W. Bush. If she says that the best thing about him was that he was “temporary,” then you may have discovered her unrevealed LESBIANISM. Not only that, but she’s also likely a member of his secret society, Yale’s Skull & Bones, in which George’s official nickname was, indeed, “Temporary!”

Alright, enough fooling around, SBNN. My real advice is to not assume anything. Don’t assume she’s gay, don’t assume she’s hiding it, don’t assume the company you work for is actually great about it, and don’t assume — if she is a lesbian — that she would be interested in you romantically.

Stop looking for unusual earring configurations, rainbow bracelets, secret codewords or Ani Difranco references. What you can assume is that as she gets to know you better, she’ll decide whether or not she wants to share more personal details about her life. You can drop hints about political ideas you support or movies you’ve seen or books you’ve read, but don’t lay it on too thick. Be yourself, be the kind of person other people can trust, and be patient.

And whatever you do, don’t ever do this. Ever!!

What secrets are you keeping? Tell Ruby.

Advice for the Rest of us appears every Friday come hell or high water.

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