Dear Ruby,
My girlfriend and I are planning our first road trip together with her 6 year old daughter. I like kids, but the only thing I know about them is based on me at that age. What do I do to keep her little girl occupied in the car all that time? I used to play with Matchbox cars and Legos, but from what I gather she’s not so into that stuff. I want to surprise and impress my girlfriend and keep us all happy without stopping in every town for a new Barbie.

Fun Uncle Paul

P.S. There’s going to be about 8-10 hours of driving each day for at least 2 days and we do have a portable DVD player.

Dear Funcle,
When I used to be dragged on road trips, my mother’s boyfriends told me to look out the window, read my Archie comic books, or do my number tile puzzle. Lame! If you can come up with something better and you don’t have a combover or smell like Irish coffee, you’re OK in my book.

Here are 10 things to think about for this trip:

1. The big N-O. You know you’re not going to sleep alone with your girlfriend the whole time, right? Face the fact that unless you drop the child off somewhere — anywhere — there will be no sex. Your girlfriend’s not any happier about it than you are, but there’s no way a 6 year old is sleeping in her own hotel room alone. Maybe adjoining–maybe. Showing you understand this will surprise and impress your girlfriend.
2. Six year olds barf and have nightmares. Find out now if she’s a barfer or a nightmarer. Bring dramamine and benedryl. Either one will work. In fact, a first aid kit in the car will make your girlfriend crazy hot for you. You still won’t get any, though.
3. Rethink the daytrip to Tijuana.
4. Girls that age love little tiny things to act out little tiny scenarios. Little tiny dolls, little tiny animals, little tiny furniture. Go to a thrift store and buy piles of little tiny toys. Sometimes they put them in baggies and sell them in bulk. Rebag into smaller bags and portion out s-l-o-w-l-y. Do not — I repeat — do not give them to her all at once. You’re welcome.
5. A stack of magazines, a pile of copy paper, a glue stick, and a scissors can work miracles. If you let your girlfriend drive for an hour and then sit in the backseat and make collages with her kid, you’re golden. Tell the short one, “Let’s make a present for your mom.” This is so good, I’m getting all verklempt. Man, you owe me.
6. Two words: blunt scissors. Make sure she comes back with the same number of eyeballs she left with.
7. She’s not going to appreciate any of the cool cuisine you’ll want to sample. If it’s got visible green things, tomatoes, beans, seafood, or it’s spicy, just . . . no. Don’t ask, don’t cajole, just drive through what she wants and save everybody a lot of heartache. Consider it a success if she tries one new thing the whole trip.
8. Your behavior, Funcle? Don’t come on like gangbusters, it’s going to be really hard to keep that up for a long time. If she’s shy, let her warm up to you at her own pace. If she’s snotty, let her mother take care of it, but feel free to tell her that she’s hurt your feelings. Be friendly, clowny, relaxed, flexible.
9. Speaking of flexible, women like to stop and look at things, even little women. It’s the way we evolved. We need to poke around for berries and roots, we can’t just live on stuff you guys kill. You get where I’m going with this metaphor, right? If you gotta be somewhere by a certain time then it’s not a road trip, it’s just a long, irritating drive. Don’t be that guy.
10. Finally, you will learn to love the DVD player like it was the first girl you saw naked. Portion it out as with the toys so it can be used in an emergency. This is not the time to introduce her to your love of the “classics,” although you might be able to turn her on to Charlie Chaplin or the Three Stooges. Remember nightmares — no Lord of the Rings and maybe not even Harry Potter (and keep an eye on what’s showing on the motel cable). Get lots of tried and true Disney on hand, and earphones, baby, earphones. If you can afford any largish purchase that will enhance the aggregate happiness in your car, buy these. And for God’s sake, make sure the cigarette lighter adapter works.

Good luck, Funcle, and remember, you should get points for asking.

Got some asking of your own? Write Ruby.

Advice for the Rest of us turns up every Friday like a bad penny.

 

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