So here’s what’s going on. Last night was Disco Night on American Idol. It was revolting. I don’t want to talk about it at all. I hated everyone’s performance. Kriss was the only person that I didn’t wish cancer upon. So to change it up, I’m going to form a list of quotes and you can take turns guessing who would be more likely to say each one. It’s like a game. Only there’s no winner, no point and no prizes. And I’m pretty sure, you’ll be dumber, having played the game at all. Here goes…

“Alright alright alright, so listen up dog, listen up dog, ok dog, listen up dog… for me, it was alright. I mean the tone of your voice was nice and all, but I, I don’t know man, I didn’t love the arrangement. I just don’t think it was the right song for you man. In 1986 I played bass for Journey.”

“The eloquence and the viscerality and duality of your voice brings me to a place of utopia and I truly thank you for that. My nether regions are aflame. You are a beautiful performer and when you stand in the path of greatness, you are destined to be great and even more so, be visceral. In addition to being intuitive, instinctive and shiny and sparkly, you are a joy and a pleasure to watch and I love you and you make me cry. Also, Kara’s a douche and trying to steal my thunder. See you in the finals!”

“I have no idea what Paula just said. She is a drone and a child and beneath me in every possible way. I thought your performance was dreadful, absolutely dreadful. It was a complete and utter mess. You have no business being on this stage and I’d venture to say this is your last performance. How shall I put this… it was disgusting. You are disgusting. You clothes are disgusting. Only my man boobs, flat top haircut and sexy v-neck shirts are classy and acceptable. I go gay for Piers.”

“So here’s the thing… I’m not Paula. I’m not going to jump out of my seat and dance for you like a crazed prostitute on crystal meth. I keep it real. Your performance was alright but you had some pitch problems. You’re pitchy. Your performance was pitchy in places. I like the word pitch. Everything that Paula said, I basically feel the complete opposite of that. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She’s stoned, you know. I’m just saying. She’s also old. Did you know that I’m a professional songwriter? I have worked with really serious people in this business like Nick Lachey and Ashlee Simpson. That’s serious. That happened.”

Tweet  Print This Post

Tags: television // Add Comment »