March 24, 2009
I dream I am in a community theater production of How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying. We are performing in an enormous high school auditorium and the show is finally over. I have last curtain call because I am playing Finch, but the co-starring role of J. B. Biggley is played by a diminutive version of Danny Kaye. In Diminutive Kaye’s contract he gets to sing extra songs during the curtain call. Right before I am supposed to bow, Diminutive Kaye starts singing a medley of songs. Everybody on stage gradually leaves but Diminutive Kaye just keeps singing. I never get to bow.

March 23, 2009
I dream I am in a cafeteria having dinner with my magic buddies. We are playing with a bizarre contraption. You lower a plastic coffee cup onto a spindle and it sets a chain reaction into motion that pushes a small pair of lips out of a tube. I am summoned to demonstrate the piece of equipment at a fund raiser. When I get there, Ben Stiller heckles me from behind a curtain. Then, a combination of Ben Stiller and Charlie Sheen wants to show me how to use the contraption to pick up women.

August 21, 1998
I dream Gail and I have moved to Cancun, Mexico. We both work in a cross between a daycare center and the power plant where Homer Simpson works. Gail is yelling at me in the parking lot because her friend, Eileen, said we moved to the wrong end of Cancun. After a huge bee bites me in the chest our boss, Mr. Burns, tells us to lock the place up and not let anybody in. Rush Limbaugh breaks in, and I dribble chewed-up hot dog on his face. I realize that if I get a picture of me and Limbaugh in a compromising position, then we can bring the company to its knees. Limbaugh and I exchange clothing, and Gail snaps the picture.

“Fred’s Dreams” is published every Wednesday.

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