Dancing With The Stars is a stupid show. It’s clear that the producers pick one to three contestants each season that are decent dancers, and with training can become relatively good when compared to their professional counterparts. The rest suck. We get it. It’s normal people, stepping completely out of their element and trying to be something nobody ever cared to see them become. Because I’m sure thousands of people were standing by, waiting with bated breath to see Chuck Hicks (Who?!) dance. Seriously. Who is this guy?

Here’s the breakdown on last nights show:

Ty Murray — He’s a good ‘ol boy who tries real hard, but I’m thinking he should just stick to being a cowboy. He’s nice enough, just boring and a bad dancer. He’s married to Jewel, that whiny chick who used to live in her car, now has millions and is sticking it to all the dentists of the world.

Shawn Johnson — There is a subculture of professional gymnasts out there and my guess is that Shawn is their leader. Technically she’s a great dancer. That’s not surprising since all sorts of dance classes are taken when you’re a professional gymnast. She’s a bit stiff at times but she still pulls off the dance. With that said, she kind of looks like a hobbit. And if she tells America that she’s only 17 in her sweet and pageant like intonation one more time I’m going to slice my ears off, Van Gogh style.

LT — Cut it out man. You’re the friggin’ refrigerator for Christ’s sake, stop dancing! I’m about to burn my rookie card if you don’t cut this crap out. Seriously. Stop.

Melissa Rycroft — During Melissa’s performance,  Beyonce’s “If I Were a Boy” was mutilated by the band. It was so awful that I couldn’t even pay attention to the dance. It doesn’t really matter, I’ll always pull for Melissa since she was douched-out by that prick Jason Mesnick. Seriously though, the chick who sang last night was brutal. Painful.

Lil Kim — She was awesome — girl can dance. More importantly — Latifah in the house!

Steve-O — Ugh.

Gilles Marini — I honestly had never heard of this guy before, but it’s clear that he’s going to win. At least he should. He dances almost as well as the professionals. His presence is almost unfair to the rest of the contestants. He’s pretty, dances well and gets emotional like a girl. Women love him. He’s winning. But once again, the band destroyed the song. See (or hear) for yourself here. Fall Out Boy‘s “Dance, Dance” was destroyed by the band. I don’t get why they just don’t have a DJ instead of a crappy band.

Chuck Wicks — I don’t even know what to say about this guy. He makes me want to kick a puppy. I can’t put my finger on why exactly. He’s so stiff and wimpy and orange. I’m wondering if he’s recently been exposed to plutonium? He’s so bright and fluorescent. He’s really putting in a lot of effort which just seems pointless since that Gilles dude is going to win. And the judges encouraging him at this point borders on patronizing. I like it.

Reality Check appears every Thursday, sometimes Tuesday and Wednesday, and there’s always a chance for some action on Monday… and Friday.

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