I was flipping through the radio dial yesterday and heard a commercial for a morning talk show that shocked me, disturbed me, and made me lose just a bit more faith in humanity — Danny Bonduce has a morning talk show on Philadelphia radio. Either this was a really bad dream or I drank way too much cough syrup. Is local radio that desperate that they enlisted the wisecracking, red-headed stepchild Danny Partridge as a host?  Was Gary “whatchoo talkin’ about Willis” Coleman too busy filming Free Credit Report commercials? 

 

Instead, they hired Bonaduce — who once warmed his way into our hearts and homes on the Partridge Family; and later in life wormed his way into many a hooker’s pants. Wasn’t he just boxing Elvira: Mistress of the Dark on Pay-Per-View? Well, actually I think it was Jose Canseco. Regardless, it was someone just as washed up, coked out, and as desperate for attention as him. He hasn’t just disrespected his extended fifteen minutes of fame — he has habitually given it the middle finger and taken a giant poop on it.  He should have faded into oblivion with the guy who played Rueben Kincaid.   

I haven’t listened to the show, but I am sure I can assume what a typical show consists of. I would image currently he makes bailout jokes that use some sort of sexual innuendo, goes out of his way to be extreme and offensive. And of course I am sure he is keeping the FCC on their toes and pushing the envelope by using questionably radio-ok words like tits, balls, and dick. You can also bet that the producer has an itchy trigger finger when it comes to the sound effects button. 

What does he talk about? Does he make bitter diatribes about his former co-star — teen heartthrob David Cassidy? How many stories can he tell about doing lines of blow off the chests of strippers? And if all his alleged sexual exploits really happened, his naughty parts probably glow in the dark and make snap, crackle, and popping noises. That’s if they haven’t fallen off yet. And bless his poor microphone — the thing probably has cold sores and smells like Crown Royal.

 Although I have to admit, Bonaduce has a tough job ahead of him. He is following in the footsteps of Diamond David Lee Roth, who had that time slot prior to Danny. All Diamond Dave did was talk about doing blow off stripper’s chests all morning. Uh-oh. And Danny has to compete against The Preston and Steve show, which is also chock-full of poo-poo and pee-pee jokes. And how do you entertain an audience of mindless listeners who keep energy drinks sales up, Vin Diesel in big budget films, and Nickleback on top of the charts? I think the toughest job, however, may be for his co-hosts, named Shila and Metro; because they have to try and laugh at all the things he says. I’d have to summon my inner Bobby DeNiro to pull off that kind of acting.    

What’s next? Our economy is falling apart, there is a never-ending war going on in Iraq, people are losing their homes and jobs, and now Danny Bonaduce has his own radio show. Every day I feel all the more guilty about bringing a child into the world!

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