November 10, 2008
I dream I am a superhero or avenger type indulging in one of my favorite hobbies: walking through amusement park spook house rides and examining spook house artifacts. As I climb through very late at night I get wind of a competing hero who is plotting my demise. I run around a shopping center in circles in an attempt to draw the competing hero out. My plan is to turn a corner very quickly and then when she turns to follow me I change my direction and leap towards her. In this scenario, we collide and I knock her out. My plan fails because, wisely, she does not follow me.

September 5, 2008
I dream I am in California and staying with Mary in her beautiful condominium. She is a perfect host. I find to my surprise that Mary is writing a novel in which she lives near Peter Parker, but that she, not he, is actually Spiderman. She wants feedback on her draft. In the meantime, my dry cleaner is in Mary’s condo laundering a bejeweled ritual cassock.

June 15, 1999
I dream I got an amazing deal on a car loan and a high-pressure salesperson calls. She wants me to recommend friends she can call to solicit business. I decline. Moments later, she appears at the door. I try to explain as nicely as possible that I’d prefer not to get my friends involved, but she gets belligerent. In desperation, I repeat the words “American Maid” three times and a naked blonde superhero appears and gets rid of the woman. Later, when I relate the experience to my brother, he asks if I had sex with American Maid.

Fred’s Dreams is published every Wednesday.

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