Watching the news of a sit-in at NYU last week got me thinking about how lame today’s college students are and, of course, what fictional character can be blamed. Sure, it would be easy to point to the men of Delta house as the example to which some collegians aspire, and fail, to emulate by wearing t-shirts that read “College.” But, that’s not quite accurate. The culprit behind the decline of modern education is actually even less subtle.  

Our man is Thornton Mellon, from the film Back To School, one of the most underrated films of the 1980s. I say he is less subtle because he has the unique distinction of being the only fictional character that I can think of that is actually accused of in the film what I am actually accusing him of. In an early part of the film, Mellon’s economics professor and romantic rival, Dr. Phillip Barbay — a stuffy middle aged man with some sort of British accent, whose fetishes includes having women dress up as Wonder Woman and tie him up with the golden lariat and force him to tell the truth — sums it up: “That… is Mr. Thornton Mellon. The world’s oldest living freshman… and the walking epitome of the decline in modern education. The stupid clod thinks he can buy his way out of the gutter,” he quips to Sally Kellerman’s character, who is the love interest of both men. (I mean, Sally Kellerman? As Rodney Dangerfield said in another movie — “She must have been something before electricity.”)

People of a certain age always complain that the kids today aren’t as smart as they were or don’t take school as seriously as they should.  We all knew people in college who basically did nothing for 4+ years and probably would have been better off going to a technical school, or just joining the work force, as far as career prospects are concerned. Basically, despite the belief of some in government, a college education is not for everyone and this has nothing to do with money. Much like that of the government, it is the driving, and false, belief of Mellon, who is told as a young boy by his father, that “a man without an education is nothing,” that fuels his behavior. While statistics on compensation may back up this claim, there are many successful people without formal training who are considered successful in the world, Mellon himself being a prime example.  He conveys this idea to his son, who is also a terrible student, at least when we first meet him, in order to keep him in school. Neither of these clowns are college material from what we can tell. But he continues to fund his useless education, even attempting to have his astronomy homework done by NASA, and joins him, taking up a seat that should be given to a more deserving student.

Like Bluto and D-Day and the gang, he is a lovable screw-up who makes good. But unlike the Animal House crew, who were underdogs and used their wit and humor to be a thorn in the side of college administrators, Thornton is not really that clever. Fun, yes. A guy you want to be friends with and party with, probably. But clever is not what really comes to mind. Most of what he does — buys his way into school by donating money for the new business school; renovates his dorm into a full fledged bachelor pad; hires Oingo Boingo for his mid-term bash; has Kurt Vonnegut write a paper about his own work (which gets a failing grade) — takes only a truck full of money to attain, and not really a scheming mind to procure. He is not an underdog, at least not at this point in his life. He is, as Dr. Barbay says, “a stupid clod.” 

Mellon, while the protagonist of the film, is the classic anti-hero if you look at it from the side of the serious academic. And his victory in the end only proves that the academic (Dr. Barbay), who is cooped up with his books and his theories, is no match for the battle tested and experienced man of the world regardless of his actual intellectual capabilities. It is the triumph of anti-intellectualism and the start of the downturn, which would be on full display for anyone touring a college today. Or one would just need to reference several articles written in the past few years which talk about the full service dorms and luxury amenities that some schools use to lure more affluent students. While one could point to the general sense of entitlement that is prevalent in the generation now attending college, it is clearly the influence of Thornton Mellon and the aforementioned renovation of his dorm room setting the example.

All problems have a flash point, where the underlying issues converge and act as a catalyst. Ultimately, Thornton is given the honor of speaking at graduation, the first freshman ever to have such an honor. His rhetoric, not surprisingly, is simple. He talks about how tough it is in the world, and with one quick quip sets in motion the state of arrested development that many post grads live in. He states, “It’s rough out there. Move in with your parents. Let them worry about it.” This virus claims its first victim with the shot of the blond guy wearing the child’s sized Mickey Mouse sunglasses (did this not bother anyone else?) spreading from there the infantilization and the novelization of the graduation ceremony that launches the decline of modern education from which many of our nation’s problems stem and from which President Obama claims he will reverse. But is Captain Hope a match for the Triple Lindy? We shall see.

Do you have a real world problem that may have been caused by a fictional character? Feel the need to defend a fictional character that has been erroneously charged with causing one? Let me know in the comment section or email me your suggestions. I’m ready to believe you.  

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