Robert: One subject not much talked about in these days of Presidential transition is the role of Michelle Obama. She was one of the reasons for Obama’s strong appeal to black people. Black women really like her and the idea of her. They love that Barack “did not marry white,” and “did not marry light.”

I’m hoping that the black community, with all of our family problems, draws some inspiration from Michelle and Barack Obama and their children. There are kids in tough city neighborhoods who basically don’t know anyone who has a father, particularly a married father, living at home with his wife and children. Symbolism cannot overcome entrenched social trends and problems, but I’m hoping black people find a way to build upon the fact that we have some black “Cleavers” in the white house. (I’m also hoping that Obama’s tenure will help black people feel more OK about being self-critical. One of the worst aspects of having an administration in power that seems hostile is that it leads people to be so defensive. I’m also hoping that Obama’s election leads to people recalibrating expectations, such that they aspire for more, for higher positions, better positions in the work place and in public office.)

 

   Paula: I agree that the Obamas represent a seemingly exemplary model of family life, not just for black people but for all people. The relationship of the parents (so well matched and mutually respectful), the feisty but essentially obedient children, the sense of a loving, supportive, structured home — all this appears to be there and is what we, who have families, aspire to. But I have to admit to occasionally feeling that the Obamas look too good to be true — like the Cosbys or, going back in time, like the Cleavers. That’s ostensibly a good thing. I think The Cosby Show probably did a lot of good in modeling a kind of grounded, middle class family for black people — and all people (all people because at the time of that show, only a minority family could get away with so much perfection — a mainstream white family would have to be dysfunctional or people wouldn’t believe it, or wouldn’t suspend their disbelief as readily). In the case of the Obamas, I am dazzled by the family, but some part of me is also skeptical. Perhaps because I myself am so deeply neurotic and flawed as a parent (and, at the same time, know myself to be far from the worst of parents), I wonder about the Obamas. I find it hard to believe that any family can be so uninflectedly healthy and happy.

Part of me thinks that family life is by definition riddled with difficulty and hidden or erupting dysfunction. I wonder if the Obamas are presenting an unrealistic image of family life to the world that may frustrate onlookers or whether there are difficulties that we don’t see. I don’t think this is a superficial or irrelevant speculation. More than even his policies, Obama embodies an idea: of level-headedness, tolerance, intelligence, and family values. If indeed he is the sort of father he appears to be, and if his family is as exemplary as it looks, we need to learn more about how he achieved this. Fix families, as I see it, and you fix the nation and the world.

 

Robert: You sell yourself short. If you were running for office, your family life would look quite ideal. Now my life, that’s another story. But I think I see your point: what we don’t see is how hard the Obamas have struggled to get to this present point. Michelle was not excited about him running for office as I understand it and was initially skeptical about him running for president. They had marriage conflicts early on that have been written about. He was away from home a lot, campaigning and all (before the presidential campaign). Michelle did not appreciate his absences. I think it took a while for them to reach the place where they are now. It might be helpful for the country if some of that struggle could be seen.

There was an interview on NPR yesterday with a photographer with Time who has gotten close access to the Obamas. She’s the one who took the photos of Barack and Michelle sending off the children to the first day of school in the new city. Anyway, the photographer said that Barack is so aware that he could not have run for president without the support of Michelle and the children. She said he was very aware of that and extremely thankful. She said this in a way that sounded real. It wasn’t like politicians giving the rote thank you to the wife, etc. I guess there’s a huge difference between expecting your family to make sacrifices for your career ambitions and being really thankful that your family has made sacrifices.

 

Paula: Yes, I see all that. I’m just saying I’m not entirely buying — or maybe I’m just jealous of — the ability to not have resentment or strain in such circumstances. I want more of the flawed, human dimension to show itself, though I realize that if any flaws were to show, the media would pounce on them. We distrust perfection, then we insist on it, and then vilify if it turns out not to be entirely true. A very American sort of mix of naïveté, idealism, and hypocrisy.

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