Jewish kids get creamed during the holiday season. Every single television show is about Christmas and Santa. My daughter was watching Dora the other night and after the show ended, she turned to me and said in this tiny little voice (mind you, she’s 2 ½), “Mommy, Santa come and bring me presents?” My heart sank. Years of childhood angst gurgled in my stomach and started to well in my throat. I remembered the feeling I had as a little Jewish kid during Christmas. It sucked. Plain and simple. I wanted a tree and lights and stockings hanging above my fireplace. I wanted to put out cookies and milk at night and pretend that it wasn’t my parents that ate them and left all those presents under the tree. I wanted all of it. No matter how many times they tried to beef it up, I never fell for the idea that eight nights of Hanukkah were way better than one day of Christmas. I wasn’t buying it. There was no escaping the fact that I felt left out of the biggest and greatest day of the year. I understood that the world basically ignored Jews during the holiday season. But I still felt burned. Even as a kid, if I saw a menorah in a store, it felt patronizing next to the 40 foot tree and 50,000 lights that covered it. The Thanksgiving Day Parade even ended with a kick in the teeth for me. Who’s the big star of the show? Who closes out the parade with that condescending grin? Santa!

And now, here I was, faced with the first of what I imagine will be millions of questions about Christmas and Santa. I felt sad for my daughter. There she was, watching her favorite person in the world (Dora) enjoying an afternoon with Santa, his reindeer and that goofy looking monkey she hangs out with. What was I supposed to say to her? Do I tell her that Santa doesn’t exist? That Santa doesn’t visit Jewish kids? Or do I dish the shit like NORAD and tell her that Santa visits anyone who believes in him? What a load of crap. I believed in that tubby bastard and he never came to see me.

I had to think fast. I told her that Santa is for people that celebrate Christmas and that we celebrate Hanukkah. She looked at me, smiled, and asked for pudding. Crisis averted. But what about next year? And the year after that? What happens when there’s no pudding in the fridge? Or worse, Santa’s big fat face is on the pudding container?

Tags: family & parenting, race & culture by Jaclyn Roth
5 Comments »

The question is rhetorical. Partly because I hope most parents would know better than to name their kid after one of the most evil men in history, and partly because if you would, I don’t think I would want to know.

A mom and dad in New Jersey named their little boy Adolf Hitler and they are angry because the local ShopRite refused to create a birthday cake that said “Happy Birthday Adolf Hitler.” One might argue that it’s just a name and there is no reason to be offended. This boy can be raised in a way to give the Hitler name new meaning; however, I doubt that’s going to happen here. Adolf has two sisters, one named JoyceLynn Aryan Nation and another named for Nazi leader Heinrich Himmler. Oh yeah… and their house is complete with a swastika in every room.

The thing that gets me the most angry about this is not his parents’ beliefs — I think they are morons, but this is a free country, so they can believe what they want. The thing that gets me the most angry is that these idiots gave their kids names that will will affect them in a negative way for all of their life. I think naming your kid Apple is stupid too, but it’s no Adolf Hitler.

Tags: family & parenting, race & culture by Amy Boshnack
10 Comments »

Browsing the Internet the other day I came upon a Time magazine story from 40 years ago headlined “Second Acts in American Lives.” It was about people taking up new careers in middle age. Curious, I googled the F. Scott Fitzgerald quote the headline alluded to, and immediately came upon another piece from just four years ago in Wired with a similar headline: “No Second Acts?” It was about … people taking up new careers in middle age.

What is interesting about this is that the authors of both stories not only miss the point of Fitzgerald’s remark, but also don’t seem to know anything about three-act plays. The second act is the one where complication enters and confrontation takes place. It’s the development section. Fitzgerald may well have had in mind the old saying that “the second act is the best.” At any rate, what he was suggesting was that American lives tend toward arrested development. I certainly don’t think he had career changes in mind. [Read more →]

Tags: that's what he said, by Frank Wilson by Frank Wilson
2 Comments »

You want to see the difference Democrats can make when in charge of American politics? Consider this: Rod Blagojevich won’t quit, Caroline Kennedy wants to run, and George Bush can’t run fast enough to dodge Iraqi shoes. This is a new world order, ladies and gentlemen. I have no idea what it means or will mean. I have great hopes for it. But whatever it is, it has begun.

I’m old enough to remember thinking that Bobby Kennedy was a shameless opportunist when he ran for senator from New York — he was a Kennedy from Massachusattes just like his dead brother. It struck me as obscene in a sort of Philadelphia neighborhood way. How could you just move to New York and get elected senator?

Well, sir, I have learned my lesson about American politics. I have seen a Boston Irish anti-Brahmin not only become the first Catholic president, but have seen his scheming younger brother win an election and my heart. And I have felt that heart, still broken from the first, break again. And then I swore off Kennedys and wondered why anyone would ever trust them again. We need leaders, not martyrs. [Read more →]

Tags: politics & government by Clark DeLeon
No Comments »

Robert: Paula, I’ve been afraid to write anything about the election and about the transition for fear that I would be disappointed or made a fool of for praising Barack’s achievements. But I’ll take the leap and say that I think he has handled the process marvelously. I mean, he has picked people who all seem to be really smart and really practical. He’s selected problem solvers — smart people who have “practical creativity,” as David Brooks put it in the Times.

I think the appointment of Rahm Emanuel as chief of staff was an amazingly smart choice. Emanuel is one of the most energetic and practical people in Washington. Emanuel will be able to help Barack forge great relations with the Congress. He’ll know how to guide Barack through the back and forth over legislation. Emanuel is famously abrasive, but Obama is likely to smooth his edges. And some abrasiveness seems called for in a chief of staff, who has to play the bad cop to the president’s good cop. But what about that other, controversial appointment of Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State? It’s a brilliant choice, in my opinion. What do you think?

   Paula: I agree with you about Obama’s impressive transition. His judgment and presentation have been so impeccable that one almost feels that he’s bound for a fall. [Read more →]

Tags: conversations with Paula and Robert, politics & government by Robert Anthony Watts
No Comments »

What kind of work environment could possibly lead to this situation?

A Buffalo man told police two men, including his manager, forced him from his home Friday evening and drove him to the restaurant where he works and told him to clean grease off a Dumpster.

The man… said the pair forced their way into his bedroom by kicking open the door.

He also told police when he was done the manager gave him his paycheck and instructed him not to go to the police or “he would end up dead somewhere.”

I’ve heard people joke about this sort of thing as a solution to truancy in the public schools, but it just doesn’t work in restaurants. The reality is that this is a terrible way to motivate people. Even in tough economic times, when forcing your employees back to work may seem charitable — after all, who couldn’t use the overtime? — it’s just not effective.  And Friday evening was awfully darn cold in Buffalo. While I am sure there is a bit more to this news story, whatever’s missing can’t possibly justify this managerial response. He was probably going way against company procedure.

Still, as wrong as the manager’s actions may seem, I’d like to thank him and his accomplice for what they’ve done. It’s stories like these that help the rest of America to keep a positive view of our own jobs. Even on the worst day, I will always be able to say that my boss just isn’t the breaking-and-entering-and-stealing-my-phone-and-dragging-me-to-work-and-threatening-my-life-and-then-paying-me type of guy.  He really, really isn’t.  That’s probably worth a “thank you.”

Tags: all work, on the law by Jason Sterlace
No Comments »

Tags: photography by Andrew Turner
No Comments »

So my wife and I tried to return a few things to Babies R’ Us that were given to us off of our baby registry: nothing was opened,  everything brand new, and still being sold in the store and online for the same retail price. We had all the gift receipts. The stuff was bought in June, and now it’s December, and we had no idea that there was this new hard-line ‘nothing-can-be-returned-after-90-days’ policy because on the gift receipt it says “Easy Returns.” Well, not so much… [Read more →]

Tags: diatribes by Terrence Cheng
7 Comments »

Broke? Busy? Too much shopping on too small a budget in too little time for too many people?

It sucks to be you. No, really, it does, I’m not kidding.

So, instead of telling you how to make rustic country napkin rings for your sister out of tinfoil and empty deodorant cans, I’m going to give you a gift, a 30-minute indulgence. It will be 30 minutes of luxurious solitude that is secret and serious and very cheap. Don’t tell anyone.

You need to shop for one gorgeous avocado that is darkly green and slightly tender. You need to also buy some decent tortilla chips, probably restaurant-style, with no added flavoring or nacho stuff on them. Add a lemon and some salsa if you don’t already have some at home. It will cost maybe $7.

Go home with your stuff and hide it in the garage or the dryer until you have half an hour of guaranteed alone-time. By which I mean alone.

When the time comes, follow these steps:

1. With a sharp knife, cut open the avocado length-wise and remove pit. Scoop out the green stuff with a spoon.
2. Mash green stuff in a bowl with a fork while squeezing lemon juice in it occasionally.
3. Stir in a tablespoon or two of salsa or picante sauce.
4. If you have cilantro lying around, cut some up and throw it in. Otherwise, just salt, pepper, a little hot sauce, maybe.
5. Eat the whole thing out of the bowl with your chips.
6. Don’t ask. Don’t tell. Do not share.

This will make up for the Wii you can’t find, the Wii you can’t afford, the dumb thing your mother-in-law is picking out for you right now, all those damn cookies you have to bake, the office party if you’re still employed, and maybe more. It’s full of good healthy stuff  so you won’t feel sick or guilty afterward. Really, humans were meant to eat entire avocados just like we eat entire apples — we’re just out of practice.

Why the secrecy? Because guacamole makes people greedy and selfish and you don’t need to see that right now. You are focused on the moment and the beauty and the splendor. You don’t have time for the darkness. You don’t have time for the panic. It’s your solitary time, to be spent any way you see fit. An entire avocado is just the catalyst. But, don’t substitute a diet mochacchino or a whole cheesecake or anything. Those are just karmic rubber bands that will come back and snap you on the ass.

Avocados are special. Solitary avocados create a spiritual barricade around your soul so that its pilot light doesn’t sputter out. This is a proven fact. Oh, and one more thing:

    7. Repeat as needed.

Peace out, Ruby

Whassup? Tell Ruby.

Tags: advice, recipes & food by Ruby Mac
No Comments »

First, the story, then the story behind the story.

The Stacker

by Scott Stein

The stack was developing as a sort of snowflake, with a symmetry as unconventional as it was unconditional. The columns at the snowflake’s outer tips consisted of the rectangular crates, which grew larger as they neared the ceiling, and the crates with still more sides also grew progressively larger throughout the stack. The stack was sorted by code in a diagonal pattern, both alphabetically and numerically, and a chessboard arrangement had also emerged, with the alternation of light and dark wood crates throughout.

Had the Stacker intended all of it? [Read more →]

Tags: books & writing, creative writing by Scott Stein
1 Comment »

The comedian Todd Barry has a great bit on hanging out with the dread “we agree on everything” couple who “pretend to share the most obscure opinions in the world” as an over the top, contrived way of trumpeting just how miraculously intertwined their consciousnesses have become thanks to the Big L-O-V-E. Median interests do merge, of course, especially in marriage — that is if you want to create a home rather than two herds of competing hobby horses under a single shared roof. At the same time, individualism is the birthright of the bourgeois (see the fantastic Age of Abundance) and to completely undermine that, under whatever auspices, does a great disservice to the generations of those for whom individual pursuits, interests and rights were — and in many parts of the world still are — subverted to the all-consuming struggle to simply survive. Not to mention one of the great things about a long-term relationship is how differences in taste can broaden horizons, drag you out of self-wrought ruts, and, with surprising frequency, bring the funny.      

Last year, for example, in a piece I wrote for the now-defunct magazine Radar on extreme metal culture, I recounted a conversation in which I tried to differentiate for my wife the nuances between the death metal and grindcore bands I was about to go see:

My long-suffering wife, a financial attorney whose taste in music runs more toward the Decemberists and Built to Spill than Nasum and Tragedy, finds it difficult to take an interest in some of my interests, try as she might. 

“You must be excited to see Pig Destroyer,” she said as I headed off to last year’s Summer Slaughter package tour.

“No, it’s Cattle Decapitation,” I answered, perhaps a bit snippily. Does she ever listen to me? “Different band.”

“Wasn’t Pig Destroyer playing, too, though?”

“Actually, Cattle Decapitation is playing with … well, just plain Decapitation and Cephalic Carnage.”

“What’s ‘cephalic’ mean?”

“Um, head, I think.”

“Head carnage? Okay, have a … uh, good time?”

Likewise, this morning I somehow came to make a crack about Mario Van Peebles — that kinder, gentler cultural descendent of Richard Roundtree whose entire career has fairly screamed If only I came of age in 1971! Sadly for Mr. Van Peebles, my wife insisted I had invented the name and, so, a few hours later, disregarding the fact that she has, you know, a real job, I badgered her with an email linking to the African American star’s IMDB page. Subject line: Here’s the part where you apologize…

Her response?

I think I can be forgiven for not knowing the name of the star of the movie  How to Get the Man’s Foot Outta Your Ass, aka Baadasssss!, aka Badass, aka Gettin’ the Man’s Foot Outta Your Baadasssss! 

Umm…touche! I love my wife. Even more than Mario Van Peebles. What choice do I have?

Tags: art & entertainment, his & hers by Shawn Macomber
2 Comments »

December 5, 2008
I dream I am in the car with my mother after a trip to the Vietnamese supermarket. As I ponder whether or not I will be able to make a right before the traffic light changes, I realize that I am looking down at the traffic light from approximately 30 yards up. Impossibly, my car is hovering in the air. I don’t know how it got there, and I don’t know how to operate it in hover mode. Then, in a Sean Connery voice, I say to my mother a line from The Untouchables: “If he sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That’s the Chicago way!”

November 28, 2008
I dream I am in my large, newly remodeled bathroom contemplating how wonderful it is. Suddenly, my nemesis crawls out from behind a cabinet. He claims to have an official reason for having meetings in my bathroom, but I know he is there to harass me. I chase him, but he has a head start. As soon as I appear to be catching up, I find myself in a grassy field, and huge fences start to appear around the perimeter to restrain me. There is a gate guarded by a goat and a policewoman. In order to be allowed out, I have to promise the policewoman that I will sing a song for my mother at an upcoming holiday.

July 2, 1998
I dream I am in an office space, and I get a call from someone who doesn’t identify himself. He annoys me, but I don’t hang up because he is amusing and I think I must know him from somewhere. We discuss local theater. Then my mother comes in, and I ditch the caller to spend time with her. She pretends her visit is normal, but I realize that she’s visiting from beyond the grave. I tell her how much I appreciate her visit. When I leave, I thank an office worker and ask if she’s dead too, or if she’s simply an extra.

Tags: Fred's dreams by Fred Siegel
No Comments »

If you are female, between 20 and 30 years old, of “appropriate weight for your height” and in very good health, you could qualify to earn up to $50,000 for your fertile eggs! Yes, there is a lot involved and a lot of restrictions will be placed on your life while awaiting the “transfer” — but this is the one time in a woman’s life where she can easily — and legally — earn more than a man.

Men get a mere $100 for their sperm. Yes, you clearly need both sperm and egg to make a baby, but obtaining donated sperm is a hell of a lot easier. Although men do need to go through a battery of tests and extensive questioning of their medical histories and their families’ medical histories, it is ultimately a lot simpler for a man to donate (i.e., a cup and a magazine with pictures of pretty girls or guys (whatever their preference)).

Understandably, in these tough economic times, a lot of women are looking into this option — as well as looking into the option of becoming a surrogate. At one hospital in Cleveland there is no longer a waiting list for egg donors (which in some cities have been longer than a year) and in California, the typical six-month wait to find a surrogate has disappeared completely. Some men have even been encouraging their wives to donate and increase the family purse. Of course, there are others who donate just to help someone else out.

Would you donate for cash? For me, I think it would depend on how strapped my family really was…

Tags: health & medical, money by Amy Boshnack
4 Comments »

Showing just how delusional the American banking system really is, US Banking regulators are reporting that more than 50% of borrowers who received help with mortgage modifications are defaulting again after only six months.

According to statistics now available, 36% of borrowers who received mortgage assistance default again after only 3 months. This rate jumps to 53% after 6 months and 58% after 8 months.

Banking professionals claim that this is “surprising, and not in a good way.”

What? Really?

Did they think that people who were foolish enough to buy in to variable rate mortgages when there was no way they could afford to make payments if the rate actually did vary, were suddenly struck with a surfeit of fiscal responsibility and would be smart about their finances?

I suppose, to be fair, we could focus on the 48% who have not yet defaulted. Being the eternal optimist that I am, I am sure the failure numbers will be higher as we approach the 12 month mark.

I would love to see these geniuses run their plans past the Dragons for approval before they implement them!

Tags: money by David "Preacher" Slocum
2 Comments »

I find it disconcerting to realize that it has been more than half a century since I first read Ralph Waldo Emerson’s essay “Self-Reliance.” At least I know I’ve had plenty of time to think it over. I’ve read it a number of times since then, of course, but that first encounter has stayed in my mind with extraordinary vividness. It took place in February 1957. I was 15, a sophomore in high school. But I had stayed home from school that day because of a bad cold — for some reason colds affected me worse when I was young than later on.

The day was very clear and very cold. The bedroom where I sat reading was filled with dazzling winter sunlight. I don’t remember why I decided to read “Self-Reliance.” It was in an anthology of classic American literature that we had lying around the house. I knew that Emerson was supposed to be an important writer, so maybe I just decided to see if he lived up to his reputation.

He sure did for me. “Self-Reliance” hit me like a personal declaration of independence. “Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist.” “A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds….” “To be great is to be misunderstood.” What bookish adolescent wouldn’t thrill to such words?

Conformism was much talked about at the time. Sloan Wilson’s novel The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit — which had to do with conformity as exemplified by corporate yes men — had come out two years earlier and its screen adaptation hit theaters the year before. Maybe that’s what made Emerson’s essay seem so up-to-date.

At any rate, it was not those famous quotes from “Self-Reliance” that grabbed me so much as this one: [Read more →]

Tags: books & writing, that's what he said, by Frank Wilson by Frank Wilson
3 Comments »

It won’t be long now before the post-apocalyptic future, as shown in the Terminator movies, comes to pass.

Famed technologist Ray Kurzwell is predicting that machines will have evolved enough to match man’s cognitive abilites in just another 20 years. I think he is being overly optimistic about the time we have left, based on the launch of our Overlord’s surveillance construct, iSentry.

The successful test of a hovering anti-missile device called, aptly enough, the Multiple Kill Vehicle, is just the latest nail in the coffin that is our mastery of this planet.

Combine the iSentry and an MKV with the Israeli’s new offensive robot, and you have a wonderful tool with which to control the masses!

Sure, call me a nutcase, but I swear my toaster has been acting mighty uppity.

Tags: black helicopter watch, technology by David "Preacher" Slocum
1 Comment »

I was born an atheist. In the  Soviet Union, religion was not outlawed, but it was greatly frowned upon, so most people didn’t bother, unless they had very passionate feelings about it. My family didn’t, beyond my grandmother’s histrionic appeals to God to witness the outrage of me, age six, refusing to finish my soup. When we immigrated to the United States in 1980, I looked into getting some religion but nothing struck my fancy, mainly because I couldn’t grasp the concept of making a leap of faith across the gaping abyss of logic. Still can’t. My atheism is what it is. I don’t feel what Salman Rushdie called “a religion-shaped hole” in my modern life.

That’s why American atheist activists freak me out. [Read more →]

Tags: religion & philosophy by Olga Gardner Galvin
2 Comments »

So it’s December 7th and the day is just about to come to a close.

With nary a mention of Pearl Harbor in public media, at least, through a day’s worth of checking into CNN and flipping around the radio.

Usually, there’s some mention — it may get one on the 11:00 news tonight. I’ll find out in a few minutes. It may have received some mention this morning, but I didn’t watch the news this morning. I didn’t look at the paper. I’ll admit I didn’t go out of my way to find it.

I didn’t really have to; though I’m far from having lived through it, the mention of December 7th automatically brings to my inner ear Roosevelt’s “a date which will live in infamy”, and some tangible imagining of the ripples of the fear and anger that gripped Americans on that day.

What happened?

[Read more →]

Tags: terror & war, trusted media & news by Andrew Turner
No Comments »

I love times like these. I really do.

No, I don’t revel in human misery and I don’t derive any pleasure from watching others struggle. I do, however, look forward to the bargains I can rake in once the hype and fear have dropped to manageable levels.

The economy slumps, a terror alert is issued, a democrat is elected and winter is coming. The uncertain economic situation leads to a rise in the awareness of crime, if not the crime rate itself.

These events all lead the easily panicked to rush to the stores and stock up on nifty items like guns & ammo, generators and survival gear. They stockpile against the coming dark ages and when, as we all hope, society bounces back, they look at these panic purchases and feel guilty. They think about the nice things they could have bought with the money  and they feel guilty for falling prey to the ‘sky is falling’ mentality that they had previously mocked. They don’t like to admit that they felt afraid and don’t want to face the loss of faith in their fellow man. [Read more →]

Tags: black helicopter watch by David "Preacher" Slocum
No Comments »

The report of the imminent terrorist WMD attack on U.S. soil by 2013 recommends stationing at least 15,000 trained military troops, prepared for quick response, inside the country by 2011, in addition to the National Guard and local law enforcement. The imminent, of course, gives rise to the inevitable: legitimate questions and concerns about violation of the Posse Comitatus Act, which precludes the federal government from using the military for domestic purposes.

But I’d be much more inclined to get in a tizzy about the potential suspension of the Posse Comitatus if this story didn’t come on the heels of Black Friday, during which those of us who holed up at home, still grooving on the turkey, were treated to the news of a deadly gunfight at a Toys ‘R’ Us in California and an equally deadly stampede at a Wal-Mart on Long Island that ripped the doors off their hinges and trampled to death a Wal-Mart worker untrained in crowd control and unprepared for quick response. (I’ll leave the Mumbai situation out of this, since it’s not a U.S. soil issue.)

If this is how people behave when low-priced goods are at stake, what are the chances they will behave in an orderly fashion and cooperate with the authorities — whose competence in these matters is justifiably suspect — to contain and control the damages when the imminent and inevitable panic strikes?

Somehow, while the memories of the Wal-Mart pileup are still fresh, the long-term dangers of potential abuse of the Posse Comitatus loom less threatening than they should.

Just sayin’…

Tags: on the law, terror & war by Olga Gardner Galvin
2 Comments »