Dear Ruby,
After many years of saying no, our whole family is going to spend the holidays with our richer, smarter, more successful, better dressed cousins. I’ve worked myself into a state over this because I’m tired of being on the dork side of the family. I’ve been packed for weeks, I’ve got a good haircut, I have a script in my head that carefully and impressively describes my pretty decent job, but I’m still terrified that I’m going to spend the whole weekend feeling like I’m on a job interview and then screw it up anyway and go home a dork, from a herd of dorks.

We found out a couple of days ago that they have a family football game like the freaking Kennedys. The closest we come to family exercise is wrestling for the remote during commercials. Do you have any advice?

Shirttail Loser

Dear Shi-Lo,
I won’t insult your intelligence by trying to convince you to not to get stressed or to “just be yourself.” We know that’s a crock, don’t we? But, I do have a few suggestions for getting through this special occasion with your self-respect.

1. Etiquette matters. Offer to help in the kitchen, clear the table, change a baby or a grandparent — whatever. Act like you’re “well-brought up,” even if you’re not, and it will reflect well on your family. At least they’ll add, “but she’s soooo nice,” to all the bad things they say about you.
2. Stay sober. Ideally, stay the soberest in the room. If everyone gets drunk, then you can have a few, but otherwise stay well under your limit. By the way, this also applies to dinner with your coworkers, boyfriend’s parents, and all class reunions.
3. Don’t get so paranoid that you don’t participate. Add your well-considered comments to the conversation, but avoid the usual inflammatory topics like religion and politics. Be sunny and upbeat and appropriate.
4. Stick up for your family. Don’t let them divide and conquer you. Even if your side of the family has more than its share of black sheep, they’re your black sheep. You will not look better by dissing them, you will just look desperate and disloyal.
5. Don’t cave in. Say no to the football, the singalongs, the adult game of Twister with an earnest, “I’m sorry, I’m just not up to it right now. But, thanks for asking!” Keeping your dignity without excuses is the secret voodoo trick of The Cool.

So, that’s it. Take the high road, be a good listener, act with calm confidence — and it’s just possible that one of them will crack and you’ll be supremely ready to pounce on and exploit all their hidden weaknesses. Because, this time of year, it’s all about family.

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