A few days ago, I had to drive through the night to get from a client meeting in one distant city to an early-morning meeting in another city hundreds of miles away.  (It was a little too close for flying.)  It was about 9:00 in the evening and, because I was driving through farm country, it was pitch black, with hardly any other cars on the highway. 

I love the peaceful feeling of driving long distances alone at night, and I was listening to the Pretenders; all was right with the world.  Until the bright red “Oil Warning” light popped on. 

This is where the scam began. 

As most drivers know, the Oil Warning light is not something you ever want to see.  As I’ve always understood it, it doesn’t mean you merely need to add some oil, or change your oil; it means that due to a failure of the oil pump or a punctured oil pan, you have no oil pressure at all, and if you don’t stop the car very soon, the engine could seize up and be ruined.   In fact, the light on my dashboard didn’t just say “Warning.”   Under the icon of the Aladdin’s Lamp-shaped oil can with a single drop at its tip, there was a bold black statement that commanded me to “EXIT NOW.”

So I did, after about ten anxious minutes of searching for the next highway exit.  And found myself in a nearly deserted hamlet called Prophetstown.  The only businesses open were a convenience store and a tavern, so I pulled in to the parking lot of the store and popped the hood (although, because my car was a rental, it took me 20 solid minutes of hunting to find the hood release latch, recessed so far back under the steering wheel that I had to get on my knees to locate it in the dark.) 

Then I went into the store and borrowed a flashlight so I could locate the oil dipstick.  Naturally, the weather was near freezing.  Meanwhile, the helpful clerk behind the counter was nice enough to look up the roadside assistance number for my car rental company. 

While waiting for her to find the number I double-checked the owner’s manual to make sure I wasn’t over-reacting.  Not at all, according to the manual: It confirmed that the light didn’t mean merely that the car was low on oil, but rather that catastrophic engine damage was imminent and that the car had to be towed to a repair shop immediately.  In fact, the manual explicitly said not to attempt to drive the car under any circumstances.  I began contemplating finding a Motel Six somewhere in the area and missing my meeting the next morning, which was still hundreds of miles away. 

After talking to the roadside assistance guy, however, I began to relax.  “Oh, those lights go on all the time.”

“So how do I know if the engine is about to fail?”

“Was the car driving normally before the warning light went on?

“Yes.”

“Was the engine overheating?”

“No.”

“How was the oil level?”

“A little low, but normal.”

“Ah, then I wouldn’t worry about it.  Sometimes if you’ve just filled the gas tank and you don’t replace the gas cap tightly, it can trigger the warning light.”

That didn’t make any sense to me, but I let it pass.  But I didn’t want to take the chance of totaling a rental car, even though I had purchased all the coverages, so I reminded him of what the owner’s manual said. 

“Ah, I wouldn’t pay any attention to that.  That’s just one of those things they have to say for legal reasons or whatever.  I would just get back in the car and keep on driving.   Wait a minute.  Was your car making a lot of clicking noises after you turned off the engine?”

“Yeah, I noticed a lot of clicking.”

“Well, that’s not good.  That could indicate you really do have a problem.”  He paused.  “Ah, don’t worry about it.  Just jump back in the car and odds are you’ll be fine.”   

So I did what he said, and he was right.  I’d lost about 50 minutes fooling with the car and then trying to find my way back to the highway on the dark gravel roads of Prophetstown, and ended up having to stay in a motel about 30 miles outside my destination because it was close to midnight and I couldn’t drive anymore, but I woke up early the next morning and made my meeting in plenty of time.

When I returned my car to the rental place near my house, I told the assistant manager what had happened.  He seemed incredulous about what the roadside assistance guy had told me, and I thought he was about to lecture me about ignoring the warnings in the owners manual and continuing to drive the car for hundreds of miles more.

Quite the opposite.  He was indignant on my behalf that I had believed the owners manual even for an instant, and thereby had lost nearly an hour out of my trip.  He said, “there’s no way that not tightening the gas cap could make the Oil Warning light go on.  The Check Engine light, maybe.  The oil light?  Never.” 

Then he looked around to make sure the manager wasn’t in earshot and leaned forward.  “Listen, the only reason that light went on is that (insert name of Huge Non-U.S. Car Company here) programs some of their new models to have the Oil Warning light come on automatically at specific intervals, every few thousand miles, even if there’s nothing wrong with the engine.”

“Why on earth would they program their cars to do that?”

“Oh, it’s just to remind you to change your oil.”

“But why wouldn’t they have a simple “Check Oil” light come on instead of that big scary Warning light?  And why would they program the Warning light to come on automatically instead of when your oil pressure is actually low?”

“Because they want you to panic, and bring your car into the dealership immediately to get an oil change.  It’s a big source of revenue for them.”

“So some people might actually take the owners manual seriously and interrupt their trip and drive straight to the dealership, or in some case even have their car towed in to the dealership, when all the car needs is an oil change at some point in the next few weeks or months?”

“Yeah, like I said, that way they’re sure to get the oil change business instead of it going to a Jiffy Lube or whatever.”

I took a moment to absorb the profound cynicism of this. 

“So does that mean any time the Oil Warning/Exit Now light comes on in the future in any rental car I can just ignore it?”

“Oh no, absolutely not.  Only some of the new models from (Big, Cynical Car Company) are programmed to have the Warning light come on automatically.  With most cars, the light means what you think it means, and if you keep on driving…”

“Let me guess.  Your engine will seize up and you’ll have to replace it.”

“Exactly.” 

The lesson to be learned from this oily little scam?  The next time your Oil Warning Light comes on, you can safely ignore it. 

Or you can’t. 

You can keep on driving and not worry about it. 

Or you should pull over immediately. 

You can prop a CD case in front of your dashboard so you don’t have to look at the red Warning light, and continue to enjoy your cross-country drive.     

Or you should cancel your meeting or vacation plans, call for a tow truck, eat a crappy dinner at a Waffle House, and then find a Motel 6 to spend the night.   

You can check the oil at your leisure, and if it’s time for an oil change, you can spend 30 bucks, or change it yourself whenever you have a free hour or so. 

Or you could foolishly shrug off the warning and then, fifty miles down the road, watch as your car throws shredded bits of overheated engine onto the highway behind it, and then take $6,000 out of your already-shrunken IRA to pay for a new one.

How will you know which road to take?  Not being a car expert, I can’t tell you.  But I suppose the first thing to do is to find out if your car, rental or otherwise, is manufactured by an oily, greedy, and manipulative auto company, and then proceed accordingly. 

That’s the path I’m going to take, even though there might be a chance the guy at the rental place didn’t know what he was talking about.  I’ll soon be in the market for a new car, and will consider a model from the cheesy bastards who manufactured my rental car about the same time I consider eating a bowl of nails for breakfast.

 

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