Activity One:  Make Lamb Stew, Rake Leaves, Eat Lamb Stew

Details:  On late autumn/early winter day of November 12, while wife and daughter are at rehearsal, make from-scratch lamb stew in totally disorganized and improvisational fashion, using no recipe.  Rake wet leaves in front yard, and drag to curb.  Eat stew.

Ingredients: 

Two large lamb chops, salted and broiled until very rare, then cubed
12 tiny potatoes, halved
5 small turnips that have been in refrigerator for month, cubed
5 stalks of celery, chopped
2 large white onions, cut into large chunks
7 carrots, peeled and chopped
7 large bags of wet leaves

1.  Place all ingredients (with exception of wet leaves, which you will rake later; the third of one of lamb chops you’ve already eaten right out of broiler; and the two bones, which you’ve gnawed on like starving coyote and then given to dog to finish job) into crock pot. 

 2.  Wonder if you should have used lamb shoulder, leg of lamb, or “lamb stew meat,” if there is such a thing, instead of lamb chops.  Wonder if lamb chops are effete.  Muse on superior manliness of venison or bear stew.

3.  Wonder if turnips are too old.  Wonder what pioneers ate all winter, hunkered down in sod house in Nebraska.  Think of “O Pioneers,” and “My Antonia,” other Willa Cather novels featuring starving homesteaders.  Decide turnips are okay. 

4.  Add, for some reason you’re not sure of, splash of olive oil to assembled vegetables waiting at bottom of crockpot, and half bottle of cheap red wine, because you never drink red wine and want to get rid of it.  Throw in couple of teaspoons of crushed garlic. 

5.  Take lamb bones away from dog because you’re afraid he’ll choke on them, and place in garbage.  Wonder what dogs in wild do when they’re choking.  Wonder whether Heimlich maneuver can be adapted to dogs.  Wonder if wild dogs have evolved wild version of Heimlich; if not, wonder if dogs have evolved to resist choking on dog bones.  Cease worrying about dog.  Add whatever’s left in bottle of parsley you never use.  Add equal parts white pepper and black pepper to taste, which is to say in excessive amounts.  Salt liberally. 

6.  Uncover crock pot for a while because you think you might have added too much red wine, and wait for some to boil off.  Pluck out a couple of wine-soaked lamb cubes and give to dog to replace bones you stole.  Watch dog carefully for signs of drunkeness.  Wonder how it would be possible to tell. 

7.  Add half teaspoon of sugar to offset overwhelming red wine flavor.  Add few dashes of something you find in cupboard called “Emeril’s Essence” spice mixture to offset sugar, cross fingers it isn’t Cajun spice that will ruin stew. 

8.  Wonder if tarragon is good with lamb stew, shrug, add a few dashes.  Wonder if tarragon can go bad.  Wonder what tarragon is, exactly.  Shrug again, add some more.   Cover and continue to slow-cook. 

9.  Go outside and rake leaves.  Feel virtuous.  Look up at Norway maple and realize it is preparing to dump new load of leaves as soon as you’re finished raking this batch.  Feel discouragement  begin to curdle virtue.  Look at neighbor’s lawns to see how many of them haven’t raked leaves yet.  Feel chagrined to discover that you’re last on block to rake leaves.  Consider possibility that rotting leaves will “fertilize the lawn” and therefore don’t need to be raked.  Weigh this against what is likely to be diametrically opposed opinion of neighbors.  Continue raking until you feel ravenous and a little lightheaded. 

10.  Eat stew.  Wonder why very hard turnips and much softer potatoes seem to have cooked to exactly same consistency.  Note that lamb cubes seem to have disintegrated into thin, but very delicious, shreds.  Overall, decide stew is a little oily, but quite tasty.  Reflect that food always tastes better after outdoor exercise.  Remember that you always think same thing when eating after outdoor exercise, then promptly forget it.  

PLEASURE RATING:  8 OUT OF 10

Activity Two:  Watch Video and Eat Chinese take-out

Details:  On late autumn/early winter evening of November 13, while wife and daughter are at late rehearsal, buy five-dollar DVD that’s been highly recommended by unreliable friend, then watch while eating Chinese take-out. 

Ingredients:

One “taut, tense thriller” that’s “undeniably exciting” and “sexy!” and “scary!”
One order mabu dofu.
One order hot and sour soup.
Two fortune cookies.

1.  Phone in food order to neighborhood Chinese joint you’ve never tried before.  Feel optimistic because you often see chefs at lopsided wooden table in front window, de-stringing big piles of string beans.  Wonder if this is publicity gimmick.  Wonder why they can’t de-string beans in back.

2.  Search for opening in shrink-wrapped plastic cover of DVD.  Find opening, push tip of Bic pen into it, rip plastic off DVD.  Feel minute sense of triumph.

3.  Use same pen to try to split security strip on side of DVD.  Succeed after considerable digging.  Then apply pen to security strip on top of DVD.  Fail miserably.  Consider going to kitchen for steak knife.  Instead, force side and bottom of DVD case open and attempt to extract tantalizingly visible DVD out from open bottom of case.  Succeed eventually, but scratch top of two fingers on edge of case.  Toss case aside.

4.  Get up.  Put DVD in DVD player.  Sit down.  Look for remote.  Fail to find it.  Get up and look for it.  Fail.  Sit down again and look at mail.  Get up again and manually press “Play” button on DVD player.  Sit down again on something hard and lumpy.  Discover remote control under ass.

5.  Try to go directly to “Menu.”  Fail.  Fast forward through first preview.  Fast forward through second preview.  See something interesting in second preview.  Reverse.  Watch second preview.  Fast forward through third preview. Fast forward through fourth preview.  Begin to seethe.  Begin to understand why DVD sales are falling and “On Demand” sales are rising.  Reach Promised Land of “Menu.”  Click “Play.”

6.  Start watching video.  Encounter accountant character who is shy, reserved, and regular in his habits, and who appears to be imitating “Adrian” character in Rocky movies, and predict that within 15 minutes, he will be seduced by beautiful, manipulative woman.

7.  At fifteen-minute mark, shy, reserved and regular-in-his-habits accountant seduced by beautiful, manipulative woman.

8.  Put video on hold, get up from couch, pick up Chinese food from takeout place.

9.  Start video again.  Someone says, “You don’t know what I’m capable of.”  Put video on pause.

10.  Unwrap food, place on coffee table in front of television.  Hot and sour soup pretty good, though not quite hot enough or sour enough.

11.  Restart video.  Begin relaxing after long day. 

12.  DVD begins to skip.  Then plays normally.  Then skips again.  Then plays normally.  Then skips again. 

13.  DVD begins to pixellate and freeze.  Character says, “b…b…b…b…b…b…b…b…b…b…b…b…b…b…b,” etcetera.

14.  Wonder why never-played, albeit discount-priced, DVD straight out of case would skip.  Discover that mabu dofu is way too bland, and gloppy. 

15.  Get up from couch and remove DVD from DVD player.  Hold under light.  Fail to see any scratches or dust.  With little hope, run under tap water.  Wipe with paper towel.

16.  Put video back in.  Try again to go directly to “Menu.”  Fail again.  Fast forward through first preview.  Fast forward through second preview.  Fast forward through third preview.  Seethe.  Fast forward through fourth preview.  Reach Promised Land of “Menu.”  Click “Scene Selection.”

17.  Try several times to find scene where DVD began to skip.  Fail.  Fail.  Fail.  Succeed. 

18.  Discover, with relief and surprise, that water and paper towel technique did trick.  No more skipping.

19.  Someone says, “There’s no going back.”

20.  Someone says, “You’ve got until 6:00 p.m. or you’re a dead man.”

21.  Someone says, “See you in hell.”  Curse unreliable friend.  Mutter under breath, “No, see you in hell.”

22.  Improbably happy ending with audience expected to believe that repressed accountant and beautiful, manipulative woman can not only fall in love with each other but escape punishment for their many crimes, including murder in broad daylight and unauthorized multi-million-dollar electronic funds transfer, and live happily ever after.

23.  Feel relieved that movie is over.  Open one fortune cookie, read pointless and poorly written fortune.  Throw other cookie in garbage.  Place leftover mabu dofu in refrigerator.

PLEASURE RATING:  2 OUT OF 10.

Conclusion:  Remind yourself of what you remind yourself at beginning of every winter:  Alone, or with friends, or with family, and no matter what the weather, it’s always more pleasurable to do something active (sled, shovel snow, rake leaves, make something from scratch, play basketball, go to the movies, take a trip, walk the dog) than to stay indoors, watch a video, watch mindless television programs, surf the web, and eat prepared food, delivery food, or take-out food. 

As soon as it gets really, really cold outside, promptly forget this. 

 

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