Can Democrats and Republicans be friends, real friends?
Paula: I just had a talk with a dear friend of mine who happens to be a Republican. She told me, in tears, that a number of her friends have dropped her because she supports McCain-Palin. They say this is incomprehensible. I seem to be able to accept that she may have another view, even though I don’t share it and can’t understand it particularly. Her gay friend said he saw it as a personal affront and I suppose others have accused her of being racist or plain stupid. Any thoughts on this?
Robert: This is indeed the conundrum of modern bourgeois life, it seems to me. We become close to people with whom we have political and religious differences and yet we’re supposed to get along and I guess for the most part we do in fact get along. So was your friend, the McCain-Palin supporter, surprised by the anger of her friends? Her friends didn’t know she was a Republican before this?
Sometimes people seem to avoid these potentially polarizing conversations and other times they put the disagreement out into the open as in, “Oh, Mary, she’s our one Republican …” And they use that mild teasing to dissipate the tension. I don’t have any close Republican friends. My demographic, I guess, is pretty overwhelmingly Democratic. So what do you make of this?
I’m thinking there is a way to express a strong values disagreement without being nasty. But it’s hard, really hard. I just read a biography of the racist southern Senator James Eastland, who was a long-time head of the Senate Judiciary Committee, until 1978, in fact. Eastland was clearly beyond the pale for any African American, but he had close associates who were liberal Democrats apparently because he was cordial and effective as a Senator. And Jimmy Carter and Mondale endorsed him in 1978 (though he decided not to run for re-election). Maybe because these folks are in the arena of politics, it’s easier to work together … But with friends ….. Wow … What do you say?
Paula: I take issue with your response. It’s one thing to talk about a Republican friend. It’s another to talk about a racist friend. Your slippage in talking about Eastland, calling him racist but implicitly equating him with my Republican friend, seems at the root of the whole problem. You are suggesting that Republican = racist. I don’t think my friend is racist or homophobic — but perhaps her gay friend would say she is. He knew she was a Republican before and was able to overlook this until this election. She had told him that she had been against gay marriage but had decided to support it because he felt so strongly about it and she loved and respected him. Perhaps he was offended that this personal impulse, rather than the principle of the thing, was what was required to change her mind. Or perhaps he saw her differently in light of this election. But the fact is: I’m willing to assume there might be valid reasons — albeit reasons I don’t share or even comprehend — for someone supporting McCain-Palin. You don’t. That divide might even be a divide for us, in some sense, if you follow my drift.
Robert: I brought up James Eastland because I had recently read about him and because he was an extreme figure who still had “friends” who found his views morally repugnant. By the way, I imagine that civil rights for blacks at the time Eastland prevailed was as contentious (and “unclear”) as civil rights for gays is now. It was quite respectable, in some sense, to be a racist in Eastland’s days. He was just an example that I had handy to help think about this subject.
I don’t have any close Republican friends, but I’m not in any way opposed to such friendships. The social circles I travel in are highly liberal and Democratic. And frankly, when I sense a political disagreement of this sort with a friend, I tend to avoid discussing politics with them. It seems inappropriate or destructive and frightening. The loudest arguments I’ve had recently have been with people far to the left of me, including one West Philly guy who basically wanted to equate Republicans to Bin Laden. I told him John Ashcroft was an absolute liberal compared to Bin Laden. He insisted they were the same. Drove me crazy.
Paula: But this is interesting. Even you, one of the most open-minded and curious people I know find talking politics with someone who may disagree to be inappropriate, destructive or frightening. I too avoid talking politics with the friend mentioned above. I have only one Republican friend that I actually talk politics with on a regular basis, though it generally ends with some acrimony. Maybe politics has replaced money as the taboo subject in our culture — unless, of course, we’re talking to people who share the same position. That seems frightening to me.
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In past elections, I could at least overlook the political viewpoints of my liberal acquaintances, but this time around, something has changed.
The liberals I know have gone completely, undeniably around the bend. I can’t stand to be in the same room with them! They are, to a man, spewing the most idiotic, hate-filled, vitriolic rhetoric I have ever heard! They have become a pack of hyenas, snapping at the heels of any creature that is not part of the pack. It is as if they are possessed.
Where we would once have spirited debates over the issues, the candidates and the differences between political parties, today I am forced to deal with screaming, hysterical rants if I dare to broach any subject even peripherally involving the election. I have been threatened physically, and if you have seen my picture, that is quite a step for most of these folks.
I have even had my car vandalized, not once, but twice! Each time, the McCain sticker was torn/scraped off and Obama’s name either spray painted on the vehicle or scratched in to the paint.
What the hell is going on with this election?
I fully expect Obama to win this election, and, frankly, I am afraid of what this angry cult of personality means for the next 4 years.
Who can say which man would be a better choice? I think I prefer a President and a Congress that deeply distrust each other.
I’m afraid my experience has been much the same as Preacher’s (and I’m a Libertarian). I have encountered Obama supporters who have reminded me of nothing so much as members of a strange cult. That’s not his fault, but I sure in hell wouldn’t want people like that supporting me. And they are not the sort whose judgment one is inclined to trust.
I can tell you whether republicans* and democrats* can be friends: Of course they can.
Given that they are members of congress, the senate, or any other part of the government in which disagreement, bickering, and general wastefulness contribute to the guarantee of their longevity.
That’s because there’s an untold truth that doing as little as possible, as slowly as possible, is a great way to hang around for a while. We’re working on it.
Why else are the “debates” limited to these two parties?
That said, no, of course you cannot be friends with people who are not going to vote the way you will. Sure, you can be civil and go under the guise that you get along, differences notwithstanding.
And the reason is simple; generally speaking, it’s like being one of those proud parents who is compelled to flaunt their child’s artistic ability and expect the audience to marvel at how that, if you look at it the right way, the chocolate pudding on the couch looks like a Picasso. That’s not optimism, it’s denial.
*Not sure why I should capitalize these, as I do not capitalize “cats” or “dogs”, or “idiots”.
Ok, I meant house and senate… so sue me.
A normal person cannot be friends with one who is rabidly pro- or anti- one or the other candidate. The key word is “rabidly.” As long as you and your friends agree, in principle, that whoever wins this election, we’re pretty much screwed either way, it doesn’t matter if you vote for different candidates. There are plenty of wackos on McCain’s side as well, and, as Jascha Heifetz said, “No matter what side of an argument you’re on, you always find some people on your side that you wish were on the other side.” Even Christopher Buckley has endorsed Obama, with apologies to his late dad, and he has some observations about Sarah Palin supporters’ assault on a conservative columnist who suggested that Palin as a VP is not a good idea: http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2008-10-10/the-conservative-case-for-obama/
And now Buckley is — uh — “resigned” from the National Review thanks to all those passionate McCain supporters: http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2008-10-14/sorry-dad-i-was-fired
(Which is not to say that I don’t know some Obama supporters who I didn’t wish were on the other side — or on a ledge somewhere.)
yikes- you folks are hard core. I dunno, call me crazy, but I choose my friends by searching out people who are good at being a freind. I’m super liberal ( though maybe not as much as I thought, since I have not become a vandal) and I have three close friends. One is a republican, one a libertarian, and one a swing voter. They are all bright and warm and thoughtful people. Mostly we don’t talk politics at all- which is just fine with me. What happened to the idea that whomever you chose to vote for was your own damn business? I don’t know how much money they make, who they are voting for, or how much they weigh. I have manners! And, I have great friends.
Peach,
I can appreciate your view. Paula and I will say more about having friends from different political perspectives. In one way, there are always political differences between friends. I’m extremely liberal, but my two brothers are significantly to the left of me.
I certainly believe people with opposing political views can be close and wonderful friends.
And I’m glad you have manners. Love that phrase.