Entries Tagged as 'Bob Sullivan’s top ten everything'

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingpolitics & government

Bill O’Reilly’s top ten good things about slavery

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10. When they were building the White House, they were “well fed”

9. They “had decent lodgings provided by the government”

8. Many of them got a free sea cruise before arriving in America

7. They didn’t have to pay income taxes

6. Their cramped overcrowded lodgings encouraged cameraderie

5. Frequently, owners would deign to have sex with them

4. Their situation led to the creation of many deeply moving Negro spirituals; which led to the creation of blues, jazz, and boogie-woogie; which led to the creation of rock and roll

3. Free on-the-job training

2. They got to spend time in our nation’s capital

1. They were finally safe from lions, hyenas, cheetahs and elephants
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingeducation

Top ten signs you’ve chosen a bad college

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10. There’s only one ‘L’ in ‘COLEGE’

9. All the professors are on some sort of work release program

8. The photo on the cover of the campus brochure is a shot of Kim Kardashian’s ass

7. The college insists that you pay your tuition up front, in cash, no large bills

6. When you ask if the college is well endowed, the school president pulls down his zipper

5. The school’s Latin motto is “Non Impediti Ratione Cogitationis” (“Unencumbered by the Thought Process”)

4. Sociology professor + Groucho glasses = Calculus professor

3. The dean is being followed by a crew from 60 Minutes

2. Instead of the S.A.T., you just have to pass a urine test

1. It’s Trump University
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingtelevision

Top ten signs you’re not going to win an Emmy next Sunday night

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10. Your performance has been described as “Sandler-esque”

9. Contestants on Bowling for Dollars aren’t eligible

8. Your show only appeared on YouTube, and starred Mr. Whiskers

7. You were a writer for Hollywood Game Night

6. Your pilot for Law & Order: U.S. Postal Inspection Service never made it to air

5. Your reality show is all about your family-operated business called Duck Commander

4. As a C.S.I. corpse, you were never given the opportunity to show your full range as an actor

3. Donald Trump is somehow involved

2. Outstanding Lead Actor in a Boner Pill Commercial isn’t a category

1. You’re a Kardashian
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

all workBob Sullivan's top ten everything

In honor of Labor Day, top ten worst jobs in the United States

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10. Hillary Clinton’s IT guy

9. Duck Dynasty beard de-tangler

8. Republican fact checker

7. Amish air conditioner repairman

6. Roger Ailes’s lotion boy

5. Apprentice crackwhore

4. Public pool pee monitor

3. Suicide bomber

2. Hooker at Comic-Con 2016

1. Donald Trump’s PR guy
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingtravel & foreign lands

Top ten signs you’ve had a bad summer

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10. The B&B you stayed at evidently stood for ‘bed’ and ‘bugs’

9. What everyone else thought was a sunburn was actually a rash

8. You got a “TRUMP 2016” facial tattoo

7. You were the only person at your resort not wearing a yellow hazmat suit

6. You lost so much blood from mosquito bites, they actually stopped biting you

5. You got kicked out of your luxury hotel because you were lying stark naked on your bed when the maid walked in…finally!

4. You caught crabs at the beach – but not the edible kind

3. You thought the summer camp you were applying to was named after the ancient Egyptian goddess Isis

2. Your eyebrows haven’t grown back since the Fourth of July

1. First name ‘Ryan’, last name ‘Lochte’
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingtravel & foreign lands

Top ten signs your lifeguard is nuts

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10. He won’t give you mouth-to-mouth unless he takes you to dinner first

9. He’s declared himself “King of the Ocean” and sits atop his lifeguard tower wearing an ermine-lined cloak and holding a scepter

8. He has a tendency to throw drowning people the wrong kind of Life Saver, and prefers peppermint

7. Instead of rubbing sunblock on his nose, he uses vanilla pudding

6. He prefers sitting with his back to the ocean

5. He’ll only use his defibrillator to heat his tacos

4. He’s dating his CPR dummy

3. He’s wearing a lifeguard whistle. Period.

2. Whenever someone is drowning, he tries to run towards them in slow motion, because that’s how they run on Baywatch

1. He likes to be buried in the sand up to his neck…headfirst
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingpolitics & government

Top ten Donald Trump nicknames

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10. Tronald Dump

9. Hair Hitler

8. Trumpageddon

7. OranguTAN

6. Darth Hater

5. Our Future Impeached President

4. Der Furor

3. Doll Hands

2. Forrest Trump

1. The Assassination Inciter
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingenvironment & nature

Top ten excuses of Kenneth Crowder, a 41-year-old Melbourne, Florida man arrested for having sex with a tree

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10. “She has the loveliest limbs I’ve ever seen.”

9. “I just felt like being knotty.”

8. “I’ve always had sex with women before, and I thought I’d branch out.”

7. “I myself am a son of a birch.”

6. “Her body is gnarly, man!”

5. “When it comes to romance, I’m a real sap.”

4. “I pine for her every day.”

3. “I’ve asked her to marry me again and again; every year she gets another ring.”

2. “One touch from her and I’m sporting wood.”

1. “Beggars can’t be choosers – though actually I’d prefer a trimmed bush.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingsports

Top ten events rejected for this week’s Summer Olympics in Rio

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10. Sewer Diving

9. Urban Shooting

8. Javelin Catching

7. Defensive Archery

6. Scum Sailing

5. Hockeying a Loogie

4. Zika Dodging

3. Topless Beach Volleyball

2. Pokémon Go Roundup

1. Synchronized Sludge
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingenvironment & nature

Top ten answers to the question “How hot is it?”

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10. “It’s so hot, Siri suggested I drop my cell phone in a glass of iced tea.”

9. “It’s so hot, my water buffalo evaporated.”

8. “It’s so hot, Jehovah’s Witnesses have decided to give telemarketing a try.”

7. “It’s so hot, the Campbell Soup Company is changing its directions to ‘Open, pour, and enjoy!’”

6. “It’s so hot, a Republican actually broke down and admitted Global Warming is real.”

5. “It’s so hot, instead of bread, stores are only selling toast.”

4. “It’s so hot, Hillary Clinton will continue campaigning in her pantsuit…without the pants.”

3. “It’s so hot, in Colorado, Washington, Alaska and Oregon, joints are lighting themselves.”

2. “It’s so hot, I ran into a burning building, just to cool off.”

1. “It’s so hot, Melania Trump actually appreciated the cool reception her plagiarized speech got.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingpolitics & government

Top ten Donald Trump jokes

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10. “I think Donald Trump has said he’s qualified to be President because of his business record. A few days ago, he said, and I quote, ‘I’m going to do for the country what I did for my business.’ So let’s take a look at what he did for his business. He’s written a lot of books about business; they all seem to end at Chapter 11.” — Hillary Clinton

9. “Republicans are blaming President Obama for creating Donald Trump. While others say he was created in a lab when a young real estate developer was bitten by a radioactive douchebag.” — Conan O’Brien

8. “Nearly 70 percent of Americans said a Trump presidency would make them ‘anxious.’ And 30 percent said a Trump presidency would make them ‘Canadian.’” — Conan O’Brien

7. “Donald Trump is America’s back mole. It may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it’s become frighteningly bigger, it’s no longer wise to ignore it.” — John Oliver

6. “In a prepared speech last night, Donald Trump told supporters he is going to ‘take care of our African-American people’ – though I don’t think he should have added ‘once and for all.’” — Seth Meyers

5. “At a rally over the weekend, Donald Trump was surrounded by Secret Service agents after a man tried to rush the stage. The Secret Service said the man was dangerous and disturbed, but they had to protect him anyway. Proving once and for all, the best way to keep everyone safe and sound is to build a wall around Donald Trump.” — Jimmy Fallon

4. “In an interview this morning, Donald Trump said mosques need to be ‘watched and studied’ because he believes they may spread hateful views. In related news, Donald Trump needs to be watched and studied.” — Seth Meyers

3. “Bernie Sanders picked up his fourth union endorsement this week from the Amalgamated Transit Union. Meanwhile, Donald Trump has yet to pick up any union endorsements, but does have several from The Confederacy.” — Seth Meyers

2. “A protester had to be escorted out of a Donald Trump rally last night for yelling, ‘Trump’s a racist.’ The protester was removed because the Trump campaign has that phrase copyrighted.” — Seth Meyers

1. “I’m voting for Hillary, because better the devil you know…than the Actual Devil!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Now that they’re making a beer for dogs, top ten brand names (not counting Air Budweiser)

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10. Crocked Spaniel

9. Spitz Schlitz

8. Bowser Boozer

7. Doberman Pilsner

6. Malt-ese

5. Pug Mug

4. Aledale

3. Coor-gi

2. Here’s Mutt In Your Eye

1. Shit-faced Shih Tzu
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmovies

Top ten X-rated Fourth of July movies

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10. Sin Dependence Day

9. Drop Your Pants and Fire a Rocket!

8. Red, White, and Very Blue

7. Seventeen Seventy-Sex

6. Porn on the Fourth of July

5. Time for Some Fireworks!

4. There’s a Barbecue in My Pants

3. The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!

2. The Fourth of Julie

1. Yank My Doodle! It’s A Dandy!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingbooks & writing

Now that the NRA website includes a family section, with fairy tales rewritten to include firearms, top ten new NRA children’s books

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10. The Cat With The Gat

9. Duck Duck Goose…No Duck!!

8. Goodnight, Moon – Click, Click, BOOM!

7. Bazooka Joe

6. Charlie and the Munitions Factory

5. The Lion, the Witch, and the War Cannon

4. Where the Wild Things Were

3. Cloudy with a Chance of Shrapnel

2. One Fish Two Fish Dead Fish Stew Fish

1. The Wizard of Uzi
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

adviceBob Sullivan's top ten everything

With summer beginning today, top ten signs your house still needs a spring cleaning

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10. When you finally make your bed, you find that missing shoe

9. You wipe your feet on the mat before stepping outside

8. You mistook the dust on the windowsills for “gray snow”

7. Even Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t enter your house

6. When somebody asks, “What died in here?” you give them a list

5. When you looked at your shower drain, at first you thought Cousin Itt had drowned

4. Your Glade Plugin has given up the fight

3. This morning, you had to eat your cereal with a measuring spoon out of a Bundt pan

2. Even your dog refuses to eat off the floor

1. Something keeps closing your refrigerator door…from the inside!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

art & entertainmentBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten things overheard at last night’s Tony Awards

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10. “Look, they got one of the Teletubbies to host!”

9. “I hope they show Laurie Metcalf hobbling Bruce Willis.”

8. “I mean, do they have to use the full title Shuffle Along, or, the Making of the Musical Sensation of 1921 and All That Followed every single time they mention it?”

7. “I only hope I live long enough to be included in that In Memoriam segment.”

6. “I hear they’re preparing another one of those jukebox musicals like Jersey Boys or Mama Mia! called Blame It On the Rain, based on the music of Milli Vanilli.”

5. “So Barbra Streisand was famous for something besides those Fockers movies?”

4. “I’d much prefer King Charles III to King Donald I.”

3. “I thought they already made King Donald I. It’s called American Psycho.”

2. “In what month is thing scheduled to end?”

1. “I was kinda disappointed in Hamilton, but then I thought it was going to be about Margaret Hamilton, who played the Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Ox.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten horses least likely to win next Saturday’s Belmont Stakes

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10. Tripod

9. No Way José

8. Mucilage

7. Parts On Order

6. Save-Your-Money

5. It’s A Grand Old Nag

4. Kevorkian’s Delight

3. Stumblebum

2. Wrong Way Corrigan

1. Bernie Sanders
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingrecipes & food

Top ten things you don’t want to hear at today’s Memorial Day barbecue

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10. “If the smoke from the grill gets to be too much, just crack a window.”

9. “Oh, before you eat that potato salad, would you mind signing this waiver?”

8. “Yes, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness! I’m glad you asked!”

7. “Why do all the burgers have long, thin tails?”

6. “Zip up, Uncle Jesse; that’s not how we put out a barbecue!”

5. “These GMO burgers actually glow in the dark!”

4. “Is coleslaw supposed to move?”

3. “Why does my hotdog have a fingernail?”

2. “The grill’s rusted through. Better light the tire.”

1. “Who put mayo on top of all the buns? Oh, wait…. Who moved the picnic table under the tree?”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingeducation

Top ten signs you have a bad commencement speaker

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10. He advises the females in the auditorium to take Home Economics ’cause “nummers is hard!

9. His claim to fame: he’s the surviving member of Milli Vanilli

8. Her speech is 90 minutes of “Knock Knock” jokes

7. He’s a Goldman Sachs V.P. who claims he can triple your graduation gift money in three months

6. She goes off on a rant about “the great left-wing liberal socialist conspiracy”

5. After applying lipstick to the edges of his thumb and index finger, he lets the entire speech be delivered by ‘Mr. Hand’

4. He’s Obama, just not the Obama

3. He once gave a four-hour TED talk, about Ted Danson

2. He’s wearing his cap, but forgot his gown

1. First name ‘Donald’, last name ‘Trump’
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingeducation

Top ten prom themes for 2016

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10. Moon Over Gitmo

9. Give ’Em Enough Grope

8. Hide Your Flask and Dance!

7. Memories To Last An Evening

6. It’s All Downhill From Here

5. How to Fake an I.D.

4. 100 Seniors Standing Around a Ballroom Texting

3. Fifty Shades of Bunting

2. Abstinence Makes the Fond Grow Harder

1. The Republican National Convention
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Mon-day.

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