Entries Tagged as 'Bob Sullivan’s top ten everything'

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythinggetting older

Top ten Internet dating sites for really old people

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10. Geezer Pleaser

9. Fossil Fun

8. CurmudgeonMingle

7. Oldster

6. Generation X-Lax

5. Depends on Each Other

4. Methuselahs

3. Decrepit Cupid

2. pee-Harmony

1. carbon-dating.com
 
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmovies

Because of the enormous success of superhero movies, top ten movies being superhero-ized

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10. The Naked and the Deadpool

9. Kramer vs. Kramer vs. Superman

8. Dark Knight at the Museum

7. A Justice League of Their Own

6. Kiss of the Spiderman

5. Supergirl Interrupted

4. American History X-Men

3. Scent of a Wonder Woman

2. Daredevil Wears Prada

1. How Stella Got Her Groot Back
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythinghealth & medical

In honor of Halloween, top ten death one-liners

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10. A coffin – that’s the last thing I need.

9. My grandma lives in the past, but in the present she’s dead.

8. I’ll sure be glad when scientists discover a cure for natural causes.

7. The death penalty is killing people who kill people to show people that killing people is wrong.

6. I have some time to kill, but not enough to dispose of the bodies.

5. Halloween is by far the safest day to kill someone and then leave them in a chair on your front porch.

4. Turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire’s heart works even if the guy isn’t a vampire.

3. When I took my items up to the cashier at the spiritualist shop, there was a sign that said “Queue from other side” — so I killed myself.

2. What if the light we see at the end of the tunnel when we die is really just us being pushed out of a vagina into our next life?

1. If you really believe in reincarnation, instead of putting RIP on your tombstone, you should put BRB.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingdrugs & alcohol

Top ten alcohol one-liners

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10. Alcohol, because no good story starts with someone eating a salad.

9. It’s so weird, but it’s a ten-minute walk from my house to the pub, and it’s a two-hour walk from the pub to my house!

8. I don’t wake up, I come to.

7. Childhood is like being drunk: everybody remembers what you did, except you.

6. Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems – but then again, neither does milk.

5. I hate it when you’re making your way home drunk, just minding your own business, and someone steps on your fingers.

4. I don’t drink to forget, I…what was I saying?

3. They say that alcohol kills you slowly, but then, who’s in a hurry?

2. It could be the wine talking, but more likely it’s Joe, the guy I have locked in the wine cellar.

1. I got pulled over for Driving While Intoxicated but, in my defense, I didn’t know I was driving.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten excuses of a German man who had to be rescued by firefighters when he got his penis stuck in the hole of a 5½-pound dumbbell plate at the gym

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10. “I couldn’t afford a Fitbit and thought this would be the next best thing.”

9. “I’m a big fan of ‘pumping’ iron.”

8. “I thought it would be a good way to meet one of those hunky firefighters.”

7. “I made a miscalculation; the 6-pound dumbbell has a bigger hole.”

6. “It’s the male equivalent of Kegels.”

5. “It takes a dumbbell to fuck a dumbbell.”

4. “I’m very nearsighted, and I honestly thought it was a cat.”

3. “I misheard something about the gym being overcrowded, and then something about cramming in a member.”

2. “I was practicing my short-range ring toss.”

1. “Well it had a hole in it, didn’t it?!”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingpolitics & government

Now that Steve Bannon says he may produce a Hollywood Western, top ten suggested titles

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10. The Bad, The Ugly, and the Morally Reprehensible

9. Tombstone (if Obamacare is Repealed)

8. Unforgivable

7. Once Upon a Time in the Moscow Hilton

6. 3:10 Chartered Flight to Yuma

5. The Odious Seven

4. Dances with Nazis

3. The Outlaw Jared Kushner

2. A Shitload of Dollars

1. For A Few Million More
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmovies

After Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, top ten movies being monsterized

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10. The Lion King Kong

9. Django Undead

8. Kramer vs. Kramer vs. Predator

7. Mummy Dearest

6. The Werewolf of Wall Street

5. Jack Creature: Never Go Back

4. Hunchback Mountain

3. The Thing and I

2. My Bigfoot Greek Wedding

1. What About Blob?
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingscience

In honor of the new school year, top ten science one-liners

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10. Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar, and doesn’t.

9. When the bartender told the helium, “We don’t serve noble gases in here,” he didn’t react.

8. After the neutron drank his beer, he asked the bartender for the bill, but the bartender said, “For you, no charge.”

7. When the bartender told the Higgs Boson he had to go to church right away and the Higgs Boson asked why, the bartender said, “Because they can’t have mass without you.”

6. A photon checked into a hotel, and when the porter asked him if he had any luggage, he replied, “No, I’m travelling light.”

5. A student sees Einstein sitting next to him on the train, and asks, “Excuse me, Professor, but does Boston stop at this train?”

4. When the policeman stopped Werner Heisenberg for speeding and told him how fast he was going, Heisenberg responded, “Great! Now I’m lost!

3. Never trust an atom, because they make up everything.

2. The Theory of Relativity says time moves more slowly when you’re with your relatives.

1. They say one day the universe will implode — no matter!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythinglanguage & grammar

In honor of the new school year, top ten grammar one-liners

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10. I need a punctuation mark that’s halfway between a period and an exclamation point, so I can answer texts without sounding bored or insane.

9. I didn’t pay my syntax, so I got a poorly constructed prison sentence.

8. I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks – which was way too literal for me!

7. A girl texted me, “Your adorable,” I texted back, “No, YOU’RE adorable,” and now we’re married – when all I was trying to do was correct her typo.

6. If I had a dollar for every time I leave something unfinished,

5. There’s a fine line between hyphenated words.

4. Sometimes I use phrases that I don’t understand, and vice versa.

3. I seek eloquence, but I’d be satisfied with coherence.

2. I saw a teacher beating a student about the head while screaming, “Die! Die! Die!” so I guess, from now on, that kid will remember what the singular of ‘Dice’ is.

1. If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingpolitics & government

Now that he’s ‘like’d a porn video on Twitter, Ted Cruz’s top ten favorite porn films

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10. Ball the President’s Men

9. Barbara’s Bush

8. Politically Erect

7. Pussy-Graber-in-Chief

6. The Devil in Miss Conway

5. Filibuster Cherry

4. Nazi-jism

3. Nailin’ Palin

2. Cruzin’

1. Deep Pockets
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingeducation

In honor of the new school year, top ten mathematics jokes and riddles

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10. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine.

9. I for one — but that’s Roman numerals for you!

8. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician, who finally worked it out with a pencil?

7. I was quite young when I learned to count, and it was odd at first, even then.

6. When my math teacher told me I was average, I said, “That’s just mean.”

5. I’ll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

4. If I ever get taken in for questioning, I hope there’s no calculus.

3. I heard the government was doing away with Roman numerals, but all I can say is: Not on my watch!

2. A farmer saw that he had 37 cows in his field, but when he rounded them up, he had 40.

1. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a registered six offender.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingeducation

In honor of the new school year, top ten education one-liners

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10. On my first day of school, my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery, so there I was, surrounded by trees and bushes.

9. I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner.

8. In school, I wasn’t so much the class clown as the class trapeze artist, because I was always being suspended.

7. My physics teacher told me I had a lot of potential, just before he pushed me off the roof.

6. When my math teacher asked me if I understood inequalities, I answered, “More or less.”

5. It’s Groundhog Day, but enough about the school lunch menu.

4. The only thing more dangerous than grizzly bears in our schools is Betsy DeVos.

3. When I went to college, my parents threw a going-away party for me, according to their letter.

2. There are certain things about school that you hate at the time, but would pay good money for later in life — like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman.

1. If I’ve learned one thing in life, then the American education system has really let me down.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingpolitics & government

After eight CEOs resigned from Trump’s Manufacturing Council because of his response to Charlottesville, top ten companies that have offered to join

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10. Alt-Right Guard

9. Goebbels ’n Bits

8. White-In Liquid Paper

7. Grey Goose Step Vodka

6. Invading Poland Spring Water

5. Death Campfire Marshmallows

4. MixMaster Race

3. K-K-K-Y Jelly

2. Eva Brawny Towels

1. Reich Krispies
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Now that Amazon is offering audiobooks for dogs, top ten audiobooks for dogs

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10. In Cold Bloodhound

9. Slaughterhouse Canine

8. The Bitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

7. The Hound and the Fury

6. Jane Airedale

5. The Picture of Dorian Greyhound

4. Barkness at Noon

3. The Great Dane Gatsby

2. Love In the Time of Collie

1. The Adventures of Huckleberry Hound
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten one-liners 2: Electric Boogaloo

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10. Preventing childhood obesity is as easy as taking candy from a baby.

9. I don’t know why all the kids call me Quasimodo, but I have a hunch.

8. If I could have dinner with any person living or dead, I’d pick the living one.

7. I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

6. I had to cancel my appointment with the impotency clinic, because something came up.

5. The police recovered my stolen sofa, which was really nice of them because it was looking a bit tatty.

4. Diarrhea must be hereditary, since it runs in your genes.

3. If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

2. My granddad had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the Philadelphia Zoo.

1. My wife may nag me at times, but when she told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmoney

Top ten signs you’re broke

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10. You eat your cereal with a fork, to save on milk.

9. You can’t even afford to pay attention!

8. When someone on the street asks you if you’ve lost your shoe, you reply, “No, I just found one!”

7. You’re so hungry, your roommate is starting to look like a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

6. You attend communion, then go back for seconds.

5. At KFC, you lick other people’s fingers.

4. You’ve completely worn out your couch cushions, hunting for loose change.

3. You recently received a Care package from Ethiopia.

2. When somebody at a party goes on and on about how great Donald Trump is, you can’t afford to put in your two cent’s worth.

1. You receive a letter in the mail telling you that you’ve been pre-denied for a Visa card.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsart & entertainment

Top ten Broadway plays for dogs

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10. The Seven Year Bitch

9. Experiment In Terrier

8. Dog On A Hot Tin Roof

7. Saturday Night Retriever

6. Annie Get Your Gun (Fido Has Rabies)

5. Hello, Collie!

4. Jesus Christ, Pooper-Scooper Star

3. Corgi and Bess

2. The Bark of Mormon

1. Death of a Mailman
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingenvironment & nature

Top ten answers to the question “How hot is it?”

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10. “It’s so hot, Bill Cosby says he kinda wishes he’d been thrown in the ‘cooler’.”

9. “It’s so hot, today I fried an egg…at room temperature.”

8. “It’s so hot, the last guy who asked me ‘Hot enough for ya?’ I was compelled to beat to death with a sockful of nickels.”

7. “It’s so hot, I have a brand on my stomach shaped like a seat belt buckle.”

6. “It’s so hot, in Alaska, California, Colorado, Maine, Massachusetts, Nevada, Oregon, and Washington, joints are lighting themselves.”

5. “It’s so hot, I ran into a burning building, just to cool off.”

4. “It’s so hot, because of their mercury content, people all across the country have been subjected to exploding thermometers and tuna.”

3. “It’s so hot, Satan took out a full page ad in The New York Times, asking for his weather back.”

2. “It’s so hot, two hobbits just walked by and threw a ring in through my window.”

1. “It’s so hot, the last time Trump said global warming was a hoax, his pants caught on fire.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

all workBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten least popular summer jobs

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10. Sidewalk Santa

9. Donald Trump’s communications director

8. Assistant in charge of slathering Chris Christie with tanning lotion

7. Public pool pee monitor

6. Bulletproof vest tester

5. Amish IT guy

4. Door-to-door fidget spinner salesman

3. Suicide bomber

2. Second assistant in charge of slathering Chris Christie with tanning lotion

1. Donald Trump Jr.’s defense attorney
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingtravel & foreign lands

Top ten signs you have a bad travel agent

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10. He asks you what the word ‘itinerary’ means.

9. He recommends insurance that names him as the beneficiary.

8. He’s skeptical that so-called “air travel” is even scientifically possible.

7. He hopes you won’t mind dropping him and his family off at the airport.

6. He insists that ‘Austria’ and ‘Australia’ are just variant spellings for the same city.

5. For the second leg of your journey, from London to Amsterdam, he’s just penciled in “Any way you can get there.”

4. He brags that the very first flight he ever booked was for Amelia Earhart.

3. The “meals included” at the Brussels hotel are just the mints on your pillow.

2. He asks where you want to go, how long you’ll be gone, where you live, and whether or not you have a home security system.

1. He’s booked you on United Airlines, and made arrangements for two sky marshals to personally drag you to your seat..
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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