Entries Tagged as 'Bob Sullivan’s top ten everything'

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythinglanguage & grammar

In honor of the new school year, top ten grammar one-liners

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10. I need a punctuation mark that’s halfway between a period and an exclamation point, so I can answer texts without sounding bored or insane.

9. I didn’t pay my syntax, so I got a poorly constructed prison sentence.

8. I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks – which was way too literal for me!

7. A girl texted me, “Your adorable,” I texted back, “No, YOU’RE adorable,” and now we’re married – when all I was trying to do was correct her typo.

6. If I had a dollar for every time I leave something unfinished,

5. There’s a fine line between hyphenated words.

4. Sometimes I use phrases that I don’t understand, and vice versa.

3. I seek eloquence, but I’d be satisfied with coherence.

2. I saw a teacher beating a student about the head while screaming, “Die! Die! Die!” so I guess, from now on, that kid will remember what the singular of ‘Dice’ is.

1. If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingpolitics & government

Now that he’s ‘like’d a porn video on Twitter, Ted Cruz’s top ten favorite porn films

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10. Ball the President’s Men

9. Barbara’s Bush

8. Politically Erect

7. Pussy-Graber-in-Chief

6. The Devil in Miss Conway

5. Filibuster Cherry

4. Nazi-jism

3. Nailin’ Palin

2. Cruzin’

1. Deep Pockets
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingeducation

In honor of the new school year, top ten mathematics jokes and riddles

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10. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine.

9. I for one — but that’s Roman numerals for you!

8. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician, who finally worked it out with a pencil?

7. I was quite young when I learned to count, and it was odd at first, even then.

6. When my math teacher told me I was average, I said, “That’s just mean.”

5. I’ll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

4. If I ever get taken in for questioning, I hope there’s no calculus.

3. I heard the government was doing away with Roman numerals, but all I can say is: Not on my watch!

2. A farmer saw that he had 37 cows in his field, but when he rounded them up, he had 40.

1. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a registered six offender.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingeducation

In honor of the new school year, top ten education one-liners

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10. On my first day of school, my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery, so there I was, surrounded by trees and bushes.

9. I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner.

8. In school, I wasn’t so much the class clown as the class trapeze artist, because I was always being suspended.

7. My physics teacher told me I had a lot of potential, just before he pushed me off the roof.

6. When my math teacher asked me if I understood inequalities, I answered, “More or less.”

5. It’s Groundhog Day, but enough about the school lunch menu.

4. The only thing more dangerous than grizzly bears in our schools is Betsy DeVos.

3. When I went to college, my parents threw a going-away party for me, according to their letter.

2. There are certain things about school that you hate at the time, but would pay good money for later in life — like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman.

1. If I’ve learned one thing in life, then the American education system has really let me down.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingpolitics & government

After eight CEOs resigned from Trump’s Manufacturing Council because of his response to Charlottesville, top ten companies that have offered to join

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10. Alt-Right Guard

9. Goebbels ’n Bits

8. White-In Liquid Paper

7. Grey Goose Step Vodka

6. Invading Poland Spring Water

5. Death Campfire Marshmallows

4. MixMaster Race

3. K-K-K-Y Jelly

2. Eva Brawny Towels

1. Reich Krispies
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Now that Amazon is offering audiobooks for dogs, top ten audiobooks for dogs

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10. In Cold Bloodhound

9. Slaughterhouse Canine

8. The Bitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

7. The Hound and the Fury

6. Jane Airedale

5. The Picture of Dorian Greyhound

4. Barkness at Noon

3. The Great Dane Gatsby

2. Love In the Time of Collie

1. The Adventures of Huckleberry Hound
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten one-liners 2: Electric Boogaloo

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10. Preventing childhood obesity is as easy as taking candy from a baby.

9. I don’t know why all the kids call me Quasimodo, but I have a hunch.

8. If I could have dinner with any person living or dead, I’d pick the living one.

7. I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

6. I had to cancel my appointment with the impotency clinic, because something came up.

5. The police recovered my stolen sofa, which was really nice of them because it was looking a bit tatty.

4. Diarrhea must be hereditary, since it runs in your genes.

3. If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

2. My granddad had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the Philadelphia Zoo.

1. My wife may nag me at times, but when she told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmoney

Top ten signs you’re broke

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10. You eat your cereal with a fork, to save on milk.

9. You can’t even afford to pay attention!

8. When someone on the street asks you if you’ve lost your shoe, you reply, “No, I just found one!”

7. You’re so hungry, your roommate is starting to look like a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

6. You attend communion, then go back for seconds.

5. At KFC, you lick other people’s fingers.

4. You’ve completely worn out your couch cushions, hunting for loose change.

3. You recently received a Care package from Ethiopia.

2. When somebody at a party goes on and on about how great Donald Trump is, you can’t afford to put in your two cent’s worth.

1. You receive a letter in the mail telling you that you’ve been pre-denied for a Visa card.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsart & entertainment

Top ten Broadway plays for dogs

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10. The Seven Year Bitch

9. Experiment In Terrier

8. Dog On A Hot Tin Roof

7. Saturday Night Retriever

6. Annie Get Your Gun (Fido Has Rabies)

5. Hello, Collie!

4. Jesus Christ, Pooper-Scooper Star

3. Corgi and Bess

2. The Bark of Mormon

1. Death of a Mailman
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingenvironment & nature

Top ten answers to the question “How hot is it?”

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10. “It’s so hot, Bill Cosby says he kinda wishes he’d been thrown in the ‘cooler’.”

9. “It’s so hot, today I fried an egg…at room temperature.”

8. “It’s so hot, the last guy who asked me ‘Hot enough for ya?’ I was compelled to beat to death with a sockful of nickels.”

7. “It’s so hot, I have a brand on my stomach shaped like a seat belt buckle.”

6. “It’s so hot, in Alaska, California, Colorado, Maine, Massachusetts, Nevada, Oregon, and Washington, joints are lighting themselves.”

5. “It’s so hot, I ran into a burning building, just to cool off.”

4. “It’s so hot, because of their mercury content, people all across the country have been subjected to exploding thermometers and tuna.”

3. “It’s so hot, Satan took out a full page ad in The New York Times, asking for his weather back.”

2. “It’s so hot, two hobbits just walked by and threw a ring in through my window.”

1. “It’s so hot, the last time Trump said global warming was a hoax, his pants caught on fire.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

all workBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten least popular summer jobs

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10. Sidewalk Santa

9. Donald Trump’s communications director

8. Assistant in charge of slathering Chris Christie with tanning lotion

7. Public pool pee monitor

6. Bulletproof vest tester

5. Amish IT guy

4. Door-to-door fidget spinner salesman

3. Suicide bomber

2. Second assistant in charge of slathering Chris Christie with tanning lotion

1. Donald Trump Jr.’s defense attorney
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingtravel & foreign lands

Top ten signs you have a bad travel agent

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10. He asks you what the word ‘itinerary’ means.

9. He recommends insurance that names him as the beneficiary.

8. He’s skeptical that so-called “air travel” is even scientifically possible.

7. He hopes you won’t mind dropping him and his family off at the airport.

6. He insists that ‘Austria’ and ‘Australia’ are just variant spellings for the same city.

5. For the second leg of your journey, from London to Amsterdam, he’s just penciled in “Any way you can get there.”

4. He brags that the very first flight he ever booked was for Amelia Earhart.

3. The “meals included” at the Brussels hotel are just the mints on your pillow.

2. He asks where you want to go, how long you’ll be gone, where you live, and whether or not you have a home security system.

1. He’s booked you on United Airlines, and made arrangements for two sky marshals to personally drag you to your seat..
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten things you don’t want to hear at tomorrow’s Fourth of July barbecue

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10. “Hope everybody likes tofu burgers!”

9. “Is my hot dog supposed to have an engagement ring on it?”

8. “Tell Uncle Jerod’s that’s not a flask; it’s lighter fluid.”

7. “Okay, NOBODY LIGHT CIGARETTES OR FIREWORKS NEAR UNCLE JEROD!!!!

6. “Wish somebody had told me this BBQ was BYO!”

5. “Why do all these burgers have long, thin tails?”

4. “Who stuck Yank My Doodle! It’s A Dandy! into the VCR?”

3. “Is coleslaw supposed to move like that?”

2. “Who puts mayo on top of all the buns? Oh, wait…. Whose bright idea was it to put our picnic table directly under this tree?”

1. “Don’t worry about blowing your fingers off with those firecrackers; we’ve still have Ocamacare for at least another twelve hours!”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingtrusted media & news

Now that it has decided to jettison its classic slogan, top ten suggested new slogans for Fox News

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10. “Nobody Fox with the Truth Better than We Do”

9. “Ruining America Since 1996!”

8. “At Fox News, ‘Harass’ Is Two Words”

7. “Proving You Can Be Right and Wrong at the Same Time”

6. “Where Journalism Goes to Die”

5. “Deutschland Über Ailes”

4. “You Can’t Handle the Truth!!”

3. “The Inside Poop, Straight from the Horse’s Ass”

2. “For Fox Sake!”

1. “Unfair and, Especially, Unbalanced”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingbooks & writing

Top ten classics being made into superhero movies

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10. Little Wonder Women

9. Of Human Torch

8. The X-Man Cometh

7. Daredevil and Daniel Webster

6. Kiss of the Spider-Man

5. Doctor Strange and Mr. Hyde

4. Anne of Green Lantern

3. Of Mice And Superman

2. The Naked and the Deadpool

1. The Groot Gatsby
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten dog one-liners

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10. To err is human, to forgive, canine.

9. My wife wanted me to help her start a dog collection, so I gave her a couple of pointers.

8. I’ve had no luck at all trying to teach my dog to dance, because he’s got two left feet.

7. I’m pretty sure that, if dogs could talk, their most common phrase would be, “Are you gonna eat that?”

6. When I took my dog to the flea circus, he stole the show.

5. A German shepherd craps on my lawn every morning, and today he even brought his dog.

4. I tried to teach my dog how to fetch, but he just doesn’t get it.

3. I lost my dog, and I don’t even have collar ID.

2. I went to our local zoo, but all they had was a dog in a cage — it was a Shih Tzu.

1. My dog has been sitting outside in front of the snowman for an hour, just waiting for him to throw one of those twigs.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingsports

Top ten horses least likely to win next Saturday’s Belmont Stakes

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10. Appaloser

9. Not-Very-Thorough-Bred

8. My Little Pony

7. Night Mare

6. Tripod

5. Seattle Stew

4. It’s A Grand Old Nag

3. Feckless Equus

2. Shouting Myself Horse

1. Sean Spicer
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingeducation

Top ten prom themes for 2017

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10. At Least I Can Vote In the Next Election

9. I’ve Had My Fill of Clearasil

8. Give ’Em Enough Grope

7. Hide That Flask and Dance!

6. Journey to the Center of My Pants

5. Goodbye Textbooks! Hello Minimum Wage!

4. Fifty Shades of Bunting

3. 100 Seniors Standing Around a Ballroom Texting

2. Abstinence Makes the Hard Grow Fonder

1. You’re Not In the One Percent, So Why Even Bother
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingpolitics & government

Top ten things Donald Trump said during his commencement speech at Liberty University

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10. “Relish the opportunity to be an outsider. You can be outside of so many things these days: a decent-paying job, the health care system,…”

9. “Betsy DeVos was going to be here to give a commencement speech, but she forgot how to read.”

8. “Liberty University ranks among the greatest institutions of higher learning, right up there with Trump University and Hogsworth.”

7. “I am amazed how many people are here today — there must be fifty or sixty million of you!”

6. “You aren’t going to let other people tell you what you believe, especially when you know that you’re right. You don’t need a lecture from Washington on how to lead your lives. That’s how each and every one of you should lead your life, and I know about this stuff because I’m from Washington.”

5. “Can you keep a secret? Oh, sorry, for a second there I thought you were all Russian.”

4. “Nothing is easier or more pathetic than being a critic. Just ask Little Marco, Lyin’ Ted, or Crooked Hillary.”

3. “I’m really glad to be here today at this phenomenal evangelical Christian university. No Muslims!

2. “Can anybody tell me why the Democrats never get blocked from doing anything? — Why is it always obstruction of just us?”

1. “Today you end one chapter but you are about to begin the greatest adventure of your life. Now you must go forth into the world and turn your hopes and dreams into action. America has always been the land of dreams because America is a nation of true believers. The future belongs to the dreamers, not to the critics. The future belongs to the people who follow their hearts no matter what the critics say because they truly believe in their vision. Carry yourself with dignity and pride. The more people tell you it’s not possible, that it can’t be done, the more you should be absolutely determined to prove them wrong. And always have the courage to be yourself. You have to do what you love. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m feeling a bit bloated, ’cause I just ate about a pound of fortune cookies!”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmusic

Top ten least popular songs at funerals

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10. The Bee Gees’ “Stayin’ Alive”

9. The Three Degrees’ “When Will I See You Again”

8. Wham!’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go”

7. Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive”

6. Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On”

5. Lesley Gore’s “It’s My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To”

4. Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust”

3. Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry Be Happy”

2. Amii Stewart’s “(You Better) Knock On Wood”

1. The Bee Gees’ “How Deep Is Your Love”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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