Entries Tagged as 'Bob Sullivan’s top ten everything'

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingpolitics & government

Top ten reasons this will be my last Top Ten List

10. Scott Stein has done such a remarkable job of creating and maintaining this site, I wouldn’t want to do anything to detract from its excellence.

9. Its premise, as clearly stated in its logo, is that it is “a journal of American culture [or lack thereof]”.

8. I have done my best to reflect American culture [or its lack], and have found it impossible to do so when I am out of the country for extended periods. Its culture [or lack] doesn’t penetrate very far into foreign lands, and it is impossible to really reflect the country’s culture when one is not steeped in the Modern American Zeitgeist.

7. Winston Churchill once said, “Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others.” I totally agree, and when I was young, we actually had a democracy in the U.S.

6. Our democracy has been replaced by a plutocracy (government by the wealthy). The rich keep making more rules to make themselves richer, they get the U.S. involved in foreign wars through false flag operations (Nayirah testimony, Saddam’s WMDs) and the like (Timber Sycamore) because war is profitable and, to pay for the wars thereby lining their own pockets, education is cut, help for poor people is cut, millions are thrown off health care, and virtually everything that can be termed ‘humanitarian’ vanishes. The wage gap keeps growing wider and wider, to unprecedented widths, through such devices as the recently-passed Tax Bill (Ayn-Rand-asshole Paul Ryan’s raison d’être), and the poor and middle class suffer.

5. It’s obvious we don’t have a democracy because the laws never seem to reflect the will of the people, most of who want sensible gun laws, environmental regulations (see Flint, Michigan), campaign finance reform (Citizens United), DACA, net neutrality, enough control over the banks so the country doesn’t have another fiscal meltdown, healthcare that doesn’t bankrupt families, a livable wage, etc., etc.

4. The two-party system is really a one-party system now, each party bowing down to their corporate overlords, and the Democrats would rather see a Republican win than a Liberal or Socialist like Bernie Sanders, while the deck is increasingly stacked against ever creating a third party. The consolidation of media companies means less and less voices, the wealth of the media companies means no dissenting voices (a successful teachers’ strike will get virtually no media coverage because it might give other teachers ideas or, God forbid, encourage unionization), and the spread of the likes of Sinclair Broadcast Group makes sure the talking-point lies make it down to the grass-roots level. Comics like Bill Maher and Stephen Colbert do a great job poking fun at individuals like Trump, but they never really challenge the underlying system, which is diseased at its core.

3. I’ve spent the last 20 years working in education (at Temple University’s Center on Innovations in Learning) and education has become a joke, with Betsy DeVos appointed Secretary of Education, schools crumbling, and students daily facing the possibility of getting shot. Teachers are paid a pitiful salary, some working three jobs and selling blood, and when they try to strike, their opponents get talking points to discredit them from the State Policy Network, funded by the Koch brothers and the Walton Family Foundation. And if a school can’t afford supplies and a teacher decides to step up and buy their students paper and pencils, the teachers used to be able to take a tax deduction — but not under the new Tax Bill, which now lets the One Percenters deduct expenses for their private jets. But then, if you can keep the electorate stupid, they’re easier to lie to and easier to steal from.

2. Trump isn’t the disease; he’s just a symptom. People say he isn’t effective because the Tax Reform Bill is his only accomplishment, but through executive orders gutting environmental regulations and every good thing Obama ever did, horrendous judicial appointees whose effects will be felt for decades, and the appointment of incompetent department heads who were chosen because they loathe what their department does (causing their departments to slowly implode, as their best minds and long-time employees resign in frustration), Trump has actually accomplished quite a lot. Ever since that pathologically-lying unfaithful narcissistic asshat got elected and threw America’s (and the environment’s) deterioration into overdrive, I can’t stand it anymore, so I applied for, and was granted, political asylum by the British Government.

1. By the time this Top Ten drops, I will be living an ocean away, no longer immersed in this toxic Zeitgeist. I wish you all well, I hope Great Britain doesn’t follow America’s lead, and I will miss many of the people in America, including loyal readers, and especially Scott Stein, who I thank for the opportunity for a little spleen venting. I may return if the country can turn itself around — and that’s the biggest ‘if’ since Rudyard Kipling started projecting the titles of his poems onto the night sky over Gotham City.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appeared every Monday since February 2, 2009, up until today.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythinglanguage & grammar

Top ten more syntax one-liners

10. Hyperbole is easily the best word ever!

9. It always seemed to me that quintessential should mean five things that are super important.

8. Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

7. Sometimes life throws you a curveball and you just don’t know enough about baseball to finish the metaphor.

6. If you can’t be positive, just be double negative.

5. My best friend accused me of not understanding irony, which is ironic because we were standing at a bus stop at the time.

4. How dare you incinerate that I don’t know any big words!

3. People who confuse the factual and the metaphorical literally make my head explode!

2. A missing letter can make a word of difference.

1. I knew I was dyslexic when I went to the toga party dressed as a goat.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingdrugs & alcohol

Top ten more alcohol one-liners

10. When I saw the wino in the gutter eating grapes, I was like, “Hey, Bro, you gotta wait!

9. Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

8. You can’t expect me to stick to my New Year’s resolution about giving up drinking, because I was drunk when I made it.

7. The later I get, the drunker it is.

6. Liquor and beer, never fear, but beer and liquor, yadda yadda yadda mugshot.

5. Every time I pour a round of drinks it goes all over the place, so I guess I need glasses.

4. When I say I’m a recovering alcoholic, I don’t mean that I’m giving up alcohol, but that I have a hangover.

3. A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the bartender gives her one.

2. I was so drunk last night that, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bar, I won the dance contest.

1. Hypnotists say they can cure alcoholism merely by implanting a subliminal idea in the drinker’s head, which is a sobering thought.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten more dog one-liners

10. I know my dog thinks he’s man’s best friend, because he keeps trying to borrow money from me.

9. I can’t figure out why my dog races to the door whenever the doorbell rings, because I can’t remember that last time it was actually for him.

8. My new exercise regime is basically retrieving things I’m trying to teach my puppy to fetch.

7. If a police dog is chasing you, try not to dive into a tunnel, then walk the length of a seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire, because they’re trained for that.

6. The one thing my dog and I have in common is that we never want me to go to work.

5. I poured spot remover on my dog, and now he’s gone.

4. I just bought this new product that’s a combination toilet bowl cleaner and dog breath freshener.

3. If you’re longing for the pitter-patter of little feet, get a dog, because they’re cheaper and you get more feet.

2. My dog is half pitbull, half golden retriever, so he’ll bite someone’s arm off and then run for help.

1. Sometimes I get the feeling that dogs are just using us for our thumbs.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingpolitics & government

Top ten revelations in the Stormy Daniels 60 Minutes interview

10. Trump’s hands are so small, he’s able to wear his father’s ring…as a bracelet

9. When his hands are near his penis, his hands look absolutely massive

8. Trump said to Stormy, “You remind me of my daughter….Wanna fuck?”

7. when Stormy asked Trump if he meant ‘Tiffany’, he grimaced and said, “Ewww, that’s sick!

6. Trump’s favorite ’60s pop band is Spanky and Our Gang

5. Trump only fucked Stormy once, if you don’t count the many many times he’s fucked her since his inauguration, owing to the fact that she’s an American citizen

4. Their pseudonyms on the nondisclosure agreement were ‘David Dennison’ and ‘Peggy Peterson’, so it’s “Double D vs. PP”

3. The best thing about the interview was watching Duke lose

2. Trump didn’t wear a condom, though he did wear a thimble

1. The couple in the next room complained to hotel management about all the screaming and moaning — “Donald, I love you! Donald, you’re the best! Donald, you’re so big!” — and then the woman would say something
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingreligion & philosophy

In honor of Easter, top ten favorite Bible quotes

10. “And God created light, and saw that it was good. Then God created man, and saw that it was hilarious.” – Genesis 12:5

9. “As ye sew, so shall ye rip.” – Galatians 6:7

8. “And the Lord said unto John, ‘Come forth, and receive eternal life.’ But John came fifth, and only won a toaster.” – Leviticus 12:18

7. “Then the three disciples went to Mount Olive, but before they could, Popeye swooped in and beat the crap out of them.” – John 3:18

6. “Many are cold, but few are frozen.” – Matthew 22:14

5. “Then Doubting Thomas asked, ‘If we’re all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?’” – Mark 11:16

4. “And God said unto Abraham, ‘Be not mistaken, and doubt not that widescreen is the best.’” – Sony 16:9

3. “Thou shalt not raise thy hand to thy child. It leaves thy groin unprotected.” – Corinthians 9:7

2. “The lion and the lamb shall lie down together, but the lamb won’t get much sleep.” – Deuteronomy 13:3

1. “In the beginning, there was nothing, and God said, ‘Let there be light.’ Then there was still nothing, but now you could see it.” – Genesis 1:1
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten complaints St. Patrick had when he came back on his day

10. Every St. Patrick’s Day, when they dye the Chicago River green, it just looks like pond scum

9. People always making fun of the size of his shillelagh

8. On his day, number of people fraudulently claiming Irishness just to get a kiss

7. Compared to Saint Nicholas’s helpful elves, St. Patrick’s leprechauns are nothing but a bunch of drunken troublemakers

6. After you’ve heard “Top o’ the mornin’ to ya” a few million times, you’d kill for a simple “Hello”

5. Only saint whose name is associated with massive hangovers

4. When St. Patrick’s Day revelers get sick on green beer, they look like Linda Blair

3. The way Trump can’t open his mouth without a big lie falling out

2. Hasn’t had his Blarney Stone kissed in years

1. Snake bites
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingtechnology

Top ten technology one-liners

10. The Internet: Where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents.

9. I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone.

8. My brain just logged me out due to inactivity, and now I can’t remember my password.

7. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

6. I’m at my most insecure when Word asks me if I want to save my changes, and I don’t remember making any.

5. Twitter is worth $4 billion, and that’s just in lost productivity.

4. I pushed too hard against my eardrum with a Q-tip and reset my brain.

3. Whatever my obituary says, I just hope it’s not, “He is survived by his Internet history.”

2. The only thing Google can’t tell you is what you were looking up in the first place.

1. Smartphone owners, that blurred bit just off the edge of the screen is called life.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top nine more riddles and a repeat of an old favorite

10. What did the clock do after it ate?
It went back four seconds.

9. How do you make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.

8. How many great men were born in New York City?
None, just little babies.

7. How do you make a rock float?
Put it in a glass with some ice cream and root beer.

6. What’s the worst thing your wife can say during sex?
“Honey, I’m home!”

5. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anybody can roast beef.

4. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It’s not hard.

3. What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.

2. Did you hear about the guy with the invisible penis?
He came out of nowhere.

1. Why does Donald Trump sleep with a tub of hummus?
Because there’s nothing he LOVES MORE than having a chickpea in his bed.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten more death one-liners

10. Wow, you dress like the Grim Reaper one time and they never let you back into the nursing home!

9. My uncle was so stubborn, when he died he left a won’t.

8. I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil: crematoriums.

7. I used to hate it when my old aunts came up to me after weddings and said, “You’re next,” so I started saying it to them after funerals.

6. On my tombstone I want it to say, “Failed to forward chain letter to five friends.”

5. When a mime passes away, do his fellow mimes observe a moment of talking?

4. When I die, I’d like the word “humble” to be written on my statue.

3. My friend Dave drowned, and for the funeral we got him a wreath shaped like a life preserver, because it’s what he would have wanted.

2. For three days after death, hair and toenails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

1. The easiest job in the world has to be coroner—surgery on dead people—because, even if everything went totally wrong, the worst that could happen is you’d get a pulse!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingpolitics & government

Top ten surprises in Michael Wolff’s book Fire and Fury

10. Donald Trump is deathly afraid of sharks, except for great white sharks, because they’re great, and they’re white

9. Trump’s hair is made entirely of cotton candy

8. According to Stormy Daniels, Donald suffers from a severe case of small cox

7. Trump is so deep in the pocket of Big Business, he eats more lint than cheeseburgers

6. Once a week, Trump has to update Putin on how Putin’s investment is doing

5. Trump once asked how much it would cost to put a mirror on the ceiling of his White House bedroom, where he sleeps alone

4. Trump thinks a plutocracy is ‘a government run by a yellow-orange dog with black ears’

3. Unless you’re a member of the Third Reich, Donald Trump is, in fact, not “the least bigoted person you’ve even met”

2. Once, by accident, Trump told the truth

1. Donald once tried that ‘Bottomless Popcorn Tub’ trick on Ivanka
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingliving poetry

Top ten favorite lines for a Valentine’s Day poem

10. This immigration nightmare still drags on.

9. I’m aching for it finally to be through.

8. I’m yearning for this waiting to be gone.

7. I’m champing at the bit to be with you.

6. To feel the soft embracing of your arms.

5. To sense your heartbeat synchronize with mine.

4. To melt with you, in no uncertain terms.

3. To see your eyes, and marvel how they shine!

2. I hope and pray that we’ll soon reunite,

1. And salvage daylight from this endless night!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingsports

Top ten rejected Winter Olympic events

10. The Don’t-Ask-Don’t-Tell Doubles Luge

9. Snowplowing

8. Russian Doping

7. Bottomless Ski Jump

6. Icicle Toss

5. Nordic Hot Tubbing

4. Ice Hockey Free-For-All

3. Uphill Speed Skiing

2. Synchronized Curling

1. The North-South Korean Demilitarized Zone 100-Meter Sprint
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmusic

Top ten things overheard at last night’s Grammys

10. “Welcome to the 60th Annual Grammys! Our first guest is Lady Gaga – Welcome! And I understand you haven’t met our second guest, the Goo Goo Dolls – Let me introduce you: Gaga, Goo Goo!…Goo Goo, Gaga!”

9. “And have either of you met our next two guests: Kajagoogoo and The Go-Go’s?”

8. “Yes, I’m Vanilla Ice. Now can I show you to your seat?”

7. “Whenever I hear a station that’s all Auto-Tune, I think to myself, ‘I oughto tune to a different station.”

6. “Who was that playing Hillary Clinton?”

5. “Does Seth MacFarlane’s album include that We Saw Your Boobs song from the Oscars?”

4. “I thought Best Comedy Album would go to one of Trump’s speeches.”

3. “I liked Despacito okay, but their English is lousy; I didn’t understand a word!.”

2. “In what month is thing scheduled to end?”

1 “I was hoping, as a joke, Sting would say, “And the Album of the Year goes to…La La Land!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingenvironment & nature

Top ten answers to the question, “How cold is it?”

10. It’s so cold, I saw a line of chickens outside a KFC, waiting for their turn in the deep fryer

9. It’s so cold that I almost want to go to Florida

8. It’s so cold, Starbucks is serving coffee on a stick

7. It’s so cold, the Blue Man Group turned Caucasian-colored

6. It’s so cold that even my balls went inside to get warm

5. It’s so cold, it’s almost as cold as a Koch Brother’s heart — assuming they have one between them

4. It’s so cold, aquariums no longer really need the glass

3. It’s so cold, even your farts have a wind chill factor – it’s fifteen degrees out, but it smells like nine

2. It’s so cold, my aunt slipped on some ice and accidently keyed someone’s Mercedes with her nipple!

1. It’s so cold, Donald Trump is having hookers pee on him just for the warmth!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten pun-liners: The sequel to the sequel

10. When I popped into the bar and tried to open a ‘Transvestite Account,’ the first thing they did was ask me to provide proof of a dress.

9. The people who talked about me behind my back discussed me.

8. My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-cube factory next door, and now the company’s gone into liquidation.

7. When vandals destroyed all the road signs in our town, they really pulled out all the stops!

6. I think the highlight of my life must’ve been reaching the summit on Mount Everest, because it’s all been downhill from there.

5. I entered a swimming contest and won the 100-meter butterfly – but what the hell am I supposed to do with an insect that big?!

4. My hamster died from lack of exercise, so I don’t think he had the wheel to live.

3. Ahhhh, return flights, they really take me back.

2. Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.

1. I miss my umbilical cord, because I grew attached to it.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten pun-liners: The sequel

10. When I asked the stewardess, “Can you telephone from this plane?” she answered, “Sure, this plane is gigantic and has wings!”

9. A customer was rude to me at the McDonald’s where I work, and I got back at him by not putting any Coke in his drink – so just ice was served!

8. After the psychic midget escaped from jail, the headline read “Small Medium At Large”

7. I was taught how to get on an airplane at boarding school.

6. Pilots look up to astronauts as farther figures.

5. I bought a replica fisherman’s knife, made to scale.

4. Ever since I started using volumizer on my hair, the voices in my head have been a lot louder.

3. Yesterday we wanted to eat Italian, but this enormous woman was standing in the restaurant doorway and we couldn’t get pasta.

2. When the clock factory burned down, there was a lot of second-hand smoke.

1. Terrorists have been hiding bombs in cans of alphabet soup and, if one goes off, it could spell disaster.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

My top ten new year’s resolutions

10. I resolve to lose just enough weight so my gut doesn’t jiggle when I brush my teeth

9. I resolve to stop drinking, the moment I pass out or all the booze is gone

8. I resolve to finally find Waldo

7. I resolve to keep my ambitions within reach

6. I resolve to solve world hunger

5. I resolve to email back that Nigerian prince who keeps trying to contact me

4. I resolve to buy a t-shirt that says “LIFE” on it, then stand on a street corner and hand out lemons to passersby

3. I resolve to drive by my gym at least three times a week

2. I resolve to keep all my resolutions to myself this year

1. I resolve to limit my number of resolutions to nine
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

This year’s top ten most dangerous Christmas toys

10. Black & Decker Silly Driller

9. Gasp! – The Saran Wrap Game

8. Hello Kitty Tiki Torches

7. Fontanelle Lawn Darts

6. Hospital Waste Grab Bag

5. The Alt-Right Indoctrination Kit

4. Fisher-Price Choking Hazard

3. Jihad! – The Self-Detonation Game

2. Easy Bake Microwave

1. Baby’s First Nail Gun
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythinghis & hers

Top ten sex one-liners

10. Women fake orgasms to have relationships, and men fake relationships to have orgasms.

9. My grandma told me that, when she was younger, she had to beat men off with a stick – so I guess sex was pretty kinky back then.

8. I’ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman, but I’ve woken up with a few.

7. I’ve just bought myself a sex doll, but I’m not going to use it for a couple days, because I don’t want to seem desperate.

6. Have you ever heard your neighbors having sex and thought to yourself, “Man, if they knew I was under their bed…”?

5. My wife was shocked when she found out I’d switched her vibrator with a taser.

4. My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday, so I guess they misunderstood me when I said, “I wanna watch.”

3. My wife laughed at me when I slipped on a banana peel but, in my defense, I was completely out of condoms.

2. Some people say the guy in my apartment complex who keeps having sex with fruit isn’t so weird, but I think he’s fucking bananas!

1. I organized a threesome last night and, despite a couple no-shows, I still had a great time.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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