10. The television screen was so small, you had to take turns watching
9. Every five minutes, some old guy was yelling, “Where’s Knute Rockne?”
8. You missed most of the first half so the host could tell you all about Scientology
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10. It’s so cold, you have trouble jump-starting your penguin
9. It’s so cold, you’re shivering like Rick Santorum at a Gay Pride parade
8. It’s so cold, when Wall Street investors jumping off buildings hit the sidewalk, they shatter into a million tiny pieces
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10. It’s Larry the Cable Guy’s first dramatic turn
9. Your movie was the basis for the television show “Working It”
8. It stars either Smurfs, gnomes, or chipmunks
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10. Your New Year’s kiss left smudge marks on your mirror
9. Your wife’s resolution was to give up you
8. You recently invested all your money with some Italian guy named Ponzi
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10. You’re a perfect 36: 12, 12, and 12
9. The judges make note of a suspicious bulge under your bathing suit
8. You can’t stop belching
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10. I resolve to finish that pro-Catholic pornographic musical I’ve been working on
9. I resolve to eat my weight in marzipan
8. I resolve to finally find Waldo
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10. So You Think You Can Wassail
9. I Saw Uncle Charlie Kissing Santa Claus
8. The Littlest Angel: You’re Gonna Do What With That Christmas Tree?!
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10. Instead of ‘Naughty’ or ‘Nice’ you’re on his ‘Asshole’ list
9. He leaves a note saying, “You better watch out! You better not cry! You better not shout while I’m torturing you!”
8. He smears reindeer poop all over your drapes
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10. The Home Neutering Kit
9. Miss Piggy’s Big Bag O’ Pork
8. Gasp! – The Dry Cleaner Bag Game
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