Entries Tagged as 'Bob Sullivan’s top ten everything'

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmoney

Top ten signs you’ve hired a bad tax accountant

No Gravatar

10. He does his math calculations in the nude, so he can count to 21

9. It takes him half an hour to figure out his tip at the Hair Cuttery

8. He’s wearing a T-shirt that says, “Audit, Schmaudit!

7. He tells all his clients from Colorado that they can deduct weed as an entertainment expense

6. Every time you question his methods, he grabs himself and says, “Hey, why don’t you deduct this?!

5. He asks you to name him as a dependent

4. Before every number on your tax form, he puts one of those ‘more or less’ squiggly lines

3. When you point out a math error, he says, “Ahhh, five of one, half a dozen of the other.”

2. He claims he spends a lot of time consulting with his own tax advisers: Martini and Rossi

1. He tells you that, because you’re filing a 1040, your tax liability is only 10 dollars and 40 cents
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten signs your home is due for a spring cleaning

No Gravatar

10. You have more burger wrappers than McDonald’s

9. When you move your Christmas tree, you find that missing Halloween pumpkin

8. You wipe your feet on the mat before stepping outside

7. When somebody asks, “What died in here?” you give them a list

6. The Health Department has declared your living room eligible for FEMA funds

5. The odor has that certain ‘flatulent-skunk-in-an-outhouse-getting-a-perm’ mystique

4. Your bathroom has hot and cold running goo

3. Even Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t come inside

2. One of the dust bunnies under your bed just bit you on the ankle

1. Something keeps closing your refrigerator door from the inside
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingtrusted media & news

Bill O’Reilly’s top ten excuses for his embellishments over the years

No Gravatar

10. “I did nothing wrong, just ask my good friend, Brian Williams.”

9. “I co-wrote Killing Jesus, so I’m sure any sins I may have committed are now forgiven.”

8. “I may have repeatedly claimed I was a war correspondent during the Falklands War, even though the closest I got to the Falkland Islands was Buenos Aires, which is 1,200 miles away, but I did witness some student protests there, and that’s kind of a conflict.”

7. “You know what they say: ‘Fool me once, shame on you. Fool the American people, make $16 million a year’.”

6. “In my book Killing Kennedy, I claimed to be in Florida, just outside the door of Russian George de Mohrenschildt, a CIA asset who played some role in the JFK assassination, at the exact moment he was committing suicide by shotgun, when in fact at the time I was in Texas, some 1,300 miles away – but that’s about the same as the distance between Buenos Aires and the Falklands.”

5. “When I said, ‘I saw nuns get shot in the back of the head,’ maybe I should have said, ‘I saw pictures of nuns getting shot in the back of the head,’ but where’s the drama in that?”

4. “You spend years listening to conservative pundits, and then tell me you know the difference between truth and fiction.”

3. “When I said, ‘I’ve seen Irish terrorists kill and maim their fellow citizens in Belfast with bombs,’ again it was only pictures, but they were in full color.”

2. “I did nothing wrong, just ask my good friend, George Washington.”

1. “Fox News is such a blizzard of lies, I just figured a few dandruff flakes of exaggeration would get lost in the storm.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten worst things to hear on a blind date

No Gravatar

10. “Ignore my mom, she comes everywhere with me.”

9. “Would you mind if I put my cellphone on the table? I’m expecting a call from my parole officer.”

8. “Listen, at least you know a stalker is always there for ya.”

7. “You looked so much prettier in your profile pic.”

6. (leaning forward and taking your hand) “Marry me! Please! I’m desperate!”

5. “But, why can’t I use this dollar-off-dinner coupon in combination with my two-for-one coupon?”

4. “Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”

3. “Yes, I’m that Bill Cosby and, no, there’s nothing in your drink.”

2. “Pardon my cough; I think it’s just something I picked up hiking through Liberia.”

1. “Quit looking at the bottoms of your shoes. That’s just how I smell.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingrace & culture

Top ten St. Patrick’s Day blessings

No Gravatar

10. May the road rise up to meet you.

9. May the wind be at your back.

8. May your Facebook friends delete you
                         If they refer to you as a ‘Mick’.

7. May the rain fall soft upon your fields.

6. May you feel like they’re nirvana.

5. May all your fields have massive yields
    If you’re growing marijuana.

4. May you find a place for your willy.

3. May you see the Emerald Land.

2. May your green beer stay quite chilly.

1. And may God hold you in His hand.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingbooks & writing

Inspired by Harper Lee’s sequel to To Kill a Mockingbird, top ten new sequels to classic books

No Gravatar

10. From Eternity Back to Here

9. Catch-23

8. The Wine of Wrath

7. Ulysses 2: Electric Boogaloo

6. The Even Greater Gatsby

5. Slaughterhouse-Six

4. The Wind Blew It Back

3. Portnoy’s Carpal Tunnel

2. 2 Naked 2 Dead

1. A Selfie of the Artist as a Middle-aged Man
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingtrusted media & news

Top ten reasons Charlie Manson’s wedding was called off

No Gravatar

10. Bride-to-be Afton Elaine “Star” Burton refused to get a matching swastika tattoo on her forehead

9. All the voices in Charlie’s head kept screaming at him to call it off

8. The chapel organist didn’t know how to play “Helter Skelter”

7. Manson finally realized, “This bitch must be insane!

6. Nobody was offering Star the opportunity to be in her own ‘non-reality show’

5. Corcoran State Prison officials wouldn’t let Manson invite his family

4. Star decided to postpone the wedding until after the apocalyptic race war leading to Manson’s being chosen Emperor of the World

3. Charlie ate the best man

2. Star realized she was confused – what she really meant to do was marry John Wayne Gacy

1. She finally looked Manson up on Wikipedia
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmovies

Top ten of the Fifty Grays to Shade Your Lover

No Gravatar

There must be fifty grays to shade your lover.

Fifty grays to shade your lover.

10. Just clap on the cuffs, Duff.

9. Buy some new rope, Hope.

8. Tie a tight knot, Scott.

Just listen to me.

7. You must dominate, Kate.

6. Learn how to spank, Hank.

5. Bind him in leather, Heather.

And don’t set him free.

4. Break out the whip, Chip.

3. Slap on the chain, Jane.

You’ll cause him some brain pain,

And do it with glee.

2. Try that new toy, Roy.

1. Remember to bite, Dwight.

I know it’s not quite right.

I’m glad it’s not me!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmovies

Top ten signs you’re not going to win an Academy Award next Sunday

No Gravatar

10. It’s the world’s first pro-Catholic pornographic musical

9. The best acting you did all year was telling your wife that her new dress didn’t make her look fat

8. Your film was called Left Behind – and it should have been

7. It’s the sequel to The Love Guru

6. On the red carpet, instead of asking you who you’re wearing, they ask you why you showed up

5. The opening and closing credits actually meet in the middle

4. In your Biblical epic, the product placement for the iPhone 6 was too distracting

3. You’re Mitt Romney, and therefore can’t win anything

2. The jury at Cannes found you “Guilty as charged”

1. You’re a Black actor or director
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingliving poetry

Top ten favorite lines for a Valentine’s Day poem

No Gravatar

10. I hope and pray to see The Light again,

9. To see the Heaven lurking in our eyes!

8. I’m looking forward to the moment when

7. We share a blinding rapturous surprise!

6. But if we’ve got to wait, then we shall wait!

5. And if it never comes, I say at least

4. I got to spend each day with my soulmate,

3. Amazed at how each day our Love’s increased!

2. I’ve waited for you ever since my birth!

1. To wait with you is Heaven here on Earth!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmusic

Top ten signs you’re not going to win a Grammy next Sunday

No Gravatar

10. Your album All About That Bass is nothing but freshwater fishing tips

9. Your music is considered too sappy for elevators

8. There is no category for Best Kazoo Recording

7. Nobody bought your CD A Whiter Shade of Pale by Boko Haram

6. Your album didn’t go gold or platinum; it went aluminum

5. You’re Mr. Methane, the professional farter

4. The judges are prejudiced against karaoke

3. Every time you put your CD into a CD player, it immediately spits it out again

2. Your record – 37 minutes of silence followed by 3 minutes of applause – is entitled The Best of Marcel Marceau

1. You’re “The Artist Formerly Known as Bobby Goldsboro”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten things overheard at the wedding of Grace Gelder, the first woman in England to marry herself

No Gravatar

10. “When she proposed to herself, I heard at first she played hard to get.”

9. “I’m glad they now allow same-sex marriages here; otherwise, this’d be really difficult to pull off.”

8. “Was there a pre-nup?”

7. “The ring exchange is going to be bloody awkward.”

6. “I know I’m old-fashioned, but does anybody know if the couple saved themself for marriage?”

5. “Did anyone clue in the minister? He looks mighty confused!”

4. “My God! She’s also one of her own bridesmaids!”

3. “And now she’s giving herself away!”

2. “Yay! She even caught the bouquet!”

1. “And now she’s releasing dozens of pigeons wearing tiny little Grace Gelder masks!”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingpolitics & government

Top ten suggested Mitt Romney campaign slogans

No Gravatar

10. Romney: Third Time’s the Charm!

9. “I and my magic underwear will turn this country around!”

8. He Believes In America (Though He Banks In The Caymans)

7. “This time I’ll beat Obama for sure!”

6. Romney: “Let’s make the White House my fifth home!”

5. It’s Time for Rich White Guys to Have Some Power!

4. “Vote for Me, I’m Full of Mitt!”

3. He’s Not As Dumb As He Looks!

2. “Let me rescue you from affordable health care, low unemployment, falling gas prices, and a record high stock market!”

1. “I stand for Truth, Justice,…and a Third Thing!”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten one-liners (the sequel)

No Gravatar

10. I hate people who take things literally – they should leave them where they are.

9. Nowadays, Bill Cosby is spending most of his time on his farm, watching the chickens come home to roost.

8. Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee looks larger and larger the closer it gets, and then it hit me.

7. One of my favorite hobbies is writing “You have no new messages” on a slip of paper, sticking it in a bottle, and throwing it into the ocean.

6. Why do some women feel the need to talk so much – I mean, do they think, “Well, I’m breathing out anyway”?

5. My doctor e-mailed me asking me what my “blod type” was – he actually spelled it B.L.O.D. – so I had to e-mail him back: “Typo.”

4. A new poll about the 2016 election shows that just 27% of voters would be likely to support Chris Christie – and 4% of chairs.

3. I have a button on my microwave that says “STOP TIME,” and I’m assuming it means “TIMER,” but I’m not touching it, just in case.

2. Always remember: In this country, a white policeman who shoots an unarmed black teenager is still considered innocent – until a grand jury finds him innocent.

1. I just bought a ten-gallon bottle of Liquid Paper – Big mistake!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingreligion & philosophy

In light of The Lost Gospel’s claim that Jesus was married, top ten things overheard at Jesus’s and Mary’s wedding

No Gravatar

10. “Who’s going to cut the wedding loaves and fishes?”

9. “At least we can tell our kids their Grandpa attended our wedding; He’s everywhere!

8. “It drives me nuts, all the kids here who can’t take their eyes off their stone tablets.”

7. “No, when you pronounce my first name that way, it makes me sound like a Mexican!”

6. “Today, I’m walking on champagne!

5. “First we raise the dead, then we raise the roof!

4. “Whose bright idea was it for us to get married on December 25th? – Now people will be combining my birthday, Christmas, and my anniversary gifts all in one!”

3. “It would be a miracle if we could keep this a secret for the next 2,000 years.”

2. “Honey, when I look in your eyes, it’s Heaven!

1. “Sweetheart, you do realize that if we do get buried together, I gotta go!”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

adviceBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten axioms to get your New Year off on the right foot (even if that’s your left foot)

No Gravatar

10. Don’t sweat the petty stuff; just pet the sweaty stuff.

9. It’s never too early to start beefing up your obituary.

8. Two rights don’t make a wrong; they make a U-turn.

7. I may be getting old, but I did get to see all the cool bands!

6. We have enough youth; how about a Fountain of Smart?

5. One nation, under surveillance.

4. The best things in life aren’t things.

3. Quantum mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of.

2. All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.

1. (And moving up to Number One – for anyone in a relationship:)
Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythinggames

Top ten most dangerous holiday toys

No Gravatar

10. Hospital Waste Grab Bag

9. Hello Kitty Tiki Torches

8. Miss Piggy’s Big Bag O’ Pork

7. Easy Bake Microwave

6. Baby’s First Choking Hazard

5. Lil’ Devil: The Satan-Worshipping Game

4. The José Canseco Finger Trimmer

3. The ISIS Indoctrination Reader

2. Toddlers & Tiaras‘ Official You’re Never Too Young To Twerk Outfit

1. Mr. Wizard’s Live-Culture Ebola Kit

 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmoney

Top ten least popular mall stores

No Gravatar

10. Big, Tall & Gay

9. Banana Dictatorship

8. Holly of Fredericksburg

7. Organ Donation Shack

6. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Kale

5. Turban Outfitters

4. Abercrombie & Bitch

3. Bed, Bath & Beyoncé

2. Chick-fil-A-Hole

1. Old Merchant Marines

 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingenvironment & nature

Top ten answers to the question, “How cold is it?”

No Gravatar

10. It’s so cold, this morning, the early bird catching the worm had gloves on.

9. It’s so cold, the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.

8. It’s so cold, hitchhikers are holding up pictures of thumbs.

7. It’s so cold, cab drivers are flipping people off with their mittens.

6. It’s so cold, people were contracting Ebola just for the fever.

5. It’s so cold, I chipped a tooth on some broth.

4. It’s so cold, if I had a stick up my butt, it’d be a popsicle.

3. It’s so cold, my aunt slipped on some ice and accidently keyed someone’s Mercedes…with her nipple!

2. It’s so cold, the Blue Man Group turned Caucasian-colored!

1. It’s so cold, Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingrecipes & food

Top ten signs you ate too much on Thanksgiving

No Gravatar

10. You pricked your finger for a blood-sugar test, and cranberry sauce came out

9. You’ve pounded on so much poundage, in one of the shots of earth in the film Interstellar, you are clearly visible

8. It took two EMT guys and the Jaws of Life to get you out of your Barcalounger

7. They took a picture of you after the meal, and it’s still printing

6. Both Ben and Jerry have friended you on Facebook

5. You had so many smashed potatoes, you set off another famine in Ireland

4. You’ve gotten several inquiries from representatives of the Butterball Hall of Fame

3. You ate all the leftovers…before dessert

2. After the meal, you had to loosen the band on your wristwatch

1. When people see you from the rear, for some reason they keep calling you “Kim”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Next Page »