10. Your guidance counselor gave you a booklet on how to operate a fryolator
9. In History Class, you identified Roe v. Wade as “Two ways to cross a stream”
8. On the true/false test, you answered every question “C”
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10. You have more empty takeout containers than P.F. Chang’s
9. You’ve lost three pets to indoor avalanches
8. Your refrigerator mold and your oven mold are caught in a life-and-death struggle
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10. His last name, which is so much fun to Google
9. His views on reproductive rights and pornography, making him unappealing to both women and men
8. The fact that he has evidently fantasized about man-on-dog action
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10. Man o’ Peace
9. It’s A Grand Old Nag
8. No Way José
7. Artificial Hip
6. Save-Your-Money
5. Mucilage
4. Stumblebum
3. Tripod
2. Chris Christie
1. Wrong Way Corrigan
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. “Somebody just now told me that taxes are due every year.”
9. “I was working around the clock trying to revive the Herman Cain campaign.”
8. “I’m deathly afraid of 1040 paper cuts.”
7. “I miss prison.”
6. “Fill out a tax form?! I can’t even program my VCR!”
5. “After I claim all the voices in my head as deductions, it turns out they owe me money!”
4. “I was hoping I could barter for what I owe with sexual favors.”
3. “All my calculations were lost when somebody turned over my Etch A Sketch.”
2. “Being in the top one percent, I thought I was exempt.”
1. “I’m still waiting for this Nigerian prince to e-mail me some money.”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. His last client was Gary Busey
9. It takes him 45 minutes to figure out his tip at the Hair Cuttery
8. He claims bajillion is a real number
7. He promises to visit you in prison
6. When you get a closer look at his ‘calculator’ you realize he’s just playing Angry Birds
5. He says he spend a lot of time consulting with his own tax adviser: Johnnie Walker
4. When you point out a math error, he says, “Ahhh, five of one, half a dozen of the other.”
3. He claims your refund is actually supposed to go to him
2. He does his calculating in the nude, so he can count to 21
1. Before every number on your tax form, he puts one of those ‘more or less’ squiggles
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. The New York Dolls
9. The Philadelphia Cream Cheese
8. The Seattle Frasiers
7. The Boston Beaners
6. The Charlotte Raes
5. The Fort Worth Their Weight In Gold
4. The Phoenix Envy
3. The Major League Assholes
2. The Austin Powers
1. The Corpus Christi Chris Christies
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. All your chocolate is of the ‘baking’ variety
9. Your Easter eggs have little fuses coming out of them
8. The grass he uses in your Easter basket is from the Dog Park
7. He has “F.U.” shaved into the fur on his back
6. He starts each day by egging your car
5. He told you that Santa wasn’t real
4. He says he wants to cut off your foot to carry around for luck
3. He’s always dissin’ your peeps
2. The eggs hidden on your lawn are six feet deep
1. Those ain’t Raisinets
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. The only thing on the resort’s TV was health class videos about STDs
9. Your beach was still covered with oil slicks and tar balls
8. To get into your room, you had to break through some yellow police tape
7. So you could eat, the staff lent you a video of Hillbilly Handfishin’
6. The only alcohol you had was in the Nyquil the resort doctor gave you
5. The package was seven days, three nights
4. What you thought was a mint left on your pillow suddenly crawled away
3. Instead of Puerto Vallarta, you spent the week at the Port Authority
2. The only ‘action’ you got was the speed bumps your taxi ran over
1. Rick Santorum recommended your resort as “a good Christian alternative”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. He doesn’t chase cats so much as amble in their general direction
9. Instead of “Lassie” you’ve decided to call her “Assy”
8. Whenever he plays dead, he can’t get up again
7. He has to eat Lipitor-enhanced Friskies
6. His chew toy is a 12-pound ham
5. You finally realized he isn’t barking “Ruff Ruff Ruff” but “Stuffed Crust Pizza”
4. He spends half his time stuck in the doggie door
3. He answers to the name “Chris Christie”
2. Instead of a GPS chip, you just use Google Earth
1. In the evening, you don’t take your dog for a walk; you take him for a roll
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
