10. For in-flight meals, the main course is whatever birds fly into the engines.
9. Pay toilets and a five-drink minimum.
8. During cold and flu season, all afflicted passengers are entitled to one suck off the communal lozenge.
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10. Instead of freakishly large floppy shoes, the funniest shoes the clowns can afford are size 15
9. The ‘fire eater’ is just some guy chomping on extra spicy chili peppers
8. Their ‘clown’ is a transvestite Lady Gaga impersonator
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10. Order all your martinis “neat”.
9. Make your morning coffee using lawn dew.
8. Only flush on alternate Thursdays.
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10. He insists all rescues be pre-approved
9. He spends the entire day chasing seagulls and shouting to see if he can scare the poop out of them
8. Instead of a whistle, he uses a piano
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10. “Did you catch Hillary’s lace pantsuit?”
9. “Bill and one of the bridesmaids are missing.”
8. “Look! It’s the Salahis!”
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10. “It’s so hot, I just killed a guy for asking, ‘Hot enough for ya?’.”
9. “It’s so hot, Mel Gibson actually appreciates the cold shoulder his ex-girlfriend is giving him.”
8. “It’s so hot, the cows are giving evaporated milk.”
7. “It’s so hot, my car’s GPS lady keeps directing me towards Canada.”
6. “It’s so hot, Amy Winehouse tested positive for Slurpees.”
5. “It’s so hot, the fish are sweating.”
4. “It’s so hot, I saw a squirrel handling his nuts with tongs.”
3. “It’s so hot, President Obama’s motorcade was spotted outside a Dairy Queen.”
2. “It’s so hot, Dick Cheney was caught waterboarding himself.”
1. “It’s so hot, Lindsay Lohan said she was actually looking forward to spending some time in the ‘cooler’.”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Your locker mate in the Minors was Ty Cobb.
9. Your seeing-eye dog won’t stop barking at the catcher.
8. Instead of using pine tar on your bat, you’re using Super Poligrip.
7. You ask the hot dog vendor if he’s got any prunes.
6. You’re older than the hot dogs he’s selling.
5. Instead of a stretch, you opt for the Seventh Inning Nap.
4. After you slide into third, you can’t get up again.
3. When you get to first, you ask the first baseman, “Which way’s second?”
2. You get winded standing up for The National Anthem.
1. After several practice swings in the on-deck circle, you realize what you’re actually swinging is your cane.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. You’re also supposed to wait half an hour after making love.
9. We could be just like that scene out there: buoy meets gull!
8. Okay if I rub this suntan lotion places the sun doesn’t reach?
7. That white stuff on my nose isn’t sunscreen.
6. How would you like to be Hasselhoffed?
5. I’ll show you a pool toy you can play with.
4. Wow! Your body can be used as a flotation device!
3. Help! I’m drowning!…In your eyes!
2. My high chair or yours?
1. Okay if I practice my mouth-to-mouth?
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. The slogan above the entranceway: All Parents Pay Up Front!
9. Every night at midnight, your bunkmate likes to go “pretend berserk” with a steak knife
8. All those late-night lectures about ‘Allah’ and ‘virgins’
7. The only “facility” available is a nearby lake
6. They let you build black snowmen out of tarballs on the local beach
5. All day, all the counselors talk about is how hunky Justin Bieber is
4. The cuisine: possum jerky and RC Cola
3. The Camp’s Indian name translates as ‘Winding Trails and Sheer Cliffs’
2. Each night, two hours of intimately checking each other for ticks
1. The horse they’re dragging you around on isn’t responding
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. You have a mirror strategically placed on the ceiling so you can watch television over the pile of junk between the couch and the t.v.
9. Your bathroom has hot and cold running roaches
8. Is cheese supposed to make noise?
7. Your Christmas tree is still up – from the Reagan Years
6. You’ve given your dust bunnies names
5. After photos of your home were posted online, you started getting Care packages from Haiti
4. When you open the fridge door, the light makes all the food suddenly stop moving
3. You’ve taken up sculpting, building your sculptures from lint and dust
2. BP Oil executives have officially declared your kitchen/bathroom area ‘unsalvageable’
1. Even Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t come inside
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. They gave you a “World’s Greatest Dad” mug, but they crossed out ‘Greatest’ and wrote in ‘Largest.’
9. They’ve sent several anonymous letters to the Arizona legislature concerning your immigration status.
8. They save the term ‘Daddy’ for the FedEx guy.
7. They bought you a toaster and claim it’s “shower safe.”
6. They bought you a recently caught Gulf Coast trout.
5. Their nickname for you is ‘The Sperm Donor’.
4. They tell everyone they’re adopted, and their real dad is a homeless alcoholic.
3. They bought their mother The Big Book of Divorce Attorneys.
2. They keep telling neighborhood gangs you have the ability to catch bullets with your bare hands.
1. For Father’s Day, they gave you a Do-It-Yourself Vasectomy Kit.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Once you start driving a Toyota, you’ll never stop!
9. Look out, we’re comin’ through!
8. Toyota. Moving forward! Whether you want to or not!
7. Click! Vroom! Yikes!
6. Have you driven into a Ford lately?
5. Toyota. Get the Feeling. Of Terror!
4. Accelerating the future!
3. Holy cow, even we had no idea the Prius could do 100!
2. The power of dreams! The reality of nightmares!
1. Give us a break!
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Prelude to a Hangover
9. Fumbling With A Bra Strap
8. The Popular Kids Are Just Better
7. Never Give Up Grope!
6. Not Even McDonald’s is Hiring
5. Almost Legal
4. This Limo Rental Cost More Than My Car
3. Getting Faced!
2. Abstinence Makes the Hard Grow Fonder
1. A Gulf Coast Sludgefest
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. She goes off on a rant about “the great left-wing liberal socialist conspiracy.”
9. His speech begins, “Hello, I’m Glenn Beck…”
8. Her speech is 90 minutes of “Knock Knock” jokes.
7. He’s Obama, just not the Obama.
6. His claim to fame: he’s the surviving member of Milli Vanilli.
5. He advises the females in the auditorium to take Home Economics ’cause “nummers is hard!”
4. He’s a Goldman Sachs V.P. who claims he can triple your graduation gift money in three months.
3. First name: Kate. Last name: Gosselin.
2. After applying lipstick to the edges of his thumb and pointing finger, he lets the entire speech be delivered by Mr. Hand.
1. He’s wearing his cap, but forgot his gown.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. You answered every question on your History final with, “Hey, I wasn’t even alive then!”
9. You’ve been in the eighth grade since the Clinton Administration.
8. Your term paper in music class compared the vocal stylings of Lady Gaga and Alvin and the Chipmunks.
7. Because of new carpeting, you’ve worn all the hair off your knuckles.
6. The only word you learned in Spanish class was “No.”
5. When you tried to sell your textbooks, you were told you might want to hang onto them for a bit longer.
4. On your Geography final, you said the English Channel was the BBC.
3. That stuff you cooked up in Chemistry class attracted six busloads of DEA agents.
2. Your combined score on the SAT: 4.
1. Your teacher suggests you could use that ten bucks for better things than a cap and gown rental.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. “My money’s on Wolfman to win the Palme d’Or.”
9. “I wonder if Tim Burton had any influence in creating that new category, Best Weird Johnny Depp Movie.”
8. “Look, it’s Jabba The Hutt!… Nope, just Kevin Smith.”
7. “I’m confused. I thought all these films were supposed to be about cans.”
6. “I hear that new movie, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, is very derivative.”
5. “Our flight was almost cancelled due to the plume of smoke over Woody Harrelson.”
4. “Is Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience being shown out of competition this year?”
3. “Uh-oh, Woody Allen’s headed for the nude beach!”
2. “I was hoping some Na’vi would show up this year.”
1. “All About Steve– c’est magnifique!
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. The price of sardines should come down, with no need to pack them in oil
9. It makes Katrina seem less severe
8. The British Petroleum backlash should help U.S. gas stations
7. It provides a new topic for New Orleans blues singers
6. It’s good practice for the next oil spill
5. It’s a great sales opportunity for manufacturers of 4-story 100-ton steel-and-concrete domes
4. With all this cleanup practice, there might be a spillover effect on BP gas station restrooms
3. So far, FEMA isn’t involved
2. Free gas for people on the Gulf Coast
1. The oily bird catches the worm
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. “Can we add something that bars volcanic eruptions?”
9. “Is it just me, or is this legislation getting more complex than some of those derivatives?”
8. “Can’t we blame the whole financial crisis on Obama anyway?”
7. “Any chance we could give ourselves some o’ them executive bonuses?”
6. “Can we put in a clause making Republican lap dances tax deductible?”
5. “What would Glenn Beck do?”
4. “Any chance the Chinese might consider the United States ‘too big to fail’?”
3. “How can we drag this out as long as we did health care reform?”
2. “So which lobbyist is making the highest bid today?”
1. “Didn’t they get their name because they have so much gold, Man, they had to put it in sacks?”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Lethargy
9. Yugo
8. Kirstie Alley
7. Elmer’s Extra Sticky
6. Cat Napper
5. One Horse of the Apocalypse
4. Tripod
3. My Little Pony
2. Lackadaisical
1. Snowball in Hell
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. “Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck both claim paying taxes contributes to socialism.”
9. “Wealthy people who are exceptionally good-looking should be exempt.”
8. “On April first, I got an e-mail saying that, as part of the stimulus package, there was a tax moratorium this year.”
7. “Trying to use the Qualified Dividends and Capital Gains Tax Worksheet, I got a severe brain cramp.”
6. “My buddy at the post office said he could backdate my return.”
5. “After I claim all the voices in my head as deductions, it turns out they owe me money!”
4. “This year, in the box labeled ‘For Office Use Only,’ I just plan to write ‘Approved – Send massive refund!’”
3. “Fill out a tax form?! I can’t even get my VCR to stop blinking ‘12:00’!”
2. “My accountant said I could deduct my late fees.”
1. “I just woke up from my New Year’s Eve party.”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. After three of the questions on the tax form, he’s just written “Huh?”
9. It takes him a half hour to figure out his tip at Red Lobster.
8. He tends to whimper and say, “Nummers is hard!”
7. His last client was Nicholas Cage.
6. He swears “umpteen” is a real number.
5. He checks off the box for “joint filing,” then lights one up.
4. He keeps insisting, “No, you’re wrong! They’re due on August 15th!”
3. You notice that his calculator is really a TV remote.
2. After every number on your tax form, he’s written “or so.”
1. He likes to do his calculating in the nude, so he can count up to 21.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. “Ever since Sarah Palin started wearing leather motorcycle jackets and leather skirts, we’re really into S&M.”
9. “We didn’t think we’d get caught.”
8. “Rush Limbaugh told us a guy there could score us some Oxycontin.”
7. “We thought we’d create our own ‘Self-Stimulus Package’.”
6. “We’re just a bunch of rich arrogant jerks, big deal!”
5. “We were only trying to prevent unnecessary layoffs in the Stripper Industry.”
4. “We took a real spanking in 2008, and got to like it.”
3. “Why should Democrats have all the fun?”
2. “We thought the club’s lesbian role play might help us with any ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ legislation.”
1. “Ever since Republican Senator Larry Craig got busted for lewd conduct in an airport’s men’s room, the GOP has been desperately trying to re-establish its ‘hetero cred’.”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Instead of grass in your Easter basket, he uses poison ivy.
9. He claims he’s “as mad as a March hare” at you.
8. No Lindt. Just Hershey’s.
7. You wake up with the head of a baby chick under your blanket.
6. He’s always dissin’ your peeps.
5. He colors all your eggs using lead paint.
4. You get death threats signed simply “E.B.”
3. He hides twelve eggs and three land mines.
2. Instead of a basket, he uses a bedpan.
1. Those aren’t Raisinets.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Your “exclusive beachside accommodations” have a half moon on the door
9. The only alcohol in your hotel is in the mouthwash
8. The “meal plan” is all you can catch with your bare hands
7. The only ‘girls’ you’ve seen all week have unusually large hands and Adam’s apples
6. You’ve spent most of it sitting on the runway waiting for your pilots to sober up
5. The closest thing you’ve gotten to a tan came from some poison ivy you sat in
4. When the travel agent told you you’d get some action, he never once mentioned the word ‘Afghanistan’
3. The guy running the Bungee jump doesn’t know how to subtract
2. The “ocean view” requires you to tune in to Channel 4
1. What you thought was a mint left on your pillow just crawled away
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. “No, that’s my shillelagh, but I’m still glad to see you!”
9. “But I love the taste of Bailey’s Irish Cream!”
8. “Every time I see you, somethin’ starts Dublin in size!”
7. “What’s this I hear about Meredith Baxter practicing her Gaelic?”
6. “Because of you, my Irish thighs are smiling!”
5. “I’ll show you who’s hung like a leprechaun!”
4. “They don’t call me Lord of the Pants for nothing! ”
3. “You’ve made my sham rock hard!”
2. “It’s those two Irish smoothboys: Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick!”
1. “Oooooooooooooooooo! Danny Boy!”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. “Is Sandra Bullock nominated for All About Steve?”
9. “I’m glad they made it ten Best Picture nominees; before, the show never seemed to drag enough.”
8. “Who’s up for Best Boy?”
7. “I’d like to see those District 9 aliens and those Avatar aliens in a steel cage match.”
6. “I thought Mo’Nique was u’Nique.”
5. “They gotta be fixed; I mean, Paul Blart: Mall Cop deserved something!”
4. “I never realized that the Oscar is just chocolate wrapped in tinfoil.”
3. “I hear that Stanley Tucci is all hands.”
2. “Who cares about Best Picture? My favorite is Best Sound Mixing!”
1. “It’s too bad they don’t have televisions on Pandora.”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. It’s a heartwarming story about two senior citizens trying to figure out how to get their cable television to work
9. The actors were told, “Improvise! That way we don’t have to hire any writers”
8. The Motion Picture Association of America rated your film PG for “Particularly Ghastly”
7. It has one or more Transformers in it
6. The opening and closing credits actually meet in the middle
5. It’s called The Love Guru II
4. All the actors are gerbils
3. The iPhone product placements detract from the Biblical setting
2. Instead of 3-D glasses, you’re supposed to wear sleep masks
1. It was directed by Marvin Scorsese
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Snowplowing
9. Speed Typing
8. Bottomless Ski Jump
7. Icicle Toss
6. Octathlon
5. Nordic Hot Tub
4. Ice Hockey Free-For-All
3. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Doubles Luge
2. Snowman Building
1. Ski Curling
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. “I don’t know which I enjoy more, the Pomp or the Circumstance.”
9. “That’s weird: somebody’s replaced the Canadian National Flag with a picture of a leaf!”
8. “I never realized North America contained a country besides the United States.”
7. “I’m really looking forward to that new event, Cross-Country Skating!”
6. “Cripes! I’ve seen more snow on the shoulder of a Head & Shoulders user!”
5. “Rumor has it that one of the male figure skaters might be gay.”
4. “It’s so embarrassing when you just can’t get your torch up!”
3. “What’s the venue for the Freestyle Zamboni?”
2. “Rumor has it that k. d. lang might be gay.”
1. “I didn’t know Georgia was a country now! Did it secede from the Union? Again?”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Although this sonnet be one quatrain short,
9. It’s filled with every drop of Love of mine.
8. It’s filled with all my caring and support.
7. I Love you so, my gorgeous Valentine.
6. I Love the fire burning in your eyes,
5. That melts our flesh eternally together
4. And, like the phoenix, soon enough we rise
3. And soar off starward, one bird of a feather.
2. To see sights that no mortal man has seen,
1. Forever one with my true Love: Maureen.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears (except this week) every Monday.
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