Entries Tagged as 'Bob Sullivan’s top ten everything'

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten pun-liners: The sequel to the sequel

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10. When I popped into the bar and tried to open a ‘Transvestite Account,’ the first thing they did was ask me to provide proof of a dress.

9. The people who talked about me behind my back discussed me.

8. My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-cube factory next door, and now the company’s gone into liquidation.

7. When vandals destroyed all the road signs in our town, they really pulled out all the stops!

6. I think the highlight of my life must’ve been reaching the summit on Mount Everest, because it’s all been downhill from there.

5. I entered a swimming contest and won the 100-meter butterfly – but what the hell am I supposed to do with an insect that big?!

4. My hamster died from lack of exercise, so I don’t think he had the wheel to live.

3. Ahhhh, return flights, they really take me back.

2. Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.

1. I miss my umbilical cord, because I grew attached to it.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten pun-liners: The sequel

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10. When I asked the stewardess, “Can you telephone from this plane?” she answered, “Sure, this plane is gigantic and has wings!”

9. A customer was rude to me at the McDonald’s where I work, and I got back at him by not putting any Coke in his drink – so just ice was served!

8. After the psychic midget escaped from jail, the headline read “Small Medium At Large”

7. I was taught how to get on an airplane at boarding school.

6. Pilots look up to astronauts as farther figures.

5. I bought a replica fisherman’s knife, made to scale.

4. Ever since I started using volumizer on my hair, the voices in my head have been a lot louder.

3. Yesterday we wanted to eat Italian, but this enormous woman was standing in the restaurant doorway and we couldn’t get pasta.

2. When the clock factory burned down, there was a lot of second-hand smoke.

1. Terrorists have been hiding bombs in cans of alphabet soup and, if one goes off, it could spell disaster.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

My top ten new year’s resolutions

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10. I resolve to lose just enough weight so my gut doesn’t jiggle when I brush my teeth

9. I resolve to stop drinking, the moment I pass out or all the booze is gone

8. I resolve to finally find Waldo

7. I resolve to keep my ambitions within reach

6. I resolve to solve world hunger

5. I resolve to email back that Nigerian prince who keeps trying to contact me

4. I resolve to buy a t-shirt that says “LIFE” on it, then stand on a street corner and hand out lemons to passersby

3. I resolve to drive by my gym at least three times a week

2. I resolve to keep all my resolutions to myself this year

1. I resolve to limit my number of resolutions to nine
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

This year’s top ten most dangerous Christmas toys

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10. Black & Decker Silly Driller

9. Gasp! – The Saran Wrap Game

8. Hello Kitty Tiki Torches

7. Fontanelle Lawn Darts

6. Hospital Waste Grab Bag

5. The Alt-Right Indoctrination Kit

4. Fisher-Price Choking Hazard

3. Jihad! – The Self-Detonation Game

2. Easy Bake Microwave

1. Baby’s First Nail Gun
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythinghis & hers

Top ten sex one-liners

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10. Women fake orgasms to have relationships, and men fake relationships to have orgasms.

9. My grandma told me that, when she was younger, she had to beat men off with a stick – so I guess sex was pretty kinky back then.

8. I’ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman, but I’ve woken up with a few.

7. I’ve just bought myself a sex doll, but I’m not going to use it for a couple days, because I don’t want to seem desperate.

6. Have you ever heard your neighbors having sex and thought to yourself, “Man, if they knew I was under their bed…”?

5. My wife was shocked when she found out I’d switched her vibrator with a taser.

4. My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday, so I guess they misunderstood me when I said, “I wanna watch.”

3. My wife laughed at me when I slipped on a banana peel but, in my defense, I was completely out of condoms.

2. Some people say the guy in my apartment complex who keeps having sex with fruit isn’t so weird, but I think he’s fucking bananas!

1. I organized a threesome last night and, despite a couple no-shows, I still had a great time.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingtravel & foreign lands

Top ten suggested wedding gifts for Prince Harry and Meghan Markle

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10. Season tickets to all the home games of the Kansas City Royals

9. A box set of Prince CDs

8. An American–English dictionary

7. An athletic cup to protect the crown jewels

6. A nightie from Queen Victoria’s Secret

5. A gift certificate to Scepters R Us

4. The illusion that the Royal Family still wields some power

3. Something to read on the throne

2. A DVD copy of the 1957 Laurence Olivier–Marilyn Monroe film The Prince and the Showgirl

1. The entire United States, to be accepted on behalf of Harry’s family — we’ll even pay that stupid Tea Tax! — but only if Harry will accept it immediately, before it’s too late!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten driving one-liners

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10. Regular naps prevent aging, especially if you take them while driving.

9. My car’s such a piece of crap that its resale value goes up or down, depending on how much gas is in it.

8. I consider the word ‘Dodge’ on the front of my truck to be fair warning to jaywalkers.

7. Have you ever noticed anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anybody driving faster than you is a maniac.

6. I just got into a car accident while reading a sign telling me to keep my eyes on the road.

5. My new house has a circular driveway, and I can’t get out.

4. Apparently, everyone in my town thinks the saying is, “Don’t think and drive.”

3. Honking endlessly isn’t going to make me drive any faster – stupid geese!

2. I just bought a crappy secondhand car and the only gear that works is ‘Reverse’ – but I’m happy, as long as it gets me from B to A.

1. If you try braking, it will give your driving a bit more 00mph!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

all workBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten work one-liners

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10. I suppose, when asked by a potential employer if I have a criminal record, “Highest number of robberies in an hour” isn’t an appropriate answer.

9. I don’t mind going to work, but it’s the eight hours waiting to go home that annoy me.

8. My boss just put me in charge of obeying him.

7. I wish some of my co-workers weren’t allowed in the break room, because that’s usually who I need a break from.

6. We will continue having meetings every day until I find out why no work is getting done.

5. At work I was running around like a madman: naked, with a chainsaw.

4. Why would I work through lunch, when I don’t even work through work?

3. My boss needs to stop holding secret meetings about my paranoia.

2. Why does my work week always go: MONDAY–TUESDAY–WEDNESDAY–THURSDAY–blink–MONDAY–TUESDAY–WEDNESDAY–THURSDAY–blink?

1. I’ve been sacked from my job, or as I prefer to think of it, I’m on eternity leave.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingrecipes & food

Top ten signs you’ve eaten too much Thanksgiving dinner today

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10. While slicing the pumpkin pie, you cut your finger and gravy comes out

9. Just like one of those turkey thermometers so you can tell when it’s done, your belly button pops out

8. After the meal, you have to loosen the band on your wristwatch

7. NASA is considering a mission to photograph the other side of you

6. A policeman comes up to you and orders you to disperse

5. After dinner, when you get on a plane from New York to Los Angeles, it has to taxi the whole way

4. Both Ben and Jerry friend you on Facebook

3. The super in your building changes the sign in the elevator to read “Maximum Occupancy: 1”

2. You start sweating yams

1. You catch the flesh eating bacteria, and are given 67 years to live
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingdrugs & alcohol

Top ten drug one-liners

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10. I used to do drugs, and I still do, but I used to, too.

9. When the policeman asked me, “How high are you?” I corrected him by saying, “No, it’s ‘Hi, how are you?’.”

8. I said no to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

7. I had to start drug testing all of my employees, just so I’d know who to buy stuff from in the future.

6. My drug dealer drove around slowly for a while, before picking up speed.

5. I took drugs last night with my shoelaces undone, which was a big mistake because I was tripping all night.

4. If a midget smokes weed, does he get medium?

3. When the policeman asked me about all the cannabis growing in my backyard, I suggested, “Someone must have planted it there.”

2. I passed a drug test recently, which was weird, because I don’t remember eating one.

1. Drugs are never the answer, unless the clue is “Narcotics – Five letters.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythinggetting older

Top ten Internet dating sites for really old people

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10. Geezer Pleaser

9. Fossil Fun

8. CurmudgeonMingle

7. Oldster

6. Generation X-Lax

5. Depends on Each Other

4. Methuselahs

3. Decrepit Cupid

2. pee-Harmony

1. carbon-dating.com
 
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmovies

Because of the enormous success of superhero movies, top ten movies being superhero-ized

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10. The Naked and the Deadpool

9. Kramer vs. Kramer vs. Superman

8. Dark Knight at the Museum

7. A Justice League of Their Own

6. Kiss of the Spiderman

5. Supergirl Interrupted

4. American History X-Men

3. Scent of a Wonder Woman

2. Daredevil Wears Prada

1. How Stella Got Her Groot Back
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythinghealth & medical

In honor of Halloween, top ten death one-liners

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10. A coffin – that’s the last thing I need.

9. My grandma lives in the past, but in the present she’s dead.

8. I’ll sure be glad when scientists discover a cure for natural causes.

7. The death penalty is killing people who kill people to show people that killing people is wrong.

6. I have some time to kill, but not enough to dispose of the bodies.

5. Halloween is by far the safest day to kill someone and then leave them in a chair on your front porch.

4. Turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire’s heart works even if the guy isn’t a vampire.

3. When I took my items up to the cashier at the spiritualist shop, there was a sign that said “Queue from other side” — so I killed myself.

2. What if the light we see at the end of the tunnel when we die is really just us being pushed out of a vagina into our next life?

1. If you really believe in reincarnation, instead of putting RIP on your tombstone, you should put BRB.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingdrugs & alcohol

Top ten alcohol one-liners

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10. Alcohol, because no good story starts with someone eating a salad.

9. It’s so weird, but it’s a ten-minute walk from my house to the pub, and it’s a two-hour walk from the pub to my house!

8. I don’t wake up, I come to.

7. Childhood is like being drunk: everybody remembers what you did, except you.

6. Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems – but then again, neither does milk.

5. I hate it when you’re making your way home drunk, just minding your own business, and someone steps on your fingers.

4. I don’t drink to forget, I…what was I saying?

3. They say that alcohol kills you slowly, but then, who’s in a hurry?

2. It could be the wine talking, but more likely it’s Joe, the guy I have locked in the wine cellar.

1. I got pulled over for Driving While Intoxicated but, in my defense, I didn’t know I was driving.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten excuses of a German man who had to be rescued by firefighters when he got his penis stuck in the hole of a 5½-pound dumbbell plate at the gym

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10. “I couldn’t afford a Fitbit and thought this would be the next best thing.”

9. “I’m a big fan of ‘pumping’ iron.”

8. “I thought it would be a good way to meet one of those hunky firefighters.”

7. “I made a miscalculation; the 6-pound dumbbell has a bigger hole.”

6. “It’s the male equivalent of Kegels.”

5. “It takes a dumbbell to fuck a dumbbell.”

4. “I’m very nearsighted, and I honestly thought it was a cat.”

3. “I misheard something about the gym being overcrowded, and then something about cramming in a member.”

2. “I was practicing my short-range ring toss.”

1. “Well it had a hole in it, didn’t it?!”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingpolitics & government

Now that Steve Bannon says he may produce a Hollywood Western, top ten suggested titles

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10. The Bad, The Ugly, and the Morally Reprehensible

9. Tombstone (if Obamacare is Repealed)

8. Unforgivable

7. Once Upon a Time in the Moscow Hilton

6. 3:10 Chartered Flight to Yuma

5. The Odious Seven

4. Dances with Nazis

3. The Outlaw Jared Kushner

2. A Shitload of Dollars

1. For A Few Million More
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmovies

After Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, top ten movies being monsterized

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10. The Lion King Kong

9. Django Undead

8. Kramer vs. Kramer vs. Predator

7. Mummy Dearest

6. The Werewolf of Wall Street

5. Jack Creature: Never Go Back

4. Hunchback Mountain

3. The Thing and I

2. My Bigfoot Greek Wedding

1. What About Blob?
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingscience

In honor of the new school year, top ten science one-liners

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10. Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar, and doesn’t.

9. When the bartender told the helium, “We don’t serve noble gases in here,” he didn’t react.

8. After the neutron drank his beer, he asked the bartender for the bill, but the bartender said, “For you, no charge.”

7. When the bartender told the Higgs Boson he had to go to church right away and the Higgs Boson asked why, the bartender said, “Because they can’t have mass without you.”

6. A photon checked into a hotel, and when the porter asked him if he had any luggage, he replied, “No, I’m travelling light.”

5. A student sees Einstein sitting next to him on the train, and asks, “Excuse me, Professor, but does Boston stop at this train?”

4. When the policeman stopped Werner Heisenberg for speeding and told him how fast he was going, Heisenberg responded, “Great! Now I’m lost!

3. Never trust an atom, because they make up everything.

2. The Theory of Relativity says time moves more slowly when you’re with your relatives.

1. They say one day the universe will implode — no matter!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythinglanguage & grammar

In honor of the new school year, top ten grammar one-liners

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10. I need a punctuation mark that’s halfway between a period and an exclamation point, so I can answer texts without sounding bored or insane.

9. I didn’t pay my syntax, so I got a poorly constructed prison sentence.

8. I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks – which was way too literal for me!

7. A girl texted me, “Your adorable,” I texted back, “No, YOU’RE adorable,” and now we’re married – when all I was trying to do was correct her typo.

6. If I had a dollar for every time I leave something unfinished,

5. There’s a fine line between hyphenated words.

4. Sometimes I use phrases that I don’t understand, and vice versa.

3. I seek eloquence, but I’d be satisfied with coherence.

2. I saw a teacher beating a student about the head while screaming, “Die! Die! Die!” so I guess, from now on, that kid will remember what the singular of ‘Dice’ is.

1. If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingpolitics & government

Now that he’s ‘like’d a porn video on Twitter, Ted Cruz’s top ten favorite porn films

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10. Ball the President’s Men

9. Barbara’s Bush

8. Politically Erect

7. Pussy-Graber-in-Chief

6. The Devil in Miss Conway

5. Filibuster Cherry

4. Nazi-jism

3. Nailin’ Palin

2. Cruzin’

1. Deep Pockets
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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