Entries Tagged as 'Bob Sullivan’s top ten everything'

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingpolitics & government

Top ten Donald Trump jokes

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10. “I think Donald Trump has said he’s qualified to be President because of his business record. A few days ago, he said, and I quote, ‘I’m going to do for the country what I did for my business.’ So let’s take a look at what he did for his business. He’s written a lot of books about business; they all seem to end at Chapter 11.” — Hillary Clinton

9. “Republicans are blaming President Obama for creating Donald Trump. While others say he was created in a lab when a young real estate developer was bitten by a radioactive douchebag.” — Conan O’Brien

8. “Nearly 70 percent of Americans said a Trump presidency would make them ‘anxious.’ And 30 percent said a Trump presidency would make them ‘Canadian.’” — Conan O’Brien

7. “Donald Trump is America’s back mole. It may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it’s become frighteningly bigger, it’s no longer wise to ignore it.” — John Oliver

6. “In a prepared speech last night, Donald Trump told supporters he is going to ‘take care of our African-American people’ – though I don’t think he should have added ‘once and for all.’” — Seth Meyers

5. “At a rally over the weekend, Donald Trump was surrounded by Secret Service agents after a man tried to rush the stage. The Secret Service said the man was dangerous and disturbed, but they had to protect him anyway. Proving once and for all, the best way to keep everyone safe and sound is to build a wall around Donald Trump.” — Jimmy Fallon

4. “In an interview this morning, Donald Trump said mosques need to be ‘watched and studied’ because he believes they may spread hateful views. In related news, Donald Trump needs to be watched and studied.” — Seth Meyers

3. “Bernie Sanders picked up his fourth union endorsement this week from the Amalgamated Transit Union. Meanwhile, Donald Trump has yet to pick up any union endorsements, but does have several from The Confederacy.” — Seth Meyers

2. “A protester had to be escorted out of a Donald Trump rally last night for yelling, ‘Trump’s a racist.’ The protester was removed because the Trump campaign has that phrase copyrighted.” — Seth Meyers

1. “I’m voting for Hillary, because better the devil you know…than the Actual Devil!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Now that they’re making a beer for dogs, top ten brand names (not counting Air Budweiser)

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10. Crocked Spaniel

9. Spitz Schlitz

8. Bowser Boozer

7. Doberman Pilsner

6. Malt-ese

5. Pug Mug

4. Aledale

3. Coor-gi

2. Here’s Mutt In Your Eye

1. Shit-faced Shih Tzu
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmovies

Top ten X-rated Fourth of July movies

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10. Sin Dependence Day

9. Drop Your Pants and Fire a Rocket!

8. Red, White, and Very Blue

7. Seventeen Seventy-Sex

6. Porn on the Fourth of July

5. Time for Some Fireworks!

4. There’s a Barbecue in My Pants

3. The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!

2. The Fourth of Julie

1. Yank My Doodle! It’s A Dandy!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingbooks & writing

Now that the NRA website includes a family section, with fairy tales rewritten to include firearms, top ten new NRA children’s books

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10. The Cat With The Gat

9. Duck Duck Goose…No Duck!!

8. Goodnight, Moon – Click, Click, BOOM!

7. Bazooka Joe

6. Charlie and the Munitions Factory

5. The Lion, the Witch, and the War Cannon

4. Where the Wild Things Were

3. Cloudy with a Chance of Shrapnel

2. One Fish Two Fish Dead Fish Stew Fish

1. The Wizard of Uzi
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

adviceBob Sullivan's top ten everything

With summer beginning today, top ten signs your house still needs a spring cleaning

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10. When you finally make your bed, you find that missing shoe

9. You wipe your feet on the mat before stepping outside

8. You mistook the dust on the windowsills for “gray snow”

7. Even Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t enter your house

6. When somebody asks, “What died in here?” you give them a list

5. When you looked at your shower drain, at first you thought Cousin Itt had drowned

4. Your Glade Plugin has given up the fight

3. This morning, you had to eat your cereal with a measuring spoon out of a Bundt pan

2. Even your dog refuses to eat off the floor

1. Something keeps closing your refrigerator door…from the inside!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

art & entertainmentBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten things overheard at last night’s Tony Awards

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10. “Look, they got one of the Teletubbies to host!”

9. “I hope they show Laurie Metcalf hobbling Bruce Willis.”

8. “I mean, do they have to use the full title Shuffle Along, or, the Making of the Musical Sensation of 1921 and All That Followed every single time they mention it?”

7. “I only hope I live long enough to be included in that In Memoriam segment.”

6. “I hear they’re preparing another one of those jukebox musicals like Jersey Boys or Mama Mia! called Blame It On the Rain, based on the music of Milli Vanilli.”

5. “So Barbra Streisand was famous for something besides those Fockers movies?”

4. “I’d much prefer King Charles III to King Donald I.”

3. “I thought they already made King Donald I. It’s called American Psycho.”

2. “In what month is thing scheduled to end?”

1. “I was kinda disappointed in Hamilton, but then I thought it was going to be about Margaret Hamilton, who played the Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Ox.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten horses least likely to win next Saturday’s Belmont Stakes

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10. Tripod

9. No Way José

8. Mucilage

7. Parts On Order

6. Save-Your-Money

5. It’s A Grand Old Nag

4. Kevorkian’s Delight

3. Stumblebum

2. Wrong Way Corrigan

1. Bernie Sanders
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingrecipes & food

Top ten things you don’t want to hear at today’s Memorial Day barbecue

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10. “If the smoke from the grill gets to be too much, just crack a window.”

9. “Oh, before you eat that potato salad, would you mind signing this waiver?”

8. “Yes, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness! I’m glad you asked!”

7. “Why do all the burgers have long, thin tails?”

6. “Zip up, Uncle Jesse; that’s not how we put out a barbecue!”

5. “These GMO burgers actually glow in the dark!”

4. “Is coleslaw supposed to move?”

3. “Why does my hotdog have a fingernail?”

2. “The grill’s rusted through. Better light the tire.”

1. “Who put mayo on top of all the buns? Oh, wait…. Who moved the picnic table under the tree?”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingeducation

Top ten signs you have a bad commencement speaker

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10. He advises the females in the auditorium to take Home Economics ’cause “nummers is hard!

9. His claim to fame: he’s the surviving member of Milli Vanilli

8. Her speech is 90 minutes of “Knock Knock” jokes

7. He’s a Goldman Sachs V.P. who claims he can triple your graduation gift money in three months

6. She goes off on a rant about “the great left-wing liberal socialist conspiracy”

5. After applying lipstick to the edges of his thumb and index finger, he lets the entire speech be delivered by ‘Mr. Hand’

4. He’s Obama, just not the Obama

3. He once gave a four-hour TED talk, about Ted Danson

2. He’s wearing his cap, but forgot his gown

1. First name ‘Donald’, last name ‘Trump’
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingeducation

Top ten prom themes for 2016

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10. Moon Over Gitmo

9. Give ’Em Enough Grope

8. Hide Your Flask and Dance!

7. Memories To Last An Evening

6. It’s All Downhill From Here

5. How to Fake an I.D.

4. 100 Seniors Standing Around a Ballroom Texting

3. Fifty Shades of Bunting

2. Abstinence Makes the Fond Grow Harder

1. The Republican National Convention
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Mon-day.

art & entertainmentBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Given the incredible success of animal movies like The Jungle Book and Zootopia, top ten planned movie remakes

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10. The Dogfather

9. Raiders of the Lost Shark

8. From Deer to Eternity

7. Deep Goat

6. The Manatee from U.N.C.L.E.

5. Not Without My Otter

4. The Karate Squid

3. Pig Trouble In Little China

2. The Bad News Grizzlies

1. Ferret Bueller’s Day Off
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingfamily & parenting

Top ten things you don’t want to hear on Mother’s Day

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10. “Today is Mother’s Day?!”

9. “What do you mean, ‘What is it?’ – It’s a nose hair trimmer!”

8. “Uncle Dad knows about us!”

7. “I’m taking you out to dinner, but we have to hurry; this coupon is only good until six.”

6. “Great news! We’re placing you in a home!”

5. “Here are all the ingredients for a great Mother’s Day dinner. All you have to do is cook it!”

4. “‘Love’ is too strong a word, but I certainly don’t loathe you!”

3. “Of course these flowers aren’t stolen from a funeral home. That banner just means, when you go to bed tonight, I hope you rest peacefully.”

2. “Here’s your gift, Mom: it’s a DVD of Oedipus Rex –- you sexy thing you!”

1. “I don’t know how to break this to you. You think you’re my birth mother, but I was actually adopted.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmovies

Top ten signs Harrison Ford is too old to star in the fifth Indiana Jones movie

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10. He’s older than some of the relics he’s looking for

9. His fedora now has a chin strap

8. He’s going to carry a whip in one hand and a walking stick in the other

7. It opens with him trying to outrun a runaway shopping cart

6. In the second sequence, he comes across a jewel-encrusted hip replacement

5. There’s a fight to the death atop a Rascal scooter

4. They’re changing his name to Indiana Groans

3. They’re thinking of calling the film Raiders of the Lost Keys

2. Or Indiana Jones and the Temple of Coumadin

1. Or Indiana Jones and the…Wait, What Was I Searching For?
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmoney

Top ten signs you’re using a bad tax preparer

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10. It takes him 45 minutes to figure out his tip at the Bonefish Grill

9. When you point out a math error, he says, “Ahhh, five of one, half a dozen of the other.”

8. He claims bajillion is a real number

7. Instead of the IRS, he sends your completed tax return to the IRA

6. While filling out your taxes, he’s continually mumbling, “Nummers is hard!

5. On his own tax return, he’s claiming “Johnnie Walker” as a dependent

4. He checks off the box for “joint filing,” then lights one up

3. Before every number on your tax form, he puts one of those ‘more or less’ squiggles

2. He does his math calculations in the nude, so he can count to 21

1. His “diploma” in Accounting is from Trump University
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingpolitics & government

Top ten things Donald Trump has to say about the person he loves the most

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10. “I say not in a braggadocious way: I’ve made billions of billions of dollars making deals all over the world.”

9. “Nobody knows the system better than me.”

8. “I would build a great wall, and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me.”

7. “Nobody would be tougher on ISIS than Donald Trump.”

6. “I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created.”

5. “Nobody respects women more than I do.”

4. “I could be more presidential than anybody.”

3. “There’s nobody bigger or better at the military than I am.”

2. [when asked who he speaks with consistently about foreign policy] “I’m speaking with myself, number one, because I have a very good brain and I’ve said a lot of things.”

1. “Nobody loves The Bible more than I do.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingdrugs & alcohol

Now that Dos Equis is retiring The Most Interesting Man In The World, top ten favorite facts about him

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10. He has won the lifetime achievement award…twice

9. If opportunity knocks, and he’s not at home, opportunity waits

8. Once he ran a marathon because it was “on the way”

7. He can speak Russian…in French

6. He once won a staring contest with his own reflection

5. He lives vicariously through himself

4. He bowls overhand

3. Even his tree houses have fully finished basements

2. Once, while sailing around the world, he discovered a shortcut

1. When a tree falls in a forest and no one is there, he hears it
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingpolitics & government

Top ten Donald Trump epic fails

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10. Trump Steak. On March 8, 2016, Donald Trump arranged a display table covered with steaks, bottles of wine and water, and a magazine, to show just a few of his many successes, countering what Mitt Romney had said about his businesses. But nowadays, there is no such thing as Trump Steak. There used to be, in 2007, when they were sold through the Sharper Image catalogue, but they were discontinued because, according to Sharper Image’s then CEO, “We literally sold almost no steaks.” Ironically, the steaks on his table bore the logo “Bush Brothers.”

9. Trump Wine and Trump Water. Despite his assurance at his press conference that Trump Wine is “the largest winery on the East Coast, I own it 100% – no mortgage, no debt – you can all check, you have to go check the record, folks – in fact, the press, I’m asking you please check,” when the press checked, they found the website for Trump Wine stated, “Trump Winery is a registered trade name of Eric Trump Wine Manufacturing LLC, which is not owned, managed or affiliated with Donald J. Trump, The Trump Organization or any of their affiliates.” The bottled water is nothing more than generic water with Trump’s name slapped on it.

8. Trump World Magazine. This magazine, which came out four times a year beginning in 2007, was never a big money maker, and its publisher, Niche Media, pulled the plug in 2009. What he held up was an annual brochure called The Jewel of Palm Beach that promotes some of his properties.
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Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingpolitics & government

Now that penis size has become an issue in the current Presidential race (thanks to Mark Rubio and Donald Trump), top ten nicknames for Presidential penises

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10. President Abraham Lincoln: The Rail Splitter

9. President George W. Bush: My Weapon of Mass Destruction

8. President George H. W. Bush: The Idiot Producer

7. President Jimmy Carter: Peanut

6. President Bill Clinton: The Troublemaker

5. President Harry S. Truman: The Fuck Stops Here

4. President Ronald Reagan: The Big Gipper

3. President Theodore Roosevelt: The Rough Rider

2. President Lyndon Johnson: Johnson’s Johnson

1. President Richard M. Nixon: Tricky Dick
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

St. Patrick’s top ten complaints

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10. Every St. Patrick’s Day, when they dye the Chicago River green, it just looks like pond scum

9. People always making fun of the size of his shillelagh

8. Still awaiting remake of Darby O’Gill and the Little People

7. On his day, number of people fraudulently claiming Irishness just to get a kiss

6. Compared to Saint Nicholas’s helpful elves, St. Patrick’s leprechauns are nothing but a bunch of drunken troublemakers

5. After you’ve heard “Top o’ the mornin’ to ya” a few million times, you’d kill for a simple “Hello”

4. Only saint whose name is associated with massive hangovers

3. When St. Patrick’s Day revelers get sick on green beer, they look like Linda Blair

2. Hasn’t had his Blarney Stone kissed in years

1. Snake bites
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingpolitics & government

Top ten Donald Trump contradictions

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10. (in his 2000 book The America We Deserve) “I support the ban on assault weapons and I support a slightly longer waiting period to purchase a gun.”

9. (in 2015) “We have a lot of people that are killed by guns, but I’m a big Second Amendment person. You know when the prisoners escaped up in New York, which was a tragedy in itself, people who were against guns said, ‘Thank God we have guns.’ I don’t want to do anything to violate the Second Amendment. To me the Second Amendment is very important.”

8. (in 1990, re the war on drugs) “You have to legalize drugs to win that war. You have to take the profit away from these drug czars.”

7. (in 2015, when asked if legalizing marijuana in Colorado was a good or bad experiment) “I say it’s bad. Medical marijuana is another thing, but I think it’s bad, and I feel strongly about that.”

6. (in 1999, on Meet the Press) “Look, I’m very pro-choice. I hate the concept of abortion. I hate it. I hate everything it stands for. I cringe when I listen to people debating the subject, but you still — I just believe in choice. Again, it might have a little to do with a New York background, because there are some different attitudes in different parts of the country … but again, I am strongly for choice, and yet I hate the concept of abortion. I am pro-choice in every respect, but I just hate it.”

5. (on Laura Ingram’s radio show in 2011) “Who said I’m pro-choice? Look, I’m pro-life. I’ve said it. I’m very strong there. And, I’m strong on pro-life.”

4. (in 1991, when Ku Klux Klan grand wizard David Duke ran for governor of Louisiana and got 55% of the White vote) “I hate seeing what it represents, but I guess it just shows there’s a lot of hostility in this country. There’s a tremendous amount of hostility in the United States.”

3. (in 2000, when Trump said he wouldn’t seek the Reform Party nomination because he felt the party was self-destructing) “Well, you’ve got David Duke just joined – a bigot, a racist, a problem. I mean, this is not exactly the people you want in your party.”

2. (in a 2000 press release) “The Reform Party now includes a Klansman, Mr. Duke, a neo-Nazi, Mr. Buchanan, and a communist, Ms. Fulani. This is not company I wish to keep.”

1. (when asked, on February 28, 2016, to say he didn’t want the vote of David Duke or other White supremacists) “Well, just so you understand: I don’t know anything about David Duke, okay? I don’t know what you’re even talking about with White supremacy or White supremacists, so I don’t know….I know nothing about David Duke. I know nothing about White supremacists, and so you’re asking me a question that I’m supposed to be talking about people that I know nothing about….Honestly, I don’t know David Duke, I don’t believe I’ve ever met him, I’m pretty sure I didn’t meet him, and I just don’t know anything about him.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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