Entries Tagged as 'language & grammar'

language & grammarThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees that all official documents will be printed in Comic Sans

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 332211: Henceforth, all official documents of all governments (that the Emperor, in His infinite magnanimity, allows to continue operating) will be printed and posted using the Comic Sans font. This should, according to the Imperial Psychologist, put an end to bad feelings associated with official communications of every kind, from things as serious as international letters to jury summonses to traffic tickets. This could prevent all kinds of mishaps, ranging protracted wars to police brutality. Likewise, road signs will be re-hung, all emblazoned with Comic Sans. The Imperial Psychologist also assures your Emperor that this will cut down on road-rage incidents by as much as 75%; for, who could ramain unhappy surrounded by that jolly little font of cute little hand-written-looking letters? What monster would protest such cuddly, happy denotations of sound? Those who “hate Comic Sans” will be rounded up and summarily executed – it is a good way to expose and to eliminate the snooty folk in society; and, since graphic designers typically hate Comic Sans, it will eliminate some of the creative minds among us, which is always good for a Dictatorship like Ours. Now, we’re off to have a discussion with the editor of this two-bit piece of electronic rag…

The Punishment: All of those who do not convert to Comic Sans by July 1 will be forced to read a Dan Brown novel — which is bad enough, but this edition will be printed entirely in Copperplate Gothic Bold. This is, surely, one of Our more gruesome punishments, but We have to do what We have to do to make this world a better place.

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

language & grammarThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees that the letter “E” shall no longer be spoken as an “A”

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 3421: A, E, I , O, U and sometimes Y. They have their own sounds. They have their own purposes. They are the blood in the veins of every word. It’s them versus twenty-one other letters and they hold their own. Let us not weaken them for the sake of vain affectation. “E” has always been one of our favorite letters. Double it and it can sing butterfly notes, like a mezzo-soprano on her wedding night; or, it can screech madness, like a hawk with flaming feet. Let it sit alone at the end of a word and it exerts force upon the less powerful letters, like a director’s shadow brooding in the wings. It is a strong letter…until some dippy robot comes along and, through yet another in a long line of current puzzling affectations, changes it into an “A”. The woman, for instance, who pronounces her own name of “Emma” as “Amma; “ the announcer, for another instance, who pronounces the call letters to a Philadelphia radio station (WMGK) as AM-GEE-KAY; the person who inadvertently changes the word “ember” to “amber” —  into a different word altogether…  For the love of God we don’t know how it became perceived as stylish to unhinge one’s jaw whilst speaking, but, it shall not continue.

The Punishment: These E-radicators will be taught how to make the proper sound by having their mouths carefully positioned, permanently, by the Imperial Orthodontist (who prefers iron appliances for this sort of obligatory speech therapy).

Have an axcellent day.

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning, whether you like it or not. 

language & grammarThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees an end to the use of the suffix “-gate”

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. XLIX: Okay. We admit it. “Deflategate” almost changed our minds about the whole thing, because, let’s face it, that’s funny. But other than that, there will be no more adding “-gate” to the names of scandals, by media writers. First of all, it’s weak and a cheap attempt at cleverness. Second, “Watergate” was the name of an office complex where covered-up break-ins occurred in 1972. “Watergate” was not a scandal about water. It makes about as much sense to use “water” as it does to use “gate.” Why not call the Christie thing “Waterbridge”? — or the football thing “Waterball”? I love my minions dearly, but they need to stop being twits now.

The Punishment: In order to literally drive home the literal nature of the term “Watergate,” offenders will have their head repeatedly slammed in the iron gate at the end of the Emperor’s driveway while the Emperor enjoys a bowl of popcorn on his front porch. (Although most of our punishments are symbolic, it should be noted that the Emperor just happens to enjoy popcorn while taking in the suffering of the naughty.)

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning. Really. 

language & grammarThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees that the phrase “you guys” is banned

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. YG100: Hey, you guys! Listen, guys… You guys have to stop opening your guys’s sentences with “you guys” and saying “you guys” every other word. You guys are, like driving the Emperor crazy, you guys. Don’t make the Emperor slap you guys in chains. Okay guys? I mean, like, some of you guys aren’t even guys, so “you guys” just doesn’t make sense, guys.

The Punishment: You guys who use “you guys” will have your guys’s butts thrown into the Imperial Dungeons where you guys will meet some other guys who will make your guys’s lives miserable.

Okay guys? See you guys later.

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

language & grammarThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees that the word “too” will no longer be mutilated into a ridiculous affectation

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. .002: The Emperor has become painfully aware that people have been stretching and twisting the word “too” like a verbal taffy and transforming it into the word “teal;” or, more accurately, “teeeeuwl.” Ths abominable distortion is often found in close proximity to the work “omigod,” as in, “Omigod, me teeeeuwl!” This affectation has been creeping up toward “maximum Emperor annoyance” since the late nineties and it shall end, today.

The Punishment: Those who distort this short, sweet, effective word shall, likewise, be distorted on a little device the Imperial Dungeon Keeper likes to call “The Taffy Machine.” Is such a little word worth so much…um…mutilation?

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

language & grammarThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees an end to the phrase “at the end of the day”

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 12PM: National Public Radio is a good news source; it is a fine explorer of American culture, but it has created its own little inbred linguistic world full of phrases and speech patterns that the Emperor can stand no more. We just realized that a large portion of our linguistic decrees have come from NPR, over the span of this column, which is usually written after a car ride into the Imperial Palace Offices, with the radio on. The NPR offenses?  The ubiquitous use of “srtiv” for “sort of” (and the use of “sort of,” at all, where the speaker is really trying to say “exactly”); the use of “So…” in response to a question, as if the speaker is trying to imply it is about time the interviewer shut up and allowed him to talk; the use of the phrase “on the ground,” stolen from the military, to mean “in the middle of the issue;” etc… (Check the Imperial archives for any number of examples.) Now, we must speak out against “at the end of the day.” See it work in this annoying, NPR-phrase-laden sentence: “So, at the end of the day, it’s about starting a conversation…” Why does everyone want to start a conversation at the end of the day? What’s wrong with a nice morning chat? And what do you mean, “it’s about”? What’s about what? Do you mean “we need to”? And while everyone is “having conversations,” who is out there actually trying to change things for the better? (George Carlin, the top-secret Emperor of the past [yes, we succeeded him] is rolling over in his grave. )

The Punishment: Any-freaking-hoo, over-users of the phrase “at the end of the day” will be “put to bed”. “Tucked-in,” as it were, by a muscular fellow in a black hood. (And we ain’t talkin’ no memory foam comfy bed, neither; though, the stretching motion of said bed could, conceivably, fix a back problem or two.)

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

language & grammarThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees that ye may not use “genius” as an adjective

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 4528: No, he didn’t quit. You can’t quit being Emperor — the Universe makes you Emperor. We were just….Emperoring. None of your concern. Just continue to obey. For instance: We’ll say this only one more time. “Genius” is a noun, not an adjective. One can not have a “genius idea.” One can have an “ingenious idea.” Someone went to all the trouble to create the distinguishing prefix and that extra “o”. Use them. You sound like a dip when you say “genius idea.” Yes you do. Don’t argue with me. I’m the Emperor.

The Punishment: Those who “adjectivize” the word “genius” will be fed dictionaries for a week. Ketchup will be allowed, as the Emperor is feeling munificent this morning.

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning. 

language & grammarThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees that “Ban Bossy” is banned

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 449505: I don’t know who these people are who think they can go around banning things behind the Emperor’s back, but it must stop; therefore, the Emperor decrees that Ban Bossy shall be banned. Don’t get us wrong. This particular “ban” is voluntary. And it is for a good cause…this teaching girls to be leaders through a campaign that attempts to control language. Good idea — controlling language is a great source of power. (Someone ought to write a dystopian novel about that.) I trust these people, thoroughly. They have our young women’s best interests in mind; these ban-ers of words are like big sisters, in fact. This is so much different than “thought control” because it is good. The Emperor well knows that the intention justifies the means. But — it is, in fact, our Empire. No one shall ban thoughts or words but the Emperor.

The Punishment: Those who ban words without the Emperor’s leave shall be detained in the hot desert sun. They shall be instructed to ban the words “water,” “thirsty,” “drink” and and anyother words relating to the wetting of the proverbial whistle. Otherwise, they are completely free to ask for the crystal-cold liquid which will sit before them on a table, freshly stirred, with ice cubes swirling around, beads of cool moisture dripping languidly down its sides… They need only ask — provided they can ask within the language constraints given them.

Now, go forth and obey. 

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning (or so).

language & grammarThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees that no one will use the word “team” outside of a one-mile radius from a field or court

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 5-5: First off, there is an “I” on every team in every sport. And the “I” stands for people who carry their teams. We could give you a list, but why take up space? Second, the Emperor never could have risen to this status of world dominance and power if he had thought as part of a “team.” (Truly, the only team of which you need to be part is the one that does what it is told to do by the Emperor.) Teams? Let them concentrate on stuffing their balls into nets. The rest will go on trying to forge a path for themselves and learning to think on their own so that we don’t turn  into a world full of bees in a hive. “Team effort.” Blech.

The Punishment: Those who use the word “team” outside of a mile radius form a sports field will be force to sit for a year in what the Imperial Dungeonmaster likes to call “The Penalty Box.” (You don’t want to know.)

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

Now, go forth and obey.

language & grammarThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees that you will stop using the word “ginger” to describe people

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 3/334-z: Ginger. Ginger is a root. It is used for giving food that naughty tinge or earthy deliciousness. In some dictionaries, maybe around the third definition, if you’re lucky, it can be a color. But it is not a noun when referring to anything other than the spice. One is not “a ginger.” One might go so far as to say one has “ginger” hair. (It’s pretentious, but allowable.) Under no circumstances, whatever, however, will it be permissible, in the Empire, to refer to one’s self (or anyone else) as “a ginger.” It’s trendy and it is annoying and the Emperor will have no more of it. Thou art a red-head.  Own it or suffer the consequences.

The Punishment: Anyone heard using the word “ginger” as a noun to describe him or herself (or his or her brethren), will be ground into power, sprinkled onto human-shaped cookies, and fed (by Fofo, the Angry Red-Headed Clown [of “Finkle and Finkle’s Jolly Nightmare Circus”]) to the Imperial Tiger, Lars.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

language & grammarThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees that you will stop trying to make your long stories short

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 922105: You cannot make a story that is already long, short. So stop saying, “…to make a long story short…” It’s already long. You have already prattled and chuntered everyone into a coma. Shut up now. Make a long story stop.

The Punishment: Offenders will be beaten by the Imperial Torture Master for seven hours. Then, he will stop and walk away, saying, “…to make a long beating short…”

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

language & grammarThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees an end to the phrase “a hot mess”

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 543-0000000.1: You must understand: If a phrase annoys the Emperor, it is not the same as if it annoys one of the “regular people.” If it annoys the Emperor, it is simply (and indisputably) a bad phrase – one that shouldn’t exist. When it comes to His Everlasting Wonderfulness, opinion is fact. I truly hope you are all getting a grip of this idea by now. If you are not currently bound in chains in a dark dungeon, you may be getting the message…but not necessarily. For instance, the phrase: “A hot mess” in reference to a person or a situation… It makes the Emperor’s skin crawl with little beasties of pinchy tickliness. It’s a stupid phrase and it is one that is parroted constantly by the group-thinking, TV-imitating masses.

The Punishment: Parroters of this pretentious and painfully poor poetic patter will be taken to the Imperial Dungeon so that they may be boiled in (environmentally friendly) vegetable oil and, thereby, learn the literal meaning of “a hot mess” before they begin their new life as…well…soup.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

language & grammarThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees that guys named Al may not be called “big”

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 4576: The Emperor is back from his European tour of historic torture chambers. Lots of new ideas from the old masters… Keep that in mind, if you think to complain about his having missed a few weeks…

Hear ye, O Tripe of The Earthly Cow!

Henceforth, guys named “Al” are forbidden to adopt (or to have given to them) the nickname “Big”. Yes, that’s it. Yes, this is my big comeback post. Think about it. It is bad enough when one is stuck with a name that one may or may not like. Isn’t it worse, still, to then adorn said name with a dead-on-arrival cliché – a worthless adjective that has been schlepped about by a hundred-million other corpulent (and/or towering) fops over the years? How about “Corpulent Al” or “Tall Al” or “Macho Al” or even “Large Al”? Enough with the big.

The Punishment: Anyone caught going around with this ubiquitous nickname will be renamed by the Imperial Dungeon Keeper as: “Locked In The Imperial Dungeons Al.” Sure, it’s less bouncy, but it will at least be almost narratively descriptive – sort of a succinct biography of the rest of Al’s life…

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

language & grammarThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor’s decree against affected speech: “sure”

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 222-sde/23x: With the proliferation of video and audio media, the Emperor is noticing an ever-growing increase in affected speech patterns and in the parroting of words and phrases. He has already pointed out the use of the word “ameezing” (really, “amazing”) as an adjective for everything from tasty french fries to good sex to religious epiphanies. He won’t even get into the idea of “vocal fry” — that intensely annoying tendency of (mostly) young women to insert creaky vibrations into their voices for…effect. (For what effect, other than making people want to throw punches, we don’t know. Maybe they think it makes them sound like Leonard Nimoy or something.) The reason he will not get into “vocal fry” yet is that the linguistic jury is still out. Some researchers claim it is not a new phenomenon, though the Emperor’s Imperial Department of Linguistic Domination believes it is more widespread than ever. Nevertheless, it will no doubt be outlawed, soon. Anyhoo, let’s take one thing at a time: the word “sure.” Open. Your. Mouth. It is “shooor.” It’s not “sherrr.” Say it right.

The Punishment: Violators of this decree will be placed into a closet with a weed-whacker and they will be forced to listen to its incessant, grating whine for three days, straight, in order for them learn how overwhelmingly annoying they are to everyone within earshot.

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

language & grammarThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees an end to the misuse of the first-person pronoun

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree, No. -345.34Q: The Emperor has said it before, and he will say it again: A smattering of education is a dangerous thing. Take your average college graduate. He fancies himself educated because he holds a four-year degree. This fancy is very debatable, since the Emperor recently heard a university student say to a police officer: “We haven’t drank nothing. Is that chill?” But that is neither here nor there. These “educated” folk, somewhere along the line, wind up learning how to say, “Dave and I went to the dance,” instead of “Dave and me went to the dance.” And they like this. “Dave and I” sounds educated; proper; downright suave. This is, they think, the way educated people speak. Because they are so enamored of this linguistic savoir faire, they decide to apply it in other situations, albeit the wrong ones: “Lucius went with Dave and I to the dance.” This is wrong. Because this is wrong and because it vexes the Emperor, it is now a crime. To save one’s self from prosecution at the hands of the Imperial Powers, one need only perform an experiment before speaking: simply take out the “Dave.” In the aformentioned sentence, it becomes: “Lucius went with I to the dance.” Not so suave anymore, eh Professor?  The Emperor’s not going to graph the sentence for you; figure it out or suffer.

The Punishment: Speakers of the pretentious and misplaced “I” will be forced to eat a bucket of sheep’s eyes until they vomit, thereby getting a visual lesson as to what they are doing on a daily basis with the verbal homophone, as they vomit forth “eyes.” Get it? Huh? (The Emperor is pleased with his Dante-esque brilliance on this one, if he does say so himself. )

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning. 

language & grammarThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees that smush-names are no longer allowed for businesses

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 29833: “KenSue’s Deli.” It’s out of business, but the faded plastic sign still swings outside. The Emperor passes it every day on the way to the Imperial Office. It is our infallible opinion that the reason the place is closed is because the wise minions of the Emperor refuse to go to a delicatessen with such a stupid name; they are disgusted by the saccharine ooziness of some kissy-faced couple who thought it would be cute to combine their names instead of just calling it “Ken and Sue’s Deli,” like sane people would. The Emperor sees too much of this name combination in businesses when people can’t come up with something better. It’s silly. Be creative.

The Punishment: Violators of this decree will have their business names changed by the Imperial Psychologist. Hence, a deli called “KenSue’s” might have its name changed to “Rat Sandwich.” An air conditioning repair company might have its name changed to “Hot-n-Sweaty, Limited.” A daycare called “JaneTom’s Happy Hoppy Land” will, henceforth, be called, “Knives and Razors, Day(more-or-less)care.” Be creative, minions. Be creative. You don’t want to have your mobile dog grooming business renamed to “Jugular Slash Grooming.” Do you?

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

language & grammarThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees that the phrase “pitch-perfect” is banned

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 104: It was one thing when Paula Abdul started using the phrase to describe a good performance on “American Idol.” That was just annoying; which is to say: that was just Paula Abdul. But, recently, the Emperor saw the phrase “pitch-perfect” used in a book review to describe a writer’s prose. What the Hades does that mean? — his writing was “pitch-perfect”? Reverse the words, and you have something: a “perfect pitch” is a 104 MPH fastball, with tons of movement, that catches the corner of the plate and is completely un-hittable, even though it is still in “the zone.” “Perfect pitch,” in music, is the ability to identify or to reproduce an exact tone on the scale without having heard it first or without having heard any tones in reference: “Hey, Mel! Sing me a third-octave Bb…”  Bing! Laaaa! Mel delivers. But, pitch-perfect? We don’t think so.

The Punishment: Anyone heard using this phrase will be brought to Imperial Park (home of the World Champion [Every Year, or Else] Minions). Behind home plate, there will be a plywood cut-out of a catcher (which, in fact, on the back side, is actually an old-fashioned “stocks” [ah, the classics…]). There will be a hole in the catcher’ s mitt and the offender will be forced to push his head through the stocks and out through the hole. He will then, quickly, most unfortunately, and quite finally, find out what a perfect pitch really is…

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

language & grammar

Ironic safety

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What’s more ironic? A pickup truck with a sign asking us to drive safely and “watch for motorcycles” that doesn’t have a sideview mirror? Or someone driving behind the pickup who is amused by the ironic combination of the sign and the missing mirror and who decides to share this ironic, unsafe example with others by taking this photo while driving?

 

language & grammarThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees an end to E-stretching (especially before nine AM)

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 44444: The Emperor has big problems with affected pronunciations; therefore, so will you. Today, he puts a stop to all E-stretchers. Many is the person who has nearly sealed his or her bloody demise by greeting the Emperor (who is simply not a morning person) with a hearty, “Good morneeeeeeen!” This usually is the chosen pronunciation of the same people who say, “Think yeeeeew,” instead of, “Thank you.” (A variant on this is: “Think yeeeuwl” — which is also henceforth banned.) One can break one’s self of these affectations by watching less reality television; but, however one does it, one must. Please be aware: Morning is the province of ubiquitous cardboard cups of piping-hot coffee and the utterance of “Good morneeeeeen!” (to the wrong person) could result in a need for emergency plastic surgery. The Emperor says this out of love and concern for his minions, but also out of concern for his own nerves, which could realistically be envisioned as a line of dominoes teetering on a rowboat, especially before nine AM.

The Punishment: E-stretchers will be temporarily outfitted with a wooden ring, one inch in diameter. The offenders’ lips will be glued around the ring. After four weeks of being forced to say, “Goooo moooornoooo,” the offender should be sufficiently aware of his equally preposterous former speech tendency. The ring will be removed, painlessly, albeit reluctantly, after the prescribed period, by the Imperial Surgeon. The tangent benefit will be that many people will have been greeted with “Gooooo moooornoooo,” which will certainly have produced resultant pleasant belly laughs instead of a pulsing, screeching urge to maim others.

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning. 

language & grammarThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees that ye will pronounce the double-“O” sound properly

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 100000: Young people of the Empire! I am only going to decree this once, so listen carefully. Two letter “O”s, in American English, are pronounced with a long “O” sound, un-interfered with. “Pool,” for instance: “poooooool.” It is not “poo-wuhl.” “Cooooool,” not “coo-wuhl.” Do you see a “W,” anywhere, in either of those words? Get it right. That’s all. I have no more to say on the matter. Now…[rubs hands together] for the punishment.

The Punishment: [Those in charge here at WFTC have deemed the Emperor’s punishment for this offense to be far too violent for publication. In fact, “sadistic” is a better word for the fate he declares for those who those who mispronounce the double-“O” sound. I mean, he’s really riled up by this one — rivers of blood; deaths of whole generations of descendants….mutilation…truffle-salt in the eyes…that sort of thing. Do yourself a favor and say it right. (“Right,” of course, being whatever the Emperor thinks.) The Imperial Language Patrol is everywhere. Don’t risk it for the sake of following some fleeting pronunciation trend. It’s hard to explain to the IRS (Imperial Revenue Service) why your body occupied two different zip codes, simultaneously, over a whole fiscal year. Just not worth the headache. Don’t be a foo-wuhl.]

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

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