I have become Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time in questioning how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my first decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 1: No one is permitted, anymore, to say “I’m so over it” if they are not, indeed, “over it.” How will the Emperor’s spies know whether or not someone is indeed “over it”? Simply put, if one angrily yells “I’m so over it” and then breaks a coffee table with one’s fist, one is clearly not over it. Saying that one is “over it” should be a declaration that one is finished with “it” — done expending time and emotional energy on “it”; at peace with “it.”

The Punishment: Violators will be slapped, repeatedly, on the left cheek, by a burly, noisome man with large and calloused hands. Before each successive slap, up to slap one-thousand, the Imperial Deliverer of Slaps (“Pete”) will say, “I am so done hitting you now.” Prisoners will be released after the final clout.

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor shall grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

Tags: language & grammar, The Emperor decrees by Chris Matarazzo
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We might think that people never have to pay for anything, with all the things we hear are paying for themselves. Most times, when someone says, “It pays for itself,” the proper response is, “No, it doesn’t.”

I know someone who buys annual memberships at several aquariums and zoos because doing so only costs a little more than the one-day pass. He once told me that if you go to the Baltimore Aquarium just twice in a year, the yearly pass “pays for itself,” which is why he has bought the yearly pass. Baltimore is a four-hour drive from where he lives, but no matter. He is determined to have his pass pay for itself, so he loads the kids into the car and takes a second trip to Baltimore within the year. Not to do so is to have paid for a yearly membership when only a one-day pass was needed. Driving to Baltimore costs money for gas and tolls, but if you add it all up, as I’m sure he has, it still costs less than paying for two separate day passes to the aquarium. This math convinces him that the yearly pass pays for itself. If he goes to the aquarium a third time in the year, it will pay for itself even more. If he goes ten times, the yearly pass pays for itself so much it’s practically free. [Read more →]

Tags: language & grammar, money by Scott Stein
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“The kids today can’t write, you’ve surely heard it said, and new technologies are to blame.” So writes Kathleen Fitzpatrick at cnn.com, but she doesn’t agree that texting and other electronic media are making students less literate. Whatever your view of the influence of e-communication on writing skills, read the insightful comments below the article.

Fitzpatrick is attacked for writing, “I’ve got nearly 20 years of experience in the classroom[...]” Commenter Keith writes: [Read more →]

Tags: language & grammar by Scott Stein
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You know what frightens me a little about us? — people, I mean. We are really eager to accept things the way they are, even if they are way worse than the way they were pretty derned recently. 

Oh, sure, we’ll moan about “how it used to be,” but, for the sake of ease, something in our heads makes us want to accept stuff, “as is.” Things go more smoothly that way, I guess. 

Or maybe we do this because we feel like we simply can’t stand up effectively against things like plummeting standards. One of the most popular American phrases right now (annoying as I might find it [imagine the whole of the American populace not adjusting its phraseology just to please me]) is: “It is what it is.” Usually, this is a resignation: It ain’t changing.  [Read more →]

Tags: language & grammar, recipes & food by Chris Matarazzo
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A reader of the Bucks County Courier Times, Brad Thompson, gives word choice advice on today’s Opinion page:

“[Blank] sucks” began as a teenage homophobic slur in the 1960s to bully unpopular boys. Now, the “s-word” describes anything bad. Let’s say “stinks” instead.

This proposal worries me because it is possibly offensive to people with body odor. Also, to skunks.

And will people still be able to say “That stinks” when they want to complain about the stench coming from an overflowing trashcan, or will others think they are just saying that trash is bad?

Tags: language & grammar by Scott Stein
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The dove is a symbol of peace but symbolism is a tricky business. Perhaps due to its reputed monogamy and habit of living among humans without  much friction the dove has been such since biblical times at least. Likewise the corruption of symbols, the dove included, has always been a staple of human interaction whether in a friendly confusion as happened with our Martian friends or with malign and murderous cunning. The dove, like the olive branch, is a somewhat arbitrary vehicle for sentiment and as all good people are learning, sentiment has immovable limitations.

The clear opposite of the Dove, in politics as in fact, is the Hawk. While the Doves are an ancient political race the Hawk, or War Hawk was only conceived around 1812. [Read more →]

Tags: language & grammar, trusted media & news by Ken Watson
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Recently, in Australia, the recording/performance artist Lady Gaga and her entourage were pelted with eggs, apparently to protest Ms. Gaga’s use of a wheelchair as part of her musical act. Ms. Gaga, who has the full use of her legs, needed to be shown the insensitivity inherent whenever anyone who does not need a wheelchair uses a wheelchair, whether it be for artistic purposes or not. The eggs were intended as an attention-getting device.

Obviously, as a sensitive person myself, I applaud the throwing of items at insensitive people to get their attention on important matters. Most insensitive people don’t realize they’re being insensitive, and throwing objects at them is a good way to start the conversation process, which will start a dialogue which will in turn lead to the curative process, and then, inevitably can we begin to heal, as a people. I would like to point out, however, that millions of men and women all over the world struggle with the tragedy of infertility. The throwing of eggs is a sad reminder of the burden these people live with every day of their lives. Therefore I must reluctantly say that it was insensitive of the wheelchair activists to throw eggs at Ms. Gaga et al, no matter how noble their intentions. [Read more →]

Tags: language & grammar, race & culture by Ricky Sprague
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Once upon a time in America there were posters that said “Loose Lips Sink Ships“. It was good advice for serious times. (According to some sources, posters actually said “Loose Lips Might Sink Ships“, but we remember the catchier, more concise version.)

These days we have different posters and different slogans. Pictured below is one posted in a men’s restroom where I work: “Clean Hands Save Lives!” [Read more →]

Tags: language & grammar by Scott Stein
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Maybe I’m just a linguistic sponge, but I find myself falling into the discourse of those around me. A northeastern boy, I’ve felt that if I moved to say, the south, that I’d pick up not only the vernacular but the accent within weeks.

This brings me to adverbs. [Read more →]

Tags: language & grammar, virtual children by Scott Warnock by Scott Warnock
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It is wearying to mention Wisconsin so let’s mention it not. It’s unnecessary because those events are not exceptional, actually, but for scale and location. The struggle there is just one beach head in the constant, global and universal struggle. A tiny tendril of that struggle touched down here in Atlanta yesterday as a noisy bussed in scrum of unionists faced a smaller, carpooled scrum of flag wavers across the intersection in front of the Georgia capitol. I can’t say that I attended although that was my intention. For me it was just a three or four block walk. Approaching I could tell my side by the abundance of Carhartt’s and posterboard signs. I could tell the other by their red t-shirts and glossy-stock signs. The unionists numbered maybe 200 and the anti-unionists half that so this was less than a political Woodstock. An earlier scheduled event for and against a referendum on Sunday liquor sales (I’m pro) was a bit larger.

I didn’t stop. I didn’t break stride. I walked past my guys and their guys at the same camel-esque speed and blinked at them as if I had no idea what I had stumbled upon at all and walked straight to the bar. So I guess I am a deserter. [Read more →]

Tags: language & grammar, politics & government by Ken Watson
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