Entries Tagged as 'movies'

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmovies

After Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, top ten movies being monsterized

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10. The Lion King Kong

9. Django Undead

8. Kramer vs. Kramer vs. Predator

7. Mummy Dearest

6. The Werewolf of Wall Street

5. Jack Creature: Never Go Back

4. Hunchback Mountain

3. The Thing and I

2. My Bigfoot Greek Wedding

1. What About Blob?
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingbooks & writing

Top ten classics being made into superhero movies

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10. Little Wonder Women

9. Of Human Torch

8. The X-Man Cometh

7. Daredevil and Daniel Webster

6. Kiss of the Spider-Man

5. Doctor Strange and Mr. Hyde

4. Anne of Green Lantern

3. Of Mice And Superman

2. The Naked and the Deadpool

1. The Groot Gatsby
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmovies

Top ten things overheard at last night’s Academy Awards

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10. “I understand that the Oscar was actually named after a guy named ‘Oscar’.”

9. “The montage of dead actors at the Golden Globes is a good indication of who’ll still be dead tonight.”

8. “I hear new U.S. Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III is hoping that Ruth Negga wins for Loving just so he can say, ‘Well, mercy me! I do declare, a Negga just won Best Actress!’ and not get in trouble for it.”

7. “I’d like to thank the Academy. And for those of you who think it’s an honor just to be nominated: What a bunch of losers!!”

6. “I was considered ‘ineligible for a 2016 Academy Award,’ I think probably because I didn’t actually do anything this year.”

5. “I love that new ‘anatomically correct’ Oscar; it’s so much easier to carry!.”

4. “I’m so glad the Academy has finally recognized O.J. Simpson. They totally overlooked him for those Naked Gun movies.”

3. “I only hope I live long enough to be included in that In Memoriam segment.”

2. “I thought La La Land was about a Magical Kingdom ruled over by that yellow Teletubby with the curly antenna!”

1. “When I was backstage, I accidentally knocked over a couple of envelopes, but I can’t see how that can be a problem. I mean, they’ve only got one award left to present.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmovies

Top ten X-rated Fourth of July movies

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10. Sin Dependence Day

9. Drop Your Pants and Fire a Rocket!

8. Red, White, and Very Blue

7. Seventeen Seventy-Sex

6. Porn on the Fourth of July

5. Time for Some Fireworks!

4. There’s a Barbecue in My Pants

3. The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!

2. The Fourth of Julie

1. Yank My Doodle! It’s A Dandy!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmovies

Top ten signs Harrison Ford is too old to star in the fifth Indiana Jones movie

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10. He’s older than some of the relics he’s looking for

9. His fedora now has a chin strap

8. He’s going to carry a whip in one hand and a walking stick in the other

7. It opens with him trying to outrun a runaway shopping cart

6. In the second sequence, he comes across a jewel-encrusted hip replacement

5. There’s a fight to the death atop a Rascal scooter

4. They’re changing his name to Indiana Groans

3. They’re thinking of calling the film Raiders of the Lost Keys

2. Or Indiana Jones and the Temple of Coumadin

1. Or Indiana Jones and the…Wait, What Was I Searching For?
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmovies

Top ten things overheard at last night’s Oscars

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10. “Excuse me, Miss. You dropped your implant.”

9. “The montage of dead actors at the Golden Globes is a good indication of who’ll still be dead tonight.”

8. “Explain to me again why Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! isn’t up for anything.”

7. “I heard Travolta’s date to this thing is Adele Dazeem!”

6. “How ironic that they’re holding the Oscars during Black History Month.”

5. “Hey, look! Charlene Theron’s arm grew back!”

4. “Damn! I had Paul Blart: Mall Cop in the Oscar pool.”

3. “I only hope I live long enough to be included in that In Memorium segment.”

2. “I love that new ‘anatomically correct’ Oscar; it’s so much easier to carry!”

1. “I really feel sorry for Stallone. First, they completely ignore his work in Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, and now this!”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmovies

Top ten upcoming sequels

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10. Fast & Furious 8: Even Faster & Furiouser

9. Alvin and the Chipmunks 4: What a Load of Chip

8. Frozen 2: Another Batch of Earworms

7. Naked Gun 4: Where’s O.J.?

6. Schindler’s List 2: The Groceries

5. The Seventh Sense

4. Weekend at Bernie’s 3: What’s That Smell?

3. I Still Know What You Did the Summer Before Last

2. Star Wars 8: The Force Goes Back To Sleep Again

1. Rocky ?: Even We’ve Lost Count
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

art & entertainmentBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Now that Stephenie Meyer is reissuing Twilight with the sexes reversed (male mortal Beau now being seduced by the vampiress Edythe), top ten other sex-reversal entertainments in the works

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10. The Brotherhood of the Traveling Jeans

9. Twelve Angry Women

8. Julia Caesar

7. My Fair Lord

6. The Third Woman

5. The African King

4. Aunt Vanya

3. Arnie Hall

2. The Godmother

1. Seven Husbands for Seven Sisters
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmovies

Top ten alternate titles for movies

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10. A Bridge Too FarThe Chris Christie Story

9. FrozenSongs to Drive Your Parents Bonkers

8. AvatarSmurfs in Space

7. The ExpendablesGrumpy Old Men Armed to the Dentures

6. InceptionMy Brain Just Broke

5. Herbie: The Love BugEmission: Impossible

4. Four Weddings and a FuneralFive Tragedies

3. Dumb and DumberBarbara Bush’s Boys

2. The Theory of EverythingLook Who’s Hawking

1. 2001: A Space OdesseyKeir Dullea, Gone Tomorrow
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmovies

Top ten of the Fifty Grays to Shade Your Lover

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There must be fifty grays to shade your lover.

Fifty grays to shade your lover.

10. Just clap on the cuffs, Duff.

9. Buy some new rope, Hope.

8. Tie a tight knot, Scott.

Just listen to me.

7. You must dominate, Kate.

6. Learn how to spank, Hank.

5. Bind him in leather, Heather.

And don’t set him free.

4. Break out the whip, Chip.

3. Slap on the chain, Jane.

You’ll cause him some brain pain,

And do it with glee.

2. Try that new toy, Roy.

1. Remember to bite, Dwight.

I know it’s not quite right.

I’m glad it’s not me!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

books & writingmovies

Added to My Bookshelf: Undead Obsessed: Finding Meaning in Zombies

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There’s no denying that Jessica Robinson has an obsession with zombies, and that said obsession is shared by people of many ages in many parts of the world … myself included.

Proof of her obsession can be found in the time and effort that obviously went into research for, and writing of her book, “Undead Obsessed: Finding Meaning in Zombies.” My reading of the book, however, left my own obsession unsated … which is not necessarily the fault of the book … obsessions, after all, can be very, VERY personal matters.
[Read more →]

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmovies

Top ten signs you’re not going to win an Academy Award next Sunday

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10. It’s the world’s first pro-Catholic pornographic musical

9. The best acting you did all year was telling your wife that her new dress didn’t make her look fat

8. Your film was called Left Behind – and it should have been

7. It’s the sequel to The Love Guru

6. On the red carpet, instead of asking you who you’re wearing, they ask you why you showed up

5. The opening and closing credits actually meet in the middle

4. In your Biblical epic, the product placement for the iPhone 6 was too distracting

3. You’re Mitt Romney, and therefore can’t win anything

2. The jury at Cannes found you “Guilty as charged”

1. You’re a Black actor or director
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

moviesvirtual children by Scott Warnock

Why you want Peter Jackson as your Dungeon Master

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I was warned that this title would discourage almost all readers. So be it. The fact remains, that if you are ever lucky enough to play a character, say a dwarf fighter or a halfing rogue, in a good ol’ Dungeons & Dragons game, you definitely want Peter Jackson to be your DM.

[Read more →]

moviesreligion & philosophy

The long lost instruction book to the game of life

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When you’ve seen as many movies as I have, you begin to see that they all follow a certain pattern. This is true not just of movies, but of all great stories ranging from those found in classic mythology and literature to modern TV series and video games. Joseph Campbell called it the monomyth or hero’s journey. It’s basically a series of steps that the protagonist must go through during the course of his or her adventure. In addition to this, there are also a number of spiritual principles that often find their way into storytelling. By combining these principles with the monomyth, you can pretty much figure out where just about any story is headed. While this skill has proven to be incredibly annoying to my wife, it’s come in very handy for me. Not because I’ve continually annoyed her with my usually correct movie and TV show predictions, but because I’ve noticed that these storytelling rules apply to more than just fictitious stories. They also apply to real life. [Read more →]

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmovies

Top ten things overheard at last night’s Oscars

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10. “Look at some of those necklines! I just hope Jonah Hill keeps his thing in his pants.”

9. “Streep’s up for Best Actress? How odd!”

8. “Well, obviously the fix is in. Not a single nomination for Grown-Ups 2.”

7. “Tyler Perry should be up for Best Actor and Best Actress.”

6. “Who’s that gay blond white dude hostin’ this thing?”

5. “I hear George Clooney and Sandra Bullock are making another movie together – he’s a dentist, she’s his assistant – called Cavity.”

4. “I only hope I live long enough to see them include me in that In Memoriam segment.”

3. “There have been so many extraordinary performances – Darlene Love, Pink, U2, Bette Midler, Idina Menzel – I’m getting tired of standing for all the standing ovations!”

2. “Explain to me again why Sharknado isn’t up for anything?”

1. “This is getting so boring. I just wish Jonah Hill would take his thing out of his pants.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmovies

Top ten signs your film is not going to win an Academy Award

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10. It stars Meryl Streep, but not the famous one

9. It’s called Captain Phillips Milk of Magnesia

8. Adam Sandler has never been wackier

7. The world wasn’t ready for an all-gerbil version of Death of a Salesman

6. It’s rated ‘R’ for ‘Ridiculous’

5. The iPod Nano product placements detract from the prehistoric setting

4. The title contains the words “Lone” or “Ranger”

3. It stars Chris Christie in a remake of A Bridge Too Far

2. There’s no category called ‘Biggest Asshole’

1. Roger Ebert returned from Heaven just so he could give it two thumbs down
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

moviesvirtual children by Scott Warnock

The desolation of dumb Smaug

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It’s just a movie. It’s just a movie. It’s just a movie. I repeated the mantra, but if I adhered to it, and not just in this case but in general, if I got all Zen-like and hey-let-it-ride, what would I write about this year? [Read more →]

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmovies

Top ten movie mashups

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10. The Bourne Yesterday

9. Escape to Brokeback Mountain

8. The Empire Strikes Back to the Future

7. Alien vs. Kramer

6. My Left Footloose

5. Dr. Strangelove Is a Many-Splendored Thing

4. No Country for Grumpy Old Men

3. The Dark Knight of the Living Dead

2. Romeo & Dumber

1. Slumdog Squarepants
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

moviesThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees that Thaddeus T. Wimplenoodle must die

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 24FPS: The Emperor has not, as yet, sentenced anyone summarily to death, but now is the time. Or, rather, the past is the time. Who, you might often have asked, was the sadistic monster who decided that popcorn should be served in movie theaters? What sick son-of-a-mother decided that the loudest-chewing snack in the history of mankind, served in the loudest-crinkling bag possible, should be the staple treat at an entertainment medium that depends upon audible dialogue; that operates on sometimes delicate, sometimes sublime emotional levels that can be crushed by the slightest peripheral disturbance? We’ll tell you: one Thaddeus T. Wimplenoodle, in the year 1927. (The Imperial Historians were up all night tracking down this information — don’t bother trying to verify it.) Was this beast trying to drive theater-goers into homicidal rages as a result of their being surrounded by entire families full of grunting, bag-crinkling, slack-jawed, open-mouthed chompers? The very idea is a sign of severely sociopathic intentions. Someone like that should never have been allowed to live and the tradition of popcorn in movie theaters must be stopped.

The Punishment: The Imperial Quantum Physicists have sent an Imperial Assassin back in time. Assuming the Imperial Assassin doesn’t accidentally kill his own grandfather, you should count on an unexplained offering of, say, padded cardboard boxes full of marshmallows instead of popcorn at your next theater visit. In short, Thaddeus T. Wimplenoodle must die (or, must have died) before he can (could have) unleash (unleashed) such malignant madness into the world.

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmovies

Top ten Disneyland-Lucasfilm projects planned for the new year

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10. When You Wish Upon A Death Star

9. Snow White and the Seven Ewoks

8. The Lightsaber in the Stone

7. No Deposit, No Return of the Jedi

6. Raiders of the Lost Duck

5. The Princess Leia Diaries

4. Atlantis: The Lost Empire Strikes Back

3. Song of the Sith

2. Randy Quaid in The Wookiee

1. Dumb and Dumber starring Goofy and Jar Jar Binks
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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