Entries Tagged as 'mostly kidding by Matt Scottoline'

creative writingmusic

Trying to tell my grandkids about SXSW 2011

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“We slept in a bungalow! On the floor!”

“After waiting in line for 3 hours, we were lucky enough to see a 30 minute comedy show…for free!”

“As far as the eye could see, there were free energy drinks…and boy did we drink them.  We drank them all.  We were sick as dogs.” [Read more →]

creative writing

Scrabble word or Words With Friends for iPhone word?

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Jarl [


Holiday Gift Guide 2010

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Generally speaking, everybody hates Christmas.  I mean, everybody loves Christmas; it’s just that Christmas is kind of horrible.  C’mon, you know what I mean!  Wah, Wah! Buy me a gift! I want a present! God, mom. Give it a rest.  The good news is, I’m here to make everything about Christmas easier.  If you’ve been waiting until the last minute to buy the person you love the greatest present in the world, you’ve found the perfect gift guide.  If you’re Jewish, close this page and go eat a matzoh or something. [Read more →]


NASA discovers new life form; I apologize for creating it

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One of my daily traditions involves laying down for a late morning nap.  It is not only energizing, but also a pleasant way to “skip over” a few hours of the day which would be spent in debilitating anxiety.  Normally, upon waking up from these naps, I go about my usual business of watching Wife Swap and waiting until the sun goes down so I can go to sleep again.  Yesterday, however, I clicked over to one of my favorite television news outlets, and was immediately guilt stricken.

As it turns out, NASA had discovered an entirely new form of life.  Much to my dismay, this life was found in Mono Lake, California. Okay, NASA.  I admit it.  I am responsible for this new life form you have discovered.  I’m sorry. [Read more →]

drugs & alcoholPitney patrol

Making a case for Four Loko (with a case of Four Loko)

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After a long day at the office (my couch), I can’t think of a better way to unwind than with my favorite caffeinated malt liquor beverage: Four Loko. You can see why, then, I was so shocked to hear that my beloved Loko was being pulled from shelves. What’s the matter, Uncle Sam? Scared of a good time? Afraid you might have too much fun? I didn’t realize our government was run by a bunch of grandmas. [Read more →]


“Hoarding,” and how to make it more funny

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Hoarding. It’s all anyone can talk about anymore. Have you seen the show “Hoarders?” Oh my gosh. That’s what people talk about. Everyone. All people. I’m not attempting to be a Negative Nancy (Nathan) here, but I have one fundamental problem with the entire Hoarding trend: It’s just no fun. [Read more →]

politics & government

The November 2010 United States national election event recap

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I think it would be beneficial to get this out of the way in the first sentence, and let me just say: Wow.

You know what? I’ll make that it’s own paragraph.  I think it deserves it.

That one too.  I digress.

This year’s big election night in the United States of America was different than all that had come before it.  No more business as usual and no more easy answers to the hardest questions. [Read more →]

creative writinghealth & medical

Mostly unsuccessful shopping list for M&Ms Store: Times Square, NY

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1) Bread

2) Milk

3) Eggs [


No content. I’m sorry. Please read for explanation.

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I know. I really blew it. The thing is, I’ve just been really busy.

It all started last Monday when I was tying my boot. Everything was going to plan, when BOOM… the darn shoelace ripped right in half. [Read more →]

educationlanguage & grammar

A brief lesson in english.

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All of my life I’ve been told rule after rule by every snooty english teacher that the public school system, and all educational institutions beyond that could throw at me.  Periods this, commas that, apostrophe my butt.  We get it guys, writing is boring. [Read more →]

creative writingenvironment & nature

‘Tis the season!

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Autumn is upon us, dear readers, and there is no season which I like better. The reasons for my unwavering love for the falls are simple ones, yet they remain worth sharing. Perhaps seeing some of my favorite activities will help you make the most of your season.  [Read more →]

creative writingpolitics & government

I am the guy seriously considering the purchase of the Barack Obama mask in the Halloween store

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Oh my God. This is it. Jim, have you seen this thing? It looks just like him! Can you run this Dr. Evil costume back to the rack? I don’t need it anymore. This is the one. I’ll go as Obama!

You know who this guy is, right? Yeah, the President… black guy…yeah you get it. Can you imagine? Should I wear a suit with it? No…no…not a suit. I’ll wear a Hawaiian shirt. Oh man, that would be too good. Obama in a Hawaiian shirt, just hanging out. So funny. [Read more →]

announcementsenvironment & nature

I am a tropical storm

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Seldom in life, a man is given an experience that sticks with him forever. His wedding day, for one.  Maybe his Bar Mitzvah. Perhaps his Catholic Bar Mitzvah*. [Read more →]


Bed Bugs: Not So Bad!

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If you’re anything like my mother, you’ve been reading a lot about this impending Bed Bug “pandemic.” Heck, it’s even on TV. There doesn’t seem to be any getting around it.

“We are all going to die.” — Anderson Cooper

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advicetravel & foreign lands

Tips for beating jet lag

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1) Go to bed whenever you feel sleepy. I know. It’s only 3:00 PM. But your eyes hurt! Just go for it. I promise you won’t wake up until a decent hour in the morning. A nice early night. How refreshing!

2) When you wake up at 2:00 AM and are unable to go back to sleep, the solution is simple: turn on all the lights in your house! Your body will think it’s daytime, and you can just have a really long day. It’s like the summer solstice! Seize it! [Read more →]

recipes & foodtelevision

Rejected titles for the TV show Man v. Food

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Man v. Dignity

Audience v. Stomach

Man v. Reputation

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Moments from famous films I would have ruined had I been the star

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Forrest Gump — 1994

“My mom always told me life was like chocolate. Chocolate box. Wait…no, that wasn’t it. What the heck did she say? It was a box… chocolate… uhm… hang on, let me call my mom.”

The Wizard Of Oz — 1939

“Toto… where the heck are we?”

Frankenstein — 1931

“Whoa… hang on… hey Igor… is that thing… wait… is that thing alive? That is so weird. [Read more →]