As a wise man once said, “Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.” So there I was on a brilliant sunshiny January morning dancing up Broad Street wearing an over-sized satiny dress with about 2,000 similarly dressed whack jobs, looking for all the world like Dean Wormer’s worst nightmare, when it occurred to me that nowhere but in Philadelphia can so many guys look like frat brothers from Animal House on New Year’s Day and consider it a way of life. What would Philadelphia be without the mummers? Another city certainly.

Mummers are the bad boys of the western world. The Deltas in an Alpha culture. Been that way since the Romans called it Saturnalia. Kings dressed as slaves. Men dressed as women. City folk dressed as farm boys. The best fool became the wisest man. It was an extended solstice festival, like Christmas through Carnival. And any bozo who dragged it out past the end of March was labeled an April fool.

Philadelphia takes care of all that in a single day, or thereabouts. And that single day identifies Philadelphia to itself. The world may not know mummers but we do. This past New Year’s parade clocked in at a record six hours and 30 minutes. It was a cold glorious day. Brilliant winter light shined on Broad Street as if the sun was a spotlight at the Navy Yard. And yet the crowds took a hike. The fans and first timers remained and had a great time. What’s not to like? A wonderful parade on a beautiful day. But there was nobody there. I’m talking nobody-deep on the west side of Broad and Pine when the ninth string band passed.

I know why, of course. Who would bring their family out to watch a parade that might not happen? Or if it does happen there might be a work stoppage? Or if there is a parade it might turn violent if the fat, drunk and stupid parts of both cultures act up. So the bad press about the mummers-City Hall conflict cooled off the size of the crowd as much as the cold day. And boy what a great show they missed. But one thing is for sure, the mummers are as big a part of Philadelphia as any sports team and the thought of a New Year’s Day without a parade is as unthinkable as a spring without the Phillies or an autumn without the Eagles. And the powers that be ought to accommodate that reality into the annual budget instead of acting like the mummers can be put on double secret probation.

Photo of Clark the Mummer by Chris Dwyer. Photo of Fat, Drunk and Stupid by Clark DeLeon.

Tags: easy go, ends & odd
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On Christmas Eve it seems appropriate to throw out a link to a column I wrote last year arguing that perhaps my fellow secularists shouldn’t be so eager to throw out the materialist baby with the Jesus bath water when it comes to the latter’s wayward birthday party. In part:

No less a self-described “dedicated secular humanist” than Barbara Ehrenreich has declared the War on Christmas over. “Christmas is not the exclusive property of those who think God came to earth 2000 years ago as a baby in Bethlehem,” she sniffed. It’s true, if hardly for the reasons Ehrenreich thinks, although I nevertheless look forward to reading the biting piece of investigative journalism detailing her time as an undercover mall elf trying to organize the workers against a cigar-chomping, red-suited bossman with a little round belly that shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

One has to wonder what exactly Ehrenreich, who compared “consumer culture” unfavorably to drug addiction in her 1989 book Fear of Falling, expects the end result of a simultaneous embrace of Christmas and scuttling of consumerism will be.

She and other secular humanists might hope Christmas will eventually morph into a paid national holiday for circulating global warming petitions and unionizing Wal-Mart workers with gift buying limited to items praised on NPR programs and wine from fancy vineyards. It is consumerism, however, not class war enthusiasts and pretentious do-gooders, that has made the holiday one that transcends, without overshadowing, our religious differences. Leave behind capitalism with its multitude of niche markets and we will almost certainly be left with a much more Christ-centric holiday. Do secular humanists not remember how much they hated it when all anyone could talk about was The Passion?

Tags: easy go, truth (or something)
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If I get accosted by one more buxom 20-something woman trying to sell me skin care products, I’m going to scream.

Don’t get me wrong — I’m a guy, and there’s nothing wrong with looking… but you know the type I’m talking about. They lurk at the kiosks of your local mall, often wearing attractive clothing while sitting idly on their high chairs. When they see you walk by, they attempt to strike! An overly friendly sales pitch comes, and if they have their way, you’re walking off with $20 worth of herbal pillows, scented candles, or something else that probably winds up sitting in the back of a closet after one use.

As I found out when I did some last minute Christmas shopping, there are two such stands in my local gallery, the Stamford Town Mall. I previously knew about one at the left end of the mall because I let myself get suckered into the pitch a few weeks ago. While hustling to finish up before going on a trip, a lady of the mall suckered me in, scraping my nails and washing my hands for about 25 minutes before I finally gave in and bought a skin gel that I never opened. I vowed never to get suckered in again, and when I hit Pottery Barn this weekend to do some Christmas shopping, I hurried past the stand and thought I was in the clear.

I was free… at least until I was stopped on my way to the Barnes & Noble at the right end of the mall.

It was a different girl, but the m.o. was exactly the same. Low cut shirt, thick Israeli accent, attempting to sell me products born of materials taken from Nazareth or some other city with a holy reputation. She tried to give me her spiel, taking my hand and guiding me towards a cleaning bowl, but I quickly cut her off, saying that I’d already seen the demonstration. Her response? To give me a nail-cleaning demo that I also previously went through. I let her work, though I mentally checked out right around the time she asked me if I was going to buy something for my wife (I’m single). As soon as she brought up price, I bailed out by saying no and leaving for the B&N in one motion.

Victory was mine, but I am certain that another battle will arise soon.

Tags: easy go, his & hers
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Take a look at this miniscule* sample of Pork Barrel spending initiatives:

Representative Mike Thompson (D-Calif.) $211,509 in olive fruit fly research in Paris, France.

Representative Charles Rangel (D-N.Y.) $1,950,000 for the Charles B. Rangel Center for Public Service.

Montana Senators Max Baucaus (D) and Jon Tester (D) $148,950 for the Montana Sheep Institute.

Representative Ann Esshoo (D-Calif.) $1.6 million for the Allen Telescope Array.

Senator Richard Durbin (D-Ill.) $344,540 for the city of Chicago GreenStreets Tree Planting Program.

Maine Senators Susan Collins and Olympia Snowe (R), and Rep. Thomas Allen (D-Maine) for $188,000 for the Lobster Institute. [Read more →]

Tags: easy go, rulers & ruled
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OK. I admit it. For me, getting into the “Holiday spirit” this year has been more difficult than shoving a camel into a needle’s eye. Even though both my wife and I were raised in the Christian tradition, we do have Christmas lights, we do have an (artificial) tree, and we do have a bevy of berry-covered decorations, nothing is up yet. More, every trip to the grocery store and its continuous Holiday music gives me shivers. I’m actually tired of Bing Crosby and have begun, secretly, to hope for anything other than snow this season. So, go ahead if you want, call me “Scrooge.” I’ll just offer up another litany of humbugs.

But can you really blame me?

You see, this week, I packed up a box of personal belongings from my cell-like cubicle and made that confused walk to my car for the last drive home from work. I suspect, unless you’re really lucky, you’ve seen people clutching those small boxes packed with family photos and random mementos, and maybe you’ve even noticed that dazed look in their eyes. You know, the one that says, um, well, what now?

[Read more →]

Tags: books & writing, easy go
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If you are female, between 20 and 30 years old, of “appropriate weight for your height” and in very good health, you could qualify to earn up to $50,000 for your fertile eggs! Yes, there is a lot involved and a lot of restrictions will be placed on your life while awaiting the “transfer” — but this is the one time in a woman’s life where she can easily — and legally — earn more than a man.

Men get a mere $100 for their sperm. Yes, you clearly need both sperm and egg to make a baby, but obtaining donated sperm is a hell of a lot easier. Although men do need to go through a battery of tests and extensive questioning of their medical histories and their families’ medical histories, it is ultimately a lot simpler for a man to donate (i.e., a cup and a magazine with pictures of pretty girls or guys (whatever their preference)).

Understandably, in these tough economic times, a lot of women are looking into this option — as well as looking into the option of becoming a surrogate. At one hospital in Cleveland there is no longer a waiting list for egg donors (which in some cities have been longer than a year) and in California, the typical six-month wait to find a surrogate has disappeared completely. Some men have even been encouraging their wives to donate and increase the family purse. Of course, there are others who donate just to help someone else out.

Would you donate for cash? For me, I think it would depend on how strapped my family really was…

Tags: easy go, license to ill
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Showing just how delusional the American banking system really is, US Banking regulators are reporting that more than 50% of borrowers who received help with mortgage modifications are defaulting again after only six months.

According to statistics now available, 36% of borrowers who received mortgage assistance default again after only 3 months. This rate jumps to 53% after 6 months and 58% after 8 months.

Banking professionals claim that this is “surprising, and not in a good way.”

What? Really?

Did they think that people who were foolish enough to buy in to variable rate mortgages when there was no way they could afford to make payments if the rate actually did vary, were suddenly struck with a surfeit of fiscal responsibility and would be smart about their finances?

I suppose, to be fair, we could focus on the 48% who have not yet defaulted. Being the eternal optimist that I am, I am sure the failure numbers will be higher as we approach the 12 month mark.

I would love to see these geniuses run their plans past the Dragons for approval before they implement them!

Tags: easy go
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I didn’t want to pile on — the Petersons are having a tough time as it is, what with Annette losing her job at the end of the week and with bills that are “three and four weeks behind.” And I know that there are plenty of people losing jobs for reasons beyond their control. And I know that if we couldn’t afford to buy our son any presents this holiday season, we’d feel bad about it.

But then I saw this: “Last year, Peterson and her husband, who works as a graphic artist, spent about $600 on gifts for their 3-year-old daughter.”

Yes, $600. On presents. For one kid. A 3-year-old.

Annette is a hospital registration clerk. I don’t know what her husband was earning as a graphic artist, but since he’s looking for a second job at Walmart, it’s safe to assume that they are not millionaires. They’re behind on their bills even before Annette’s job disappears later this week. Maybe they had more money last year, maybe not, but either way, it is totally irresponsible to spend $600 on presents for a child when you’re having trouble paying bills or even when you’re not, unless you have a lot of money stashed away or you make a lot of money, way, way more than the Petersons make. And it isn’t in the child’s interests for a 3-year-old to be trained to expect mountains of presents. 

Look at our government and the endless bailouts and the pressure politicians put on lenders to give money to people who couldn’t pay it back and the growing entitlement mentality and the way people were spending the equity of their homes as if they had found free money. Are we a nation of $600-present-buying clerks? Are we 3-year-olds getting ready to throw a fit if there aren’t enough presents under the tree?

Update: Be sure to read the comments, as Annette Peterson has read my post and clarified her situation and explained that CNN did not accurately report this story. I will leave my post as it was originally written, trusting that the comments clarify the issue sufficiently. (And I hope it is clear that my point wasn’t really about the Petersons in the first place.)

Tags: easy go
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I understand renaming stadiums — for both the financial benefit to the company and the venue. More luxury boxes, new bathrooms, better facilities for the disabled, a retractable dome, an advertising reach in the millions (or billions), and a whole slew of other things. I don’t understand the need to rename a bridge in honor of a former New York senator and United States attorney general who, yes, sadly, was assassinated. If his family wanted to raise money to pay for the costs associated with the change I wouldn’t have as much of a problem with this; the man did serve our state and country. But I can’t understand why New Yorkers should have 4 million of their taxpayer dollars used toward this ridiculousness.

Yes… you read that correctly. It will cost $4 million to replace road signs so that The Triborough Bridge, which connects Queens, Manhattan, and the Bronx, can be called The Robert F. Kennedy Bridge. Even in good economic times this would be a stupid thing to do. And, as if to make it feel less absurd, the spokesman for the New York State Department of Transportation said he understands we are in tough economic times and he won’t put bids out to complete the transformation until 2011. In 2011 I still won’t want to spend $4 million dollars on this project. Just call the bridge what it is… The Tri - Borough!

I can think of lots of things the state can spend this money on. Is my ranting unwarranted? Does this make sense to you?

Tags: easy go
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You’ve all heard time and again how personal accountability has been thrown out the window and about the emerging nanny-state that is quickly gripping this country.  Since it has also been said that life imitates art, is it not appropriate to completely let the real people who are to blame off the hook and indict fictional characters who exhibit the kind of behavior or ideas that those real people are only imitating?  In this recurring column, I look to find the fake culprits from film, television, literature, etc. who have caused real world problems.   

The Credit and Financial Crisis

J. Wellington Wimpy (of Popeye The Sailor) – Described as intelligent and well educated but lazy and gluttonous, his burger addiction and need for instant gratification showed the world how to live beyond their immediate means, plunging the US into the current credit crunch.  “I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a Hamburger today,” easily translates into ”I’ll gladly pay you on the first of the each month for the next thirty years, although I have no verifiable income, for this half million dollar home, which only two years ago cost $100,000, in an ‘up and coming’ area of town with no money down today.”  Just like the home that is no longer worth the amount of the loan, a burger has no value once it passes through the digestive system, unless of course it was one of those gilded burgers you see on Fine Living TV.  But I don’t think the kind of places Wimpy was frequenting were serving burgers with golden flakes.

Further evidence against Wimpy was that the way he got away with his many scams was by using false names and placating those he defrauded by promising future payment, then reneging.  The connection to recent revelations about the housing bubble is clear. Replace the aggrieved restaurant owner, patron or other dupe with Lehman Brothers or Bear Stearns and you’ve got the makings of the current credit crisis.  Life imitates art and we all get to suffer. 

Thanks, Wimpy, for plunging us into a global depression.  We all look forward to you paying off your debts, the Tuesday after hell freezes over.

Do you have a real world problem that may have been caused by a fictional character?  Feel the need to defend a fictional character that has been erroneosly charged with causing one? Let me know in the comment section or email me your suggestions at jgoldowsky [symbol for AT] whenfallsthecoliseum.com. I’m ready to believe you.  

Tags: Joshua Goldowsky blames a fictional character, easy go
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My husband and I talk about saving money all the time. A Rainy Day Fund. A New Roof Fund. A Mexico or Bust Fund. But we never do it. Saving money is hard. It’s like losing weight. It’s the type of thing that would be so much easier if you did it with a friend. But saving money with a friend? Preposterous! I’ve learned over the years it’s not a good idea to mix money with friends or family. Don’t go into business. Avoid giving out loans that you will inevitably need to ask for back. Money is the great evil monster that tramples friendships.

I think, however, that I’ve been proven wrong. My babysitter told me that she and nine friends each save a $100 a week together — for a payoff of $1,000 a week. My babysitter is from Guyana and her nine friends are from Trinidad. They are all female care-takers who met in my neighborhood, at the park, while tending to someone else’s children. One person is in charge of collecting $100, cash, each week from every woman participating. The $1,000 collected goes to a different woman each week. And every tenth week my babysitter gets her share.

OMG. I flood her with questions… Are you kidding? You trust these women? What if you are short one week and simply don’t have $100 to contribute? Is there a contract? How do you know the woman in charge won’t run off with your money? [Read more →]

Tags: easy go
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Posting calories in fast food restaurants was only the beginning. Fortunately, New York City is flush with cash and Wall Street is far away and the financial crisis and lost jobs will not lower local tax revenues in the slightest, and the city’s schools and other municipal services and infrastructure have all the funding they require. Taxpayers won’t mind that the ”city Health Department is expanding its healthy-eating campaign with subway ads that say most adults should limit themselves to 2,000 calories [a] day” and that point out just how many calories are in that giant burrito you want for lunch. An excellent use of public funds, especially since the AP reports that “officials are betting people will eat fewer calories if they know how many they should consume.” This campaign can’t possibly fail:

Natalia Kaplan, of Queens, said she hadn’t noticed the poster directly behind her on an E train featuring that 1,170-calorie burrito, but she approved of the campaign.

“It makes you aware,” said Kaplan, who said she pays close attention to the calorie information fast-food chains are now required to provide.

“If I go to Dunkin’ Donuts, I look at the calories, and I try to take the least-calorie doughnut,” she said.

Kaplan didn’t even notice the ad that was directly behind her, but she approved of the campaign because “it makes you aware.” I love that. Also, she tries to “take the least-calorie donut.” I think, America, we’re really turning a corner on the obesity thing. Thank you, New York.

Tags: Pitney patrol, easy go
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You’re trying to stay in a budget. You’ve blown all the money on fun-size Three Musketeers bars, but you still have a party to throw. Every year there’s more cool stuff for Halloween than ever — is it even possible to decorate for less than $100?

How about $5.53?

With a can or two of black spray paint and a keen sense of irony, you can make oddly creepy decor. Start with weird crap in your storeroom — a vase with fake flowers, a doll crib with or without the accompanying Cabbage Patch, crocheted toilet roll doilies, any kind of tacky knick-knack — the cuter and dumber the better. Spray the hell out of it.

Step two: find more ugly-cute crap and make it . . . wrong. Rub ashes on the clown painting. Spatter blood/paint on the kitchen goose plaque. Break fifteen Flintstones jelly glasses, just slightly, and arrange them in a kind of shrine to killer kitsch. Put the banality in evil. The pièce de résistance — black Christmas wreathes. Hell, paint a damn pine tree and drag it in, draped with bloody butcher’s twine. Then arrange it like any ordinary demented, homicidal housewife.

You’ve got your funereal, your snark, your unholy wedding of Martha Stewart and Edward Gorey. It will look highly creative, a quality prized by true Halloweenies, and also deeply disturbing. And it’s five freaking bucks, plus everything you can sneak out of Grandma’s garage, which, honestly, needed cleaning out.

Send Ruby a picture of your nastiest (PG-13) decorative work and you may see it published on this blog on Halloween. Or send me your questions about life, love, work, or money.

Tags: advice for the rest of us by Ruby Mac, easy go
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Paula: One thing I appreciated about George Bush’s speech last week about the government bailout was the effort to explain the crisis in simple terms. Part of what bothers me so much about the financial crisis is that I don’t understand it, something that I feel particularly insecure about. I don’t even know how to ask the questions required in understanding it.

  Robert: As a former newspaper reporter, I can say that reporters live for the challenge of making anything more understandable. I think the science writers sometimes have the hardest time. But this subprime mess has reporters utterly struggling to make sense of it for a general audience. I listen to “market place,” an excellent NPR business show, and they talk about struggling to understand the crisis, not just to explain it. [Read more →]

Tags: conversations with Paula and Robert, easy go
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Cheap Thrill #1
There it is. Forty bucks. Art history. Cooking sushi. Walking tours of the veteran’s cemetery. What-ever. Throw a pot. Build an Adirondack. Channel your chi with chai.

Throw away your J. Jills, your Lillian Vernons, your SkyMalls, and open just one catalog this season, the Community Education catalog. Then pick anything you want — anything.

It feels like a splurge, but there’s no shop in town that will give you as much bang for your buck. What good is another cheap Old Navy turtleneck, when what you really want — deep down — is to make perfect buttercream rosettes? Some nutcase out there wants to show you how, for next to nothing.

Community ed. Not only do you get a cheap night out, new friends, and possibly a clay ashtray or wobbly pine stepstool that you can give as a holiday gift to some long-suffering relative, but you can write the whole thing off as self-improvement. Maybe the next love of your life is out there right now, writing a check for six weeks of Beginning Fencing. Haven’t you always wanted to fence? What are you waiting for?

Ask Ruby for advice

Tags: advice for the rest of us by Ruby Mac, easy go
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Is it right for a woman to hate on a guy just because he lives at home?

According to a recent survey conducted by the New York Post, 52 percent of women said that they would not date a man who was living at home. I’m not defending those kinds of guys because I was one of them as recently as early May of 2007, but rather because it’s simply not fair.

Look at the economic climate that this country is dealing with. In many situations, people of both genders are being forced to stay home for financial reasons — anyone who chooses to live there and avoid paying rent or mortgages is making the smart call. Some men might have family issues to deal with that are easier to manage when they live at home. There are plenty of well-educated, well-adjusted, bright men with great futures who simply do not have the resources to get off the ground at present time. Women can’t use the privacy as a crutch to stand on either… if sexual urges hit, why can’t they simply go back to her place?

For the record, paying rent really is a bear when you’re 26…unless you work for Bear Stearns or something, and judging by the Dow’s recent performance, more than a few comfortable folks should be tightening their belts right about now.

Tags: easy go, his & hers
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Prior to this past Saturday, it had been awhile since I’d flown — over a couple of years to be exact. My streak of being landlocked changed when I decided to visit my friend Diane out in Chicago to take in a Cubs game at Wrigley Field, arguably the most historic sporting venue in our country, albeit one without championship pedigree. I flew out on JetBlue, breezing through security and into the waiting gate in less than 20 minutes, proving that it does pay to travel light and I’m not just talking about those extra fees either.

I sat down on the plane to get comfortable with my complementary television and self-provided headphones when I was surprised to hear what the captain said about beverage service. Naturally, the alcoholic beverages on the flight would be available for purchase, but he said that the flight… did not accept cash.

Come again? Since when is any business in America, especially one involved in the struggling airline business, in a position to refuse taking money?  I’m not sure what the logistics behind it are, though maybe there’s a good reason for it. However, let’s be serious. If a passenger wants to pay their hard-earned currency and hand it over, who is the airline to refuse? It sounds slightly ridiculous. I’ve heard of places like bodegas and delis saying that they accept “cash only,” but this is the first time I’ve ever seen “plastic only” come into play.

There was no alcohol in my future, though. I ordered a free ginger ale… which the flight attendant forgot to bring me.

Tags: easy go
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I was at Lowes today with my son buying a new faucet for the bathroom when a guy tried to scam me. He was a young guy, short hair, wearing some team’s sports jersey. I don’t know why he thought I’d be an easy mark. He came close to me and my shopping cart and, in a low voice, like he had a valuable secret to share, asked if I would do him a favor. His wife was waiting outside, and they were low on gas, and he was in a hurry, so would I mind buying my stuff with this gift card he had? He showed it to me. [Read more →]

Tags: easy go, on the law
2 Comments »

We all have our horror stories about lousy customer service. My most recent was when my husband and I were standing in line at an office supply store. The clerk was yapping into her cell phone while scanning our purchases. Without so much as a word or a glance in our direction, she managed to bag our items, take our money, and hand us our receipt. Her name tag identified her as the assistant manager. [Read more →]

Tags: all work, easy go
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Since this is my first blog, let me start by saying I am not a blogger. At one time I had a website of my own and I posted some rants, but never in a real blog format and not with any real regularity. This blog will be my baptism by fire and I hope you will bear with me as I learn the ropes.

Now that the disclaimers are out of the way, let me continue my inaugural post by thanking my host, Scott Stein. I have always been interested in writing, in sharing ideas with others and, as I mentioned earlier, had made a couple of attempts to share my rambling with the world. Scott came along and scooped me out of obscurity, giving me a place to post in a forum that is actually seen! The inclusion of several of my articles in his WFTC book was a real high point for me.

Thanks, Scott.

Harley Davidson’s Latest Ad Blitz

The Harley Davidson Motor Company recently launched a new ad campaign that is generating buzz around the country, both positive and negative.

One advertising blog touts Harley’s efforts to “build genuine relationships with their customers” while another ad blog derides the company, calling it “massively out of touch”. Yet another blog even says the new campaign “Challenges Prophets of Economic Doom”

The campaign is targeted at the young crowd and encourages the 20-somethings to ignore the current economic situation and purchase an often outrageously overpriced motorcycle, outfit it with the latest, definitely overpriced, chrome do-dads, and “Screw it, just ride.” [Read more →]

Tags: easy go, trusted media
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