A Saudi judge has refused to annul an arranged marriage between an 8-year-old girl and a 47-year-old man on the grounds that the mother, who requested the annulment, did not have legal custody of the child. The father gave the girl to the man to pay a debt.

I was ready to launch into a rant about how slavery is apparently legal in Saudi Arabia and maybe would have taken a shot at those cultural relativists who argue that, given how flawed America and its history is, we have no right to judge other cultures by our Western standards. But then I read this sentence in the CNN article and understood that there was nothing, really, that needed to be said beyond the facts:

The judge did ask for a pledge from the husband, who was in court, not to consummate the marriage until the girl reaches puberty…

Tags: diatribes, his & hers
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So my wife and I tried to return a few things to Babies R’ Us that were given to us off of our baby registry: nothing was opened,  everything brand new, and still being sold in the store and online for the same retail price. We had all the gift receipts. The stuff was bought in June, and now it’s December, and we had no idea that there was this new hard-line ‘nothing-can-be-returned-after-90-days’ policy because on the gift receipt it says “Easy Returns.” Well, not so much… [Read more →]

Tags: diatribes
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I’m not the first one to say it, but I’m probably the first to say it here:

Hey, actors: put some water or something in those empty take-out coffee cups you’re holding, and stop winging them around like you really wouldn’t. Another tip: you can’t gulp it down that hot.

For the umpteenth time, my wife and I have been distracted by your flailing. Please, someone put a stop to this. New rule: You must have liquid in your acting-cup.

Tags: art & entertainment, diatribes
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A few days ago, I had to drive through the night to get from a client meeting in one distant city to an early-morning meeting in another city hundreds of miles away.  (It was a little too close for flying.)  It was about 9:00 in the evening and, because I was driving through farm country, it was pitch black, with hardly any other cars on the highway. 

I love the peaceful feeling of driving long distances alone at night, and I was listening to the Pretenders; all was right with the world.  Until the bright red “Oil Warning” light popped on. 

This is where the scam began. 

As most drivers know, the Oil Warning light is not something you ever want to see.  As I’ve always understood it, it doesn’t mean you merely need to add some oil, or change your oil; it means that due to a failure of the oil pump or a punctured oil pan, you have no oil pressure at all, and if you don’t stop the car very soon, the engine could seize up and be ruined.   In fact, the light on my dashboard didn’t just say “Warning.”   Under the icon of the Aladdin’s Lamp-shaped oil can with a single drop at its tip, there was a bold black statement that commanded me to “EXIT NOW.”

So I did, after about ten anxious minutes of searching for the next highway exit.  And found myself in a nearly deserted hamlet called Prophetstown.  The only businesses open were a convenience store and a tavern, so I pulled in to the parking lot of the store and popped the hood (although, because my car was a rental, it took me 20 solid minutes of hunting to find the hood release latch, recessed so far back under the steering wheel that I had to get on my knees to locate it in the dark.) 

Then I went into the store and borrowed a flashlight so I could locate the oil dipstick.  Naturally, the weather was near freezing.  Meanwhile, the helpful clerk behind the counter was nice enough to look up the roadside assistance number for my car rental company. 

While waiting for her to find the number I double-checked the owner’s manual to make sure I wasn’t over-reacting.  Not at all, according to the manual: It confirmed that the light didn’t mean merely that the car was low on oil, but rather that catastrophic engine damage was imminent and that the car had to be towed to a repair shop immediately.  In fact, the manual explicitly said not to attempt to drive the car under any circumstances.  I began contemplating finding a Motel Six somewhere in the area and missing my meeting the next morning, which was still hundreds of miles away.  [Read more →]

Tags: diatribes
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Ok, enough already. 

Enough with malls putting up Christmas decorations before Halloween. 

It’s insulting enough to somehow suggest cheap tinsel horns and stars* mounted to parking poles will swing my attention away from driving past the mall enough to make me realize, “hey, I need to shop,” if I didn’t already. It’s insulting to think it’s OK for giant ornaments strung from the rafters to take precedence over and crush the meaning from my kids’ (and my own) anticipation of Halloween and Thanksgiving.

Anyone remember Thanksgiving decorations?

Halloween is kinda silly, though, so I’ll say this: Let me and my children look forward to Thanksgiving — a holiday that holds some sentimental nostalgia — without steamrollering it into a mental wasteland by making my kids think they’re getting toys any second now.

If they’re so effective, Malls, then just leave them up year-round. I suppose there has been some psychological study that says it’s effective. But I bet they haven’t figured out what happens if you just beat people over the head with it. I’d love it if everyone got jaded and went back to bed instead of waiting in lines at 4:30 in the morning to buy this year’s Kick Me Elmo.

I know, you say, “But you don’t have to shop at the mall. It’s free speech.”** And I don’t, and it is. 

But we do go to the mall. It’s still in very poor taste.

Appoint me King. I’ll fix it.

*Yeah, there’s Channukah too. But let’s face it: we don’t get overrun with giant dreidels. Not as much, anyway.

**Maybe you don’t say this. Someone does, though. 

Tags: diatribes, if I were king...
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“I wonder who made this mess with the same kind of food I just cooked.”

“This is probably mine.”  

“My room is where dishes go.”   

“It is the future and ice trays refill themselves.”   

“Our TV has a sensor on it that knows when you leave the room.”

“Dishes are transported from the sink to the dishwasher through a magical process no one can fully understand.”

“Everyone likes dance music.”

“I wonder where these paper towels always come from.”

“I don’t know why people buy laundry detergent when they can just use the bottles that grow out of the laundry machine for free.”

“When you brush crumbs onto the ground they disappear.”

“If I take only one beer from you every day, when it comes down to it, it’s really like I’m not taking any.”

“We live in such a good neighborhood that we don’t need to lock our doors.”

“Why does the trash always disappear on Monday?”  

Tags: diatribes, ends & odd
7 Comments »

How many times have you gone into a parking lot and been annoyed by a car taking up two spots? Seriously, it makes my blood boil… and I am a relatively calm person. But if I am in a hurry (which is basically all the time) or I have a car load of kids or I just don’t feel like walking an extra two rows, I do consider (but have never done it) running my key along the side of the precious vehicle in my potential spot. Is it really that difficult to get between two lines?

I know some people don’t park that way intentionally — but completely unforgivable are those obvious offenders who feel they deserve to take up two spots in order to safeguard their car from potential disaster.

I’ve found my solution to those inconsiderate when parking their cars. I Park Like An Idiot bumper stickers. Genius!

I have the guts to order them… just not sure I would have the guts to slap one on a car. Would you?

Hat Tip to Entertainment Buzz on CafeMom.

Tags: diatribes
8 Comments »

I didn’t watch the first Obama-McCain debate. I didn’t watch the Palin-Biden debate — I caught maybe a minute or two by accident, then immersed myself in a vat of rubbing alcohol and promptly burned my clothes. I don’t intend to watch the next Obama-McCain debate if I can help it. And I probably can.

There are people who think it’s irresponsible to not watch the debates. “It’s your duty as a citizen to inform yourself.” Bullshit. I know what I need to know about all the jackasses running for president and vice-president. Their rehearsed sound bites aren’t going to tell me anything I don’t already know. The moderators’ dumb questions aren’t going to tell me anything I don’t already know. The evasions and half-truths and rhetorical flourishes aren’t going to tell me anything I don’t already know. And let’s stop calling them debates — they’re debates the way this is a Philly cheesesteak.

Most people I know watching these debates are doing so for entertainment, so they can poke fun at Palin for not answering the question and for winking or so they can catch Biden telling us all how great he is — it’s prep for them, so they’ll get the next opening sketch on Saturday Night Live. They watch so they can nod knowingly when they read that McCain didn’t look at Obama during the first debate. So they will have something to blog about. So they won’t feel left out of office chit-chat the next day. It’s the Super Bowl, without the excitement of a wardrobe malfunction. Most people are watching to have their views reinforced, so they can be even more confident that the other side is evil and stupid, so they can feel more secure in their moral and intellectual superiority. Those are reasons to watch, I’ll grant, and what people do for their own amusement and ego and to fit in with the crowd is their concern, not mine. Nothing wrong with entertainment. But don’t pretend that you’re being a responsible citizen by watching the debates, and I won’t pretend that I’m being a responsible citizen by watching The Amazing Race.

Tags: diatribes, rulers & ruled
4 Comments »

I found myself in a mini-mall in Des Moines, Iowa earlier today and happened to notice the following hand-lettered sign in the window of a Thai restaurant:

 We Now Offer Sushi!  Delivery Too!

As someone whose definition of happiness is sharing a large platter of sushi and a couple of Sapporos with one or more good friends, this sign bothered me for any number of reasons.

First, people, it was a Thai restaurant.  Would you eat sushi at a German restaurant? Then what is it that makes a Thai restaurant any more plausible as a vendor of raw fish, seaweed, and rice, other than the fact that Japan and Thailand are both in Asia, albeit many thousands of miles and radically different cultural and culinary traditions apart?

Second, the sign was scrawled in black magic marker.  At restaurants that specialize in sushi, the chefs train for years.  For some reason, the unwilligness of this restaurant to invest 29 bucks in a professionally printed sign suggested to me a rather shorter training period, and a decidedly less rigorous dedication to quality.  [Read more →]

Tags: diatribes, recipes & food
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So, we’re on our way to get a couple of Cuban sandwiches yesterday, and suddenly hear on the radio that it’s National Family Health & Fitness Day. We didn’t do anything healthy or fit yesterday. Did I mention, we were going to get Cuban sandwiches? Later, we see on TV that the upcoming week is ABC’s National Stay-at-Home Week. We’re not planning to stay at home, because even though we watch some ABC shows, we have a DVR, so we can come and go as we please. Who makes up these national and international days and what’s the point unless there are some teeth behind the idea, to enforce it? Don’t declare national and international days of anything unless you have the power to make it so. Either we do things as a mob, or we just do them when fancy strikes, as individuals. Like the International Talk Like a Pirate Day that we apparently just missed. Well, we didn’t talk like pirates that day, so it’s not international, is it, because we weren’t part of it, and we are an integral part of the world population. If you’re going to nationalize and internationalize, do it properly, with some muscle, to make sure everybody participates.

My husband says that anyone can declare any day a national or international day of anything, and that I could declare an International Cuban Sandwich Day, if I wanted to. Well, maybe I would, if I had an international army big enough to help me force a Cuban sandwich down the throats of everybody in the world, including vegans and carbophobes. He also said something about instituting an International Gimme a Dollar Day, but I think there are too many people in the world who don’t have a dollar, so that’s just unrealistic.

Since I don’t have an international army to back me up, anyone is welcome to make their own Cuban sandwich, the way they make it at the Cuba Bakery in Union City:

Cuban bread, fluffy and crusty
mayonnaise
slices of Genoa salami (apparently, that makes the sandwich Miami-style, but we don’t mind)
slices of roast pork loin

Cut the bread lengthwise, spread enough mayonnaise on the halves just to moisten, lay the salami on the bottom half, then the pork, cover with the top half, heat through (like an Italian panino) in a sandwich press. Cut in halves crosswise, on a slant. Never mind the health and fitness — Cuban sandwiches aren’t slimming.

Tags: diatribes, recipes & food
4 Comments »

Two Salt Lake City sisters, Sadie, 9, and Pyper, 7, protested high gas prices after the family canceled its cable TV to save money because of rising fuel costs. As the AP describes it, cable TV was one of the “budget-cutting casualties” (emphasis mine) and it left the sisters “without their favorite cartoons and shows.” It’s worse than living in Darfur. [Read more →]

Tags: diatribes, sticks & stones
7 Comments »

When I have it in abundance there is no moderation. I’m an addict. I drink one, then another, and another until it is gone within a few hours. I can’t even begin to fathom the amount of money I have spent on it over the years. Now it seems my children have inherited my addiction. We buy by the case. Multiple cases, actually — in three or four different flavors. [Read more →]

Tags: blood, diatribes
1 Comment »

My wife is 8 months pregnant and she looks it. We live in New York City, with over 8 million people, but big belly and all she somehow becomes invisible when we walk on the street or take a bus or ride the subway. I become invisible too, even though I’m usually the only 6’2, 235 lb. Chinese man within a 100 foot radius. (Of course there might be another giant Chinese guy 101 or 102 feet away, but that’s too far for me to see.)

But this isn’t about me — this is about my wife, and how blind people are to pregnant women; and even worse, when people actually do see a pregnant woman, how rude they can consciously and purposefully be. [Read more →]

Tags: diatribes, his & hers
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