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creative writing

Kelly Conaboy, beautiful and influential humorist, dies at 101

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Kelly Conaboy, beautiful woman and writer of many popular humorous novels and television shows and movies that everyone loved, died Saturday at one of her homes in a scenic part of Europe. She was 101.

Her daughter, Kelley Conaboy, confirmed the death Sunday morning, reporting that her mother had died of her own will. Not like a suicide, really, because — let me explain. Kelly had spent her last 76 years in her 25-year-old body, except slightly taller and without the health problems, after ingesting something (?) by accident in 2012 that allowed this to happen. It was like Tuck Everlasting, except she was able to kill herself whenever she wanted. So I guess it was pretty much like a suicide. [Read more →]

creative writing

What to do when you don’t know what to do

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There are times in a person’s life when a person simply does not know what to do. “Maybe I should just die,” a person might think. “Nothing matters anyway and I offer little to nothing to the rest of humanity. At worst I am a drain and at best, a slightly smaller drain.”

While this is true, there are certainly a few things a person can do to pass the time before their inevitable and welcomed death. [Read more →]

creative writing

Detective serial novel set at Drexel University

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I recently participated in the writing of a serial novel with some colleagues at Drexel University. Maybe it’s not a “novel.” It’s a bit short for that. There are eight chapters by eight authors and they will be published at DPG Online over the next four weeks. The project is called Turning the Page and is a sometimes-comedic detective mystery story set in and around Drexel University and Philadelphia. If you like detective yarns, some silliness, and the incorporation of books, authors, and English departments into the plots of stories, Turning the Page is for you. Chapter 1 is now published. I am the author of Chapter 5, coming out in a couple of weeks. But you’ll want to read the chapters leading up to it if there’s to be any chance of my chapter making sense to you when it is published. Enjoy.

creative writing

My country music education: I exercise my own “Hillbilly Bone” and write a country song

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There is a type of music that holds much appeal to the rural working person, also known as the people of the soil. It is called “country” music, exemplified by the likes of such classic performers as those who appeared on the television program “Hee Haw,” and of Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson. To be honest, this type of music is not my forte; my tastes tend toward whatever is being played in Starbucks, although I did purchase the Taylor Swift CD after Ken Tucker gave it a positive review on “Fresh Air” with Terry Gross.

The first time I popped that CD into the player, I was surprised at the reaction it received from my poodle bitch. She is a quite refined and at times aloof dog, yet she seemed enchanted by the melodies. She listens to it quite often now. [Read more →]

creative writing

Restraint

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You are walking down the street, minding your own business when a strange vehicle, driven by some kind of diminutive fish pulls up next to you. The vehicle is roughly half your size. You feel a pinprick of pain in your neck, and then, you black out.

You come to, briefly, to discover that you are immobilized, held in a net, and somehow, thousands of feet above your city. It is a disorienting, emotionally distressing moment and you pass out again. [Read more →]

creative writing

The Unit Upgrade

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Author’s note: This little story will only make any kind of sense if you’ve played the digital crack strategy game called Civilization …

“Mr. President, we have to talk about the unit.”

“What unit, Minister?”

“Remember the regiment that was forgotten in the Peltarsh Mountains?” [Read more →]

creative writing

Dance with the Bull, part I, fiction by Paul Davis

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I was told that Lieutenant Edwin Fay was thrilled with being a naval intelligence officer back in 1964. James Bond-mania was in full swing and Fay was a big fan of the novels and films.

Fay was pleased to learn that his true-life hero, the late President John F. Kennedy, a World War II naval officer, was also a fan of the novels and once dined with Bond’s creator, Ian Fleming. [Read more →]

creative writing

The last days of Kafka

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The old train sputtered at such a slow speed that a fast walker could’ve easily overtaken it. Inside one of the cars, a tall, frail man with a ghost-like complexion looked around and noticed that the only passengers remaining were others just like him — men half-alive — men taking their final journey. He almost expected Charon to walk through the door and lead them the rest of the way. He even reached into his pocket for a one-heller coin, just in case. [Read more →]

creative writing

A Short History of Groundhog Day

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On February 2, it is customary in Canada and the United States to celebrate an annual tradition wherein we allow a chubby burrowing rodent to forecast the weather. This is an important ritual, but not for the reason that many people think.

Many believe this “holiday” can be traced back to an ancient pagan ritual called Imbolc, which was duly adopted by early Christians and turned into Candlemas. (This means Mass of the Candles, in which the clergy would perform ear candling on the most hairy-eared and disgusting member of each parish, in a metaphorical recreation of the time when Jesus performed the Ear Candling of Jergomethia, cleaning the aural canals of a score of waxy hermits, and curing them of their deafness.) [Read more →]

creative writing

An ox in the house

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Early in the morning a police car sped through our nation’s capital with its sirens blaring. A casual observer might’ve believed that it was in pursuit of some local miscreant; that is, until this observer could see that a car was actually pursuing it — a dark sedan, from which men were shooting intermittently. [Read more →]

creative writing

Shock therapy: don’t try this at home

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It was during the first hour of 2010 that I resolved to visit my friend Monty Gelstein in the hospital as often as possible. He won’t know I’m there, but I will. And hopefully that good karma will assuage the guilt I feel for putting him there in the first place. I’d never administered electroshock therapy and should have practiced a bit before treating my best friend. [Read more →]

creative writing

Thanksgiving dreams: kamikaze turkeys and human sacrifice

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When the phone rang at 3:30 this morning, my first reaction was to throw it at the wall. Then I realized that a phone call in the middle of the night, just a few hours removed from an embarrassment of Thanksgiving gluttony, could only signal tragedy.

“Dude, we’re fucked! We’re all going to die!”

It was my friend Monty Gelstein, a bit of a paranoid but not usually one to declare an emergency.

“Good,” I said. “Is it the giant asteroid?”

“I’m serious, man! I think the turkeys were poisoned!”

“Yeah, well, I’m a vegetarian, so …” [Read more →]

creative writing

Too long for an epitaph; too short for a eulogy.

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These hands are stony patient hands
Not sedimentary stone, laid bit on cautious bit by the langourous
limestone waters.

No, these hands lived hot and liquid happy
Not knowing they were hands; ignorant and igneous
Till the ceiling broke and they learned up
And they learned cold.
And they knew hard.
And learned that they were hands, pick-handle raw
And learned to roll a cigarette
With no paper or fill
Nor lips to puff or lungs to burn.
They learned to rest and ache and split.
And hold another hand, though callous numbed.
They learned early and they learned coffee.
And dug and dug a mile down or two.
And said finally, this grave ain’t deep but we are through digging.

creative writing

The Blue Light, 2011

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After his injury in the war, his leaders told the soldier, “thanks for your service, but we don’t need you anymore.” The soldier was sent home, without much help, or rehab, and no occupation, that was for sure. So he got work doing odd jobs for an economist; some days he’d dig holes, other days he’d pick up garbage at the side of the road and sell it to the economist; it was just enough to live on, but not enough to improve his situation. [Read more →]

creative writing

In defense of Canada geese: golf course hunters to be hunted

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While the execution of terrorist Canada geese continues in New York City, a planned execution of the birds was recently approved by the City Council in Rochester, Indiana, according to a story in the Rochester Sentinel. Allegedly, Canada geese are a threat to golfers, and the course itself, at the Round Barn Golf Club at Mill Creek. So, with the blessing of city officials in hand, club pro Lyle Lingenfelter plans to have police officers shoot the terrorist geese. What Lingenfelter and the cops don’t know is that a quartet of golfing animal rights activists is planning to thwart the execution. [Read more →]

creative writing

Blogger dies of exposure

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LONDON, ONTARIO (When Falls the Coliseum) — Yesterday the writer of the popular blog, Prawned! was found draped across his keyboard, unconscious.

Patrick Jones, aka Dedred S., was pronounced dead at the scene by the medical examiner.
[Read more →]

creative writing

Twitterpocalypse

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Writer’s note: Username links do not work, but others do. Readers may prefer to start this short story at the chronological beginning, but I recommend starting here:

dottedline

landinggroup oneLandingPartyONE Displeased we did not demolish Twitter servers instead of using them. Activate sterilization protocol.

less than 5 seconds ago from TweeterProbe
[Read more →]

creative writing

Stray thought one

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Every time I see an advertisement for ShamWOW I wonder if M.A.D. wasn’t so mad after all.

creative writing

On crime & thrillers: “The Big Move,” fiction by Paul Davis

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Dominic Fortino was forced to serve out many after school detentions in the school’s small library.

Fortino was ordered to detention again on this particular day due to his attempt to push Mr. Pidot’s desk out of a second story classroom window.

[Read more →]

creative writing

Poetry, patience, and rage

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I discovered a magazine review of one of my poems for the first time this week, nearly twenty years after the review was published.  It was like coming across a $10 bill crumpled up in the pocket of some long-ago thrift-store corduroys that had not only been forgotten, but had slipped to the bottom of the closet and been buried under sedimentary layers of old sweaters and worn-out shoes.  What happened between the review’s appearance and my discovery of it is a small story of failure, rage, and acceptance.    [Read more →]

creative writing

Rebranding Thor in the Age of Facebook

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The account rep jumped right into it: “we’re thrilled to have your account, but I’m afraid your numbers are down since our initial chat.”

“You’re kiddin’ me.”

“I’m afraid not, and I don’t want to sugar-coat it,” the lead consultant said.  “We always get our best results when we start with an honest appraisal of the landscape.”  She switched the projector on, and started her presentation: “according to our research, belief in you is down to less than a fraction of one percent.” [Read more →]

creative writing

When Sally Met Suzy

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Sally did not meet Suzy in a large auditorium where a nominal, fifty-dollar fee was charged. That pink event saved breast-cancer patients in Africa even as it rescued American women with professional degrees. But Sally met Suzy on the shelf of book. At a location near you, she saw all the other consumers attending to this section of the store, and she knew she ought to go there too. Wherever the others are, go there. Just because you would never go to that section doesn’t make it wrong, and if millions of purchasers were leaving the Super Bookstore in a state of euphoria, it couldn’t only be the cinnamon chai latte or French press at work. [Read more →]

creative writing

Ephemera

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This is my first post by Blackberry, so bear with me. I’m waiting for an award ceremony to begin. My daughter Alice, 18 next month, is about to receive several Scholastics awards for her artwork. She takes in stride what has me about to burst, as though it’s up to me to enjoy the moment on her behalf. That’s what parents do, right? Well, there’s a lot more to it and this poem (written years ago) says it better.

EPHEMERA
 
How many evenings in ten years;
most spent—reading aloud, listening—
trying to be conscious of their joy?
 
Today one child is still only ten.
The other is only, still only five.
Time disappears into their growing.
 
Sometimes you think that even
to be conscious is not enough—
then you despair, like a castaway,
 
fingers cupped on the sea’s edge,
afraid to sip when it is the whole sea
you are dying, dying to drink.

creative writing

Bloomberg’s voluntary War on Salt making it hard to write satire

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I thought I wrote a satire. My novel Mean Martin Manning, as a satire, exaggerated certain realities for the purposes of entertaining readers and criticizing a prevalent attitude among politicians and bureaucrats and too many citizens. One of these realities is the American nanny state, the growing government involvement in and regulation of the everyday personal and health decisions of citizens, always for their own good, of course. Almost weekly, something in the news makes my exaggerations seem not all that exaggerated.

New York’s Mayor Bloomberg appears to be on a mission to make my satire into, not a satire of an exaggerated near-future, but a humorous and critical conveying of the present, actual reality. Don’t believe me? Consider Bloomberg’s newest idea, the War on Salt. If you’re familiar with my novel and Caseworker Alice Pitney, I ask you, in the below, couldn’t you replace “Thomas Frieden” with “Caseworker Pitney”?  

Thomas Frieden, the city’s health commissioner, said he wants manufacturers and restaurants to join the war on salt voluntarily. If they don’t, the city could pass legislation making it the law.

In other words, “Volunteer or we’ll pass a law that forces you to volunteer.” If I wrote that, readers would recognize it as satire, an exaggeration of government bullying, and maybe even accuse me of being unsubtle. In fact, reflecting the proposals by some to require community service of all citizens, and the service some schools require of their students, I did write something very much like that.

In Chapter 36 of Mean Martin Manning, Caseworker Pitney informs Martin Manning and the rest of the group that they will be spending the day volunteering [Read more →]

creative writing

Zero Tolerance

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Team Leader signaled the sniper to take up position. He hoped to God he wouldn’t have to use him. It was always worst with the young ones. High schools and middle schools were bad enough, and the elementary school last week was a horror story, so many wasted lives barely begun. Even that was nothing compared to today. [Read more →]

creative writing

The story of a story: “The Stacker”

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I wrote “The Stacker” when I was 23. It’s the first real story I ever wrote. (It’s also the first story I had accepted for publication, though not the first to be published, but I’ll talk about that later.) I’d written other stuff as an undergraduate at the University of Miami, where I majored in creative writing, but nothing I would call a story. As an undergrad fiction writer, mainly I flopped around, like a fish on a boat.

After I graduated I took a job with a small advertising agency in New York City. I answered phones when I started there, but pretty soon was writing copy for ads and brochures for toys and dog toys and wine — including Louis Jadot and Taittinger champagne.

I was going to New York University at night, after writing the dog toy copy all day. In my final term at NYU, I was working on my master’s thesis on Kafka’s short stories. For a couple of months I think I thought I was Kafka.

That same semester I decided to apply for MFA programs. I hadn’t written a word of fiction since getting my BA, nearly two years earlier. But MFA applications required creative writing samples. Besides, if I was going to be a fiction writer, at some point it figured that I’d have to write some fiction.

I wrote “The Stacker” over a couple of nights. With some distance now from its creation, I see three influences on this story. [Read more →]

creative writing

Tennessee’s Tragic Muse

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Here in Chicago, the Steppenwolf Theatre Company is currently mounting a well-reviewed “Young Adult’s Production” of The Glass Menagerie, which raises the question, “what production of The Glass Menagerie is not for young adults?” 

I don’t mean this at all facetiously, because there is no more poetic and poignant play in the American canon, and its status as an American literary classic is very much merited.  

But when I saw a production some years ago at the Stratford Shakespeare Festival, it struck me that, as gloomy as the play’s portrait of the repressed and crippled Laura Wingfield might be, it represents a kind of wish-fulfillment on the part of Tennessee Williams, a determinedly brave and poetically false obscuring and softening of a much darker reality that might have been difficult for 13-year-olds to absorb or accept.  [Read more →]

creative writing

The Last Peanut

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It occurred to little Jimmy Peter one August morning, after the electricity went and video games with it, that he hadn’t even opened the chemistry set he’d received from his parents for Christmas. In the backyard Jimmy tested the Bunsen burner’s flame on the chemistry set’s instruction book. He smiled with satisfaction as the fifty-five pages of red warnings in 11 languages burned away. No sooner had Jimmy mixed a clear liquid with a thick blue, added just a dash of salt, and heated the concoction, than a monstrous orange cloud wafted from his test tube and was picked up by the wind and carried away. The cloud continued to expand as it departed. He stared at it for a second, but the whole thing rather bored Jimmy, and he went inside to play with the dog.

The cloud soon covered the west coast of the United States, reached the east coast within hours, and had crossed the Atlantic by dark. Air raid sirens and emergency broadcast systems around the world were dusted off as people taped their windows and fought over bread and bottled water at the supermarkets. Lines for gas backed traffic up for miles and the price for a gallon nearly doubled. Industry insiders blamed increased demand, but Democrats pointed to a corrupt capitalist economy and decreased support for school lunch programs. Senior Republicans noted that this could all have been avoided if only kids prayed in school and we supported our troops. [Read more →]

creative writing

Garghibition

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The pill didn’t make one taller. That wasn’t the issue. It wasn’t a case of medical science tampering with God’s design, or biological engineering in an effort to transform the human race into a different, better species — a taller one. No, all the oblong, indigo “Gargantuanx” did, miracle of miracles, was create the illusion in the mind of the consumer that he was taller. That’s all.

The pill didn’t take immediate effect. For about 10 minutes you felt nothing. Then you were taller. That is, you believed you were. [Read more →]

creative writing

The Sun Also Rises

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Among all of the other market meltdowns last week, the Japanese stock index Nikkei suffered its worst one-week loss in history, shedding nearly a quarter of its value — this, after a long and painful recession.  So, in the spirit of anachronistic contrarianism, here’s a souvenir in verse from late in 1991, when I was living in Japan and it appeared to be on the verge of conquering the world economically.

I remember being skeptical about the Japanese “threat” for a long time, but eventually, like everyone else, I succumbed to the “madness of crowds” and wrote this poem.  As it turns out, it was almost literally at the peak of Japan’s dominance — its economy started to sputter almost immediately thereafter. 

But it works in the other direction, too; often, at the very moment when the majority of the investing public is convinced that a given market or economy is in permanent decline, it begins to recover.  The sun also rises — in the U.S. and Japan alike.

Incidentally, one explanatory note:  The last stanza refers to the massive green nets that were draped around buildings under construction in Japanese cities, as well as to the controversy over the Japanese hunting of whales and the other forms of environmental despoilation they committed. I suspect Japan, like the United States, has since become more conscious of environmental stewardship, and hope that this attitude, as well as our industries’ investment in solar energy technologies, bio-fuels and other alternative energy sources, will survive both the hard times we’re experiencing now, and the next wave of prosperity as well.

Expatriate, Waking
(Japan, 1991)

The rising sun assembles itself in the East
With matches, scraps of silk and kerosene,
And, hot off the line, lacquers our door before
The pale plodders stateside even dream it.

Like all we consume, sunlight is made here,
And in its export West, warms only those who work.
Witness these pigeons, diligent at dawn:
Setting the tone from below, they’re selecting

From a soggy salad of string and twig
Sufficient bits from which to build a home
Across the yard from, and a comment upon,
In its sense, and compact cleverness, ours.

Outmanned in every sphere is how we feel:
We’ve the better materials, not they!
But across from my office has materialized
A nineteen-story tower in the time it took me

To skim three magazines and eat a bun.
I swear, an hour ago, it wasn’t there:
Just a lot of rubble, flattened sacks of rice,
And a crumbling cistern choked with twiggy moss.

Now, nearly done, its bloody beams are dressed
With massive, block-wide, kelp-green drifting nets
That sift the swimming breeze and hide the doomed
Whales, spirits, haunting its empty halls.