10. Your New Year’s kiss left smudge marks on your mirror

9. Your wife’s resolution was to give up you

8. You recently invested all your money with some Italian guy named Ponzi

7. You’re Michele Bachmann

6. You accidentally watched that new TV show about two dudes in dresses

5. You just woke up from your 2010 New Year’s Eve party

4. You started the new year with ten fingers and toes – now, not so many

3. You can still hear that firecracker someone set off near your head on New Year’s Eve

2. Last year your company went paperless; this year they’re going peopleless

1. You’re still writing “2011” on all your death threats
 

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So it’s that time of year again.  The leaves on some of the smaller plants are beginning to change colors, the nights are getting longer, and the summer heat is finally dissipating.  Football is on TV and on the mind of every old man down at the local coffee shop in the morning talking about his grandson.  My pumpkin patch has already produced ripe fruit.  Fall is certainly right around the corner.

It’s time to start thinking about what you’re going to wear for Halloween.

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Tags: advice by Mike McGowan
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Recently a friend of mine decided to sell the antique Indian headdress she kept in a Perspex box in her house. I was baffled by this decision as it was a thing of great beauty and she did not need the cash. But she had made up her mind: she was moving house and the headdress had to go.

I asked how she had acquired it in the first place:

“My grandparents picked it up at a train station in the 1930s,” she said. “They used to travel around the South West and the Indians would come to the platforms to sell things. So they bought the headdress. They probably didn’t pay much for it, either.”

It was, apparently, a Navajo war bonnet, a headdress of great symbolic power. [Read more →]

Tags: advice, ends & odd by Daniel Kalder
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10. The rats have gnawed through your garden hose, making it impossible to hose down the hallway

9. Your living room’s leaf pile dates from three autumns ago

8. The producers of Hoarders thought your place was just a little too much

7. Your heating vents are clogged with Frito crumbs

6. Even Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t come inside

5. The Health Department has you on speed dial

4. When you go in the kitchen, your spouse uses Raid to provide cover fire

3. You have so many dust bunnies, the legs of your bed no longer touch the floor

2. You’ve misplaced two of your children

1. Your refrigerator has a wet hacking cough
 

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10. The ‘corsage’ he pins to your dress his handmade from Bounty paper towels

9. He takes you to the prom in the basket of his Schwinn

8. Every time he starts dancing, concerned chaperones place a wrapped spoon in his mouth to prevent him from biting his tongue

7. He wants to be home by 9:00 so he can catch the rerun of Fringe

6. He claims he’s suffering from ‘Bieber Fever’

5. He’s wearing a cardboard Burger King crown

4. His tux was ‘borrowed’ from his dad’s funeral home business

3. When he asks you if you want to catch a bite somewhere, he displays his collection of coupons

2. He keeps calling you “Mommy”

1. You’re both wearing the same dress

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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10. He delivers his speech without moving his lips, thanks to his little ventriloquist’s dummy ‘Muammar’

9. Her first name is Snooki

8. His speech is laced with crude double entendres and Polish jokes

7. He can’t emphasize enough the many incredible advantages of buying a ShamWow!

6. His claim to fame: He played Epstein on Welcome Back, Kotter

5. She goes on and on about how Barack Obama’s birth certificate has to be a forgery

4. Before he goes on, he asks the principal if he wants a little ‘nose candy’

3. He claims to have deciphered the “secret language of kitty cats”

2. He begins his speech, “If life hands you lemons, you should squeeze the juice directly into the wounds of your enemies.”

1. He spends an entire hour blathering on about his tiger’s blood, Adonis DNA, and fire-breathing fists

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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10. On your paper “What I Plan To Do After Graduation,” your teacher wrote “Guess again”

9. Your final paper in Music class was entitled “Why Justin Bieber Is the New Mozart”

8. The last time you picked up a book, it took you the better part of the afternoon to find all the Waldos

7. It’s bad enough you had an affair with a teacher, but the shop teacher?!

6. In Geography class, you identified the Ivory Coast as “two brands of soap”

5. In your high school yearbook, you were voted ‘Most Likely to Be Unable to Tell His Ass from a Hole in the Ground’

4. You were caught out on the football field, sticking a suppository into a hole in the ground

3. In Chemistry, the only elements you could name from the periodic table were Neon, Freon, Dione, and Leon

2. After years of instruction, you still talk into the wrong end of the telephone

1. The only history you learned all year long, you learned from Glenn Beck’s Classroom of the Air
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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10. A gift certificate to Scepters R Us

9. The latest CD from Prince

8. Gold bricks

7. An English-American dictionary

6. An athletic cup to protect the crown jewels

5. The illusion that their family still has some power

4. A nightie from Queen Victoria’s Secret

3. A sobriety test for the future Princess Kate’s personal driver

2. Something to read on the throne

1. Nothing (what could you possibly get them that they don’t already have?)
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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10. You don’t care who you get your shamrocks off with

9. You keep going up to strangers and saying, “Ire me; I’m kiss-ish!”

8. You think a tube of toothpaste is astronaut food

7. You keep wishing someone would drive the snakes out of your head

6. You wonder how you wound up with a lower stomach tattoo that says “Kiss My Lucky Charms!”

5. You’re now thinking Sarah Palin is Presidential material

4. You can actually see leprechauns

3. You make Charlie Sheen look like Justin Bieber

2. You wonder how you wound up with a bent shillelagh

1. You spend the entire night doing your Linda Blair impression
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: advice, Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, drugs & alcohol, ends & odd by Bob Sullivan
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Sometimes our celebrity brethren need to feel the white hot sting of my bitch-slap o’ advice so badly, I have trouble even typing. This, friends, is one of those times. Our girl crush Scarlett Johansson, who, until very recently, was married to Ryan Reynolds, People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive, may be hooking up with – guys, y’all might have to sit down for this – Sean Penn. Ohhhh, it hurts. [Read more →]

Tags: art & entertainment, Meg gives advice to famous people by Meg Boyle
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