Top ten signs your new year is off to a bad start
10. Your New Year’s kiss left smudge marks on your mirror
9. Your wife’s resolution was to give up you
8. You recently invested all your money with some Italian guy named Ponzi
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Entries Tagged as 'advice'
There are always too many sluts and hookers
So it’s that time of year again. The leaves on some of the smaller plants are beginning to change colors, the nights are getting longer, and the summer heat is finally dissipating. Football is on TV and on the mind of every old man down at the local coffee shop in the morning talking about his grandson. My pumpkin patch has already produced ripe fruit. Fall is certainly right around the corner.
It’s time to start thinking about what you’re going to wear for Halloween.
How I almost went to jail for five years
Recently a friend of mine decided to sell the antique Indian headdress she kept in a Perspex box in her house. I was baffled by this decision as it was a thing of great beauty and she did not need the cash. But she had made up her mind: she was moving house and the headdress had to go.
I asked how she had acquired it in the first place:
“My grandparents picked it up at a train station in the 1930s,” she said. “They used to travel around the South West and the Indians would come to the platforms to sell things. So they bought the headdress. They probably didn’t pay much for it, either.”
It was, apparently, a Navajo war bonnet, a headdress of great symbolic power. [Read more →]
Top ten signs your home is way past due a spring cleaning
10. The rats have gnawed through your garden hose, making it impossible to hose down the hallway
9. Your living room’s leaf pile dates from three autumns ago
8. The producers of Hoarders thought your place was just a little too much
7. Your heating vents are clogged with Frito crumbs
6. Even Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t come inside
5. The Health Department has you on speed dial
4. When you go in the kitchen, your spouse uses Raid to provide cover fire
3. You have so many dust bunnies, the legs of your bed no longer touch the floor
2. You’ve misplaced two of your children
1. Your refrigerator has a wet hacking cough
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
Top ten signs your prom date is a loser
10. The ‘corsage’ he pins to your dress his handmade from Bounty paper towels
9. He takes you to the prom in the basket of his Schwinn
8. Every time he starts dancing, concerned chaperones place a wrapped spoon in his mouth to prevent him from biting his tongue
7. He wants to be home by 9:00 so he can catch the rerun of Fringe
6. He claims he’s suffering from ‘Bieber Fever’
5. He’s wearing a cardboard Burger King crown
4. His tux was ‘borrowed’ from his dad’s funeral home business
3. When he asks you if you want to catch a bite somewhere, he displays his collection of coupons
2. He keeps calling you “Mommy”
1. You’re both wearing the same dress
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
Top ten signs you have a bad commencement speaker
10. He delivers his speech without moving his lips, thanks to his little ventriloquist’s dummy ‘Muammar’
9. Her first name is Snooki
8. His speech is laced with crude double entendres and Polish jokes
7. He can’t emphasize enough the many incredible advantages of buying a ShamWow!
6. His claim to fame: He played Epstein on Welcome Back, Kotter
5. She goes on and on about how Barack Obama’s birth certificate has to be a forgery
4. Before he goes on, he asks the principal if he wants a little ‘nose candy’
3. He claims to have deciphered the “secret language of kitty cats”
2. He begins his speech, “If life hands you lemons, you should squeeze the juice directly into the wounds of your enemies.”
1. He spends an entire hour blathering on about his tiger’s blood, Adonis DNA, and fire-breathing fists
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
Top ten signs you’re not going to graduate
10. On your paper “What I Plan To Do After Graduation,” your teacher wrote “Guess again”
9. Your final paper in Music class was entitled “Why Justin Bieber Is the New Mozart”
8. The last time you picked up a book, it took you the better part of the afternoon to find all the Waldos
7. It’s bad enough you had an affair with a teacher, but the shop teacher?!
6. In Geography class, you identified the Ivory Coast as “two brands of soap”
5. In your high school yearbook, you were voted ‘Most Likely to Be Unable to Tell His Ass from a Hole in the Ground’
4. You were caught out on the football field, sticking a suppository into a hole in the ground
3. In Chemistry, the only elements you could name from the periodic table were Neon, Freon, Dione, and Leon
2. After years of instruction, you still talk into the wrong end of the telephone
1. The only history you learned all year long, you learned from Glenn Beck’s Classroom of the Air
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
Top ten suggested wedding gifts for Prince William of Wales and Kate Middleton
10. A gift certificate to Scepters R Us
9. The latest CD from Prince
8. Gold bricks
7. An English-American dictionary
6. An athletic cup to protect the crown jewels
5. The illusion that their family still has some power
4. A nightie from Queen Victoria’s Secret
3. A sobriety test for the future Princess Kate’s personal driver
2. Something to read on the throne
1. Nothing (what could you possibly get them that they don’t already have?)
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
Top ten Signs you drank too much green beer on St. Patrick’s Day
10. You don’t care who you get your shamrocks off with
9. You keep going up to strangers and saying, “Ire me; I’m kiss-ish!”
8. You think a tube of toothpaste is astronaut food
7. You keep wishing someone would drive the snakes out of your head
6. You wonder how you wound up with a lower stomach tattoo that says “Kiss My Lucky Charms!”
5. You’re now thinking Sarah Palin is Presidential material
4. You can actually see leprechauns
3. You make Charlie Sheen look like Justin Bieber
2. You wonder how you wound up with a bent shillelagh
1. You spend the entire night doing your Linda Blair impression
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
Is Scarlett Johansson dating Sean Penn?
Sometimes our celebrity brethren need to feel the white hot sting of my bitch-slap o’ advice so badly, I have trouble even typing. This, friends, is one of those times. Our girl crush Scarlett Johansson, who, until very recently, was married to Ryan Reynolds, People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive, may be hooking up with – guys, y’all might have to sit down for this – Sean Penn. Ohhhh, it hurts. [Read more →]
