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all workBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten work one-liners

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10. I suppose, when asked by a potential employer if I have a criminal record, “Highest number of robberies in an hour” isn’t an appropriate answer.

9. I don’t mind going to work, but it’s the eight hours waiting to go home that annoy me.

8. My boss just put me in charge of obeying him.

7. I wish some of my co-workers weren’t allowed in the break room, because that’s usually who I need a break from.

6. We will continue having meetings every day until I find out why no work is getting done.

5. At work I was running around like a madman: naked, with a chainsaw.

4. Why would I work through lunch, when I don’t even work through work?

3. My boss needs to stop holding secret meetings about my paranoia.

2. Why does my work week always go: MONDAY–TUESDAY–WEDNESDAY–THURSDAY–blink–MONDAY–TUESDAY–WEDNESDAY–THURSDAY–blink?

1. I’ve been sacked from my job, or as I prefer to think of it, I’m on eternity leave.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingrecipes & food

Top ten signs you’ve eaten too much Thanksgiving dinner today

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10. While slicing the pumpkin pie, you cut your finger and gravy comes out

9. Just like one of those turkey thermometers so you can tell when it’s done, your belly button pops out

8. After the meal, you have to loosen the band on your wristwatch

7. NASA is considering a mission to photograph the other side of you

6. A policeman comes up to you and orders you to disperse

5. After dinner, when you get on a plane from New York to Los Angeles, it has to taxi the whole way

4. Both Ben and Jerry friend you on Facebook

3. The super in your building changes the sign in the elevator to read “Maximum Occupancy: 1”

2. You start sweating yams

1. You catch the flesh eating bacteria, and are given 67 years to live
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingdrugs & alcohol

Top ten drug one-liners

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10. I used to do drugs, and I still do, but I used to, too.

9. When the policeman asked me, “How high are you?” I corrected him by saying, “No, it’s ‘Hi, how are you?’.”

8. I said no to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

7. I had to start drug testing all of my employees, just so I’d know who to buy stuff from in the future.

6. My drug dealer drove around slowly for a while, before picking up speed.

5. I took drugs last night with my shoelaces undone, which was a big mistake because I was tripping all night.

4. If a midget smokes weed, does he get medium?

3. When the policeman asked me about all the cannabis growing in my backyard, I suggested, “Someone must have planted it there.”

2. I passed a drug test recently, which was weird, because I don’t remember eating one.

1. Drugs are never the answer, unless the clue is “Narcotics – Five letters.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

ends & oddhealth & medical

Looking forward

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The last several weeks have been all about the anticipation of an end. An end to the chemo. An end to what we think of as the miserable part of the treatment of this disease. I mean, the whole thing is pretty miserable, but this part is literally poison. This part has been so hard on my kids. They feel it every day. They have begun to understand this pattern in our lives, the way the week begins with a pretty good Monday, then the infusion hits on Tuesday. Wednesday I have steroid energy (but also steroid crankiness) and then the rest of the week is a slow, agonizing climb back up to an almost normal mom on Monday again. My six year old daughter is terrible at knowing what day of the week it is and what day we have plans on, but she knows when it’s Tuesday and what that means in our house these last months. So, this countdown to next week’s final chemo treatment has been on the forefront of our minds. It comes up a lot. A lot a lot.

I’ve been seriously looking forward to the end of chemo. I’ve been beyond looking forward to building my poor body back up. Man, am I jiggly and soft. I try to go for walks when I can now, but it’s so damn difficult and exhausting. If I walk too long I blow my energy for the rest of the day. It’s like I have this finite amount every day and when it’s gone it is just gone. I wish I had a battery indicator light so I could know when I’m pushing it and could know to stop. That would be super helpful. I’ve been thinking about the joy of getting to Tuesday, November the 28th and not going to chemo. Tuesday mornings I feel decent, and I’m downright excited to have a Tuesday that doesn’t get ruined half way through with poison. I think I’ll go to the beach that day and fill myself with salt air instead.

I’m looking forward to having the energy to walk every day and work my way back up to doing yoga. I’m looking forward to going back to physical therapy for this damn arm that got ruined by the surgery. I’m looking forward to having the energy to do all the chopping and cooking that goes into a healthy plant based diet. I’m looking forward to not having to tell my kids that I can’t do whatever or I’m too tired for this or that. I’m just looking forward.

That’s what I’ve been thinking about the last few weeks. It felt like when you’re a kid growing up poor in the 70’s and it’s three weeks until Christmas, and you know your mom has been scrimping together money all year to make it beautiful and you know you’re going to get what you want from Santa, because even though you often don’t have enough food in the fridge you always know you can count on Christmas. Like that.

Then a few days ago I had a long phone consult with my naturopathic oncologist. He’s putting together two protocols for me. Well, actually, he already did, I just haven’t read them yet. One is for helping me clean up my body post chemo. One is for going forward in life and remaining cancer free in the future. (according to some charts I have about a 30% chance of recurrence, according to others as high as 50%). When I hung up from that call I wept. To be honest, I just barely kept it together through the call at all.

Because part of this is over, though there are still more surgeries to come, and part of it will never really end. I’ve had to make changes (that really, I should have made anyway, that make sense for all humans in this world) and I can’t go back to living the way I did before. I want to get back to normal. My family wants to get back to normal. Then there is this realization that there has to be a whole new normal. I can’t live my life in fear, but neither can I live my life in denial. That’s a hard reality to face when you’ve invested some serious time and thought in the idea that this is all about to be over.

Next week is my last taxol infusion. They have a big bell that you ring when you are done. There’s no school next week, so the whole family will be with me. My kids are pretty excited to ring that damn bell. Hopefully they don’t break it. That would be just like us, to over do it and crack the thing. Hopefully it feels like this is over for them, that the new normal just bleeds into their old normal and things get easier for them, lighter. This week has been all kinds of heavy, and maybe next week it doesn’t magically all go away, but at least I could (as my son would say) level up.

Thank you, cancer, I get it now. You can go away for good.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythinggetting older

Top ten Internet dating sites for really old people

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10. Geezer Pleaser

9. Fossil Fun

8. CurmudgeonMingle

7. Oldster

6. Generation X-Lax

5. Depends on Each Other

4. Methuselahs

3. Decrepit Cupid

2. pee-Harmony

1. carbon-dating.com
 
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

educationvirtual children by Scott Warnock

My Board of Ed election letter

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I’ve used this space for some different genres, and here’s a hyper-specific one: The school board election letter. [Read more →]

books & writing

Added to my e-bookshelf … Wings of Fire

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There were aspects of Alma Alexander’s “Wings of Fire” that I enjoyed, while there were others I did not. Unfortunately, the latter outweighed the former.

To its credit, the book offers an international and flavorful smorgasbord of mythology and fantasy, faith and ritual as its characters take us along on a story of adventure and discovery through space and time. Maori spirits? Got ’em. Irish selkies and Russian monks? Those, too. But wait … you also get rusalkas, hunters and healers, fallen angels and more.
[Read more →]

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmovies

Because of the enormous success of superhero movies, top ten movies being superhero-ized

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10. The Naked and the Deadpool

9. Kramer vs. Kramer vs. Superman

8. Dark Knight at the Museum

7. A Justice League of Their Own

6. Kiss of the Spiderman

5. Supergirl Interrupted

4. American History X-Men

3. Scent of a Wonder Woman

2. Daredevil Wears Prada

1. How Stella Got Her Groot Back
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.