I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:
Emperor’s Decree No. NSA1: The Emperor has allowed this Obama fellow to oversee things in America, so far. He has allowed this because it pleases him to do so. Alas, the Emperor is now becoming vexed. “Why is the Great One vexed,” you ask? It is because, for some reason, Mr. Obama and his fellow officials are starting to act like Emperors. There is only one Emperor; only one divinely-appointed Overlord who wields the right to pry into your tiny little personal lives; to search through your phone calls without probable cause; to arrest you in the middle of the night on a whim; to kiss your sister at will. It is I. He. It is he. (It’s hard to keep pronouns straight when one is always talking in the third person. When he is always talking in the third person. We? Ah, bugger it.) However, the Emperor is willing to allow this governmental snooping to continue, so long as the petty rulers in America submit to the punishment below.
The Punishment: All politicians will, henceforth, serve out their terms in loin cloths. (The women in American government may add seashell brassieres, if they are inclined toward modesty.) This should serve a reminder to them, on a daily basis, of what it means to feel “exposed,” as do the citizens of America, to ever-increasing degrees. Even ground. That’s what it’s all about. Equality. (Except for us. Me. We. You know what I mean. The Emperor.)
Now, go forth and obey.
The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.
Latest posts by Chris Matarazzo (Posts)
- The Emperor decrees that band members must smile in their promo pictures - November 26, 2013
- The Emperor decrees that sound engineers will stop squishy-mouth, immediately - November 5, 2013
- The Emperor decrees an end to the phrase “a hot mess” - October 22, 2013
- The Emperor decrees a ban on bike shorts - October 8, 2013
- The Emperor decrees an end to long hair in the NFL - September 24, 2013