I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:
Emperor’s Decree No. 555-3342: Seriously, with the cell phones, people. Sweet Jesu. Enough. It’s pathetic. Besides, the only call you really need to hear is the Emperor’s call, n’est-ce pas? All minions of the Empire will surrender their cell phones by midnight, Thursday, so that they may be summarily destroyed. Yes, you heard correctly.
IMPERIAL SUBJECT: Oh, but Magnificent One, what about safety…
EMPEROR: [pinching fingertips and thumb together] PSHHHT!
SUBJECT: But, Emperor…I use mine for work…
EMPEROR: [pinching, again] PSHHHT!
SUBJECT: But, Emperor…I use the GPS…
EMPEROR: PSHT! [warning look, as subject tries to speak] Sh.
EMPEROR: [puts fingers to subject's lips] Shhhhhhh. [pats subject on the head; walks away with a swish of samite robes]
The Punishment: Those seen using one of the banned devices after Thursday will be encased in a giant effigy of an iPhone and buried in a wormy hole.
Now, go forth and obey.
The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning
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