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art & entertainmentpolitics & government

David Lynch wants you to vote for Barack Obama

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If you’re not familiar with the 90 Days/90 Reasons Web site that shills daily for the re-election of omni-benevolent halo wearer Barack Obama, please check out Ricky Sprague’s post here for some background info.

The latest celebrity to chime in with a pro-Barack post at 90 Days is David Lynch, a film director whom many of us at this site admire and love.

By all means, read Lynch’s reasons for re-electing Barack Obama.

Then feel free to stab your lungs and face with an antler lamp.

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sportstrusted media & news

The French are building “Tebowing” statues now

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Alright, I know Tim Tebow’s popular here in America, but since his trade to New York, it seems his fame has gone global. This is just getting absurd, as we now have “The Tebower” located in some French museum. And look, he’s not even doing it right. He’s supposed to be on one knee with his right hand held in a fist against his forehead while his left hand reaches down to hold a football helmet.

Ugh, fuckin’ French people — get a clue.

 

educationlanguage & grammar

Punctuation 101: periods vs. comas

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I’ve been called a grammar nerd, but I don’t mind. It’s something that’s important to me, and having put myself so far into debt by chasing my degree in English, it pains me every time I catch a glimpse of society’s lax attitude toward proper grammar. The fact that as technology has progressed, the general population’s understanding of basic grammar has severely declined, is no secret to anyone. But it’s embarrassing — seriously. Almost daily, I see people making mistakes with very basic things, like periods and comas. Typically, when I call somebody out on it, I get a response that’s something like, “Dude, whatever, it’s just a Facebook post.” But it’s not just a Facebook post. It’s putting yourself out there for the world to see with a giant sign around your neck that says: I Haven’t Learned Basic English Yet. It’s really not even that hard. Here’s the difference:

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Bob Sullivan's top ten everythinggames

Top ten anagrams

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10. DORMITORY = DIRTY ROOM

9. THE MORSE CODE = HERE COME DOTS

8. ELEVEN PLUS TWO = TWELVE PLUS ONE

7. DEBIT CARD = BAD CREDIT

6. THE EYES = THEY SEE

5. ASTRONOMERS = NO MORE STARS

4. CLINT EASTWOOD = OLD WEST ACTION

3. ANN COULTER = A LONER CUNT

2. WILLARD ROMNEY = DRILL RAW MONEY

1. KATE MIDDLETON = NAKED TIT MODEL
 

Mr. Sean goes to Washington

Mr. Sean goes to Washington: what makes Barack and Mitt run? (particularly Mitt)

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Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are, by any standard, exceptional people. They’re extremely well-educated (both have a pair of Ivy League degrees). They’re quite wealthy (Mitt more so). They each got their first marriage right and have produced multiple aesthetically-pleasing children (Mitt’s on top here as well, barring Barack surging into the lead when Michelle unexpectedly announces quadruplets). They’re above average in height and apparently in good shape: while Mitt has been reluctant to release his tax returns, he has enthusiastically shared his Body Mass Index and it’s quite impressive; I expect Barack’s is similarly exceptional. Yet watching these two magnificent men, who if they ever did wind up single would surely prove incredibly popular on Match.com, I can’t help but think, They should be doing something else, particularly you, Mitt. [Read more →]

all workThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees that Radio Shack must stop hiring turds

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 7N: Like anyone else, the Emperor has need of an occasional conversion cord or of a particular plug-doohickey in order to connect  his laptop to the TV or something. For that, he usually goes to Radio Shack. But, after years of this, he has decided to stop dumping riches from the royal coffers into that establishment. The reason? They hire turds. Arrogant turds; rude turds; insecure turds; turds who are so eager for actual human contact that they will attempt to prolong said contact even if it means starting an argument from word one — or, perhaps, especially if it means that.

Case in point: “Hi,” says the Emperor, merrily, “I have this Dell laptop…” “Well,” interrupts the Radio Shack turd, in exactly the same voice as the comic book store guy on The Simpsons,  “that’s your first problem. Harharhar.” Many incidents such as this have occurred, but the ever-lovin’ topper was the Emperor’s last visit, yesterday, at the end of a long quest for a cord with which to send a signal from VGA output into an RCA video input, during which visit  the Radio Shack turd studied his iPhone as if it were a naked woman (which, I am sure, he will one day see in person — I mean, it has to happen everyone eventually, right?) never once making contact with the royal eyes. “No,” he said. “Go online. We don’t have that in stock.” [This last bit, said with an inflection he might have used if I had asked him for mint-chocolate-chip ice cream — as if only the most uninformed asshat on the planet could possibly think they would carry such an item.] Enough is enough. Management may no longer hire these antisocial turds. We realize that a gig at Radio Shack is like being in Best Buy’s minor-leagues, but, nevertheless, standards must go up.

The Punishment: [Read more →]

advicesports

Learn to love the NFL replacement referees in 420 words

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You’re not going to win this one. The replacement refs are here, and there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of progress being made between the NFL and the League of Extraordinary Officials Who Can Actually Figure Out Where to Spot a Ball Within Eleven Minutes. But this doesn’t mean you can’t still enjoy football. Don’t get mad, get glad. Here’s how:

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bad sports, good sports

Bad sports, good sports: Steve Sabol of NFL Films dies of cancer

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No sport translates to television quite like football does. I enjoy watching them all, but there is just something about football that lends itself perfectly to an afternoon on the couch in front of a giant screen. With so many sports, I would actually rather be there in person. Sitting at a baseball game is fantastic, for example. Football, particularly the professional variety, is a lot of fun to watch in person, but you actually lose a lot by not watching on T.V. Much of the experience that we have watching the NFL broadcasts can be traced back to the Sabol family and NFL Films. Steve Sabol, the real genius behind all of that, died on Tuesday of brain cancer at the age of 69. [Read more →]

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingeducation

Top ten ways schools are dealing with slashed budgets

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10. The “school nurse” is just a cafeteria lady with access to the Internet

9. Instead of buses, anyone who lives more than a mile from school is issued a large plastic hitchhiking thumb

8. Gym class consists of walking on treadmills that power the ovens for home economics

7. The restrooms have a cover charge

6. The guidance counselor has been replaced by Siri

5. The art teacher is selling tattoos at five bucks a pop

4. Every lunch consists of Mystery Stew

3. Music class is nothing but YouTube videos

2. Any spare fingers that wind up on the shop class floor are recycled to the cafeteria

1. They’ve just reclassified pepper spray as a vegetable
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

religion & philosophy

Are you experiencing ascension symptoms?

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Have you been feeling a bit dizzy lately? Does time feel like it’s been flying by faster than ever? Experiencing ringing in your ears? Seeing flashes of light or fleeting glimpses of things that aren’t there? If you’re not head-over heels in love, pregnant, or smokin’ da ganja, you may be going through what’s known as ascension symptoms. What are they, why are they happening, what do they mean, and will they ever go away? If you’d like answers to questions like these, the latest installment of Layman just might be the prescription you’ve been looking for. [Read more →]

art & entertainmentbooks & writing

“What if the World’s Great Philosophers and Thinkers Played Professional Football?”

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Marvel Comics used to produce a comic book series called “What If…?

The basic premise: The book’s narrator, Uatu, a member of a race of lifeforms called Watchers, speculated on how the Marvel Universe might be different if certain key events were played out in alternate fashion, e.g. “What if Captain America Had Been Elected President?” and “What if the Fantastic Four Had Not Gained Their Superpowers?”

Wikipedia has the entire list of “What If…?” titles here, and many beg the question “What Was Uatu Smoking?

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virtual children by Scott Warnock

Peals and squeals: Scientists discover surprising childhood corpulence factors

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DAZS — In a finding full of surprises, scientists have discovered key factors for one major aspect of childhood corpulence. One surprise: A gene with an auditory behavioral trigger. Another: You must be on vacation. Surprise #3: The gene resides not in the children, but in their parents.

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travel & foreign landstrusted media & news

Yes, they really are in the EU: Latvian nostalgia for the Waffen SS death machine

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I don’t know about you, but I don’t like Nazis very much. Call me crazy, but all that Judenhass, genocide, invading other people’s countries, war and Thousand Year Reich stuff – it’s just not for me. It’s kind of, you know, evil.

Now Latvians on the other hand, they’re a different kettle of fish. They’re totally nuts for Nazis! No, really! It’s incredible! Is it the black leather and the skulls? The uniforms? The cool salute? The goose stepping? The death camps? It’s difficult to say, but one thing’s for sure, in Latvia the Swastika never goes out of style! [Read more →]
books & writing

Lisa reads Slugfest by Rosemary Harris

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It’s always a good thing to discover a new series that you really enjoy. A while back, I reviewed the third Dirty Business Mystery, Dead Head by Rosemary Harris, I immediately picked up the first book, Pushing Up Daisies and made sure to keep my eyes open for new installments in the Dirty Business series. I devoured Slugfest on my recent vacation.

Paula Holiday left New York City for the peace and quiet of small-town Connecticut. She opened a landscaping business and she’s getting by, making friends with her neighbors, and occasionally stumbling across mysteries. Slugfest takes her back to NYC for The Big Apple Flower Show. An oddball local artist who produces sculptures from rusty metal pipes, old bicycles and other found items, is too much of a recluse to man a booth at the show, so Paula is selling sculpture and visiting her old haunts. Her plans for a peaceful week in the city get derailed when mysterious pranks — the so-called Javits Curse — get out of hand and bodies start turning up.

Slugfest is great addition to the series. It’s still Paula, but she’s away from her small-town neighbors, even if she’s still surrounded by flowers and plants. She tries to help out a couple of kids she meets at the show and ends up the new BFF of a mobster’s wife. There’s a killer on the loose and she’s being spied on by a Peeping Tom who criticizes her fashion choices:

(Note to self: permanently borrow red dress from Lucy. I will never be lonely as long as I’m wearing this. How did I get to be this age without knowing every woman needs a red dress?)

The twists and turns keep you turning pages, but what really makes this a fun read are the big personalities at the flower show. From the mobsterand the high school kids to the elderly benefactress and the tough-as-nails security guard, these people are funny and sweet and sometimes a little scary. It made a great poolside read and I will definitely be looking for the next Dirty Business mystery.

Fore more on Rosemary Harris, check out her website and Facebook page.

Michael Cade's audio filesmusic

Audio files: Justin Bieber and the New World Order; the screams of dying stars, etc.

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Some links about music and sound.

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sports

Learn to love embattled Chicago Bears QB Jay Cutler in one easy step

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View this photo.

 

 

(via NFL Offseason)

televisionThe Emperor decrees

The Emperor decrees an end to “cellphone orangutanism”

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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 04-67739: At televised baseball games, people are no longer permitted to yammer into cellular phones while waving to the camera in order to get the attention of the person to whom they are speaking. Those who do this (in the Emperor’s opinion) are addle-pated ninnyhammers. (Yeah, you heard me.) The Imperial Minister of Education/Effective Torture Practices concurs with this assessment. Through the punishment (to follow) a great peripheral social benefit (beyond the mere elimination of myriad undignified pinheads) will also be realized.

The Punishment: All baseball stadiums will be fitted with high-voltage wiring in the seats. Anyone seen, at a ballpark, talking on a cellular phone and flailing his arms about like a juvenile orangutan, will be immediately incinerated by means of a remote button-push. (The button resides on the arm of the Emperor’s TV-watchin’ chair.) The above-mentioned peripheral benefit: Imperial mathematicians calculate that, after only a single baseball season, the average intelligence quotient in America will have increased by as much as fifty points, owing to the removal of numerous fools from the overall equation.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

books & writingterror & war

New Philip K. Dick novel too absurd to be believed

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Philip K. Dick was one of the most important science fiction authors of the 20th century. His novels explored issues of identity, religion, metaphysics, and politics in a way that few authors, including so-called “literary” authors, ever did. During his lifetime, he published more than 40 novels, and 100 short stories. He won the prestigious Hugo Award for his classic novel The Man in the High Castle in 1962, and the John W Campbell Award for Flow My Tears, the Policeman Said in 1974. His novels and stories have inspired at least ten movies, including Blade Runner, Total Recall, Total Recall, and Minority Report. In the years since his untimely death from a stroke in 1982, his reputation has only increased, and his works have gained a respectable following among academics and mainstream literary critics. The Library of America has published three volumes of his work.

When it was announced last year that an unpublished manuscript had been discovered among his papers, it sent shockwaves through the literary community. Now that the novel has been published, however, one can’t help but feel a sting of disappointment. [Read more →]

bad sports, good sports

Bad sports, good sports: Marathons and half-marathons are big business, but I don’t care

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Last November, I ran my first-ever race. After months of training, I participated in the Philadelphia Half Marathon, and I wrote about what a thrill it was. Today, ten months later, I ran my second race. I am not sure why I have never done a 5K…I seem to be attracted to the longer races. The event on this beautiful Sunday was the Rock ‘n’ Roll Philadelphia 1/2 Marathon, formerly known as the Philadelphia Distance Run. It was a similar course to the PHM, but not exactly the same. As I ran, I found myself thinking about what a major industry this thing has become. [Read more →]

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingeducation

Top ten least useful college majors

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10. Congressional Ethics

9. Competitive Yawning

8. Forensic Mythology

7. The Films of Jean-Claude Van Damme

6. Typewriter Repair

5. Ogling

4. Amish Microwave Cooking

3. The Wisdom of Dr. Phil

2. The Politics of Dancing

1. Dressage
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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