The president of the United States, Barack Obama, has been telling me, specifically, that I have to start paying my fair share. Actually, he has been telling you to start paying your fair share, as well. None of us is off the hook, in fact. He wants everyone to pay their fair share:

“It’s only right we ask everyone to pay their fair share,” Obama said, later adding, “If we’re going to meet our responsibilities, we have to do it together.”

The reason we all have to pay our fair share is because the government, which is run by members of the democrat and republican parties, is deep in debt. It is so in debt that it has actually forced the president to lecture me– me, of all people— about how I need to stop being so damned obstinate and start paying my fair share.

Mr. Obama, I don’t want to be a mooch. Your compelling argument has convinced me; I am very much interested in paying my fair share. But I’m curious as to what exactly you think my fair share is. For instance, what was my fair share of that whole Solyndra thing? What is my fair share of the ongoing “war on drugs“? How much do I owe for the federal government’s prosecutions of citizens who sell medical marijuana in those states where it is legal to do so? What’s my share of the costs for the unknown number of military bases we have all over the world? How much do I owe for all of that “foreign aid” that we give out every year? What about the bailouts? TARP? What is my share of the costs for the post office? What’s my fair share of the costs of Gitmo? How much is it costing to keep Bradley Manning locked up? What do I owe you on the Iraq war? What’s my fair share of those amazing million-dollar campaign buses that you bought for yourself and the eventual republican presidential nominee? What do I owe for the armed raids on people who have raw milk? What’s my fair share of “Operation Fast & Furious“? Or that kinetic operation that wasn’t a war in Libya that was going to take days not weeks? What is my share of the continuous drone attacks in the Middle East, and how much should I be counted on for those new “secret” drone facilities? How much do I owe for all those printers the government keeps buying?

Oh, and by the way, Mr. Obama, I know you’re a comic book fan, so you’re probably all over this one– what is my share of the cost to protect that cartoonist who got all those death threats after she created “Everybody draw Mohammed Day“? What? No charge for that? Oookay. What about the cost to protect the family of Edmond Demiraj? I’d be more than happy to kick in a little for– oh, we’re not doing that, either? Well at least you got those raw milk people.

I was wondering about the specifics of my “fair share” earlier today when a friend sent me a link to a video featuring Massachusetts senate candidate Elizabeth Warren explaining why we should all pay more taxes and like it, especially people who build factories (aside: Who builds factories anymore?). As she puts it:

“There is nobody in this country who got rich on his own. Nobody.
“You built a factory out there? Good for you. But I want to be clear: you moved your goods to market on the roads the rest of us paid for; you hired workers the rest of us paid to educate; you were safe in your factory because of police forces and fire forces that the rest of us paid for. You didn’t have to worry that marauding bands would come and seize everything at your factory, and hire someone to protect against this, because of the work the rest of us did.
“Now look, you built a factory and it turned into something terrific, or a great idea? God bless. Keep a big hunk of it. But part of the underlying social contract is you take a hunk of that and pay forward for the next kid who comes along.”

That is an eloquent way of putting it. Really crystallizes things for you. But I have to say that Ms. Warren is selling our government short. My fear is that, for instance, some cynical asshole will look at Ms. Warren’s paean to the roads and then actually go for a drive on a road, and see it in a state of disrepair. Or they might drive on that potholed road to pick up their kid from a public school and think, “Hey, maybe the government ain’t [sic] doing so well on that one.” And they might read what Ms. Warren said about how great the police are, and then find some incidents of policemen tazing grandmothers and beating mentally ill people to death and they might think that Ms. Warren’s argument has some holes in it, which it obviously doesn’t. Therefore, I’d like to offer a new version for Ms. Warren to use at future campaign events:

“Nobody got rich in this country on his own. Nobody in this country ever did anything on his own. You needed help from the government. And you know it’s true: If you didn’t believe that you needed help from the government, then you wouldn’t have been born in the first place. Since this country is run by the government, and you were born into it, that means you accept the government’s full authority over you.

So you built a factory. Good for you. Of course, you could have done something important like become a government bureaucrat or a politician, but some people aren’t as enlightened as I am. Anyway guess what? When you were building that factory, where do you think you got all those zoning permits you paid for? The government. Who ran the Landmarks and Preservation Committee that decided it was actually okay for you to build that factory? That’s right, smarty– the government. And the people that you had to pay though campaign contributions to actually allow you to build your factory? That was the City Council– the government. Who do you think employs all of those people charged with ensuring you properly dispose of milk when it spills, or makes sure that you don’t put an electrical outlet too close to the doorway? The government. What is the entity that collects all the taxes and fees that you’re charged for the privilege of operating in this country, the country into which you chose to be born? The government! Who employs the people who make sure you file the proper paperwork documenting your every transaction? Do I even have to answer that question? And all of those people that you pay to go to Washington to lobby the congress that is writing the laws that will directly affect how you and your competitors do business– where do you think they’re going? The government.

And whatever is left after that? Keep some of it. You earned it. But remember, without the government, you would be a nothing. A big zero. Seriously. And if I still haven’t convinced you about how important the social contract is, then think about this: When you went to work building your factory, were you worried about someone breaking into your home and raping your wife and daughter? No? Well, why not? I’ll tell you why not: It’s because of the government. See, if it weren’t for the police force, roving bands of marauding rapists would attack your daughters and rape them. The least you can do for that kind of peace of mind is to pay it forward, in the manner that I see fit, by giving whatever amount of money I deem adequate so that we can pay for all the great stuff the government does on your behalf, as part of the social contract that you signed when you were born.”

Perhaps Ms. Warren and Mr. Obama could get together and pool their logical arguments, they’d finally be able to govern this seemingly ungovernable, and ungrateful, country. Anyway, I’m really looking forward to paying my fair share.

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Ricky Sprague

Ricky Sprague occasionally writes and/or draws things. He sometimes animates things. He has a Twitter account and he has a blog. He scripted this graphic novel about Kolchak The Night Stalker. He is really, really good at putting links in bios.

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