(From wire reports)

RIVERTON, NJ–Annoyed authorities have confirmed that a NJ family, in defiance of modern rules of common sense and maybe some real rules as well, took their three children on a driving vacation of 2,137 miles without an in-car DVD player or TV.

The family name has been withheld, authorities said, to protect them from retribution by media conglomerates, although they have been referred to as the “Ludditeheads.”

Authorities learned about the plan last week, but only after the South Jersey family had departed for the 11-day road trip that went as far as St. Louis. Because the family vehicle was equipped with neither GPS nor a helpful technology like OnStar, efforts to thwart the inane vacation or subsequent plans to at least deliver a small portable TV en route were unsuccessful.

Protestors had formed outside the Ludditehead household, and they appeared to be split between those angry and disgusted with the short-sightedness of the venture and those worried for the welfare of the Ludditehead children. Neither group could imagine what American screenagers would do in a car for more than 30 hours without TV. Several emphasized their feelings by holding maps of the U.S.A. with the Ludditehead travel route, which went through Columbus, Cincinnati, and Evansville, highlighted.

“With all this wonderful reality TV,” said one anguished woman, a neighbor who beat herself about the head and neck with grief, “I feared we’d never see them again or the kids will be all messed up.”

Another man who also said he was a neighbor, with brow wrinkled, said, “The [Ludditehead] parents have bad tempers. The kids are bad natured. Trapped in a car without a TV? It’s a tinderbox for those kids, man, a tinderbox.”

Others took a more direct, harsher view of the Ludditehead parents, criticizing the family’s plan of filling the travel time with reading, puzzle books, travel games, music, and talk. “Damn tomfoolery, I say. The parents should be in big trouble,” remarked one older man who was wearing a shirt with a picture of Redd Foxx and the slogan “You big dummy!”

“I think it’s just mean,” said a young woman who said she was once a friend of the family. “What are the kids going to do for all that time? Read? Talk to each other? Think? I heard they played the alphabet game six times! Idiotic.”

In between chants about the negatives of roadside scenery, many protestors did wax nostalgic about their own childhood car travel memories and the singing, poking, and game invention that took place. Some recalled the old days when children would lie piled in the backs of station wagons or would stand up for hundreds of miles on vinyl seats in dangerous 1970s and 1980s cars. One man recalled he and his siblings sitting on the edge of the back seat for hours while dad lay sprawled out, sleeping behind them after a long turn at the wheel.

Despite the fondness that crept into their voices when remembering these family trips, nearly all were adamant that things are different now. One protestor captured this spirit perfectly in saying, “Things are different now.”

Indeed, vehicular pleasure travel researcher Dr. Virginia Voyager said that the Ludditehead trip must be viewed in the context of 2011 America. “I’m not sure what the aim here was, so I need to know more. But the American spirit is not about getting there, and you must consider this not just metaphorically but literally. The destination, the final end, is what is important to us. People don’t think about ‘enjoying the journey’ any more. Vacation time, for instance, is about building up chits of geographical conquest, not experiencing time with the family or even really experiencing another place.

“The potentially tragic Ludditehead ‘experiment’ must be seen in this light.”

Despite the vast outcry, a kind of counterprotest had formed nearby with a few members of the extremist sect IDHATWITPWIMT (pronounced id-ha-TWIT-pwimt), “I Don’t Have a TV–Which I Tell People When I Meet Them.” They pointed out the trip was not a big deal, as it did involve digital technology. A spokesperson said that although only used for a few minutes during the journey, two DS consoles were discovered in the car, and records revealed that the family’s daughter spent time on the trip home texting friends, using her parents’ phones.

“This is hardly the kind of event that qualifies for the support of the anti-screen sect,” said Ethan Nobyte. “So despite the protests and their catchy pseudonym, the Ludditeheads cannot join IDHATWITPWIMT.”

In addition, Nobyte noted with some contempt that the family’s two sons immediately immersed themselves in several hours of Wii playing upon entering their house.

Despite the travel ordeal and subsequent uproar, the Ludditeheads didn’t seem much worse for the wear. The parents were questioned by authorities after the children’s health was checked. While no charges were filed, the parents were reportedly given a stiff warning. Several TV manufacturers publicly offered up rebates for portable media devices.

The family had no comment but through an attorney thanked protestors for tamping down their overgrown lawn.

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Scott Warnock

Scott Warnock is a writer and teacher who lives in South Jersey. He is a professor of English at Drexel University, where he is also the Associate Dean of Undergraduate Education in the College of Arts and Sciences. Father of three and husband of one, Scott is president of a local high school education foundation and spent many years coaching youth sports.

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Tags: technology, virtual children by Scott Warnock // 6 Comments »