The importance of helping Americans “hold themselves in line”

The importance of helping Americans “hold themselves in line”

Posted on May 25th, 2011 by Ricky Sprague

Back in 2005, while attending a live Bob Dylan show, I encountered the country stylings of his opening act, Merle Haggard. This artist’s simple songs of soil people touched me in a surprising way, and I was glad I didn’t follow my first instinct, which was to skip his act altogether. Later, I actually purchased his box set, “Down Every Road,” which features a number of his classic songs, among them the haunting lament, “I Can’t Hold Myself in Line.” This song was written in 1968, but its expression of melancholia in a world that gives humans too many choices for his own good could easily be torn from the diary — or, if you prefer, blog — of any Four Loko-drinking, Big Mac-eating, Sport Utility Vehicle-driving, Camel-smoking iPad-user today.

Hey, my weakness is stronger than I am
Guess I’ve always been the losin’ kind
Now I’m full speed ahead down the wrong road of life
And I can’t hold myself in line

I was thinking about this song just yesterday, when I read a Bloomberg story detailing the efforts of two senators to help American citizens “hold themselves in line,” in this case, protecting them from their own bad decisions regarding their retirement.

Workers will be limited in tapping their 401(k) retirement plans for loans under legislation two senators introduced today that’s designed to counter the erosion of retirement assets.

“Because of the difficult economic times, more and more Americans are treating their retirement accounts as rainy day funds,” Senator Herb Kohl, a Wisconsin Democrat, said in a statement today. “A 401(k) savings account should not be used as a piggy bank.”

Kohl, 76, who’s chairman of the Senate Special Committee on Aging, introduced the “SEAL 401(k) Savings Act” with Senator Mike Enzi, 67, a Wyoming Republican.

To be sure, it’s unusual to see both Democrats and Republicans working in a bipartisan way to help people make important decisions about how to run their lives. This shows the vigorous health of our democratic institutions and I for one applaud it. Many people mistakenly believe that the money in the 401(k) account that bears their name is their own, to do with as they so desire, even if that desire is simply to make a few purchases today, at the expense of their own health and peace of mind tomorrow.

These senators know better, and hopefully, this bill will disabuse people of this charmingly misguided notion, and get them thinking about what their retirement means not only to them, but to the people who run their government. Hopefully, this will help people to start thinking about “holding themselves in line.”

One needn’t look far to see that the modern American has trouble “holding himself in line.” A startling number of us are overweight, stuffing our faces with fast food that corporations have marketed to us in an effort to convince us that it’s delicious and convenient. A recent “Doctor’s Orders Open letter to McDonald’s” eloquently makes the case:

As health professionals engaged directly in the largest preventable health crisis facing this country, we ask that you stop marketing junk food to children.

The rates of sick children are staggering. Ballooning health care costs and an overburdened health care system make treatment more difficult than ever. And we know that reducing junk food marketing can significantly improve the health of kids.

Our community is devoted to caring for sick children and preventing illness through public education. But our efforts cannot compete with the hundreds of millions of dollars you spend each year directly marketing to kids.

Unlike most Americans, I can actually drive past a McDonald’s. That is why I also applaud (actually, I give this a standing ovation!) the efforts of the “more than 1000 health professionals and institutions in all 50 states” who signed the open letter to McDonalds, in a brave attempt to draw attention to a problem that has gone for too long underreported. It’s a good first step, obviously, but I hope that it is seen by our politicians as well, We need to celebrate and encourage our government leaders to help us to make the best decisions we can in a difficult, confusing world. There is no doubt that if people were as informed as I am, they would make the same decisions about how to live their lives as I do.

No serious expert disputes the fact that people cannot make the proper decisions about how to live their lives (i.e., “hold themselves in line”) without access to proper information necessary to make those proper decisions. The reason for this is self-evident: entrenched special interests spend billions of dollars every year marketing products that we not only don’t need, but that are actually bad for us.

And we’re raiding our 401(k)’s — our retirement savings — to pay for them.

The government has been wildly successful at protecting us from ourselves. For instance, because drugs are illegal, there aren’t millions of drug addicts lining the streets on which I run almost every day. I’m not saying there aren’t drug addicts, that would be foolish, and I’m obviously not foolish (I’m quite thin, in good health, and my 401(k) remains intact), but I am saying that if drugs weren’t illegal, there would be more drug addicts. This is self-evident, as people cannot “hold themselves in line.” Prostitution is also illegal. To be certain this is a good thing, because otherwise you’d have hookers, johns, and pimps also lining those same streets in the immaculately-landscaped neighborhoods in which I run. People just can’t be trusted with some decisions, and without the threat of jail time, too many of us would succumb to the temptation of paying for what we can get for free if we just put in a little effort (or, at least what we can get for the price of a meal at an elegant restaurant where they serve delicious kobe beef smothered in a heavy Béarnaise sauce and foie gras, and asparagus dripping with Hollandaise sauce, as opposed to McDonald’s which sells nothing but fatty foods that are bad for you). Consider also that it is illegal to sell organs. No one seriously believes that people should be able to actually sell parts of their own bodies — the notion is ludicrous on its face. The less fortunate, the poorest of us (those who need the most guidance from people like me), would go around selling off pieces of themselves to the highest bidders, with no regard for their own health and safety.

And this of course affects us all.

We’re seeing encouraging signs. Who knows how many lives have been saved, for instance, by the FDA’s banning of Four Loko? This drink, which absurdly combined alcohol with caffeine, was obviously a danger to people who can’t “hold themselves in line.” More states are moving to ban the “potent hallucinogenic herb” salvia as well. This is a welcome step, as clearly people cannot be trusted with this. I don’t know what it is, but it sounds bad. A hallucinogenic herb? What if you got it confused with tarragon, and inadvertently put it in your Béarnaise sauce?

And let’s not forget the efforts of many in our state and local governments to prevent us texting while driving. This dangerous practice probably kills untold thousands of people every year, and existing laws against reckless driving aren’t enough to combat it. We simply must empower our law enforcement officials to pull over those of us who might make the bad decision to do it.

Our federal government is also taking the initiative in protecting us from the scourge of raw milk, raiding the farms of dealers of this dangerous substance. This is the only way to protect some people who would willfully ingest something that might contain “communicable diseases.”

Throughout this powerful essay, I have referenced a charmingly dolorous rural narrative by Merle Haggard entitled “I Can’t Hold Myself in Line.” In particular, I have referenced the third verse of the song. This verse is exceptionally bleak, but there is another lyric that will absolutely break your heart, if you have a heart to break. I have resisted referencing it up until now because I wanted to use it for my potent closing remarks. The lyric in question is from the second verse, and it is,

And you’re better off to just leave and forget me
‘Cause I can’t hold myself in line

Can you imagine living in a world in which those of us who can make good decisions, those of us who know the best way to live our lives, just turn our backs on those who can’t? Can you imagine just giving up on your fellow man, forgetting them, and simply allowing them to freely make terrible decisions that will ruin their lives? I can’t. I won’t. The rueful narrator of Mr. Haggard’s masterpiece must not be allowed to live his life without the guidance of those of us who can provide it. We will not leave you alone, sir, just because you can’t “hold yourself in line.” We will help you. Even if we have to send you to jail to do so.

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Ricky Sprague

Ricky Sprague occasionally writes and/or draws things. He sometimes animates things. He has a Twitter account and he has a blog. He scripted this graphic novel about Kolchak The Night Stalker. He is really, really good at putting links in bios.