10. “I just thought she was the silent type.”

9. “It was a female corpse; I’m not a pervert or anything!”

8. “The mortician did such a good job, she wasn’t just ‘lifelike,’ she was ‘hot!’”

7. “I thought she was exaggerating when she said she was ‘dead on her feet’.”

6. “It was like she was holding her breath in anticipation.”

5. “My buddies insisted I dig up a date for the senior prom.”

4. “I’m really into recycling!”

3. “After a hard day at work, there’s nothing more relaxing than coming home and cracking open a cold one.”

2. “All those flowers put me in a romantic mood.”

1. “I just love a girl who can’t say ‘No’.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, ends & odd, trusted media & news by Bob Sullivan
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Me: First of all, I’d like to thank you for taking the time to speak with me. I know you’re busy.

Obama: No problem.

Me: I really only have one question, though.

Obama: Great. Shoot.

Me: Could you identify any substantive differences between your policies on Iraq, Afghanistan, Guantanamo, stimulus spending, immigration, the War on Drugs, the War on Terror, the War on Poverty, presidential power, or military interventionism and those policies of George Bush?

Obama: Nope.

Me: Me either. Thanks for clearing that up.

Tags: ends & odd by Jay Baldwin
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I don’t need to tell you … a national college basketball tournament is well underway, and we’ve already seen some great action on the court. I’m really looking forward to one of tonight’s semi-final games, when the Chaparrals of Midland College (Texas) take on the Blackhawks of Southeastern College (Iowa).

Say, what?
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Tags: sports by Jeff McDonald
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Tags: politics & government, terror & war by Alexander Thorburn Hoffman
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It’s not often that I get to indulge in pure fantasy junk food. Paranormal romance is not my usual choice, but a friend was interested in Dark Prince, so I decided to give it a try before I passed it along. I had a stressful business trip on the schedule and I thought that some chiseled, supernaturally handsome vampires would be great company in my lonely hotel room – and I was right. Dark Prince is literary junk food – no nutritional value but oh, so tasty. [Read more →]

Tags: books & writing, Lisa Reads by Lisa Hura
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I just learned that my great Aunt Molly, one of my grandfather’s remaining siblings, passed away yesterday.

It took some time to process this information after I received the phone call from my cousin. I would be lying if I said we were particularly close –- it has easily been a year-and-a-half since the last time I saw her, since her health began to decline and she went into an assisted living center.

But Aunt Molly used to be one of the regulars at the Adult’s table growing up, and a sense of importance and regality surrounded her and the fact that she somehow out-adulted my own parents. I am 27 now, but Aunt Molly always seemed to be the same age: old –- old enough to seem delicate, but never in jeopardy of dying. This though, comes with almost 2 years of decline since the last time I saw her -– between reality and the memories I kept carefully preserved from it. [Read more →]

Tags: all work, getting older by Sara W. Moreno
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In the episode of “The Simpsons” entitled “Bart’s Comet,” Bart Simpson discovers a comet is heading straight toward Springfield. All the town’s inhabitants cram themselves into Ned Flanders’ bomb shelter; however, there isn’t room for everyone. As the citizens try to decide which of them will leave the shelter to die in the catastrophe, Krusty the Clown pleads his own case, and says,

“OK, OK, let’s figure out who should stay. The world of the future will need laughter, so I’m in.”

Or, put another way,

“That’s what comedians do!!! We react to tragedy by making jokes to help people in tough times feel better through laughter.”

That is a tweet from comedian Joan Rivers, in defense of another comedian, Gilbert Gottfried. Comedians are humor specialists who could be doing other more lucrative work, such as plumbing, but have instead decided to sacrifice themselves for the good of us all– to make us laugh in difficult times. [Read more →]

Tags: art & entertainment, trusted media & news by Ricky Sprague
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It didn’t take long for the rhetoric swirling around the current NFL/NFLPA tiff to remind me of how fast and how tired I became of the rhetoric that accompanied their 1987 tiff. It also emphasized that some players would be better off to let their actions on the field do their talking, rather than engaging their mouth. Back then, it was Tony Dorsett in the parking lot at Cowboys Stadium … this time it’s Adrian Peterson in a Yahoo Sports interview.
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Tags: sports, trusted media & news by Jeff McDonald
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Five years ago I flew into Texas, not knowing how long I would be here. Although I am generally bad with dates, I remember my arrival in the Lone Star state because it coincided with Austin’s South by South West music/media/film festival, which is running this week. And I recall that on that fateful plane journey I met a woman who was chaperoning a teenage rock band from Wales. They hoped to be “discovered” at the festival; their parents were concerned that their ambitious offspring would self destruct in a maelstrom of coke-snorting and whoring. [Read more →]

Tags: art & entertainment, trusted media & news by Daniel Kalder
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I remember a deucedly long van ride to Binghamton, New York. The various discussions among the band blur together now, but I distinctly recall sharply differing opinions as to whether one needs to actively wash one’s feet in the shower or whether the time said feet spend sloshing in the soapy water at the bottom of the tub does the hygienic trick. I also remember our soft-spoken and usually ironic lead guitarist, Jimmy, weighing-in on the debate, during a lull: [long silence] “Questions . . .” he said, languidly.

We were to play an open-air show to several thousand people, right next to the Susquehanna river, outside of a big hotel.  As we came into radio range of Binghamton, we began hearing advertisements: [Read more →]

Tags: artistic unknowns by Chris Matarazzo, music by Chris Matarazzo
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My last column concluded with the notion of discovering islands of meaning in the sea of information we find ourselves adrift in these days. I have since been pondering this, and have come to realize that I didn’t really think the matter through.

There is, to begin with, a problem with the metaphor. We discover real islands in real seas because they are unmistakably there on the horizon. But islands of meaning in the sea of information are not as immediately and irrefutably evident as an island in the Pacific. The fact is, different people can derive different meanings from exactly the same information. [Read more →]

Tags: religion & philosophy, that's what he said, by Frank Wilson by Frank Wilson
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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my favorite week of the year – the start of March Madness, St. Patrick’s Day, and my birthday (the 19^th). I told my mom last night that if this happened when I didn’t have a child, responsibilities, a mortgage, and graduate school, I would have probably exploded into a fiery ball of beer, blarney, buffalo wings, and brackets. But alas, I am turning 35 years old, and indeed have a child, responsibilities, a mortgage, and graduate school. If I were to explode this year, it would be full of stress, bills, research papers, and a trace amount of beer and buffalo wings. [Read more →]

Tags: getting older, Marty digs by Marty O'Connor
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It has begun. The battle of the billionaires vs. the millionaires. That’s what it all boils down to, doesn’t it? The National Football League is currently out of commission, and regardless of all of the excuses being thrown out by both sides, it really comes down to the money. On Friday, after a week delay that gave some cause for optimism, the NFL Players Association officially de-certified as a union, and were subsequently locked out by the team owners. The real losers, of course, are the fans. [Read more →]

Tags: bad sports, good sports by Alan Spoll
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10. You don’t care who you get your shamrocks off with

9. You keep going up to strangers and saying, “Ire me; I’m kiss-ish!”

8. You think a tube of toothpaste is astronaut food

7. You keep wishing someone would drive the snakes out of your head

6. You wonder how you wound up with a lower stomach tattoo that says “Kiss My Lucky Charms!”

5. You’re now thinking Sarah Palin is Presidential material

4. You can actually see leprechauns

3. You make Charlie Sheen look like Justin Bieber

2. You wonder how you wound up with a bent shillelagh

1. You spend the entire night doing your Linda Blair impression
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: advice, Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, drugs & alcohol, ends & odd by Bob Sullivan
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There have been a lot of “life-as-illusion” themed movies coming out lately. We’ve had Avatar, Inception, and TRON: Legacy, and this month alone there’s The Adjustment Bureau, Limitless, Sucker Punch and Source Code. All these films share themes of alternate realities, questions about what is reality, and insight into powers that might be manipulating the reality we live in. While I hope to discuss the most recent batch of these films in an upcoming column, for now I’d like to bring up one that slipped past the radar of many moviegoers. This film actually gave me goose bumps when it revealed an angle that I’ve only recently adopted, and have never before seen in any other movie. That film is Disney’s Tangled. [Read more →]

Tags: movies, religion & philosophy by Marc Oromaner
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I’ve always thought that King of the Hill – an animated television series that followed the lives of a family, their neighbors, friends and co-workers in the fictional town of Arlen, Texas – should be required viewing for people, such as myself, coming from ‘someplace else’ to make their home in the Lone Star State.  And there’s nothing like Texas Independence Day to stress that point … and to strengthen my bond with family man, propane man and quintessential Texan, Hank Hill.
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Tags: television by Jeff McDonald
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The first time I made donuts from scratch they were horrible. But that only encouraged me to keep trying. Many batches later, I came up with these almost fool-proof jelly donuts…light, airy, and kind of amazing when eaten warm. I encourage you to try them, and if the first batch is horrible, don’t give up!

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Tags: recipes & food by Jessica Alfreds
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I reconnected with an old friend in Japan late this week, and gained a greater appreciation for what might be possible through social media … even for old dinosaurs such as myself, who use Twitter, Facebook, et al., for work purposes, yet never get around to making our own, personal foray into that world. Now here I am, re-thinking that stance in light of a connection I made this week, with someone who is, himself, a newbie to Facebook.
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Tags: race & culture, trusted media & news by Jeff McDonald
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I would like to be the first contributor to come forward and give my prayers and condolences to Japan, who has been a staunch and valuable American ally for more than 50 years. I have family in Tokyo who is no doubt mortified of the circumstances. The U.S. is already sending supplies and support to the area. I commend the President for quickly pledging to help. This type of financial, capital, and logistical support is the real legacy of the United States, the one the rest of world sometimes fails to see.

Tags: ends & odd by Robert O'Hara
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When you are first dating someone you give them all the best stuff, right? Especially if you really hit it off. Because the people you really hit it off with bring out the best in you.  They make you funnier and sexier, and way more relaxed then you really are.

And that’s fine, right? If that didn’t happen, would anyone date at all? If we all started out with a laundry list of why we were such a mess, who would be interested? Well, except for people who are total masochists, or who think they can change you, or believe you will change for them, or are so crazy that they think you’re normal. We all know how relationships with crazy delusional masochists turn out, right? I couldn’t be the only one. Right? Right.

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Tags: square one by Van McCourt by Van McO
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