Hold that thought. And breath. And most especially that fart. You know good and well that you pollute the atmosphere with exhalations of any sort though what comes out of your body is nothing compared to what comes out of your tailpipe. Your auto tailpipe that is. Or your heater vent or the ductwork to your dryer but it all adds up. Burning is bad, you see. It warms up all the earth just as it warms your feet and while you may not have seen an open flame for days or weeks outside of an ashtray, somewhere some villain is burning in your name. He is burning gas, oil and even COAL for cripesake! And this warms the atmosphere. Which is bad.

If you were unaware that things are warming, it’s not all your fault. There has been some rounding-off of a previously sharp message. Savage blizzards are a consequence of the warming. Yes, yes they are. Of course what we had been told previously was that snowfall would be a much rarer occurence, threatening to dry out mighty rivers used to channeling snowmelt in the springs. But now that the actual weather has been uncooperative with the projections, it is the projections, properly, that give way.

Not all the projections, mind you. The projections into the next century, these are more valid than ever. Nothing proves warming like cooling! It is the exception that proves the rule. If temperatures are flat or cooling that naturally means we are in for even more rapid and violent warming. And nature is the key. Lately our experts admit that we may not know, foundationally, whether the earth is warming or cooling; drying or moistening; becalming or enraging but what we do know is that the climate is ALWAYS changing. It has taken fifteen years to draw out this admission so do not take it lightly. But that is not the end of accounting; natural change is good, or at least morally neutral. Unnatural change is not just problematic, but EVIL. The bright line is drawn between Natural and Unnatural change as defined by a clique that profits mightily from their service. And by their reckoning nothing is more Unnatural than Fire.

Sure, Fire is a chemical process and it IS found in Nature, but not often. Trees that require Fire as a part of their life cycle will generally have a long wait absent some kids with fireworks helping out, or an errant cigarette. Far and away Fire belongs to the world of Man and He is the true and foremost enemy.

The “warming” such as it is was always a proxy for the real foe. We can be certain of this because the newly coined “climate change” disaster is the newborn bastard of Global Warming, from yesterday, and Global Cooling from yesteryear. Who can forget the alarm of the eighties? Glaciers would soon threaten New York. Sea levels would drop calamitously as ice thickened north and south. Agriculture would suffer as meadows turn to deserts and deserts to SUPER deserts. The cause? Oh, same thing as now, you mowing your lawn or eating a hotdog. Only at that time it was postulated that the nasty pall of smoke accompanying any burning would reflect sunlight back out into space before it had the chance to warm the earth’s surface. This seems much more plausible than today’s theory of an ever thickening blanket of carbon causing warming, since we have all experienced a cool, cloudy day. But the problem is the predicted doom never did materialize. Rather there was a period of sharp warming. Again the modifications necessary to keep the war effort afloat never do reach to the core fact which is that the climate is ALWAYS changing and the closer we look the more change we are able to discern.

Nope, this is not a blurp in the statistical record due to radical changes in our available data. It’s Global Warming. Or Cooling. Or the ever-present Change. And yes, we know the climate changed, often quite quickly and radically before there ever was a Humvee or a Chuck-E-Cheese but by definition, these alterations were natural. Since such dreadful things DO now exist, any Change is artificial, profane and preventable by modest prophylactic action. It is quite clear what we must do. Since the easiest thing to burn are these solids, liquids and gasses from beneath our feet, best not let any man with a shovel dig too deep. A turnip rut’s depth should be fine. What legitimate need could there be for a hole any deeper than that? This is the logic that animates the greatest policy element of the threat to all of modern American life and the improvement of life abroad: the comprehensive and criminal bans on digging, drilling, refining, transporting and BURNING our vast domestic hydrocarbon wealth.

As capricious and mad as that may be, do not think that even capitulation in The War on Fire will bring about any sort of peace. As we know, the problem is not Fire. If it were we would have to take some serious action agains the recent volcano eruptions in Hawaii that exhale the equivalent of all the world’s fires of history in a week. The problem, the enemy, the issue is YOU. Your existence is an afront to the dignity of the planet, and anyone who aspires to argue with THAT had better position themselves to do so. Do you ignorantly run your WHOLE toaster for half a bagel? You are a dangerous wastrel but if you jet out to Burning Man and dance around a pseudo-pagan celebration of those twin elements of Hell, iron and fire, well, you are on the side of Right and Justice. Carry on. If you drive a truck because you occassionally truck things, this is an assault on the earth. If you drive a Prius or one of the recent phony electric cars, presumptively you are an informed and virtuous sort though any knowledgable person will know that your “carbon footprint” is not reduced by these frauds a bit.

You could buy carbon offsets, which is nothing but the ancient practice of planting trees in penance, but you will STILL not have bought back your soul because carbon, as we have seen, is not the issue and here is the final proof. If you make all the prescribed sacraments and ban carbon even from your flatulence there is a new and metaphysically unsolvable problem, thanks to your existence. It is the polutant nitrogen.

Yes, that clear, inert gas that is 80% of what you breath in, as well as what you breath out, is a deadly toxin. How so? Oh, same as carbon…. it warms up the planet unnaturally though if it becomes necessary I am sure we can find a way that it COOLS the planet. Or brightens it. Or moistens it. Or indeed, whatever we DON’T want done to it. So now of a certainty we know that The War on Fire, titanic as it is, is just a beard for The War on Man and this war won’t stop until either won or lost. A separate peace is not an option.

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