This week, thou shalt not make one Charlie Sheen joke or reference, however his brother Emilio Estevez  is still fair game. But the real issue today is that my commute to work is getting the better of me. According to Google maps, it is 8.3 miles from my doorstep to my workplace of Drexel University. Not bad, right? But the commute takes me anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour each day. My folly is that there is no good way to go. The options I have all gobble up money, time, my safety and my sanity.

The most sensible option for the environment, and to keep Al Gore at bay and all up out of my “bizness” is to take the PATCO train from New Jersey to the SEPTA Market Frankford El. It’s a nice easy 5 minute drive from my house to Camden to catch the train, and I have even figured out a way where I really only hit one traffic light. But the downside is that it costs $6.70 a day to do that. That is 134 bucks a month, on top of the Philadelphia City Wage tax that I am getting whacked over a hundred bucks a month with. This is my hard earned money that in my eyes would be better spent on food and clothes for my son, flowers and presents for my girlfriend, and booze and fried foods for me. And I hate taking the train, the PATCO train is so depressing in the morning and is full of dull, emotionless zombies droning their way into work. Then I need to get on SEPTA, which is always cramped and without fail I see a baby every morning being shuffled along by a mother or father that seems to care less about the baby. Seeing a baby on the SEPTA train in the morning ruins my day instantly – the Queen of England could step on the train with the baby Jesus and it would still upset me. The switchover from PATCO to SEPTA is always stressing, but more so on the way home. When trying to catch PATCO home after getting off SEPTA and seeing the train pull away is like losing a balloon when you were a kid. Then it’s a wait for what seems like an eternity. And when I get off PATCO, the ultimate sharp slap in the face is see another train pull up about a minute behind us.

On the way home, SEPTA is the worst   – it always smells like stale feet, hot sauce, stale urine, and fresh despair. And after seeing the video of a man attacking another man with a claw hammer (the attacker has his young son with him), I am always on edge. The other night, I saw a guy with not one tear, but a shower of tear tattoos below his eye. A tear tattoo, according to trusted source Wikipedia “is often used in prison to warn other convicts that the wearer has killed”. I thought for sure this guy was going to plunge a blade deep into my gut and leave me there bleeding through my Dockers to die on the sticky, disgusting floor to die. And it’s safe to say that my doughy bloated corpse would be stepped over by other commuting passengers and left to rot until SEPTA does its yearly cleaning of the trains. But I was safe, instead of stabbing me, he tried to sell me incense and bootleg kung fu DVD’s. Needless to say, SEPTA and PATCO are not my favorite option.

Another option I have is to drive in – that only costs me four dollars for the toll. But that 8.3 miles through the chop known as the Schyulkill Expressway is hell on earth in the morning, and even worse on the way home. And to park, I have to either pay five bucks at a meter to be close, or park my car in a rather rough neighborhood and walk to campus. Today I drove in, and I am parked one mile away from my building. So the drive time plus the walk time can take up to an hour each way. The thing that drives me nuts is all the two hour parking during the day that is closer to campus. During the day is when people are at work, so who cares if someone is parked in front of your house? It should be 2 hour parking at night, unless you have a permit. I don’t get it. And one day, I was threatened by someone in the neighborhood that said I can’t leave my car in an area that has no signs or restrictions. Foolishly, I argued with the guy until he came running at me so I jumped into my beat up old Altima and did my best Fast and Furious impersonation.        

The last option I have is to take PATCO only and walk the rest of the way, this costs $4.10 a day. But it is a mile and a half walk, and takes about 20 minutes for the walk alone. And right now, it is too cold to do that. But it is a good little workout, and come spring, a fun walk to do. I’ve always loved walking through the city because you always see something funny or bizarre.   

Finally, I am kicking the idea of biking to work around. For Christmas, my parents got me exactly what every 34 year old man wants as a gift – a shiny new bicycle! And since I am trying to whip myself into shape, this will help me get some exercise, and at the same time be a totally free commute. Google Maps says it takes 45 minutes to bike – so it would be the same time commute, just cheaper, healthier, and friendlier to the environment. Believe it or not, walking would take 2 hours and 34 minutes by the way! I am eager for the weather to change so I can try to bike it to work and piss off people driving cars in the city like all the hipsters do to me now.

 Wrapping up, my commute is rough – so close, yet so far away. I had an easier time commuting a smooth sailing hour drive to Newark, Delaware back in my free-wheeling, corporate wanna-be early 20’s. Back then, my Altima still had all its functioning and working parts, and was a pleasure to drive an hour each way with no traffic to fret about. But now, my commute is beating me up to the point where I couldn’t even find a good place to make an Emilio Estevez joke in this blog.

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