One of my daily traditions involves laying down for a late morning nap. It is not only energizing, but also a pleasant way to “skip over” a few hours of the day which would be spent in debilitating anxiety. Normally, upon waking up from these naps, I go about my usual business of watching Wife Swap and waiting until the sun goes down so I can go to sleep again. Yesterday, however, I clicked over to one of my favorite television news outlets, and was immediately guilt stricken.
As it turns out, NASA had discovered an entirely new form of life. Much to my dismay, this life was found in Mono Lake, California. Okay, NASA. I admit it. I am responsible for this new life form you have discovered. I’m sorry.
Let me explain. It all began back in the Summer of 2010. Twitter was bigger than ever. The economy was booming. I was the most popular guy in high school. Life was the best. It was during this time that I had decided to go on a little vacation with the wife and kids. It had been a tough year, and frankly, I thought we deserved it. My buddy George from work’s wife is a travel agent, so we ended up getting a really killer deal on a 3 day 4 night resort stay in Rancho Cucamonga, California. The kids were thrilled. I was thrilled. This would be the best vacation ever.
The first two nights were spent swimming in the Knights Inn jacuzzi, and by day three, we were ready to have some down time. We saw in the local paper that the film Marmaduke was playing in a nearby theater, and decided to treat ourselves to some big screen thrills.
Ninety minutes later and we were all in total agony. The kids were crying and my wife was about ready to kill me! (You know what I’m talking about, guys). I was so distraught at the misery I had caused to my family that I immediately dropped them back at the Inn, and set off in my rental sedan to blow off some steam.
A quick stop to the Quik Stop to stock up on snacks, and I was on my way, cruising up the freeway and doing anything I could to get my mind off the tragedy which had occurred earlier. What kind of a father was I? How could I do this? There were so many questions that I knew I could never answer. The only thing I knew was that the Sun Chips and Diet Mountain Dew I was consuming were doing a number on my belly, and things were going south quickly.
Five hours later and I couldn’t handle it any more. Quickly, I threw the car to the shoulder of the road and erupted from my seat. A mile or so back I had seen signs for Lake Mono, and I figured that would be as good a place as any to have my release. The Garden Salsa Sun Chips were on their way back up, and I reckoned a lake would be the best place to put them. Back to nature, Chips.
The water bubbled as the Sun Chips broke the surface. A stark sizzle could be heard in the silence of the night. I knew I had made a mistake. But what could I do? There was no getting them back, and frankly, that lake looked disgusting. I high tailed it back to the hotel, and never spoke a word of it to anyone.
So there you have it. A few months later, and we are faced with an entirely new form of life in Lake Mono. Do I regret it? Of course. Being able to play God isn’t some fun game of vomit and CGI dogs; it’s a burden. Who knows what kind of implications I could face from the government by even sharing this information with you. I just have to come clean, is all. Any good man would do the same thing! And with that, readers, I am shutting off my computer to enter the panic room. I can’t face the world anymore. If you could, just text me when this all dies down. I’ll have my phone on.
Latest posts by Matt Scottoline (Posts)
- Trying to tell my grandkids about SXSW 2011 - March 25, 2011
- Scrabble word or Words With Friends for iPhone word? - January 14, 2011
- Holiday Gift Guide 2010 - December 17, 2010
- NASA discovers new life form; I apologize for creating it - December 3, 2010
- Making a case for Four Loko (with a case of Four Loko) - November 19, 2010