Barack Obama’s car
Our metaphorist-in-chief, Barack Obama, has apparently been getting a lot of “mileage” out of his latest metaphor, in which he likens the state of the economy to an automobile.
The first time President Barack Obama used the metaphor at a Democratic fundraiser in April, he spent exactly four sentences on it: “And yet, after driving our economy into the ditch, they decided to stand on the side of the road and watch us while we pulled it out of the ditch,” Obama said at the Los Angeles event for Sen. Barbara Boxer of California. “They asked, ‘Why haven’t you pulled it out fast enough?’ ‘I noticed there’s, like, a little scratch there in the fender. Why didn’t you do something about that?'”
That is a great metaphor. You can see why he makes the big bucks. Enough that his wife can afford to go on great trips to Spain (do you think she ate any paella while she was there? I love paella). It’s easily equal to his other great metaphor, the one about the medical care bill being like planting seeds in a garden, only we don’t know what kind of seeds we planted, so we need to wait and see what comes up.
Actually, it’s a better metaphor, since it reminds people of “Cash for Clunkers,” arguably the president’s greatest accomplishment. But just because it’s a better metaphor, that doesn’t mean the president isn’t constantly working to improve it:
The president keeps expanding on it. This week, as he repeated it at fundraisers across the country, it continued to balloon into several paragraphs and with bells and whistles tacked on in all directions.
Obama changes features around. He introduces new characters. He adds new props. The other day he decided Republicans were sipping Slurpees as they watched Democrats dig out the car. (Incidentally, Obama is the only president to ever use the word “Slurpee” in a speech, according to the archives of The American Presidency Project).
Genius! But he is still being far too cautious with this metaphor. He needs to be bolder! He needs to drive that metaphor. Further. The way you drive a car. With the pedal to the metal. So to speak.
For the entirety of my so far very short life (I am a young man), both democrats and republicans have “driven” the government. They have gone to great lengths to ensure that members of other parties, and those without any party affiliation, have a very difficult time making it into “the driver’s seat.”
“We’ve made sure that third-party candidates don’t get their hands on our keys!” Obama needs to say. (Can you imagine how much worse off we would be if someone who wasn’t a democrat or a republican got elected to a major political office?)
It’s as if the economy is one of those “economy” cars that you sometimes get stuck with when you don’t pay close attention at the rental agency. And the rental agency is run by the American people. They say to the renters, “Here is your car, the 2010 American Economica, please take care of it.”
Then the renters (politicians) say, “Okay, I won’t do anything to mess it up.”
And then when they take the keys, they wink.
They don’t pay for the insurance. They take that money and spend it on metaphorical cigarettes. Then they pass a law saying that it’s illegal to smoke inside your car, except they attach a rider to that law exempting the car they’re driving.
The more responsible people who aren’t necessarily affiliated with either of the “major” political parties say things like, “You guys better get the insurance, and don’t drive too fast, and take off that blindfold when you’re driving.” So the democrats and republicans beat those people with a crowbar, and throw them in the trunk of the car.
Then they take turns driving.
They drive the car wherever they feel like it. Open roads. Back roads. Highways. They drive the wrong way down one-way streets. They make left turns on red. When they bother to stop at stoplights, they pull all the way out into the cross walk, so that when you’re out running you have to run all the way out into oncoming traffic to get around the front of their car. When the “check oil” light comes on, if they notice it at all, they just laugh and say, “We don’t have to check the oil right this minute! This car’s got another good 10,000 miles in it, easy!”
When the gas gauge indicates “E,” if they notice it at all, they laugh and say, “This car’s got another good 10,000 miles in it, easy!”
Then they all get drunk for awhile.
Occasionally one of the democrats or republicans will say something like, “Maybe we ought to slow down on this road, since it’s raining pretty hard and visibility is low.” That’s when they pull the car over, use their crowbars to beat the shit out of that person, and throw him in the trunk. (This is all metaphorical, of course. They’re not actually physically beating him, they’re just ridiculing and marginalizing him.)
Then they get back in that car and start driving again!
Finally they decide they need to get gas. But while the gas tank was half full, they passed a bunch of regulations concerning the locations of gas stations. They didn’t want a bunch of gas stations to mar the scenery while they were driving around. So now there aren’t any around when they really, really need one. So then they start campaigning against the gas stations. They’re too greedy, they say. Gas station companies aren’t building in locations that are convenient for people. Gas stations are hoarding their money. Also, they’re not hiring fast enough. So they pass more regulations about where gas stations can be built, and then they mandate that at least 30 new gas stations have to be built before the car needs to stop for gas again. And they want to oversee how those stations are built, so, without even stopping the car, they take their hands off the wheel and start sending text messages to regulators.
U R apointid ;), the text messages say.
Then when they gas up, they complain that the price is too high. They pass a law saying that gas has to be a certain price. Then they pass another law exempting themselves from having to pay the mandated price.
Oh and of course if the gas isn’t at least 60% ethanol, they’ve got to find another station. Also, since they already spent their gas money on some war or another, they have to print more money to pay for it.
Meanwhile, there’s stuff falling off the car. And it’s not just stuff you don’t need, like hubcaps and rear view mirrors. I’m talking about the radiator (I don’t know much about cars. If it were up to me, this would be a metaphor about comic books or French enema fiction. That is stuff I know about. But it’s Obama’s metaphor so I have to do the best I can).
When the radiator falls off the car, the party that isn’t driving all of a sudden becomes indignant about it. “You let the radiator fall off the car!” they say.
“We don’t need a radiator!” is the reply.
Then, the other party starts driving, and all of a sudden they realize, “Hey, this car doesn’t run perfectly, but it’s okay that it doesn’t have a radiator; we can still go pretty far in this car! (it’s got sturdy American Economica construction).”
Then the carburetor falls off. “We weren’t using that anyway,” says the person who’s driving.
The party in the passenger seat starts wailing about losing the carburetor. “A car needs a carburetor!” they squeal.
“What does a carburetor do, anyway?” the drivers ask.
“We don’t know, but a car needs one!”
Then they decide that this is a serious issue, and in the spirit of “bipartisanship” they pass a law that every car on the road must have a carburetor. They attach to that law a rider exempting their own car. Then they get back on the road!
Then somebody hears about a mosque being built in New York! Suddenly everyone in the car is sending text messages again. They’re not watching the road!
We R outraged :( they text.
Then when they pull their attention away from the mosque, or the internet gambling, or whatever important thing they’re so concerned about, and turn back to the road, they see that ditch coming up.
“Speed up!” they say, in unison. “If we speed up, we can jump over that ditch and the car will be fine!”
But the car, the American Economica, has been driven too hard. The oil was never changed. The radiator wasn’t flushed (also, it fell off). The tires weren’t rotated (who wants to make “tire rotation” a campaign issue, anyway?).
When the car inevitably ends up in that ditch, the democrats and republicans take out crowbars and begin to bang on the outside of the car.
“If we hit it hard enough, it will probably pop out of the ditch!” the democrats say.
“They’re hitting it too hard!” the republicans cry out. “It’s going to take softer, gentler bangs against the body to get this car out!”
Meanwhile there are people in the trunk screaming, “Let us out! We know how to fix this!” but the democrats and republicans cannot hear them, over the sound of their banging.
“I haven’t heard any better ideas!” the democrats and republicans say, as they continue to squabble over just how much force they should use in hitting the car.
Then they stop hitting the car with their crowbars just long enough to appropriate money for high-speed rail lines from San Francisco to Los Angeles. Also, how about another from Iowa City to Chicago while they’re at it? Trains are the wave of the future — they certainly look better than this beat up old car!
Then they all go out and confiscate a bunch of other cars from people, for national security reasons, and all go off in different directions, driving in circles for awhile, until finally they all crash into each other, laughing maniacally. Then, after crashing everything and making a general mess, they have the police come out and block off traffic in all directions for hours and hours while they “just hang out.”
Meanwhile, back at the rental place, the morons who rented them the car realize they were paid with a fake credit card. It’s a total loss!
There’s your car metaphor.
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Maybe this was something my subconscious extracted from DirecTV, but I seem to recall having a dream the other night that Hollywood re-made Stephen King’s “Christine” with an electric car as the antagonist. I’ve blathered about the Christine bit online already, but I think it bears repeating. The concept fits seamlessly with the material that”drives” Obama’s current rhetoric.
Brilliant piece. They won’t hear your cries though over the sound of their maniacal laughter and crowbar banging.