Today is Mother’s Day, and what better way to celebrate my mom than by comparing her to others who fall short? Here are five famous (or infamous) mothers whose DNA I am grateful I do not share.

Dina Lohan

When Lindsay Lohan said she wanted to take her mama out all night, yeah, and show her what it’s all about, Mama Dina said “Great! Lemme just grab my lip gloss and your underage sister.” We thought Dina had the Mother of the Year award in the bag when she invited Entertainment Tonight with her to visit Lindsay in rehab. The world’s most famous Fake Rockette managed to top even herself, though, when she actually drove her addict daughter to a bar. That’s right, Dina is literally leading that horse to water. And by water, we mean Jose Cuervo. This woman is a great mom and a great American!

Ayelet Waldman

Well, this one is a no-brainer. Waldman, after all, published a memoir titled Bad Mother. But she gave the epithet a whole new meaning by writing in the New York Times that she loves her husband, Pulitzer Prize winning author Michael Chabon, (who, in case you were wondering, is straight. Flamingly, fabulously straight.) more than she does their four children. I don’t believe it, you say? Waldman is clearly just making a distinction between romantic love and maternal love, you argue? Sadly, no: In the article, Waldman makes clear that should something terrible happen to one or, heck, even all of her children, she wouldn’t be as consumed with grief as she would be if she lost her husband, Straighty McStraighterson. And, in case you were wondering, Waldman assures us that Chabon feels the same way towards her. During their “torrid” heterosexual intercourse, which Waldman describes in sexy, sexual detail, they often talk about how they love each other more than those “tangential” kids of theirs. I like dirty talk just as much as the next gal, Ayelet, but that just seems cruel.

Demi Moore

One of the job requirements of being a mom is teaching your child the skills she needs to make it in this cruel rat race of a world. For example, my mom taught me how to sew, which allowed me to score a work-study gig making costumes for my university’s theater department. When Demi Moore decided it was time to pass on her maternal wisdom to eldest daughter Rumor, she did so by teaching her how to pole dance, a skill that can also be used to pay your way through college. To each her own, I guess.

Torry Hansen

When the puppy she adopted from Russia refused to do his business on the paper, Torry Hansen did what any woman would do: She returned him to the orphanage with a note in his pocket. Wait, that wasn’t a puppy? This recent international scandal led to Russian officials calling for a moratorium on U.S. adoptions from Mother Russia. You know you’ve failed as a mom when your actions single-handedly give Russia the moral high ground. For shame, Hansen. What would Angelina say??

Betty Draper

Sure, she’s a fictional character but “Mad Men” heroine Betty Draper is cold! She’s as cold as ice! And someday she’ll pay the price, I know! Choice moments in parenting from the housewife who put the mystique in femininity include telling her son to cure his boredom by banging his head against the wall and leaving two of her children home to celebrate Christmas with the maid while she hopped a flight to Reno for a quickie divorce. Brrrrrr. Needless to say, Mom, I love you and I’m thankful that you never let me run around with a plastic dry cleaning bag over my head.

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