Weekend box office predictions for the weekend of May 7-9 (Mother’s day weekend)
Sorry I’m late getting in this weekend’s box office predictions, but it’s MOTHER’S DAY ON SUNDAY and I don’t mean to shout like that but you all got to remember to get your mother something nice. She did all those great things for you. She taught you right (helping little old granny ladies across the street) from wrong (kicking little old granny ladies down the street). She locked you in the closet for eight hours a day when you did poorly on your grammatical tests. She took you to your first cockfight. She let you stay up until way past your bedtime so that you could watch “Carrie” with her, back when HBO would only show R-rated movies at night and she was too scared to watch it by herself. She pretended not to notice when you stole her cigarettes and smoked them yourself (she was trying to quit anyway). She taught you how to hold your liquor.
So get her something nice on Sunday, huh? At least a card with one of those messages that’s real heartfelt, a sort of “Thanks for all the great stuff you did for me” (choose from list in paragraph above)!
Now that all of that weepy stuff is out of the way, let’s take a look at this weekend’s box office predictions!
No 1: Prilosec Man. This is the big movie that everybody is talking about, and my sources tell me that with its six quadrant appeal (men, women, kids, old people, flyover country people and sophisticated urbanites on the coast), this movie should coast to an easy victory, probably making in the neighborhood of 47 squillion dollars. This will mean it will fall far short of The Dark Fight‘s 58 squillion, but nobody at the production company is complaining about that. What people are complaining about is the fact that Robert Downey Jr. isn’t getting any love from Academy voters. My sources who have seen the film claim that his portrayal of a man whose duodenum is injured, and whose acid reduction medicine gives him super powers (he poops ramen noodles) is eminently believable, especially for a popcorn genre picture such as this. I guess Downey will just have to console himself with the tons and tons of money he’s making from this bankable franchise (next up in the series: The Ex-Lax Men).
No 2: A Nightmare on Film Street. This movie features Kelly Leak as a former little league baseball player who is mercilessly taunted by his peers (the fat kid, the funny kid, the shy kid, the pretty tomboy, the alcoholic kid, the juvenile delinquent, the lawyer) and is accidentally killed in a little league baseball factory explosion (he’s locked in a closet by the shy kid). Well, he comes back from the dead and wreaks his vengeance on them, killing them in ironically appropriate ways while cracking wise (for instance, when he puts on cleats and stomps on this one kid’s face, he says, “Cleats for the memories!” [actually I don’t get that, but my sources claim it’s very funny in [genre] context]). This movie did boffo box offic biz last weekend, but I expect a serious drop off typical of little league-themed horror films (The Texas Shortstop Massacre dropped a whopping 400% in its second weekend), so look for it to make about $98 zillion. As one rival exec told me, “It’s still batting .378!”
No 3: The Back-Up Dragon. After Jennifer Lopez’s previous film, En Continence, no one expected her to come roaring back the way she has in what has been called “her most challenging role” by her publicity department. As a misunderstood dragon with an enormous anus, she is winning numerous plaudits from both critics and auds (“audiences”). Before A Nightmare on Film Street stole its thunder, this movie pretty much had the family audience all to itself. But now it doesn’t so look for its weekend to drop off to about $449 sillion, for an impressive cume of $94 somellion.
No 4: Date Fight. Ricky Gervais and Sarah Palin are the new Hepburn and Tracy in this madcap comedy romp featuring the former comedian and the former politician starring together for the first time, as a bickering couple who go out on a date and spend the entire date bickering (“date fighting,” as they say in the current parlance). Already studio execs are looking for a new project in which to cast these two, because their chemistry is so good. I’m told some possibilities include the hot spec script property “Tonight We Fight,” and “Unhappily Married on Mars,” based on the famous board game about a bickering couple who take a trip to Mars (and save the world)! As of right now, this film’s made an impressive $87 lillion, but when this weekend’s grosses are factored in (my sources are estimating about $39 sespitillion) I expect the cume to go that much higher (you do the math).
No 5: Furrys’ Vengeance. For some reason, auds just haven’t responded to this film about animal-suit fetishists who get dressed up in their animal suits to stop a greedy land developer from developing the land where they have their “dungeon zoo,” i.e., the place where they like to get dressed up as animals and have sexual relations with each other! I’m told that many audience members were disappointed (Cinemascore rating is a dismal “B+”) because they expected less doggy style and more zebra style animal fetishist-on-animal fetishist action! Also, Brendan Fraser is in it. Look for this film to take in about $56 tensillion, for a total estimated cume of $44 something.
No 6: Clash of the Rioters. This film about Greeks who protest against their Gods’ “austerity measures” by rioting and setting fires got off to a strong start, but seems to have really slowed down lately. My sources tell me that while the domestic auds haven’t responded, many in the European Union are totally into it, and it’s going over like gangbusters there. In fact, my sources tell me to expect similar prods from Spain and Portugal any day now! I’m predicting a good $98 trillion for a total cume that is mind-boggling.
No 7: Photo of Chris Evans as Captain America. This isn’t actually a film, it’s just a teaser picture from the upcoming Captain America movie. But, seriously, what else is there? I’m predicting this will take in about $87 this weekend.
No 8: Kick-Ass At The Funeral. A superhero funeral is the setting for this comedy/dramedy about a group of superheroes who convene on a funeral for another superhero (Nicolas Cage). I’m told (I don’t actually watch any of this shit) that the perfs are what elevate this pic to its current cult status– also that there is a little girl in it who does a lot of controversial stuff (knocks over the casket and dismembers the corpse). The critics loved it, but mainstream auds are confused by its sophistication, so I’m predicting a solid if underwhelming $75 million on a $457 million cume (if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it at least twice– why studios insist on producing these films with only two-quadrant appeal is beyond me).
No 9: Machete Trailer. In a bold move, filmmaker Robert Rodriguez (“the Sam Raimi of Canada” -Roger Ebert) decided to release his newest film, Machete Trailer, directly to youtube. I’m told that rival studios are stunned, as it’s unclear just how he plans to make any money (hint: merchandising). My sources confirm that the trailer was shot using non-union workers in order to keep down the costs, but that has union leaders up in arms, and also certain lawmakers. Look for this film to go a long way toward changing our current national laws, and our attitudes. $58 million.
No 10: Babies. Seriously. This is a movie about babies. I would rather have diarrhea for two hours than watch a movie about babies. I’m told they don’t even talk, which is a necessity in any film about talking babies (I’m told the babies don’t talk). Even though the studio is expecting big things from this pic (my sources tell me that test audiences began lactating during the opening credits) I still believe the competition is just too high in this jammed-to-the-balconies weekend, so look for this one to bring in about $25 million.
That covers it this weekend! Happy moviegoing and remember– do something nice for your mother! Take her to the movies!
Latest posts by Ricky Sprague (Posts)
- Meet the start-ups that are thriving in the current economic recovery - May 27, 2016
- How a Wonder Woman comic from 1942 led to the Great California Cow Exodus of 2012, maybe - November 28, 2012
- A common-sense approach to restoring economic prosperity - November 19, 2012
- New Philip K. Dick novel too absurd to be believed - September 17, 2012
- My 90 Days, 90 Reasons submission - September 12, 2012
Print This Post
That first paragraph should be on a greeting card.
Do you happen to know whether Prilosec Man use the prescription-strength variety?
And does that infamous Greek dog (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ynews/20100507/ts_ynews/ynews_ts1963_2) make a cameo in Clash of the Rioters?
My sources are telling me that Riot Dog will be SPUN OFF into his own film tentatively entitled CLASH OF THE RIOTERS ORIGINS: RIOT DOG, to be released May 2012! Look out MEN IN BLACK 3!
Spoiler alert: It’s actually Prilosec OTC! But you didn’t hear that from me!
In the immortal words of Johnie Most, “Somebody give me some oxygen!”
Laugh if you want (and I certainly can’t seem to stop at the moment), but someone from Marvel’s copyrighting “Riot Dog” as I write.