I watched The Marriage Ref on Sunday.

This is not TiVo’s fault (I love you, TiVo, and I know you’re reading this because you can do anything. ANYTHING.) TiVo knows I’d basically lay over train tracks for Ricky Gervais and, so, it thought it perfectly acceptable to tape the latest episode of Jerry Seinfeld’s new show on NBC, The Marriage Ref, where Ricky Gervais joined “panel” guests Larry David and Madonna. Larry David and Ricky Gervais in the same room? I am only human for God’s sake.

And, clearly, that’s exactly the reaction that Jerry Seinfeld was hoping for- that I would dumbly follow my comedy gods anywhere. I spent the next forty minutes wincing and burying my head in my hands.

There is an element of phoning-it-in for a television show where you actually start to feel insulted. Don’t get me wrong- David was fine, Gervais was fine, Madonna continues to successfully act like some weird caricature of herself- but the rest of it was just awful.

The premise is that a real, honest-to-goodness married couple has a fight on a giant television screen. The celebrity panel mocks them, chooses sides on the argument and declares a winner. The married couple gets vaguely excited that they’re on TV, they wonder off-camera where Jerry Seinfeld is, get the verdict for their fight, and nothing has changed in their lives whatsoever. The host, former stand-up comedian Tom Papa, struggles to remember throughout the show that the money for this job is very, very good (he’s got kids, college is expensive, I totally get it) and that he might get to meet Ashton Kutcher next week.

The problems with this set-up are as follows:

1.  A premise contrived based on delusional logic.

Nothing brings an audience of real people closer to non-real people (aka celebrities) like watching those celebrities mock and criticize real people. Right? Bueller?  You know, there is a reason why the popular kids in your high school were not allowed to have a school TV show where they make fun of all the losers and it was streamed live into classrooms.

2. This is a joke right? Where’s John McEnroe?

With the audience in attendance, the fancy stage, the nonsensical set-up and the gimmicky premise, it reminded me an awful lot of “Gold Case,” Kenneth the Page’s disastrous game show for 30 Rock. And by that I mean a poorly conceived show that feels like a fake show within an actual show. Always nice to spend millions of dollars on something like that as another scripted series bites the pilot dust.

3. Even the celebrity guests know, just as that beleaguered high school principal knows, that “This is a very bad idea for a show.”

Surprisingly, with Larry David in the room, the most awkward part of the show was when David and Gervais blatantly discussed how awful and weird the show is.  At least I have proof for when I sue Seinfeld for this hour of my life back.

4. I’m sorry but the “panel” for this episode consisted of three people who are judging real married couples and yet NO ONE ON THE PANEL IS CURRENTLY MARRIED.

Larry David is famously divorced and we all know what’s happening in Madonna’s house better than she does (it ain’t Guy Ritchie). Ricky Gervais, frankly, has the longest-running relationship but has never actually made it legal. These are our relationship experts? Why not grab famous married couples (like Ted Danson and Mary Steenbergen)? Or famous people who are married to nobodies for more than the LA Standard (that would be 10 years, aka Pre-Nup is Up Time). Or maybe actual marriage counselors?

But, see, if they had done that, I wouldn’t have been lured to the show with that damned comedy god carrot.

5. NBC is piping in Jerry Seinfeld’s name as producer whenever possible.

NBC, I have news for you. You’re not going to like it. See, celebrities are awarded a certain amount of stock points- let’s call them Affection Points. Basically, the more Affection Points we have piled up for the person, the more likely we are to put up with their misfires. Alec Baldwin should kiss Tina Fey on the mouth every day because, thanks to her show, his points have piled so high that we all completely disregarded that nasty voicemail message he left for his daughter.

Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. Let’s talk for a second- unidentified blogger with digestive issues to rich, former comedian:  You were the star of the most beloved sitcom of all time. It left us with a LOT of Affection Points, helped by how heavily Seinfeld is in syndication. But you have blown through these points over the last five years like Gary Busey through a cocaine farm. Your first project back into the world was that animated movie about bees (“Cartoon movies make a ton of money! Let’s do it!”). You promoted it so much that I now hate bees. You bashed that writer for suing your wife over the kerfluffel over her Hide Your Veggies In a Brownie cookbook. Regardless of whether or not the claim was unfounded, you are at the top of the heap and that writer is decidedly not- it wasn’t classy, Jerry.

You backed NBC & Jay Leno’s return to The Tonight Show, as if I needed another reason to grind my teeth at night. I think you were serious when you said Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin were laugh riots hosting the Oscars, which leads me to believe that maybe you should go back to stand-up… in the Catskills. And stop popping up at Saturday Night Live to say things. Seth Myers, frankly, has enough problems with pulling SNL out of Comedy Hell. You do not own the question, “Really?”

This latest enterprise confirms my suspicions that you have lost all perspective. It’s time to move out of both LA and New York, give your whole fortune away to charity and move to a small town, maybe in the Rust Belt or something. Get to know us again, Jerry. Go back to your roots. Maybe start observing the real world again, the way most of us actually live it. Go to a post office. Put your kids in a public school, the kind with ancient textbooks and weekly PTA meetings. Start to remember who the good guys are. You might begin to see what I’m talking about. You might even learn to be funny again.

In case you’re wondering, that’s the show that I really would like to see.

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