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Michelle Obama takes on the menace of fat kids

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Nancy Reagan used her powers of persuasion in her capacity as First Lady to get us all to “just say ‘no‘” to drugs. Now everyone knows that crack is whack, and only losers are users. Drug use is now the exclusive province of entertainers who take drugs purely for their value as entertainment to us. Barbara Bush focused like a laser beam on literacy, and taught a nation to read. The fact that you’re able to read this now is proof of her success in that endeavor. Hillary Clinton delivered on her promise of providing affordable and effective healthcare to every citizen, regardless of income level or pre-existing condition. Laura Bush focused like a laser beam on literacy, and taught a nation to read. The fact that you’re able to read this now is proof of her success in that endeavor.

We’ve been waiting for over a year to discover what weighty issue our current First Lady, Michelle Obama, would eliminate. And now we know, she is bringing her considerable persuasive heft to convince us all that we need to stop being so fat.

Her first weapon in this endeavor is her White House garden. Mrs. Obama understands that nothing inspires Americans more than a privileged woman tending a small garden while living on a fabulous estate with servants catering to her every need. That is why Martha Stewart has so many followers on twitter.

Already the citizens are stirring, as small gardens are popping up on the fabulous estates of wealthy women all over the country. Also, some city parks. Our average weights are starting to decline.

Mrs. Obama’s next weapon is a catchy, concise slogan. “Let’s Move” is as memorable as “Just say ‘no.'” It sticks in the head because it reminds people that “moving” is essential to losing weight, and that we all have to do it. It’s easy to forget to move. The slogan has the added bonus of subliminally reminding people of Mrs. Obama’s garden, where “let’s” = “let us” = “lettuce.” Lettuce is good for you.

Lettuce move!

Her next weapon is perhaps her most powerful: her own husband. She got him to sign a document in which he bravely came out against childhood obesity. This bold stand by the president gives extra weight to her “Let’s Move” endeavor. The president moved his pen, so we can move, too.

Can you feel the pounds melting away?

Perhaps just as helpful as the slogan and the garden will be the new FDA regulations. For instance, making food packaging more “consumer friendly” will be helpful to those for whom the slogan “Let’s Move” might be too sophisticated. And, while many people have gotten fat because they’ve been forgetting to move, many others have gotten fat because they’ve been inadvertently eating candy bars that they mistook for celery stalks. Making food labeling easier to understand is definitely going to clear up that confusion.

Offering tax breaks to convince grocery stores to open in “food deserts” is also going to help lower our collective weight. Grocery stores offer nothing but nutritious fare, which is why we need more of them. And as we all know, using the government to provide financial incentives for people to move into areas they normally wouldn’t is always a good idea.

Then there’s the gentle reminders to forgetful children that they should exercise for an hour a day. For a long time, people wondered why it was that Arnold Schwarzennegger, in his capacity as the chairman of the President’s Council on Physical Fitness during the first Bush administration, was unable to convince kids to exercise. The answer, of course, was that he was never First Lady. It’s not until the spouse of a president goes after an issue that it ever really gets taken care of.

And now that Mrs. Obama has taken on this issue, I look forward to a future that is not plagued by the menace of fat kids.

Ricky Sprague occasionally writes and/or draws things. He sometimes animates things. He has a Twitter account and he has a blog. He scripted this graphic novel about Kolchak The Night Stalker. He is really, really good at putting links in bios.
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2 Responses to “Michelle Obama takes on the menace of fat kids”

  1. Sure, this is pretty dumb, and as Michelle expressly admits, gub action on this sort of thing has a record unblemished by success but at least it is the sort of problem that a First Lady would properly address. Laura and Barbara Bush had their pet causes though just through exortation, nothing wrong with that. Hillary, of course, enjoyed an extra-Constitutional office that in the end achieved nothing but giving her a record… not a good record but a record… of high-level gub experience. Nancy’s famous “Just Say No” is not actually an adamantine drug-warrior pose. She was responding to a question about the necessity and efficacy of the then infant Drug War. Her rather sensible position was that the drug problem would be best corrected by drug consumers ceasing to buy and consume drugs; a position I endorse as it would minimize gub expenditures on this anti-Constitutional boondoggle and hold down prices. It’s Win-Win!

  2. We should all just hang a picture of Mrs. Obama on our refridgerators. Thats enough to make anyone feel like not eating.

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