Dear Ruby Mac,
Did you ever see the episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry David used a death in the family to cancel every social obligation on his calendar? I envied the genius of this, but now have an obligation-cancelling device of my own. I have been plagued with a bad back and while through intense physical therapy and regular exercise I’m getting slowly better, I have found that my condition is the perfect excuse to get out of things.

I no longer have to help people move as heavy lifting is forbidden. Travel to see friends, go catch a game, or get together for a card game? Sorry, if I sit more than sixty minutes without stretching and applying ice packs to my back I’m in for some seriously nagging pain.

The question is: As the doctor assures me that some day I will feel much better, how long after that can I milk this bad back excuse for escaping social obligations?

The Chronic

Dear The Chronic,

The answer is, “Until they catch on,” which means Never. That’s not enough for a column, however, so Ruby will have to expound.

As with the last shy person I bailed out, I fully support your desire to avoid socializing. You need face time like a kangaroo rat needs Evian. So, you’ve developed a very useful condition.

Here’s what I’ve seen people with bad backs get:

• the bulkhead
• rides on airport carts
• out of shoveling
• partner on top all the time
• the good chair
• the expensive mattress
• all the drugs leftover from the last minor surgery
• fawning attention and sympathy and massages
• get-out-of-activity-free passes galore

To milk these and other benefits, you hardly have to do anything because everybody knows that people with bad backs can feel good one minute and be writhing on the floor in pain the next. So, just whip it out whenever you feel like it.

And, you deserve it, because people can’t see your agony and don’t always believe you even though it hurts like hell and sometimes never stops until you want to blow your brains out. So, TC, although I do hope the real pain stops for you soon, play your cards right and the imaginary pain never has to.

Suffering in silence? Tell Ruby where it hurts.

Tweet  Print This Post

Tags: advice // 2 Comments »