I am so exhausted from this weekend. Literally hung over — without the benefit the alcohol would have provided the night before. Thanksgiving was a calm day with 13 adults (and seven children, between the ages of two and ten) over for dinner. Twenty people is actually a relatively small gathering for us; plus, the kids don’t really count. By 10pm everything was cleaned up, the extra tables and chairs were back in the basement, and the kids (my two, plus a sleepover buddy) were out cold. I can’t even claim cooking exhaustion since everyone brought a dish, allowing my husband and I to worry primarily about the set-up, the 20 lb. turkey, and the stuffing.

The rest of the long weekend was not overly involved but, for some reason, I still felt spent. So now, Sunday night, I am sitting at my computer thinking of all of the things I should be doing but can’t bring myself to do. The emails I have flagged. The facebook invites I have pending. The holiday shopping I need to do online. The new business I have to find. The list goes on! But sometimes you just have to say screw it and ignore all of those nagging things. So, instead of feeling guilty about avoiding my to-do list I gave myself permission to aimlessly surf. And it was worth it.

Check out this 3-minute trailer for The PenIsMightier that I found on Buzz Feed. It woke me up from my sleepy state and made me laugh. In case you, too, are feeling the holiday hang over, this video on the “epic struggle of straight-edge rulers and the mighty pen that brought freedom to pencils” will give you a jolt.

Tags: art & entertainment, ends & odd by Amy Boshnack
No Comments »

I’m not the first one to say it, but I’m probably the first to say it here:

Hey, actors: put some water or something in those empty take-out coffee cups you’re holding, and stop winging them around like you really wouldn’t. Another tip: you can’t gulp it down that hot.

For the umpteenth time, my wife and I have been distracted by your flailing. Please, someone put a stop to this. New rule: You must have liquid in your acting-cup.

Tags: art & entertainment, diatribes by Andrew Turner
No Comments »

Dear Ruby,
After many years of saying no, our whole family is going to spend the holidays with our richer, smarter, more successful, better dressed cousins. I’ve worked myself into a state over this because I’m tired of being on the dork side of the family. I’ve been packed for weeks, I’ve got a good haircut, I have a script in my head that carefully and impressively describes my pretty decent job, but I’m still terrified that I’m going to spend the whole weekend feeling like I’m on a job interview and then screw it up anyway and go home a dork, from a herd of dorks.

We found out a couple of days ago that they have a family football game like the freaking Kennedys. The closest we come to family exercise is wrestling for the remote during commercials. Do you have any advice?

Shirttail Loser

Dear Shi-Lo,
I won’t insult your intelligence by trying to convince you to not to get stressed or to “just be yourself.” We know that’s a crock, don’t we? But, I do have a few suggestions for getting through this special occasion with your self-respect.

1. Etiquette matters. Offer to help in the kitchen, clear the table, change a baby or a grandparent — whatever. Act like you’re “well-brought up,” even if you’re not, and it will reflect well on your family. At least they’ll add, “but she’s soooo nice,” to all the bad things they say about you.
2. Stay sober. Ideally, stay the soberest in the room. If everyone gets drunk, then you can have a few, but otherwise stay well under your limit. By the way, this also applies to dinner with your coworkers, boyfriend’s parents, and all class reunions.
3. Don’t get so paranoid that you don’t participate. Add your well-considered comments to the conversation, but avoid the usual inflammatory topics like religion and politics. Be sunny and upbeat and appropriate.
4. Stick up for your family. Don’t let them divide and conquer you. Even if your side of the family has more than its share of black sheep, they’re your black sheep. You will not look better by dissing them, you will just look desperate and disloyal.
5. Don’t cave in. Say no to the football, the singalongs, the adult game of Twister with an earnest, “I’m sorry, I’m just not up to it right now. But, thanks for asking!” Keeping your dignity without excuses is the secret voodoo trick of The Cool.

So, that’s it. Take the high road, be a good listener, act with calm confidence — and it’s just possible that one of them will crack and you’ll be supremely ready to pounce on and exploit all their hidden weaknesses. Because, this time of year, it’s all about family.

Tags: advice by Ruby Mac
No Comments »

A few days ago, I had to drive through the night to get from a client meeting in one distant city to an early-morning meeting in another city hundreds of miles away.  (It was a little too close for flying.)  It was about 9:00 in the evening and, because I was driving through farm country, it was pitch black, with hardly any other cars on the highway. 

I love the peaceful feeling of driving long distances alone at night, and I was listening to the Pretenders; all was right with the world.  Until the bright red “Oil Warning” light popped on. 

This is where the scam began. 

As most drivers know, the Oil Warning light is not something you ever want to see.  As I’ve always understood it, it doesn’t mean you merely need to add some oil, or change your oil; it means that due to a failure of the oil pump or a punctured oil pan, you have no oil pressure at all, and if you don’t stop the car very soon, the engine could seize up and be ruined.   In fact, the light on my dashboard didn’t just say “Warning.”   Under the icon of the Aladdin’s Lamp-shaped oil can with a single drop at its tip, there was a bold black statement that commanded me to “EXIT NOW.”

So I did, after about ten anxious minutes of searching for the next highway exit.  And found myself in a nearly deserted hamlet called Prophetstown.  The only businesses open were a convenience store and a tavern, so I pulled in to the parking lot of the store and popped the hood (although, because my car was a rental, it took me 20 solid minutes of hunting to find the hood release latch, recessed so far back under the steering wheel that I had to get on my knees to locate it in the dark.) 

Then I went into the store and borrowed a flashlight so I could locate the oil dipstick.  Naturally, the weather was near freezing.  Meanwhile, the helpful clerk behind the counter was nice enough to look up the roadside assistance number for my car rental company. 

While waiting for her to find the number I double-checked the owner’s manual to make sure I wasn’t over-reacting.  Not at all, according to the manual: It confirmed that the light didn’t mean merely that the car was low on oil, but rather that catastrophic engine damage was imminent and that the car had to be towed to a repair shop immediately.  In fact, the manual explicitly said not to attempt to drive the car under any circumstances.  I began contemplating finding a Motel Six somewhere in the area and missing my meeting the next morning, which was still hundreds of miles away.  [Read more →]

Tags: diatribes by Michael Antman
1 Comment »

July 6, 2008
I dream I am a guest at a rich kid’s high school party. There are many rooms and I am awkward in all of them. I don’t know what to do, so I do card tricks for my own amusement. No one is paying attention. There are various activities including a costume competition but I get involved in the snake run. There are very specific protocols. You have to have an offering for the snake and you must never give the snake anything by hand so as to avoid being bitten. I know all the rules but still I am not prepared. I try to give the snake money and I manage to not be bitten.

July 26, 2000
I dream I am at a party and retire to the auxiliary kitchen in the library. I prepare some whitefish, but I don’t want to be caught because whitefish is an embarrassing food. I wrap it in several layers of white paper and put it into a small box in the refrigerator. When I return to it the next day, I see that it has been tampered with.

February 26, 1999
I dream I am attending a party at Siegfried and Roy’s house. I am surprised at how grim and dingy it is; under lit, multi-leveled, and with wrapped candy and dried pasta strewn around the floors. I see no animals, but I am led to understand that they are wandering around someplace. A grungy guy who looks sort of like Roy tells me there was a night when some of the animals escaped to Knott’s Berry Farm and when he finally found them they were performing an acrobatic act. The dolphins were on the flying trapeze along with some of the tigers.

Tags: Fred's dreams by Fred Siegel
No Comments »

My writing partners and I just finished a series of children’s books. Seven, to be exact. It is a brilliant series that chronicles the week of a wonderfully charismatic little girl that just so happens to have two moms. Close your mouths people, you heard me correctly. Two moms. It’s crazy, I know. What’s crazier is the gaping hole that exists in the children’s book market when it comes to books that represent a child with same sex parents. There are a few out there. But most of them are about the fact that the parents are gay. Few are about anything else.

Here’s my personal side of the story. When my daughter was born, within a week I received Heather Has Two Mommies from my mother. She told me that she was surprised that at such a large bookstore (I don’t want to name names, but it rhymes with Shmarnes and Shmobles) she was only able to find the one book. I immediately felt my stomach sink. [Read more →]

Tags: books & writing, family & parenting by Jaclyn Roth
13 Comments »

Lucius Cary, 2nd Viscount Falkland, was killed at age 33 at the first battle of Newbury during the English Civil War — fighting, of course, on the side of the king. Lord Falkland was well thought of by his contemporaries and was celebrated in verse by the likes of Ben Jonson, Edmund Waller, and Abraham Cowley. (Here is Cowley’s “To the Lord Falkland.”) During the parliamentary debate over whether the Anglican episcopacy should be abolished, Falkland — who opposed the measure — is said to have declared that “when it is not necessary to change, it is necessary not to change.”

Given all the talk of change these days — from change we can believe in to climate change — this seems an utterance well worth pondering. That in itself is good, because change is one of those things people are inclined to talk about — and do — rather than think about — and perhaps refrain from doing.

Lord Falkland’s remark has the effect of bringing you up short. It reminds you first of all that there are two kinds of change: the kind over which you have some control — and the other kind.  Lord Falkland was obviously referring to the former and, at first glance, his formulation seems unobjectionable. Why make a change if you don’t have to? [Read more →]

Tags: that's what he said, by Frank Wilson by Frank Wilson
1 Comment »

You don’t actually need to cancel your trip to Amsterdam (if you’re one of the few that can still afford to travel); just don’t go thinking there’ll be cannabis-filled brownies at every turn. The city of Amsterdam is closing down 43 “coffee” shops that currently operate near schools with kids older than twelve — by order of the Dutch government. Have no fear though — 185 shops will remain open. Plus, now you’ll have more time for the Van Gogh Museum and the fabulous photography exhibits at Foam_Fotografiemuseum Amsterdam. This may well make the journey a little more interesting for Americans who’ll now be forced to walk a tad farther to find what they are looking for.

Hat Tip to Newser

Tags: drugs & alcohol by Amy Boshnack
1 Comment »

I didn’t want to pile on — the Petersons are having a tough time as it is, what with Annette losing her job at the end of the week and with bills that are “three and four weeks behind.” And I know that there are plenty of people losing jobs for reasons beyond their control. And I know that if we couldn’t afford to buy our son any presents this holiday season, we’d feel bad about it.

But then I saw this: “Last year, Peterson and her husband, who works as a graphic artist, spent about $600 on gifts for their 3-year-old daughter.”

Yes, $600. On presents. For one kid. A 3-year-old.

Annette is a hospital registration clerk. I don’t know what her husband was earning as a graphic artist, but since he’s looking for a second job at Walmart, it’s safe to assume that they are not millionaires. They’re behind on their bills even before Annette’s job disappears later this week. Maybe they had more money last year, maybe not, but either way, it is totally irresponsible to spend $600 on presents for a child when you’re having trouble paying bills or even when you’re not, unless you have a lot of money stashed away or you make a lot of money, way, way more than the Petersons make. And it isn’t in the child’s interests for a 3-year-old to be trained to expect mountains of presents. 

Look at our government and the endless bailouts and the pressure politicians put on lenders to give money to people who couldn’t pay it back and the growing entitlement mentality and the way people were spending the equity of their homes as if they had found free money. Are we a nation of $600-present-buying clerks? Are we 3-year-olds getting ready to throw a fit if there aren’t enough presents under the tree?

Update: Be sure to read the comments, as Annette Peterson has read my post and clarified her situation and explained that CNN did not accurately report this story. I will leave my post as it was originally written, trusting that the comments clarify the issue sufficiently. (And I hope it is clear that my point wasn’t really about the Petersons in the first place.)

Tags: money by Scott Stein
9 Comments »

It was not an awesome week, man-wise.

My ex-boyfriend called me to see if we could possibly meet up for coffee. We broke up 7 months ago and when I moved out, I had forgotten some things. He wanted to return them. I thought, “This is nice. We can catch up, enough time has passed that we can be friendly with each other.” And besides that, I miss him. Not in the pining-away-for-my-lost-love kind of way, I just miss having him in my life. We loved each other intensely and had a ton of good times.  We had even talked about marriage and children in the future. But we each had a couple of  “sticking points,” if you will. And, for whatever reason, neither of us was able to give up our ground and meet each other in the middle. That didn’t erase the love, but it did make for an impossible relationship. So we broke up.  It happens.

As soon as I saw his face when he walked in the coffee shop, I knew this wasn’t going to be just a “How have you been? Here’s your mail” kind of chat. He had news and I wasn’t going to like it. My first thought was, “Oh God. He’s getting married.” I knew he had been dating someone but I didn’t think it was that serious. But it was even more serious than that. He is going to be a father. [Read more →]

Tags: his & hers by Stephanie West
4 Comments »