For a long time now I’ve been wondering: who the f*ck is Paul Krugman? [1]Now of course, I know who he is supposed to be: a Nobel prize winning economist, a professor at Princeton, and multi-purpose talking head whose principal media platform is a column in the New York Times.
But seriously — have you read that shit? For a supposedly deep thinking intellectual, Krugman just churns out nothing but boiler plate bien pensant waffle, week after week. There’s no thinking involved. It’s more like a stimulus response: add Sarah Palin here and watch the head spin. Add Tea Party here for instant spittle- flecked rant.
Most of the time — like most people — I simply ignore this Krugman freak. But this weekend he kind of pissed me off. His instant blog on the Arizona shootings [2]was exactly what you’d expect from an angry wee man with a hate-on for the hoi polloi.You know, evil Republicans and Tea Party types creating a climate of violence etc. His column a day later [3]expanded on the theme — Krugman’s people, the virtuous “left” would never do anything like that. [4]But it wasn’t the blog that pissed me off so much as the thought of tiny little Krugman rushing to his computer within seconds of hearing of the attack to exploit it for political ends. Even as the bodies of the dead were still cooling, he already knew everything, without actually knowing anything.
Anyway, I found this so vile that I decided to put my beard on the case. Some of you may recall that my beard is gifted with sentience, and likes to apply it to deep thinking [5]on abstract musical matters. [6]He is not as a rule all that political, being more concerned with existential-philosophical issues. However he too was fairly appalled by Krugman’s amnesiac [7]spurt of hate and as a favor to me agreed to communicate with the Krugbeard via the mysterious channels of follicular vibration. The following is his faithful account of their conversation. Take it away beard:
KALDERBEARD: Yo, Krugbeard, are you there?
KRUGBEARD: I am. Who is that?
KALDERBEARD: I’m the beard of Doktor Daniel Von Kalder, [8]author, mal-vivant and all round apocalypse connoisseur.
KRUGBEARD: Never heard of him.
KALDERBEARD: You and billions of others, Krug. But never mind him, I’m here to ask a few questions about Paul Krugman, upon whose face you sprout.
KRUGBEARD: (Emits deep sigh.)
KALDERBEARD: That bad, huh?
KRUGBEARD: Tell me about it. So what do you want to know?
KALDERBEARD: Well first off, that column he wrote last weekend…
KRUGBEARD: The one he whacked off in a few seconds about Arizona?
KALDERBEARD: Yes. It struck me, and perhaps a lot of people as somewhat obscene to use the victims of a tragic massacre as political pawns while the bodies of the dead were still warm.I mean he leaped to some incredible conclusions on no evidence at all- that the killer had somehow been motivated to kill by metaphors and angry rhetoric. Didn’t he realize, as a purported intellectual, that he had a responsibility to pause, reflect in a mature fashion, and then try to seek the truth once all the facts were in?
KRUGBEARD: F*ck no, he’s an angry little man. He saw an opportunity and leapt at it. That’s why he’s a winner. He may be tiny, but he’s a tiger. Where’s your man’s column in the Times? I don’t see it.
KALDERBEARD: But I mean, now it seems pretty clear that the killer was a disturbed individual with no coherent agenda. He liked the Matrix, Marx and Mein Kampf . His ideas were pure gibberish. And to be honest, any thoughtful person could have guessed as much on Saturday. These maniac shooters almost never make any sense.
KRUGBEARD: Yeah, but it was all still Glen Beck’s fault. And Sarah Palin’s. And the Republicans.
KALDERBEARD: So does Krugman hate comics then?
KRUGBEARD: Eh?
KALDERBEARD: Well, back in the 50s a psychologist named Fredric Wertham [9]argued that there was a direct link between reading Batman and Superman and all manner of perversion and juvenile delinquency. The thesis was broadly the same: the ideas and feelings in comics were a bad influence on unformed minds unable to distinguish right from wrong.
KRUGBEARD: Hell no. Krugman loves comics, especially the work of Rob Liefeld. [10]He thinks Liefeld is shit hot and hates all the haters. He still has those early issues of X-Force sealed up in mylar bags.
KALDERBEARD: Well what about heavy metal? If he believes metaphors and the frothing of Glen Beck cause violence and can be equated with actual political violence, then he must have supported the family that sued Ozzy Osbourne for the death of their son. You know, the kid who killed himself after taking the title of Suicide Solution [11]a little too literally. He must also be really mad at Marilyn Manson, because the kids that shot up Columbine were big fans of his theatrical nihilism, and played his music shortly before they committed their terrible deed. And what about those Norwegian black metal types who burn churches? [12]That must really get his blood boiling.
KRUGBEARD: Again, no. Krugman is a massive fan of Varg Vikkernes. [13]He always thought Euronymous [14]sucked. He’s got all the Burzum records, and especially likes “Dunkelheit” [15]on Filosofem. He used to write Varg fan mail, while he was still in prison. Varg never responded, though. That made Krugman so mad. Almost as mad as he gets when he sees Sarah Palin on TV. Hey, did I tell you that Krugman has started recording Sarah Palin speeches and playing them backwards, listening for hidden messages?
KALDERBEARD: Really?
KRUGBEARD: Yeah. Sometimes Andrew Sullivan [16]comes over for reverse Sarah Palin listening parties. I can’t make out anything, but Sullivan insists that during her vice presidential acceptance speech she’s saying Trig is not my son, I faked the whole thing.
KALDERBEARD: Alright, so what about Muslims, he’s got to hate Muslims.
KRUGBEARD: Not at all. He’s quite sympathetic. He was disgusted at all the dirty people opposing the construction of the ‘Ground Zero Mosque’ for instance.
KALDERBEARD: It’s just that when Major Nidal Hasan killed all those people at Fort Hood, he was inspired by jihadi theory and rhetoric. Most Muslims do not subscribe to violent, totalitarian Islam, and even fewer kill, but nevertheless Bin Laden and company do have plenty of fans in the Muslim world. And what I’m thinking is that since Krugman is able to extrapolate outwards from an entirely unproven connection to the Tea Party and its supporters to a condemnation of the Tea Party, the Republicans and Sarah Palin etc, then he can surely extrapolate outwards from Nidal Hassan reading the Koran all the time and shouting Allahu Akbar as he opened fire to a global condemnation of everyone who says Allahu Akbar anywhere in the world?
KRUGBEARD: No, no, no! You’re just not getting it are you? Krugman doesn’t think this shit through, he doesn’t have a logical or coherent position on any of this. He’s not into complexity, he’s a simple guy. How do you think he scored his column in the NYT? He hates his enemies and wants to see them fail. That’s it.
KALDERBEARD: Actually I knew that all along. Just wanted to confirm my suspicions with the hair on his face. Hey- you were good in Get Him to the Greek, [17]by the way. Krugman was shit, as usual.
KRUGBEARD: Yeah, Krugman was just too nervous. I mean he’s a huge Diddy fan. Man, but he loves Diddy- especially that track when he raps about Godzilla on top of Jimmy Page’s Kashmir riff. [18]That shit is never off his iPod.
KALDERBEARD: Well thanks for your time.
KRUGBEARD: I hate myself and I want to die.
KALDERBEARD: Er…
KRUGBEARD: I wish he’d shave me off. No, really.
KALDERBEARD: Ciao.
KRUGBEARD: F*ck off.
KALDERBEARD: With pleasure.
- Author Bio [19]
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Daniel Kalder [21]
Latest posts by Daniel Kalder (Posts [22])
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