In the movie Inception [1], inception is the implanting of an idea in someone’s mind through dreams. I wonder if this generation of parents will be remembered for exercising a kind of large-scale inception: Sports-crazed adults forcing a dream of sporting greatness and glory into their children’s heads.
There was a time when this may have been unnecessary. Kids once watched sporting heroes on TV or at games — remember when families could regularly afford this? — and went out in the street with their pals and tried those moves on their own. Day after day after day.
But now, many parents have decided that their kids aren’t ambitious enough when it comes to sports — remember those scholarships! — so they’re planting those dreams for them.
The overt form of this is probably less dangerous: The red-faced, maniac coach-parent screaming at his kid and insulting her or shaking his head in disgust at every mistake. Kids are smart, and they will catch on to this: My dad is an idiot. They’ll sort the rest out in therapy later.
The subtle form is more pervasive and insidious. The family schedule revolves around “the game.” Dinner conversations are all about “the game.” Parents who haven’t stepped inside their school more than once or twice a year bend over backward to make it to “the game.” When “the game” doesn’t go well, quiet disappointment, contrasted with the exciting jabber and milkshakes when the “the game” went delightfully. This kind of message will be much harder to sort out, and when “the game” ends for good, these kids will no doubt wonder what will be left of their relationship to their parents.
Sure, many times, you have to encourage children, maybe even outright push them to try new things or go beyond their comfort zone. But good parenting, teaching, and coaching involves restraint. Our default now is more. When in doubt, do more, yell more, pay more. And if they don’t quite get the importance of “the game,” we’ll see to it that they do.
Sports can also be a great vehicle to teach values. Handled intelligently, sports can show kids discipline, commitment, friendship, responsibility. Lots of parents see these connections. Lots of parents see their kids’ study skills improve because of participation in athletics. Lots of parents help their kids take the teamwork skills of sports and transfer them to their social sphere. But we are also raising a generation of kids whom we get ready for the “game” while a lawn service cuts our grass and a maid cleans their rooms. Values?
In Arthur Miller’s incomparable Death of a Salesman [2], there’s the great scene in which the Loman family is preparing for son Biff’s football game. Neighbor Charley, whose own son ends up being a lawyer who argues in front of the Supreme Court, inspires outrage by claiming not to know there is a game that day. Willy Loman, furious at Charley’s ignorance, says, “This is the greatest day of his life.” Charley responds, “Willy, when are you going to grow up?” Willy then quotes to Charley the big salary Biff will make when he becomes a pro athlete. I don’t think I’m ruining the play by telling you that doesn’t happen. By the way, Miller published the play in 1949.
A few weeks back I wrote a piece “My kid plays up.” [3]Some protested that it was calling for sports mediocrity. Someone actually invoked the name Pelé — yeah, that Pelé. [4] But “My kid plays up” is a parent’s narrative — and it’s about a very young child. It wasn’t a call to disband elite teams. My experience with sports at all levels has shown me there is a thin layer of kids who want a sporting “job” at eight years old. The rest will put on the uniform and go the practice, and of course they all love to win. If you implant a dream in their head, they will try hard, and in breaking your heart, they may break their own as well.
We’re structuring a whole cultural athletics movement around the few kids, those Pelés. I don’t directly blame the elite club/personal training culture. This has sprung up in response to parents who demand those services. (Keep in mind this is about sports obsession. What a different post this would be if we were talking about our nation’s obsession with creating better writers, scientists, or mathematicians.)
As you watch your young athlete, the question you just might want to ask is this: Whose dream are we chasing here?
If you look out into the backyard and your kid is out there practicing, why you can’t do enough to encourage him. If your kid is out in the waning autumn light trying to get better, his mind focused on a dream of his own, that’s a beautiful thing. But if he’s out there pursuing a dream that he doesn’t realize has been instilled in him by your years of approvals and discontents, a dream of sporting glory you drilled into his head, forced on him, that’s sad — and ugly.
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[7]Scott Warnock [8]
[7]Latest posts by Scott Warnock (Posts [9])
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